Why do you like him?

I have a friend who prefers to keep his private life just that: Private. He won’t tweet about it, won’t update his status about it, shit, he won’t even make phone calls to a Lady with his friends around and if he does, they’ll have no idea who he’s calling. It’s just how he is. See at first I thought this was shady. His secretive nature would lead one to wonder what he’s hiding but last night I understood why. Your private life is for you and you alone to have and to manage.

Unfortunately I talk about everything. It has it’s pros and cons.  Through communication I get to let go of a lot of things that bother me, even if I don’t discuss them with who I should, assuming a person is the problem. I learn new opinions, points of view and interact with all kinds of people. On the other hand, being so vocal means I also rob myself of having a private life. All the secrets and intimate moments I have right now can be counted on one hand. I almost always feel the need to share.

Now, when it comes to relationships, getting an opinion from a friend could do way more harm than good. We know. Asking her/him what to do, how to handle someone, what they’re like really ends up with you not doing what you should, speak to them [your partner].

I had a discussion with a friend about a man I consider, frankly, lovely. I swooned, she agreed on most bits and at some point said “If you wanna settle down or get married or whatever he’d be the perfect guy for you. He cares you know? And he listens and he’ll always be there, just say when.” At that point we’d been drinking, it was lovely to hear I guess.  The woman in me that wants to have a companion sometimes heard this and laid herself next to his image, ready. Here, I believe I messed up.

I went home, texted him and passed out. I awoke later in the night to what I considered a rather indifferent response to what I said [Which,no, wasn’t a confession of my undying love for him] and it just fucked up my night. No lie. I started wondering why he’d be so nonchalant, was it something I did? Maybe he’s lost interest. Is he fine? Should I call? Would that be weird? I know we aren’t together and no we aren’t really friends but.. And my mind worked like this while I went in and out of consciousness. I did not miss this bit.  I got mad. Then I felt bad, then I just had to wake up and ask myself “What’s your issue? Do you even like him that way or you’re acting like this because now you think you should? Do you? And know that if you cannot answer this to yourself truthfully, you’re gonna mess it up for everyone. Stop.” 

I get that way sometimes.

And that is how I ended up here. I thought about it. As lovely as this man is, and Black Female Jesus knows I think he’s beautiful, things are fine. I cannot honestly say I want to be His because to a certain extent right now I already am and this is all I’m willing to give right now.  His text, the one that I lost sleep over, was frankly how he always is. He doesn’t like texting and to be frank, it was nothing worth getting excited about. I tripped.

And you know what else? I’m like this all the time in relationships. Well at least I was in the last one. Wait, I’m like this in Life, all the time, to be honest. I overreact a lot, a lot of things either make complete or no sense at all to me and I have minor panic attacks all the time. Maybe I need to know when to shut up and think and when to share. Evidently I haven’t figured that out yet.

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