A hand squeezing tighter around her neck as she attempts to take shallower breaths. She arches her back and feels the sting of a forming bruise on her backside. Nails dig into the back of her neck as teeth sink into her skin. She’s roughly pushed further up and her legs shoved apart as the warm breath on her inner thigh signals a presence and as she breathes out “Wait, no..” and whimpers another set of teeth sink into her thigh and a hand reaches up to choke her again as another slaps her across the face.
I wouldn’t be shocked if that image turned you on. Rough sex has become more and more appealing to us, leaking into everyday sex scenes and intimate moments on television and in books. The woman abruptly pushed up against a wall in an alley by her lover, roughly grabbed, then kissed. Such images have made the majority of us crave that kind of raw passion, the lack of control that seems to accompany intense desire. And when you look at it like that, as merely passionate, it’s fine I guess.
But I’ve never really cared much for what’s going on on the surface.
At the height of my infatuation with being used, I felt I was losing control. The bruises were darker and lasted longer, the bite marks would draw blood, I’d get choked til I almost passed out and being hit didn’t bother me that much, in fact, none of these things bothered me at all. I wanted to understand why.
Yes, I was into BDSM, sure, I liked rough sex, but why didn’t I have limits? Why wasn’t I scared to hurt myself by letting others take their frustrations out on me sexually?
On the surface I decided it could simply be Desire. I found it appealing, so I wanted it.
Underneath that, daddy issues. My father was a cold man and so I was intimate with men who could hurt me with my consent, thus creating a balance between their affection [sex] and rejection and pain.
Beneath that, society. When did we decide the abuse of women is appealing? No, this has nothing to do with those who willingly walk into it and accept it, this is about those who are coaxed into believing it’s for any and every woman.
Two things happened last week that triggered this.
1) A lady on Twitter asked why we found violence appealing in the case of phone sex, or rather that was the example she used. Things like “I want to destroy your pussy”, “I’m going to leave you a mess, unable to even move or speak”, “I wanna ravage your ass” are in actual fact, rather violent statements. If you are so affectionate, why is it that you show it by seemingly “destroying” me? What, love is pain?
2)I came across a Tumblr post by a Lady who said she wanted to prove that we find women more appealing when bloodied and bruised, and dear God, I’m ashamed to say she was right. She was pretty when she was plain, but her ragged picture afterwards was just so darn attractive. And that scared me.
There’s a certain yearning in the eyes of women who want to be hurt in any way possible. Women who’ve accepted their reality as everyone else’s punching bag and have decided to roll with the punches, seek them out even.
We live in a society that’s saturated with images of violence and pain that it would be shocking if we hadn’t become desensitized to it and romanticized it.
It’s like Russian roulette every time you have that scarf around your throat, it could go either way and that’s part of the thrill. But do you know that?
Do you know that possibly, you aren’t satisfying your desires but being the cloth someone else leaves their frustrations on? And you helplessly yet willingly walk into these situations because it’s where you feel you need to be, what you need to have.
We’re led to believe we should want to be thrown about like rag dolls and we should think certain behaviours romantic but I call Bullshit. I personally am extremely uncomfortable with it. Being pulled towards someone, having someone pin me up against a wall, anyone who I haven’t given prior consent doing things they think I’ll like .
Is it supposed to be non threatening because it’s someone that you know? Because for me it’s all scary. Why would it be okay because it’s someone you have a platonic relationship with shoving you down and kissing you even though you didn’t want it? Because at least it wasn’t a stranger? It’s a stranger to your body,no?
The fact that we’ve romanticized being overpowered and imposed this on people means many people don’t know where to draw the line between rapey behaviour and what they actually find sexy.
I’m saying we need to think sometimes about why we want certain things rather than just go with it. Especially if what you think you like constantly feels odd to you somehow.
Sometimes who/what we think we are is merely a product of our environment and not truly Us. And the sooner you know, the better.