How to be a Lady

To be frank and honest I find a man labeling me a “Lady” as offensive as the average woman finds the term “Bitch”.  

The idea of being a “Lady” was created by a group of men who wanted trophies to parade among  themselves and use for their every whim without hearing so much as a whimper from them.  It was then carried around by women who adopted it, possibly because they wanted to get chose and now the rest of us are plagued with this “Be a Lady” bullshit.

But since most women are convinced we all need to act a certain way, I’m here to help.  I’m probably single and masturbating while reading novels because I’m not a Lady, and as a good woman and sister to you all, I’d like to save you from the trauma of spending your time focusing on yourself and self pleasuring. God forbid you actually do what you want and enjoy it.

Don’t think.

You have no business doing that, only Lesbians and Feminists think and look at them? Do they seem happy? No. They can’t be if they don’t have the Almighty Males at the center of their lives.

Detach yourself from all females. 

These women are out here lately drinking beer, writing, smoking and even buying sex toys. Sinful heathens the lot of them.  No man will pick you if you associate with them.  And that’s what we live for isn’t it? To be loved by men? Let go. 

You know that face you pull when you’re trying really hard to push that last bit out..?

Give it all the time. The same “I’m really trying to drop this deuce” smile. Never laugh in public, if anything, giggle. Only whores laugh in public because they’re trying to clear the cum from their throats. Remember this. 

Pick out all your clothes with the intent to impress men.

From the neighborhood drunk to the man who collects the garbage. Wear lingerie to watch TV and text your boss with lipstick on. So what if they can’t see? The fact remains that the Universe realizes that you’re trying to make the effort and will reward you.

Never consume anything in public.

Not even water. Why? Are you a thirsty bitch? Just don’t do it.

Spend all your money on make up and slimming teas.

It’s in the Good Book. “Do whatever you can to please every man”. Let this be in your mind at all times.  Ladies are not worthy of love unless they make sure every man they encounter leaves with the desire to lock them up in their houses and make them do housework.

Don’t wear pants.

They are not meant for you. Are you an authoritative figure? Jeans are for home-wreckers and On The Go prostitutes. Never be caught dead in anything a nun wouldn’t wear.

 

Don’t read books. Don’t better yourself any way but physically.

Real ladies know what’s inside doesn’t matter. Be a vacuum, men love that shit and they’ll soon be knocking at your door.

Don’t listen to music.

It’ll give you ideas. And we do not want you to think. Let this be your motto.

Do not shave your pubes until you have a possible Husband.

Only sluts and whores have no pubic hair. Why? Because the demons living in their vaginas might get lonely and need company that’s why. No hair makes it easier to access their Hell Holes. Keep your pubic hair for as long as it takes you to get chose. He’ll appreciate the effort. 

Your anus is a dirty place

So only shit..defecate..when it’s ABSOLUTELY necessary. Can’t get too used to that hole being open right Ladies? Might fuck around..I mean..mess around..and get ideas.

Don’t get an education beyond High School.

I told you, those things are for lesbians and feminists. Carry a random book around with a cheerful cover to please people’s eyes. Make sure the cover is bright and has the wording in Italics. 

Never orgasm.

Ever. Do you want him to leave you and find someone purer because you fucked around.. I mean.. Mucked about and enjoyed sex? Don’t be dirty.

Never,ever have an opinion 

on anything. If you aren’t agreeing with a man or praising him, don’t speak. Ladies never have a say in anything and that is the REAL reason why the world keeps turning.  Don’t react to anything either. If you aren’t crying because you don’t understand how God blessed you with men and Taylor Swift, shut up. 

And never, ever, indulge in any worldly pleasures.

God did not create women to enjoy their lives. Don’t ruin this. 

I’ve tried. If you don’t get chose after sticking to these maybe your Vagina automatically gives you dirty Slut demons and you will never find Love. Unfortunately having brains and mouths makes it extra difficult for most of us as women to settle. Intelligence is such a burden and freedom of choice, the worst. 

I hope it goes well. It’s unfortunately too late for me because I’m already an alcohol drinking,   book reading smoker with dreams and ambitions, but maybe one day I’ll accept that I’m an educated Feminist Lesbian because of all the books I’ve read and just leave it be.

Adieu. 

Your Kind:

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Our Kind:

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