Labels and Self Told Lies

“Among other things, you’ll find that you’re not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You’re by no means alone on that score, you’ll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You’ll learn from them–if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It’s a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn’t education. It’s history. It’s poetry.” – Mr Antolini, Catcher in the Rye

No one tells you as you grow and Become yourself, you will also have to simultaneously die.

We don’t know how to deal with losing the parts of ourselves we’ve grown attached to.  It’s something we teach ourselves and most of us coming from an upbringing where we’re taught to obey and follow find self realization and self actualization quite a task. I’m fairly certain THAT is what breaks a lot of people. The growing process, not necessarily the trauma we endure.

I think it’s nice that people have expectations of others. Its understandable I guess. I think you can have hopes for somebody else, but people forget that they’re theirs and want to impose them on others. People who say things like “I’m disappointed in you” are dumb to me.  They never realize they’re disappointed because they forgot human beings make choices and in the real world, their hopes and expectations are nothing but pretty decorations.

I have a very close, somewhat odd relationship with my ex. We clash often. Mostly due to the fact that I always try to force him to act a certain way and he’s not having it. I appreciate him though.  Love him even, sometimes. I confide in him and he holds the parts of me I’d rather no one else have. Anyway, while I was throwing a tantrum over something or the other he told me frankly “You don’t listen. You only ever listen to what pleases you and everything else you shut out.” And I didn’t even bother to deny it.  I am a selfish narcissist. An occasional hypocrite. I’m quite emotional and very stubborn. Bipolar and being passive aggressive don’t make me the easiest person to deal with.

I decided to be honest with myself. I’m not sure if these traits are flaws because as far as I know, they have their positive aspects. But any outsider would be quick to point out what a horrible person I probably am. Thankfully, my cup of Damns To Give is running low lately.

A lot’s happened in Life and as you grow, you do what you have to do to manage, or tap out. I think a lot of the time we beat ourselves up for being a certain way and forget WHY we are as we are. And the people looking down on you and judging you never help.

“She’s angry. She’s always sad. He has intimacy issues. She’s paranoid. He can’t figure out what to do with his Life.” And then after a while you begin to look at yourself the way they look at you. It’s horrible,and it happens oh so easily.

As I told my friend the other day “You aren’t doing anything but growing.” I sat and thought about it and really..You are not the first. You aren’t the first to feel as you do, hate yourself as you do, have that level of uncertainty nor fear waking up and DOING things. And I understand why you feel that way.

It’s easy to view people and label them, ‘Pathetic’,’Cunt’,’Stuck Up’, but I think only those who haven’t lived look at things simply in Black and White.

At the end of the day, I personally have more fears than I can voice. Tiny terrors. I’m a nervous individual and the things that bother me either terrify or anger me. I’m short tempered and I cry when I’m mad. I’m very indecisive. Sometimes my passive aggressive nature makes me wonder if I’m a tad bit two faced. I’m controlling and manipulative when I feel the need to be. And I understand why. I’m alright with it. I see no point in feeling shame for who you are, or feeling shame and not doing anything about it. Right now my words to live by are simple: Lose what doesn’t work for you. Even if that means losing who you are right now.

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