“What,a man?”

“..So I figured out the key to success for a woman. I mean, do you know how hard it is to try and maintain a relationship while getting ahead in Life? One has to suffer man, I don’t know why. Shit’s stress man. Especially if you’re with someone who doesn’t care. You spend your time trying to work on things and slack on You. It doesn’t work, You slack on You still..”

“Yeah..and so..?”

“And so..to make it as a successful female in Life. You need a vibrator. It’s the only way..”

He laughed then. Like what I was telling him was a joke.

See, this is what’s been happening. I’ve been worrying about what I’ve decided, is nonsense. Why am I single? Is it me? Do I even want to be with someone though? Or am I just tired of fucking around? Could So and So be the one?For now anyway?

These questions are time consuming and tedious.

I’ve been single for 7 months now. This is the longest I’ve been alone since I started dating at 12. If anything I’d end a relationship and be in one a week later, at one point my best friend asked me why I seem to be afraid of being alone so when the time rolled around, when I lacked the energy to deal with anyone else, I took his advice and did Me.

However with the looming threat of a potential Love interest I realized, I cannot function this way. If my relationship isn’t going well, my productivity plummets. I worry, I put my whole life on hold til that one aspect of it is fine. And I know many women who’re that way.

I appreciate that in Life we would like to have a companion, some kind of support system that doesn’t need to be there but chooses to. It’s only normal to desire intimacy. It is also only normal to want to succeed in whatever your heart drives you to seek out. But let’s admit it Ladies, it’s hard.

We expect ourselves to be Superwoman, even if we know we don’t need to be that for anyone but ourselves. You want to be able to put out your best in every aspect of your life but sometimes you aren’t getting any help from the person that’s supposed to be your partner and you seem to have the world’s burdens on your shoulders.

When you succeed in the office and seem to “slack” at home you know you get the snide remarks. Nobody really takes a woman’s success seriously unless she’s linked to a man do they? Beyonce’s an amazing artist but when you ask most people why they think so it’s “Because  she does it all. She gets her own and takes care of her man.” If she didn’t have Sean would her success be such an extraordinary thing to them?

I wonder about these things man.

And I know when I mentioned the vibrator thing it may seem like I meant to objectify men,not at all. I’m saying maybe it’s best to be intimate with your own damn self and take care of yourself. If the people we’re letting in to try and build with only demolish, why keep them around? For company?

The women I know who’ve stayed with men who only let them go so far, or convinced them they only desire to go so far, are sad. Because you’re giving up who you could be for somebody else who isn’t even happy with who you are.

Is it sad that it’s looking like you actually can’t have your cake and eat it too? Quite so. But maybe that’s just how it is, or it isn’t the right time. Either way, that’s how it is. And I’m saying, sometimes you have to sacrifice. The question remains, “Would you give your all for you?” I’m trying.


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