A few weeks ago I felt like the ugly girl in the group [Sorry if that’s you right now.. Or ever.] Life was shit. I was tired and I was lonely. So I decided to find a man..which in actual fact proved more difficult than I thought.
As I told my friend, it’s one thing for people to be attracted to you. Its another for them to actually See you. I am not lacking when it comes to admirers, although granted I hardly give them the time of day.. I always have a reason why not.. But with loneliness came compromise and.. Well.. Nah hey.
There was this one guy who’s BEEN trying to holler. So I was like ‘Fuck it, why not? He’d look pretty on my arm and I don’t find his company draining so.. Hey boo..”. We spend a lot of time talking.. We do the time “Boo,Love,Hun..” thing and eventually I end up at his house. Everything was flowing and I actually kinda liked him.. [And his face.. Figured it would look quite pretty between my legs].. Til we started talking. Actually speaking and exchanging thoughts.
He was a tad bit homophobic [Tad bit? I don’t know.. Just…listen], quite bland in fact and by the end of the first hour I found myself questioning if I should have stayed in bed and kept up the illusion instead. It was as if with every new topic, I found a new reason not to like him.
Then came the icing on the cake.. The “I think you’re an amazing woman.. But.. You just aren’t… A Lady. Men need women who say Yes. You don’t.”
Now.. I know this, but I still marvel at the amount of attention I get from men who think I’m “too much”.
If in actual fact that is how you feel boo, where are you going? I had one guy tell me I don’t seem “Pure” and yet he sat there for hours on end listening to stories about my “impure” life.. I swear this is all some bullshit.
I’m not bothered though because if what they say they don’t like is what they keep coming back to.. Well.. Hey. Maybe I don’t feel any kind of way about it because I don’t give then anything more than good conversation. If all I give you is my words and thoughts, there’s nothing to miss should you go. It’s not as if there’s ever really any intimate bond formed.
I have this other “friend” who gets defensive at the very sight of any indication that I might be a female with feelings. It’s actually quite amusing. If I speak to him too often he feels the need to have the “Girls tend to fall in love with me but I can’t love” conversation. I humour him, it’s cute. If I tell him more than he feels he should know he reassures me that he cares, but really.. I should be strong, on my own. It’s hilarious. Sometimes I tell him a string of random nonsense just to watch him panic and find a way to squirm out of the conversation. He keeps missing one thing though. It’s as if when I tell him that in actual fact I speak to him as I do everyone else, he can’t hear me. He nods and agrees and throws in the “I hope so.. You’re so open..it’s cool.” but he’s so convinced that I’m just WAITING to love him that he doesn’t really acknowledge my words. I’ve actually never seen someone avoid and be repelled by the idea of intimacy as he does. He’s interesting to observe.
I was lonely til I realized I don’t even WANT a romantic relationship, rather, a certain level of intimacy. Someone to talk to whenever about whatever who’d remember my words and understand some shit y’know. That was it.
A while ago I got a phone call from a guy who told me that he was quite interested in me and was determined to make me “His” no matter what. That’s when it hit home. The idea of “belonging” to someone now terrifies me. I don’t want it. I don’t want to be the one you introduce to your friends as “Her”. I don’t want to be the one cooking for your friends and playing House with. I just want to Be.
But maybe my “impurity” makes certain men believe I’m trying to get “saved”. Never that boo. Well.. Not now anyway.