How Hard?

For 4 years after I lost my virginity I had vanilla sex. It was all I knew. The thought of anything else used to scare me shitless. I thought rough sex would be crude, bordering on abusive and just downright uncomfortable. I pictured it as a rape scene. Being tied up,even spanked,seemed brutal. I was convinced I’d be making slow,sensual love for the rest of my Life. Lord,was I wrong.

Sexual discovery is a beautiful thing and it’s funny how the tiniest of things,a comment from a friend, a tweet, a suggestion from a lover, can completely switch up your sexual preferences. For me,my ex deserves most of the credit,though I’m not sure he knows how far it went.

He showed me the wonders of pain and how the right amount,at the right time could make sex that much better. It was gradual..Light spanking..which became harder..the sex rougher..More intense..eventually the biting came in..then the tying up and eventually the choking. Ladies and Gentlemen,this was my introduction to BDSM.

Now at this point I didn’t know what it was. As far as I was concerned,my partner and I just had bomb ass sex. It had nothing to do with fetishes. I was not a freak. It just,was. Months later,after everything was done, and I was moving on I realized,I was incapable of enjoying “basic” sex as I had before..foreplay,missionary,cowgirl,doggie,finish was NOT doing it for me. I spent time hyping myself up for sex,and faking orgasms and regretting ever consenting to such BS.

I had no idea what was up.

Fast forward to a couple of months later..Drunk Sex Season is what I like to call that period in my Life.. Loud,vocal,rowdy sessions with male friends and attractive strangers…I found it easier then to say what I desired since I realized most of them were quite simple in their sexual desires and what they considered wild,I considered foreplay.

I had to ease them into it. As much as men say they want a “freak”,if the first thing you say is “Bend me over,blindfold and gag me,bind my arms then spank me til my ass goes numb,and only then can you fuck me.” most would be a tad bit freaked out. It was gradual for them,as it was for me,and  I understood they were not about that Life and was not trying to initiate or recruit in any way. This was the beginning of acceptance of the fact that I,was into BDSM. And it was nothing like what I’d been led to believe.

It was hard for a bit. I tried to psychoanalyze myself and figure out WHY I’d enjoy such so much. Having friends who were not in the community and couldn’t really get past it’s misconceptions wasn’t helpful either,but I decided,this was as it was.

I had found something that fulfilled me way more than most people around me could comprehend. The intensity of the sex, pushing yourself to,and past limits you thought you could never transcend,the trust [because why would you let someone you don’t know like that choke you?]..It felt like,an awakening. And I decided I’d stay..Besides,I had no choice,my body wouldn’t let me go back to what many considered the norm.

This was,my Initiation,so to speak…Now I have a saying “If I don’t have bruises after we’re done,it never happened.”

Next came my acceptance of the fact that I am,in actual fact, submissive…

[To Be Continued]

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2 comments

  1. Brave and honest. I remember those times too – I used to look for older men to use me – but that is madness, really. You are already on the path to finding some kind of love. Don’t forget the love…I am sure you will succeed….and take care of yourself (do no mix the fantasy with the reality)…well, do what you can!

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