Month: June 2013

On bad parenting. [Excuse my French.]

As a child, you learn, maybe, to accept the fact that your parents are people too, in order to shield yourself from all the disappointment.  By telling yourself “They’re people too, they’ll fuck up” the things they do don’t hurt so bad.  Sometimes however, they just don’t give a fuck.  They take your maturity for granted and use it as an excuse to shrug off parental obligations.

 People tend to think kids are the needy, deceitful, manipulative ones.. You haven’t met some of these parents hey.  Some parents will shamelessly rob their kids of the beauty of youth. Teach them to hate, to belittle..pass their venom onto them.  Use them for their own selfish bullshit.

 

Oh but let the child attempt to get out of it..To stop being a pawn..To no longer carry them.. The child is “ungrateful”, “doesn’t understand”, is getting involved in things that “aren’t their business”.

 There’re a few things that I hate about this family shit, and I hardly ever use the word “hate”.  

I don’t like that these people feel like you owe them your time, energy..And that they think they can take it and it’s whatever. That you’re somehow indebted to them simply because of a surname/DNA/your gender etc

I don’t like the expectation.

I don’t like the forced bonds.

I don’t like that sometimes, you can’t do anything about anything, for whatever reason.

I don’t want it. I don’t want to have relationships forced on to me.

I don’t like cooking when I’m not hungry. You’re hungry, fix that.

The “has your father eaten?” question like he isn’t able bodied. I don’t know.

The fact that the men will sit, the whole day on a couch, waiting. For food, for attention..anything..Just waiting. And it’s fine.

The “You can’t do that/act that way, you’re a woman” shit.

But most of all..

That everyone, everyone wants to create you for their own personal, selfish reasons.

Man, I hate this shit.

They also don’t know how to leave people alone. They smother you with their mess and call it love.

I hate always having to tell people where I am or where I’m going..It doesn’t matter. I’m gonna lie anyway.

“Where were you?” Does it matter? Am I dead?

These people that you’re born with aren’t always your “family”. Fuck around and end up trying to learn to love toxic people.

They don’t go away, they don’t leave you alone, they don’t let you grow [into what you wanna be].

I am mad as shit at shit I never discuss. Seething.

 

– Courtesy of my Twitter timeline. A bit crude, I know. But I was rather bothered. 

Mama said

  1. Never show a man you love him too much. They will see this and take advantage of it knowing you won’t leave.
  2. Never love a man too much i.e more than yourself. He can never give you more than you can give yourself for as long as you can.
  3. When you cook maize meal, add a bit of salt and oil.
  4. Your marriage won’t be worth much if your partner isn’t worth much. If you insist on settling down, let your partner build you.
  5. Take care of your body. Especially your figure and your skin. Your whole appearance as a Woman shows how you feel about yourself and has the power to give you the confidence you need.
  6. Buy attractive lingerie for yourself, not to show it off to someone else.
  7. Family is everything. Friends come and go but if you find those worth keeping, do so. 
  8. Never let another person steal your joy. 
  9. Buy pretty bedding.
  10. Sometimes you need to pray. [Or as I call it, Talk to the Air.]

 

Sound advice, she’s tried.

 

But as I found myself thinking about my future children, especially my daughters, I grew distressed trying to figure out what to teach them and how.

See, I believe my mother didn’t teach me what I feel my daughter should know. And I understand why. For her, some of the greatest lessons have come about through trial and error and being reactive to certain situations which, probably could have been avoided had one of us been proactive, but I understand because she isn’t as vocal as I am and hope to be by the time I have kids. 

She didn’t tell me that boys would lie until I’d already been lied to and led down undesirable paths in the name of Love.

She didn’t prepare me for the emotional Beast I’d become once a month when my hormones kick in.  The Education system failed me here too. Y’all just made it seem like a bit of bleeding, not cramps that feel like a kick to the vagina resulting in what looks like a Spartan battlefield on a good/bad day. The anger, emotional texts to Ex’s [although that could just be me] none of that.

She didn’t tell me that as a female, you’re a walking target. I guess I understand why. My mother doesn’t really see things the way that I do. She still victim blames, I admit, but a lot of her generation does. Also, I doubt she would have wanted me to grow up looking over my shoulder expecting to have something happen but, I feel it’s something every girl should know. Rather rob them of their childhood with honesty than have them end up in a situation far worse because they were naive.

Pregnancy scares. We don’t discuss those obviously. I doubt we ever will, but I want to with my daughter. I guess we’ll squeeze it into the Sex Talk.  One of the few times we discussed pregnancy I brought up abortion and my mother was mortified. “We don’t kill what God creates” she said. I laughed and said those are her views and we’d need to be logical and consider whether bringing a child into the world would be the best thing. She said I was speaking like the Devil, which amused me. I know though that I don’t want my daughter feeling obligated to keep a child because of emotional blackmail. I want her, should she find herself in that position, to make an informed decision.

She never told me to know when to leave a man, I found that out the hard way.  

I learned that one should avoid patriarchal men like the plague out in the world too. My daughter will know the same. Although I guess the “Have a partner who builds you” part covered that.

Cook because you want to, not because you have to, for someone else. I hate that. Having to interrupt your time of doing Peaceful Nothing to fix a meal for someone who’ll probably decide it’s not worth it and sleep by the time you’re done. 

I believe Sundays are peaceful. For solitude and everything else you want. Sundays are Selfish days, to be worshiped. I’ll tell my daughter. 

Mama always wanted a happy family that bonds over dinner and cooks together and laughs all the time and such. We are the exact opposite. She knows her children love her but I always tell her, personally, I don’t feel the need to always be in my family’s presence. I spend a fair amount of time alone and there isn’t anything wrong. She says it’ll lead to me being in an unhappy household, I tell her I don’t want to raise kids  who are dependent on another person for comfort, it’s simply how I am. 

I drink quite a bit. I drink when I’m sad, when I’m happy and when I’m excited. No, it isn’t as often as you may think, but beer, wine, straights, they all get a pass with me. And no I don’t get sloppy drunk unless I’m home and with close friends, and even then, I never want to because I always want to know everyone is alright. My mother drinks a few glasses of wine every two months and thinks I’m an alcoholic. Dear Future Daughter, drink if you want to, just don’t be a fuck up.

Religion. If you haven’t figured it out by now, she’s religious. Christian. I was once, and then I read too many books and thought too much to continue believing in a White man in the Sky and virgins giving birth to Saviors. I hope my daughter isn’t religious, I won’t lie. Spiritual, yes please. But that’s her choice to make. 

Sexuality. I’m guessing you can figure out mother’s views on that. Marriage, monogamy, kids, the basics. I still have to explain to her how gay people have sex sometimes when she’s drunk and curious but thank god she’s not a homophobe. I want my daughter to do with her body as she pleases, to own herself.

I will stress the importance of an education. Not just degrees, they’re nice, but to be smart and know the world, understand people, understand yourself. Nothing’s more depressing than a person with a degree and an empty head, there’re too many running around.

I want her to know she’s always stronger than she knows and sometimes, than she wants to be, and her mother was too. 

I want her to know that Love is everything. And true Love, for anything or anyone, should never leave you feeling Less Than in anyway. 

And that mistakes happen and there is no shame in Living. 

I hope I raise a little Warrior. A beauty. An Amazonian Princess honestly. A woman who could have held her own had she been born in Sparta. Someone like Cleopatra. One who walks with pride and is firm in her knowledge of Self and depends on no none, needs no one, who isn’t worth it. I hope I raise a Queen who unfortunately, will know loneliness because those of her kind will be rare in society, but I know she will seek out and find comfort in like minded people.

I know a fair amount of the lessons will come about as me being reactive too. I realize that with parenting. I appreciate what my mother has taught me and what she kept from me, she was doing the best she could and I will do the same. Maybe one day my daughter too will point out what I could’ve taught her but didn’t. And that’s alright.

The whole point of relationships is to learn. My mother has taught me and I have taught her. Lessons I hope we both spread out into the world. 

Lessons of Love. 

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Love For Sale

“You overlooking every nigga that ain’t quite ready,
To make it rain on you like about to break a levee,
Hold up, that pussy petty.
Yeah, your nails did, your hair did,
Your cell phone is selfish,It only got numbers that come with a Hummer..” – Kendrick Lamar, Memories Back Then

 

Is it really though?  And if so, what’s wrong with that?

See, you can use your mind to get ahead in Life, that’s expected.  You can use your name, it’s sometimes frowned upon but really, go ahead.  You can use who you know, what you’ve seen or what you can do. But using your body, that’s downright sleazy.  

A woman who only associates with wealthy men is considered a gold digger. Called a Ho, shallow, considered unintelligent, she disgusts many, is looked down upon and might as well be a prostitute according to them, she IS in their eyes, save for the street walking. 

And I think that has got to be the silliest way of looking at it. The worst. 

 

Why do people think these women are unintelligent/uneducated?

Possibly because back in the days when women were thought to not need an education,  she “needed” a wealthy man  for support.  Maybe, to shame them for their choice, to make them appear as nothing but bodies, mindless, starving vixens. Obviously to make them appear as ones not deserving of respect because people would think they have nothing to offer.  

 

These women are some of the strongest, smartest women in our society today.  Who else can realize that they can use what they have to get what they want and actually follow through to live as they want despite the judgement and backlash? 

 

Why should I be ashamed to use my body but proud to use my mind?  I mean, other people can know what I know, but if I have the kind of body that draws attention and admirers, are you telling me that I should ignore that, and not couple it with my intellect, because you’ll judge me? It’s not happening. 

 

“Say No to Struggle” A friend reminds me every time we’re together.  Honey, does it make sense to capitalize on everything that you have except the one thing you always possess, that comes naturally?

No,  this is not me telling women to actively seek out wealthy men, or to be escorts or sex workers, this is me telling them they have the right to, if they want to. 

Asa Akira’s a porn star who absolutely adores her job.  She gets paid to fuck and can take on as many men as she wants.  You can tell she happily comes to work. Pun intended. I’ve never seen her even the least bit uncomfortable in her scenes.

“For as long as I can remember, I’ve been called a slut, a whore..All I know is, I’m insatiable.” -Asa

Skin Diamond too. Everyone she works with from actors and actresses to photographers say she’s a breeze to work with because she’s passionate about it. Isn’t that lovely?

Would you do it? I mean, we all love sex. Okay, most of us do. But if you have a passion for it, as a woman, would you? Other than the obvious, explaining to parents…blah blah blah..what else would hold you back? I know “What would people think?” is on that mental list. How does that make you feel? That you’d let something as trivial as opinions that would have nothing to do with your actual job keep you from pursuing it? Logic says that fear makes sense. What does Love say?

It’s your body.

Your image.

Your Life.

Your conscience.

You are your responsibility.

I tend to tell people that Shame is an inherited emotion. We feel ashamed because people tell us we should be and that’s not fair.  If you insist, you have the right to tell me what’s appropriate in society, but you can’t tell me what’s appropriate for Me. 

People still do though. Often. Passionately. I’ve found their voices aren’t as loud as my feelings and my conscience. I wish it was the same for others.  

There’s no shame in doing what you want with what’s yours. It’s yours. Other people’s opinions are theirs. Don’t let them dictate what you do, they don’t know what you want nor need. 

Live. 

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Thoughts on Love

It’s when you have to explain unconditional love to people that you realize just how loveless the average person is. For many of us, it’s “I love her because she’s always been there for me/He cares” or some other mess. Which means when they stop all that, you won’t love them the same, if at all.

And that right there is what we have. I give you BECAUSE you give me.
I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with it. I, personally, can do without that though. 
When two people care about each other and someone says “You should be together”. What makes you think they aren’t already together?Of course what they mean is “You should parade your Love in front of everyone so we believe it’s authenticity.” And isn’t that a shame..That you need other people to see it and comment on it in order to believe it truly exists.
What I’ve learned is that the people you change for don’t love you the way they should. They never do. Nothing, nothing beats simply BEING with someone, as you are. Free to speak your mind, to laugh, hurt..do NOTHING, but Be. Comfortable. It doesn’t even need to be romantic. But you always fall in love with the people you truly love. You love them in all ways.
There’s a difference between belonging to each other by choice and being tied down to one another because you want to own what you “love”. You can never own a human being. Even the one that you create is not yours.A lot of us spend our time uncomfortable, answering silly questions, trying to care about people the way we think we’re “supposed” to.
What do you know about Comfortable love? No, I don’t mean, We’ve Known Each Other For A Long Time love.Intimacy. Something unaffected by time.
Have you ever met a person you just..fell into..? They feel like home from the very moment you stop pretending to be put together.We spend most of our time with other humans trying to be Less Than what we are to make them comfortable.
Who thinks you’re beautiful simply because you exist? Not because they like your face, or what you do for them, but because you Are…
The only thing a person who cares about you should “let” you do is be what you want to be. Understanding between two people is so precious. I can’t stress this enough. 
Everybody else is outside. And you can try to paint a picture for them but.. It’s never enough.. You can’t EXPLAIN beauty.
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All Falls Down

The first decision I ever made as an adult was to drop out of school.

As my mother stared at me in disbelief, tears in her eyes, she asked me why and I said “I want to be happy. I’m not happy.” and started crying. She looked at me like I’d gone mad as my father rolled his eyes.

Ware [You say] happy? Get your degree and that will make you happy.”

I didn’t budge and neither did they.

My aunts came wondering what had gone wrong. My father stopped speaking to me and my mother seemed to wither away.

One of my aunts asked me why I wouldn’t go back and when I told her it’s because I didn’t want to, she said “Life is not about what you want” to which I responded “Then what is the point in living?” She didn’t have an answer for me.

I stayed home for close to a year. Wallowing mostly. In self pity, shame.

Was I wrong? Why couldn’t I be miserable and yet focused like the other kids? Had I shamed my family because I didn’t want to be one of those people who wake up at 36 and think “Fuck. I wasted it all.”

The worst part was, I didn’t know what exactly I wanted to do. I had simply jumped off a cliff with no parachute and I felt silly.

My father would lie to people as I stood next to him and tell them I was still a Business student. My mother would look away, smile her sad smile and sigh. Me? I became annoyed with society. It was then that I realized just how expectations can steal your joy if you let them.

I wasn’t doing what I was expected to do and so I was considered a failure.

I had to choose between going back and soldiering on, hating every moment, and getting through where I was now.

I couldn’t go back.

Things had already gotten bad, how much worse could it get?

A few months later I applied and got accepted to a school in SA. Everything looked good, My mother was happy for me and we were excited. Until my father, being the one with the finances needed to pay for my fees said “I’m not paying for her to do anything that doesn’t make sense” and walked away.

10 days before I was set to leave.

Again, I wondered if I’d made the right decision.

After a few more months of self loathing and doubt I was finally accepted to study Journalism here.

I can’t say I was happy, I try to avoid that, but I can tell you it felt right.

Were my parents pleased now?

No, not really.

Because Journalism wasn’t a “real course” and they wanted me to go back and try Business again.

What I learned from that is as  much as parents claim to have good intentions, a lot of them need to tell us outright “I will only be happy with your Life if it goes how I want it to.”

Now, when people ask me what I do with my Life I have a very proud “Nothing” ready. For the next month or so. Then I explain why and I get the “You’ll be starting first year again?” question like that’s the worse thing to ever happen to someone.

And I proudly say “Yes, doing a course I love.”

The sooner you decide what you need to do, the better.

A lot of people don’t even realize that in a few years, they’ll be miserable. They think they’re in a bad space now, but when you look back and see all the time you wasted and none of it was because you wanted to do it, you didn’t enjoy any of it, there’s a certain kind of sadness and shame that creeps in.

Realizing you had all that time and all you did was give it to someone else to live for and through you.

We tend to look at people who think about their lives before deciding to live as idiots. As if they’re wasting their time and they’re weak but what’s so strong about following a routine everyone else has?

Some people are content doing what they’re supposed to.

Others only know how to live how they want to.

But I get it though.

“The concept of school seemed so secure.” – Kanye West

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[An]other Woman: The Sidechick’s POV

“I don’t know why you do that, you deserve so much better.”

And I wonder what “better” is.

 

It occurred to me a while ago that some women aren’t meant to be The Wife. 

It’s not simply that we don’t WANT to be. Nor that we’re unable to be, it’s just..If we won’t do it? Who will?

Live as we please, that is. 

I’ve been a girlfriend. I’ve been committed, I’ve loved and I’ve cheated, and for a while now, I’ve known my place as the Sidechick.  I am not ashamed nor do I feel robbed, and this is something many around me don’t understand. 

“No one believes that a woman can be truly happy in something that is not a roses-delivered-to-your-office kind of relationship.” – Jessica Tholmer

I’ve been wondering whether it’s better to be the Sidechick or the happily naive girlfriend/wife. I haven’t come up with a conclusion yet but I can give my point of view and this is it.

I am content with the situation. 

I personally would rather know where everything stands rather than be happy in oblivion, and for a lot of people, that’s selling myself short. To a lot of people, I could easily be labelled a ho or a home wrecker or be dismissed as someone seeking attention in unsavory ways, but I assure you, I’m not.

I feel like his relationship has nothing to do with me. It’s that simple. She has nothing to do with me and I with her, we simply share a man, who in turn honestly only belongs to himself. His deceit is his own and the lies he tells her come from his mouth. What they share is theirs and the same applies for us.

 

If you met someone who understands you, and who you understood could not be tied down, could not be made into what YOU want them to be for you, what would you do? Actually, if you met someone who was just right, why would you want to make them into something they’re not? See, I wrote about this before, and nothing’s changed. 

You cannot own a human being. Nor can you really be angry when they deceive you because you wanted so desperately for them to be something for you that you dragged them into your own world and forced them to stay there. 

It sounds odd even as I type it. For a man should be free, and strong enough to express his desires and not walk into situations he doesn’t want, but maybe some people are pleasers, or appeasers, I don’t know his point of view.

 

“When did you know you were meant to be the Sidechick?” I asked myself a week ago.  The answer has only just come. When the lovers who understood me best always belonged to their own bland lovers.  Why? Because they were people who are scared of being lonely, and finding someone to attach to yourself, even if they bore you, was good enough for them in a way.

 

“Aren’t you ashamed?”

What is there to be ashamed of? Adults making selfish decisions happens all the time. We are all self centered. 

While discussing a married close relative’s lover with a friend he said “You should go sort her out..Or ask her not to go out with him. Ask her to go.” And I didn’t understand why. She is living her life and basking in the adoration of a married man. That doesn’t bother me. What bothers me is how said married man seems to have lost his mind and is so infatuated with her that he no longer looks after his own family. And that too, is not her fault.

“Better”

Is “better” a monogamous relationship because from what I’ve heard it seems to be. It seems to be being with someone who’s “your own” and I don’t know why it has to be that someone being “your own” means putting it out there for the world to see with labels and Facebook relationship statuses.

I think a lot of people miss out on affection becomes they assume they only have one soulmate.  That love only has to come from one place all the time and that’s the only Truth.

Me? I just have an issue with not giving affection how and when I want. I have an issue with being stifled.  I have an issue with being Someone’s Something and that meaning Nothing.  I have an issue with what’s simple to me and said lover being an issue to everyone else.

“He treats you like he just picked you cos you happened to be there.” 

Someone said that to me and I laughed and simply responded with a “Naaaah.” Because I’m learning that certain levels of intimacy don’t need to be explained, rather felt. 

I feel like who or what he does has nothing to do with me as long as he is happy. Because what’s the point in allowing someone their freedom and claiming to love them, if you won’t let them Be?

 

“I dunno..I just love people, who cares?” – SW

Make it Nasty: Sex And Violence

A hand squeezing tighter around her neck as she attempts to take shallower breaths.  She arches her back and feels the sting of a forming bruise on her backside. Nails dig into the back of her neck as teeth sink into her skin.  She’s roughly pushed further up and her legs shoved apart as the warm breath on her inner thigh signals a presence and as she breathes out “Wait, no..” and whimpers another set of teeth sink into her thigh and a hand reaches up to choke her again as another slaps her across the face. 

I wouldn’t be shocked  if that image turned you on.  Rough sex has become more and more appealing to us, leaking into everyday sex scenes and intimate moments on television and in books. The woman abruptly pushed up against a wall in an alley by her lover, roughly grabbed, then kissed.  Such images have made the majority of us crave that kind of raw passion, the lack of control that seems to accompany intense desire. And when you look at it like that, as merely passionate, it’s fine I guess.

But I’ve never really cared much for what’s going on on the surface.

At the height of my infatuation with being used, I felt I was losing control.  The bruises were darker and lasted longer, the bite marks would  draw blood, I’d get choked til I almost passed out and being hit didn’t bother me that much, in fact,  none of these things bothered me at all. I wanted to understand why.

Yes, I was into BDSM, sure, I liked rough sex, but why didn’t I have limits? Why wasn’t I scared to hurt myself by letting others take their frustrations out on me sexually?

On the surface I decided it could simply be Desire. I found it appealing, so I wanted it.

Underneath that, daddy issues. My father was a cold man and so I was intimate with men who could hurt me with my consent, thus creating a balance between their affection [sex] and rejection and pain.

Beneath that, society. When did we decide the abuse of women  is appealing? No, this has nothing to do with those who willingly walk into it and accept it, this is about those who are coaxed into believing it’s for any and every woman.

Two things happened last week that triggered this.

1) A lady on Twitter asked why we found violence appealing in the case of phone sex, or rather that was the example she used.  Things like “I want to destroy your pussy”, “I’m going to leave you a mess, unable to even move or speak”, “I wanna ravage your ass” are in actual fact, rather violent statements.  If you are so affectionate, why is it that you show it by seemingly “destroying” me? What, love is pain?

2)I came across a Tumblr post by a Lady who said she wanted to prove that we find women more appealing when bloodied and bruised, and dear God, I’m ashamed to say she was right.  She was pretty when she was plain, but her ragged picture afterwards was just so darn attractive. And that scared me.

There’s a certain yearning in the eyes of women who want to be hurt in any way possible.  Women who’ve accepted their reality as everyone else’s punching bag and have decided to roll with the punches, seek them out even.

We live in a society that’s saturated with images of violence and pain that it would be shocking if we hadn’t become desensitized to it and romanticized it.

It’s like Russian roulette every time you have that scarf around your throat, it could go either way and that’s part of the thrill. But do you know that?

Do you know that possibly, you aren’t satisfying your desires but being the cloth someone else leaves their frustrations on? And you helplessly yet willingly walk into these situations because it’s where you feel you need to be, what you need to have.

We’re led to believe we should want to be thrown about like rag dolls and we should think certain behaviours romantic but I call Bullshit.  I personally am extremely uncomfortable with it. Being pulled towards someone, having someone pin me up against a wall, anyone who I haven’t given prior consent doing things they think I’ll like .

Is it supposed to be non threatening because it’s someone that you know?  Because for me it’s all scary. Why would it be okay because it’s someone you have a platonic relationship with shoving you down and kissing you even though you didn’t want it? Because at least it wasn’t a stranger? It’s a stranger to your body,no?

The fact that we’ve romanticized being overpowered and imposed  this on people means many people don’t know where to draw the line between rapey behaviour and what they actually find sexy.

I’m saying we need to think sometimes about why we want certain things rather than just go with it. Especially if what you think you like constantly feels odd to you somehow.

Sometimes who/what we think we are is merely a product of our environment and not truly Us. And the sooner you know, the better.

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