What’s in a good Dom?
I’ve been asking myself lately and it seems I just got the bare essentials down.
- Open minded
Everything for me really comes after or under these.
Now I’ll admit I’m fairly new to D/s relationships. Had we discussed this months ago the answer to “What makes a good Dom?” probably would have been “The ability to use your body to his satisfaction and push your sexual limits without ever being inconsiderate/disrespectful in the process” and as much as that may be true for the sexual aspect of things, I’ve learned it isn’t limited to that, as is a common misconception.
When one mentions that they’re submissive, people usually assume that it means s/he is into relationships where they can be used and abused. That they enjoy being degraded and made to feel “less than”. As much as this is true for people unfamiliar with the lifestyle, I’ve discovered many potential Doms think this way too lately. They don’t care to learn about You, your preferences, your limits, your character, to a lot of them, you’re merely someone to sexually dominate, a nymphomaniac acquiescent to his whims.
And this is okay if one so wishes for it to be so, but really, not every man who can tell you what to do and express himself is Dominant. Some only receive the title because we make the mistake of allowing ourselves to be deceived by the illusion and give them the title.
The best thing you can do as a sub is find an intelligent Dom. Really, after a while, the “I want you”s and “You’re such a dirty sluts” become boring. A man who’s able to express himself well and understands the importance and power of words will always keep you interested. Plus a well read man can teach you plenty.
As a sub you give yourself to someone and trust them to better you and help you better yourself. This is something worth remembering.
Dominating is not about [just] using force. If the only way he can get you to do things is by being in your presence and intimidating you with his, I don’t think he’s doing it right. I’ve found it’s a combination of genuinely wanting to please your Sir and his ability to influence you verbally, especially in the case of long distance relationships. You can always tell when a man is naturally dominant because of his ability to easily lead you to submit, it’s in his nature. A command from him sounds different, his body language too, it’s the look in eye of certainty. Unmistakable.
Doms who make you dread being intimate with them may possibly be abusive. If you can’t open up to him because he makes you feel like a sissy or you dread lovemaking because he seems to completely disregard your comfort levels and safety, it would be best to leave. As I said, some men just want a sex slave and will take advantage of a sub simply for their own pleasure.
If your partner at any point makes you feel inadequate for having limits, he probably doesn’t respect you and as you know, respect is integral in such a set-up. One who doesn’t appreciate you will never be good for you, this is key to remember as a new sub. A lot of people might want to use your inexperience to their advantage and cheat, abuse and put you in dangerous situations and state that you just don’t understand how it all works.
Your Dom should be the one person you feel safest with. The intimacy shared, I’ve found, transcends that of an average boyfriend/girlfriend relationship because you bare yourself to them. You trust them to have your best interests at heart, more so than in an average relationship and if at any point you find your safety/peace may be compromised, it’s probably time to go.
Many men prey on emotionally vulnerable women, convince them they’re submissive and use them. I think a sub is much more vulnerable to meeting douchebags than the average woman. Many assume we’re weak, so they patronize. Others, assuming the same thing, think they can easily walk into your life and immediately start bossing you around. You meet those who will try their first attempt at choking on you and not realize that he needs to be attentive to your body too. Those quick to tie you up but with no patience to learn how. Those who don’t understand that you are not weak, but nor will you be strong all the time.
Submissives are not unable to take care of themselves. No, we aren’t all messes who need a partner to tell us how to live. The fact that we’re perceived to be and portrayed as helpless is not only offensive, it probably keeps many from admitting that they are because of the shame associated with being considered one.
We choose to give ourselves in such a way because it’s what feels right to us. I personally desire a level of intimacy that transcends what my peers are accustomed to. I want to know that my partner knows me, cares for and understands me and can stand on the days when I’m crawling.
My Sir taught me the importance of friendship and understanding, and as his sub I was grateful for every single lesson. He set a very high standard for the next one and I only wish that everyone could at least have had one such partner, it would save a lot of people from heartache and help others understand that no, it’s not just about spending time on your knees and being dragged around.
Calling someone Daddy/Sir/Master is not to be taken lightly. You are giving parts of yourself, the most important bits, to someone and as romantic as it may sound, we live in a world where most people destroy rather than create.
The kind of appreciation partners in a D/s relationship show for one another may be foreign in this day and age. It’s easier to assume that a sub is simply weak and worshiping the first Alpha that comes along, but I assure you there’s a certain strength that’s required to open up to someone as we do. A very real and beautiful strength coupled with honest vulnerability.