Month: February 2013

Getting Bi

“I don’t understand bisexual people. They’re greedy. Unnatural too. How can you be attracted to both sexes? No. It’s just wrong.”

Every morning I wake up and wish people wouldn’t speak unless they had something worth listening to to say. Every morning I realize people cling on to their ignorance with all they have.

Is it wrong for me to think there’s a slight case of homophobia coming from those who are against bisexual people? Because the issue isn’t that you’re a woman attracted to men, it’s that you’re a woman attracted to men, AND women, or vice versa in the case of bisexual males. 

Personally I’ve always known I was attracted to both sexes. It’s never been taboo to me because growing up I just was, what society told me was right/wrong only really became a factor later on in life and even then, as I reached my teens, I found myself quite resistant to having my desires  placed in a box by people I considered bland.

As I’ve grown I’ve encountered all kinds of people. The “You can’t be bisexual, you’re Black, that’s a White thing” people. The “You probably just want an excuse to be a whore” people.  The “Oh..That’s dope. Call your other friends who’re like you and let’s have a threesome” men, there’s never a shortage of those. And mostly the “No, you’re confused. You just need the right man” people. 

How hard is it to understand that as you love a man, another man loves another man? As you love a woman, another woman loves another woman? What you see in their sex, another of the same sex does too. What is so mind blowing about affection? What about attraction can’t be explained?

I’ve found that it’s harder to be a bisexual male than a female though.  Bisexual females are considered freaks, nymphs. Very few people have an issue with them. Due to the fact that masculinity is basically placed next to Godliness by most people, the moment a male even exhibits any sign of comfort with his desires/habits other men are quick to label him effeminate, and bash him because of his “bitch like” behaviour. I mean, we’re the generation that decided we could determine a person’s sexual orientation by what colour shoes he wears. 

I have very few straight friends. Most of them are either bisexual, gay or lesbian. It’s not that I went and handpicked them based on their sexual orientation, it’s just that they have a better understanding of things, tolerance, they are way more open minded than a lot of the straight people I know and when it comes to the growth process, I’d prefer to have people around me who will understand and reassure when it’s necessary rather than those who will tell me how I “should” be.

I had someone at some point come to me and tell me “You have too many gay friends” to which I responded “You have too many straight friends.” He was rather hostile to all the people I brought around and I figured out why but waited for him to tell me. Eventually he got drunk and tearfully told me he was bisexual, although his attraction to males was stronger than his attraction to females, but was forced to act straight because he feared rejection from his friends, family and fan base [He’s a rapper]. I understood why and I promise you after we discussed it and he realized I was rather uninterested in judging him for the man he is, he was, and still is, noticeably happier. 

I wish a lot of people understood from an early age that most people are simpletons. They do not think because they think it’s not their place to. They do not accept what’s new unless everyone else does and nobody’s ever willing to be the pioneer when they know they will face resistance. People are quick to live by a book written thousands of years ago but will never look into the history of those who actually LIVED thousands of years ago. They don’t want to believe homosexuality predates their religious doctrines. That there were other civilizations other than the ones they write about. It’s too much for them to consider.

There’s nothing unnatural about how you are. Ignorance is unnatural as far as I’m concerned. There is no reason to feel shame for who you are. None. There is no deity who will detest you for being as you are if you believe you’re it’s creation and were made in it’s image. There is no “tolerant, loving” religion that will not let you be. There is nothing new nor different nor unacceptable about you. 

As the saying goes though “there’s nothing new under the sun”. We should accept that there will always be people who will not be willing to let others live as they please, even if it harms no one. There will always be those who will refuse logic and want to live as they’ve been told to. But they have nothing to do with you. Be. Just be. As I like to say, shame is for the ugly. 

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Labels and Self Told Lies

“Among other things, you’ll find that you’re not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You’re by no means alone on that score, you’ll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You’ll learn from them–if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It’s a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn’t education. It’s history. It’s poetry.” – Mr Antolini, Catcher in the Rye

No one tells you as you grow and Become yourself, you will also have to simultaneously die.

We don’t know how to deal with losing the parts of ourselves we’ve grown attached to.  It’s something we teach ourselves and most of us coming from an upbringing where we’re taught to obey and follow find self realization and self actualization quite a task. I’m fairly certain THAT is what breaks a lot of people. The growing process, not necessarily the trauma we endure.

I think it’s nice that people have expectations of others. Its understandable I guess. I think you can have hopes for somebody else, but people forget that they’re theirs and want to impose them on others. People who say things like “I’m disappointed in you” are dumb to me.  They never realize they’re disappointed because they forgot human beings make choices and in the real world, their hopes and expectations are nothing but pretty decorations.

I have a very close, somewhat odd relationship with my ex. We clash often. Mostly due to the fact that I always try to force him to act a certain way and he’s not having it. I appreciate him though.  Love him even, sometimes. I confide in him and he holds the parts of me I’d rather no one else have. Anyway, while I was throwing a tantrum over something or the other he told me frankly “You don’t listen. You only ever listen to what pleases you and everything else you shut out.” And I didn’t even bother to deny it.  I am a selfish narcissist. An occasional hypocrite. I’m quite emotional and very stubborn. Bipolar and being passive aggressive don’t make me the easiest person to deal with.

I decided to be honest with myself. I’m not sure if these traits are flaws because as far as I know, they have their positive aspects. But any outsider would be quick to point out what a horrible person I probably am. Thankfully, my cup of Damns To Give is running low lately.

A lot’s happened in Life and as you grow, you do what you have to do to manage, or tap out. I think a lot of the time we beat ourselves up for being a certain way and forget WHY we are as we are. And the people looking down on you and judging you never help.

“She’s angry. She’s always sad. He has intimacy issues. She’s paranoid. He can’t figure out what to do with his Life.” And then after a while you begin to look at yourself the way they look at you. It’s horrible,and it happens oh so easily.

As I told my friend the other day “You aren’t doing anything but growing.” I sat and thought about it and really..You are not the first. You aren’t the first to feel as you do, hate yourself as you do, have that level of uncertainty nor fear waking up and DOING things. And I understand why you feel that way.

It’s easy to view people and label them, ‘Pathetic’,’Cunt’,’Stuck Up’, but I think only those who haven’t lived look at things simply in Black and White.

At the end of the day, I personally have more fears than I can voice. Tiny terrors. I’m a nervous individual and the things that bother me either terrify or anger me. I’m short tempered and I cry when I’m mad. I’m very indecisive. Sometimes my passive aggressive nature makes me wonder if I’m a tad bit two faced. I’m controlling and manipulative when I feel the need to be. And I understand why. I’m alright with it. I see no point in feeling shame for who you are, or feeling shame and not doing anything about it. Right now my words to live by are simple: Lose what doesn’t work for you. Even if that means losing who you are right now.

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The Pleasure Principle

That sex that makes you  forget every single thing you said you’d never do. That’s what I’m having. I find keeping the details to myself makes the experience that much sexier. As much as I’d like to tell my friends, I’d rather I be the only one who looks at him a certain way. I’d rather he be the only one who knows what it means when I casually ask him to come help me look for something. And boy does he look..Hmm.

As someone with specific sexual preferences I find it rather hard [haha] to find someone who satisfies me completely and with little to no direction from me. I can have good sex, and I have had it, but it takes a certain someone or certain level of understanding between two people to have great sex. Earth shattering orgasms, bruises that last for days on end and scars that make you smile every time you look at them.. that’s rare to come by.

So when I do, I get excited. I get hype. I tell my friends. I’m less irritable. I’m lovely. That sex that’s so good I wanna move into your house,cook for you, record your favourite TV shows and shut up during soccer. That sex that’s so good you want to be his Bitch.

Fuck. It’s a bloody shame that I’m even typing this right now. It goes against the Pimp Manual but…I might just lie and delete it later. Might. Take this as me showing appreciation for a good thing. And that’s alright..Right?

So I was telling my friend about this certain man, my friend is a guy and I was trying to tell him how amazing the sex is. I say ‘trying’ because I’m fairly certain all I managed was “He..Yo..I’ve never been..Guy..” and giggles. And he said “You know it doesn’t matter how it  happened, whether you were on top or he was, it doesn’t really matter who fucked who, men don’t like it when women take control in bed.” Now at this point I paused my enthusiasm and just stared. I wasn’t ready for his BS. So I asked him to elaborate. How certain was he of what he’d just said? To which he said “No man wants to go tell his friends that ‘That girl fucked the shit out of me’..You look like a bitch.” I said “No my guy, you look like a man who had sex that he thoroughly enjoyed. How is that bitch shit? It’s because you have certain ideas of what defines masculinity, even in the bedroom, that you can’t even enjoy fucking.”

So my Sex Glow turned into me questioning whether this is really some shit guys think about. “I don’t want her to ride me cos then I’ll look like a bitch.” “I can’t eat her out because then she might think she’s on my level..” I just..I can’t.  So, street cred + “masculinity” > Orgasms? Honey, no.

I think sex is a wonderful thing man. One of the few things one can still do without having the burden of how you look and what impression you’re giving off. 

Part of the reason why this man and I get along so well in the sack is the fact that we have no time for awkward moments. I adore his naked body and put it to good use and so does he. He knows what I like and pleasures me and I do all I can to please him. He understands that I give him my body to do with as he’d like and I am already half way there when he tells me what he wants me to do.

He’s a man who doesn’t worry about “being a bitch” because..Frankly, fuck it, who cares?

How can you be a bitch when you have a nude woman on top of you? I  swear we spend so much time thinking about senseless shit we don’t even get the opportunity to enjoy ourselves.

Leave your Swag at the door when you come in, love.

Please and Thank You. 

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The reality of being a woman in a “forward thinking, free” society.

So I’ve been reading on the Oscar Pistorius case and I’m genuinely shocked at how brutal the murder was. My heart breaks with every new detail because I wonder, what was this girl going through that she hid so well? Can you imagine what it must have been like to be with someone and have to put on that brave face and grin and take it because you’re in the public eye?

I can relate, but I doubt if what I think even comes close to what was. 

It’s just that..Reeva now is acknowledged as The Victim..But a part of me believes society only acknowledges this because of the fact that she is dead. Had she made it through, had this not occurred and had she gone forward and told people he abused her, she would have been the bitch who sought to tarnish the reputation of a Star, a National Treasure even. She would not have gotten sympathy and we know it.

It’s not that people don’t know others get abused, they do, but because they think it’s nothing but a slap, one punch, nothing too tragic, nothing to cause a confrontation over, they don’t get involved. 

It’s not possible for people around them to not have known. Especially people who knew him. But of course it’s easier to attempt to keep his image clean than admit you knew and say you stood by and watched.

He crushed her skull. He chased her around and shot at her. He shot her. He killed her. 

They had been in bed together and whatever had happened, he did that to her. 

Articles cover his accomplishments. “What could have caused this? Oh my. Who knew? We’re so sad..” Her? She gets about 3 lines talking about her life. Because I don’t even think they view her as an actual PERSON. They try to make it seem so..But they fail dismally. She is nothing but another victim, but before that she is The Woman Who Caused Pistorius’ Downfall, to many.

Frankly I never really gave a fuck about who he is. I think viewing him as a celebrity/icon means we think his circumstances were special and some shit we couldn’t understand. Thus he won’t be judged as a mere Man.  People wanna cry but overlook the man who burns his family in a house in Soweto or the one who stabs his wife to death in Francistown over bread..The one in India who pours boiling water on his wife for bringing his food cold. Why? Because they remain nameless to society. Who are they and what did they do other than ruin [another] woman’s life?

We’re so used to women being victims that we only really notice when something incredibly heinous happens, and even then, it gets our attention for a minute.  Women cry, complain, march..And then? Something else happens and we have to switch up to the new victim. 

This is the reality of being a woman in a “forward thinking, free” society. 

Patriarchal men and their way of thinking still owns most of us and our mothers.  Because at the end of the day we’re viewed as expendable, replaceable, we still really don’t matter until it’s convenient for us to. 

 

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“My man comes before the children.”

I battle with the fact that there are mothers who will pick their husbands over their children. I don’t know how it works. I know wealthy, successful women who treat their children like trash and will do anything, anything for their abusive husbands.  I guess things never go well when people mistake emotional dependency for love.

 

See the thing is, I think women by now should know that romantic relationships can end. How many people have you dated that you thought would be The Last?  How many friends have you had that you lost over nonsense? Now, when it comes to family, especially extended family members but this counts for nuclear family members too..I think we love each other because we should. We don’t have a choice. We’re confined together and happen to be related so we feel the need to get along, and due to the fact that we interact so often, we grow to like each other, then love I guess. Sometimes.

But that’s with people who didn’t come out of you. People you didn’t nurse. Didn’t carry. Only have a somewhat superficial relationship with. When a woman clings to her man more than her children..I’m both saddened and disgusted.  

 

I had this friend who was born to her mother out of wedlock before her mother met and married another man. The two succeeded in their respective career paths and are now quite wealthy, with two children who came after her first daughter.  From the outside honestly things look lovely and I personally wouldn’t believe some of the things that went on in that household had I not seen some of it. 

This young Lady’s mother would pounce on her at any given time and choke her daughter. She was convinced she was trying to “take her man” and would constantly tell her daughter “If anything ever happened I’m choosing my husband and children over you.”  Now this girl was beautiful, intelligent too and yet she never got the opportunity to shine because whenever she did anything good, her mother would take the opportunity to strike her down, either verbally of physically.  She was constantly told she wasn’t worth anything and would constantly break down at school. Frankly some of us were convinced she was a tad bit crazy but looking back now, what seemed surreal back then is probably a common occurrence.

Noticing her mother’s obvious distaste for her child her step father took to molesting her and would constantly remind her that if she told, her mother would never believe her. And the painful thing is, we all knew it to be true.

It’s very hard to extract yourself from painful situations when you live in that environment. Nobody is raised to believe a family is meant to be anything but Happy, but experience teaches you otherwise. I’m not sure if it’s easier to accept these things when you’re younger or older but..It is what it is.

Maybe I don’t understand. I am not a mother. Maybe there are circumstances I can’t relate to and I’m being a judgmental being. But this is my opinion. This is how I feel.

My father and I don’t have much of a relationship. Despite the fact that we live together, we haven’t said anything more than “Dumelang” to each other since before Christmas. I’m not about to tell you why, it’s not relevant, but I will tell you what I learned about “Love”,marriage and respect from one experience.

 

When I was in High School I came home tipsy one evening. It wasn’t that late, but it was later than usual.  I was probably 15 and according to my parents I had already started a downward spiral into whatever Hell they thought a little Black girl could end up in.  

My father called me into their room and my mother was there. He proceeded to tell me why he didn’t like my behaviour and everything was fine, I understood where he was coming from, til he got mad. At some point during his tirade he said to me “You’re never going to be anything. I can tell. You’re going to grow up to be a prostitute selling your body for alcohol and I’m ashamed I even have to share my name with you. I should’ve let you die when I had the opportunity to tell the doctors to.” [I was a breech baby.  And my mother had a particularly hard time during my birth. At some point the doctors believed neither of us would survive] Anyway,at this point I begin to cry, bawl really. I wasn’t ready for that. Not in the least. A teenager had come home slightly tipsy to that. But at that point what really ripped me apart was the fact that my mother never once defended me or told him he was out of order. I was young, I did not have a voice then and could do nothing but cry. She, was closer to his equal than I was. Instead she turned away and waited for him to finish. I sat there well after he was done, waiting..and she still said nothing. I walked to my room with the realization that I was not the one. In the end, my tears had done nothing and she had let him say what he did. I was second to a man she didn’t even need in her Life.  And I’m not sure how I feel about that to this day.

I spoke to her about it much later and she said she “couldn’t” say anything because he had to discipline me and it was not her place to go against anything he said. That time, that moment there, was probably when I started giving a fuck less about marriage and obedience.

I don’t think obedience is an excuse. I don’t think one can hide behind “respect”.  I think it’s pathetic and sad. And no good can come from mistaking emotional dependency for Love. None. 

I also wonder if it’s ever worth it.. Because in the end you know you’re merely grovelling for affection from someone who has no time for you,and you’re turning away from what really HAS a connection to you, to beg. I don’t know if it could ever be easy, nor if it’s ever necessary. I think not. 

You wanna Minaj?

I have rather different role models from the average female, or similar ones with some, depending on where you’re looking.

Amber Rose, I love her. Nicki Minaj, I feel her. Kim Kardashian, I’m on that.  Beyonce’s nice. Condoleza Rice too. Corrine Bailey Rae, a wonderful female..but I cannot relate.

Now a lot of people would look at these women and think Whore,Sell Out, Slut in that order. Understandable considering the way they’re portrayed/the way they’ve lived.  Amber was a stripper at 15, later labelled a gold-digger and really under normal circumstances wouldn’t be the girl you introduce to your mother. Nicki Minaj is raunchy as hell. She burst on the scene with lyrical content shouting out her sex game and was a mere sex object for many. Still is. Despite the fact that she said she fought for women and little girls to have a voice and such, it was hard to believe when all she did was prance around in lingerie and dropped lyrics such as “..and when he spank this, I make my pussy fart..” and “pussy open, it’s nothing..”. Kardashian became a household name when her sex tape with former relevant musician Ray J leaked. For the fact that you can type in her name into a search engine and see her doing the deed, she’s been labelled a skank for life. Her 72 day marriage didn’t do much to help her image either.

All in all given what we know about these women, the last thing you’d want would be for anyone with some sense to look up to them. A whore, a Sellout and a slut? God no. But here’s why I feel as I do. 

Amber went from a basic stripper to Kanye West’s boo. Now I don’t know whether it was her body or her mind that attracted the man, nor whether she actively pursued him or Lady Luck just happened to smile her way but she made it out of her circumstances. I doubt the girl was trying to strip forever, whether she enjoyed it or not.  She happened to get a man who wanted to take care of her. I’m not saying you should go and look for a man to “save” you, if you want to, sure, but that’s what happened here and it was not a bad thing.  Being in her circumstances, as a woman, would you have let the millionaire walk by?

But fast forward to when they were secure in their relationship, Amber didn’t lay around and bask in Ye’s glory. She posed for Louis Vuitton, she walked the runway at New York Fashion Week, appeared in reality shows and went on to work on her own eye wear line.  She was smart. She didn’t sit and watch shit happen.  Life happened and she got smart and rolled with the punches while making moves. How can you not respect that?

Now? She’s happily engaged to a millionaire with a baby on the way and a comfortable life. What is there to be mad at?

 

Nicki was born in Trinidad and Tobago to an accounting clerk and an airline employee.  Her father was a drug addict and apparently tried to kill their mother once.  She came to America, later went to LaGuardia, the same institution Lady Gaga went to, and struggled to be an artist. Eventually she was discovered by Wayne and signed to Young Money. Here she is today, wealthy beyond even her wildest dreams and successful. She made it. Now as I said, a lot of people could view her as a Sellout but I must ask, does the truth make you rich/successful lately?Is anyone being honest? No. People don’t accept that. That’s why songs about ass and guns are making people millionaires. We are the generation that seeks to numb everything and forget. How are we gonna get mad at a woman for fitting into the mold society has for her in order to live comfortably?

Is it a shame that she has to be portrayed as a toy in order to get some attention,yes definitely.  But it is what it is and the woman got smart about it. Honey, we’re out here trying to survive. If that means being a puppet sometimes, go ‘head. 

 In an interview with Vibe magzine she discussed her sexed up image and said “When I grew up I saw females doing certain things, and I thought I had to do that exactly. The female rappers of my day spoke about sex a lot… and I thought that to have the success they got, I would have to represent the same thing. When in fact I didn’t have to represent the same thing,” later adding, “I made a conscious decision to try to tone down the sexiness, I want people—especially young girls—to know that in life, nothing is going to be based on sex appeal. You got to have something else to go with that.”  As I said, it’s a sad reality that things are like that sometimes, but look at the fact that she got her foot in the door and got to work. Now, she’s an American Idol judge, has her own fragrance, Awards, endorsement deals..I mean, you notice her body but you acknowledge and appreciate Her and her work. What is there to not respect there?

 

Kim was just a random Armenian girl, Robert Kardashian‘s daughter, who became Ray J’s  girlfriend who’s now a millionaire, a brand, and all this from a sex tape. How many of us would have been able to drag ourselves out of the shame that comes with millions of strangers seeing you as “that girl who fucked Ray J” to having a dollar for every stranger who saw you naked? With the help of her mother, Kris, who’s also her manager, Kim worked her ass off and made all the right moves and now here she is with a reality show, dozens of magazine covers and a life many of us would kill for. The “slut” was smart enough to turn that all around.  Isn’t that lovely?

Looking at their respective lives/struggles, I personally find theirs more inspiring because they’re way more realistic. They are things I could relate to, situations I may end up in.  And the bottom line being: Shit happens. What are you gonna do about it?

As the saying goes “It’s not what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”  Are you still being exactly what people say you are?

AMBER THEN:

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AMBER NOW:

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NICKI:

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KIM:

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Why some women tend to be stupid bitches

This post will contain a lot of swearing.

I will be rude.

I will vent.

I am frustrated.

I’m starting to believe more men hate women out there than we believe.  Have you been reading about these rape cases lately? No, it’s not that rape is bad enough, now they’re gang raping, mutilating, like it ain’t shit. What must happen? What?

I wanna understand. I wanna know WHY. I know the basics, the textbook version of things, but that can’t be it because I’ve been taught that what we can learn, we can fix, but this here is some shit I don’t think anyone was ready for.

See, I’m not scared. No not really. Not for me anyway. I’m scared for the women who walk around with their heads held high, oblivious to what’s going on around them. The ones who think rape is “sad” but, it doesn’t involve them. The ones who have better shit to do than think about that.

What I wanna know is, don’t they understand that what affects one woman really affects us all? Honey, if they begin to hate us, they hate us all. They don’t hate the Blacks, or the Fat ones, or the Rich ones, we are ALL at risk every time we step out the house.

It appalls me that a lot of women are so detached from other women. Who else do you have other than us? I’m not saying men are shit, I’m not saying you can’t depend on them, but ask any female, the biggest issue women have amongst themselves, is other women.

We do not trust each other. We do not care about each other. We do not relate to one another and we do not listen to each other.

The 17 year old that gets raped is not you so you can’t feel that. The 25 year old who’s kidnapped and abused in front of her son is not your sister so you can’t feel that. The 50 year old woman who gets abducted, raped and murdered is murdered is not your mother so you can’t feel that. The 75 year old woman who gets strangled and sodomized is not your grandmother so you can’t feel that.

“It’s sad but..”

I’m saying you SHOULD feel it because on some level, these women are JUST LIKE YOU.

You have different names, stories, beliefs but you are women and considering how SHIT things are lately, what would it hurt to support one another?

I got to thinking about protests after going through my Twitter TL, but their effectiveness is not what I’m here to discuss. It got me wondering… Out of all the women I know, I promise you, less than 10 would be willing to march against rape, or any other injustice women face. Less. Than. 10.

How do I feel about that? I’m pissed off. I’m saddened. Because those who wouldn’t, are those who subscribe to victim shaming, those who turn a blind eye, those who would rather run to the boyfriend who assaults her because she’s convinced herself HE is what she needs.

This is shit.

Fucking. Shit.

Charlize Theron once did a PSA on Rape and stated that every 26 seconds a woman is raped in South Africa. 26 seconds. That’s basically 4 women per minute. For all I know the statistics are worse now.

You are a potential walking statistic, and you still think it doesn’t have shit to do with you?  As much as I respect choice, I can’t respect that one. I won’t.

I suggest you download that and tell me if that didn’t scare the shit out of you. If it didn’t reach a place in you not many things can. I’d like to know if you still think it’s such a far away Evil now.

This right here is what I wish would happen.

Women need to get mad. We need to start to live and protect OURSELVES now, not the perpetrators. We need to stop trying to be Ladies and NOT cause a raucous because we don’t wanna be judged.

The fuck are we trying to act right when we’re being treated wrong for?

Fuck that.

Fuck it.

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Keep your Enemies close, and your Friends in the same category.

Privilege and prosperity will always bring contempt.  It’s not always a matter of people not liking you, you’re fine, you’re just a person like them. It’s the fact that you have what they don’t, are able to do what they can’t and experience what they are unable to. It’s a matter of you having/being more than them and that being a constant reminder that maybe their insecurities aren’t so baseless. Your success/ comfort in life is something they cannot relate to and therefore they will dislike you for that. For the mere fact that you are different from them in that respect.

Now I understand envy, it’s normal. You desire to have what you lack. What I don’t understand is the hatred that comes with envy lately.

 It used to be someone could look and say ” I want that..I really do. Let me see how to go about getting it.” Now it’s more “I want that. They have it. I don’t want them to, so let me find a way to take it away from them.”

If you’ve read enough of these, you know I’m from Botswana. Born and bred.  I’ve lived in Gaborone all my life. One thing people who’ve been here for long enough agree on is that this place is depressing as shit. But apparently, any other place always seems better than where you are. 

Getting genuine support here is a hassle. Damn near impossible unless you’re getting it from those who are trying to do some other shit and are also facing resistance.  A lot of people here hate to see others do better, and I don’t use that word lightly. They will stare at you in disgust as you walk by, sabotage, start rumours and befriend you just to know your weaknesses, to make sure you do not get the opportunity to be what you would like.  The energy that goes into their bullshit is amazing.

Your own family may not have your back.  And to a certain degree that’s alright because people are people before they’re your relatives/friends.  They have their own issues, desires and secrets. That’s fine. I just have an issue with the lack of respect lately, lack of trust and the fact that so many people just can’t be happy for/proud of another.. Fuck, really though, where is the love?

I thought about it. Do Black people hate to see other Black people because we feel like they sold out from the struggle? Being identified as Black has for a long time been synonymous with Struggle, Being Less Than.. Being ‘The Nigga That Made It’ pisses people off. Why you? Who the fuck are you and what do you have that they don’t? Never mind that you worked hard, we’re supposed to, it’s the Prospering bit that they don’t like.

I swear it’s the tiniest shit lately, a man smiles at you and your friend is checking for him. She will not tell you, but she will go the extra mile to be noticed by this man and in the event that they sleep together, she will feel THAT much better because she got what she thought you wanted, regardless of whether you even noticed the man or not.

When did friendly competition become an all out war? When did we stop respecting each other’s battles and hustles and decide it was easier to sabotage than work for our own? When did friendships become more like infiltrating enemy camps? Honey, when did we start being shitty? Was it around the time when ‘Fuck the world’ replaced ‘We are the world’? 

Things are all kinds of messy when you keep your truth to yourself and even those you consider close to you only get a fraction of You.

Right now, trust really is for the naive.

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Saving This Ho

A few weeks ago I felt like the ugly girl in the group [Sorry if that’s you right now.. Or ever.] Life was shit. I was tired and I was lonely. So I decided to find a man..which in actual fact proved more difficult than I thought.

As I told my friend, it’s one thing for people to be attracted to you. Its another for them to actually See you. I am not lacking when it comes to admirers, although granted I hardly give them the time of day.. I always have a reason why not.. But with loneliness came compromise and.. Well.. Nah hey.

There was this one guy who’s BEEN trying to holler. So I was like ‘Fuck it, why not? He’d look pretty on my arm and I don’t find his company draining so.. Hey boo..”.  We spend a lot of time talking.. We do the time “Boo,Love,Hun..” thing and eventually I end up at his house. Everything was flowing and I actually kinda liked him.. [And his face.. Figured it would look quite pretty between my legs].. Til  we started talking. Actually speaking and exchanging thoughts.

He was a tad bit homophobic [Tad bit? I don’t know.. Just…listen], quite bland in fact and by the end of the first hour I found myself questioning if I should have stayed in bed and kept up the illusion instead. It was as if with every new topic, I found a new reason not to like him.

Then came the icing on the cake.. The “I think you’re an amazing woman.. But.. You just aren’t… A Lady. Men need women who say Yes. You don’t.”
Now.. I know this, but I still marvel at the amount of attention I get from men who think I’m “too much”.

If in actual fact that is how you feel boo, where are you going?  I had one guy tell me I don’t seem “Pure” and yet he sat there for hours on end listening to stories about my “impure” life.. I swear this is all some bullshit.

I’m not bothered though because if what they say they don’t like is what they keep coming back to.. Well.. Hey. Maybe I don’t feel any kind of way about it because I don’t give then anything more than good conversation. If all I give you is my words and thoughts, there’s nothing to miss should you go. It’s not as if there’s ever really any intimate bond formed.

I have this other “friend” who gets defensive at the very sight of any indication that I might be a female with feelings. It’s actually quite amusing. If I speak to him too often he feels the need to have the “Girls tend to fall in love with me but I can’t love” conversation. I humour him, it’s cute. If I tell him more than he feels he should know he reassures me that he cares, but really.. I should be strong, on my own. It’s hilarious. Sometimes I tell him a string of random nonsense just to watch him panic and find a way to squirm out of the conversation. He keeps missing one thing though. It’s as if when I tell him that in actual fact I speak to him as I do everyone else, he can’t hear me. He nods and agrees and throws in the “I hope so.. You’re so open..it’s cool.” but he’s so convinced that I’m just WAITING to love him that he doesn’t really acknowledge my words.  I’ve actually never seen someone avoid and be repelled by the idea of intimacy as he does.  He’s interesting to observe.

I was lonely til I realized I don’t even WANT a romantic relationship, rather, a certain level of intimacy. Someone to talk to whenever about whatever who’d remember my words and understand some shit y’know. That was it.

A while ago I got a phone call from a guy who told me that he was quite interested in me and was determined to make me “His” no matter what. That’s when it hit home. The idea of “belonging” to someone now terrifies me. I don’t want it. I don’t want to be the one you introduce to your friends as “Her”. I don’t want to be the one cooking for your friends and playing House with. I just want to Be.

But maybe my “impurity” makes certain men believe I’m trying to get “saved”. Never that boo. Well.. Not now anyway.

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