[An]other Woman: The Sidechick’s POV

“I don’t know why you do that, you deserve so much better.”

And I wonder what “better” is.

 

It occurred to me a while ago that some women aren’t meant to be The Wife. 

It’s not simply that we don’t WANT to be. Nor that we’re unable to be, it’s just..If we won’t do it? Who will?

Live as we please, that is. 

I’ve been a girlfriend. I’ve been committed, I’ve loved and I’ve cheated, and for a while now, I’ve known my place as the Sidechick.  I am not ashamed nor do I feel robbed, and this is something many around me don’t understand. 

“No one believes that a woman can be truly happy in something that is not a roses-delivered-to-your-office kind of relationship.” – Jessica Tholmer

I’ve been wondering whether it’s better to be the Sidechick or the happily naive girlfriend/wife. I haven’t come up with a conclusion yet but I can give my point of view and this is it.

I am content with the situation. 

I personally would rather know where everything stands rather than be happy in oblivion, and for a lot of people, that’s selling myself short. To a lot of people, I could easily be labelled a ho or a home wrecker or be dismissed as someone seeking attention in unsavory ways, but I assure you, I’m not.

I feel like his relationship has nothing to do with me. It’s that simple. She has nothing to do with me and I with her, we simply share a man, who in turn honestly only belongs to himself. His deceit is his own and the lies he tells her come from his mouth. What they share is theirs and the same applies for us.

 

If you met someone who understands you, and who you understood could not be tied down, could not be made into what YOU want them to be for you, what would you do? Actually, if you met someone who was just right, why would you want to make them into something they’re not? See, I wrote about this before, and nothing’s changed. 

You cannot own a human being. Nor can you really be angry when they deceive you because you wanted so desperately for them to be something for you that you dragged them into your own world and forced them to stay there. 

It sounds odd even as I type it. For a man should be free, and strong enough to express his desires and not walk into situations he doesn’t want, but maybe some people are pleasers, or appeasers, I don’t know his point of view.

 

“When did you know you were meant to be the Sidechick?” I asked myself a week ago.  The answer has only just come. When the lovers who understood me best always belonged to their own bland lovers.  Why? Because they were people who are scared of being lonely, and finding someone to attach to yourself, even if they bore you, was good enough for them in a way.

 

“Aren’t you ashamed?”

What is there to be ashamed of? Adults making selfish decisions happens all the time. We are all self centered. 

While discussing a married close relative’s lover with a friend he said “You should go sort her out..Or ask her not to go out with him. Ask her to go.” And I didn’t understand why. She is living her life and basking in the adoration of a married man. That doesn’t bother me. What bothers me is how said married man seems to have lost his mind and is so infatuated with her that he no longer looks after his own family. And that too, is not her fault.

“Better”

Is “better” a monogamous relationship because from what I’ve heard it seems to be. It seems to be being with someone who’s “your own” and I don’t know why it has to be that someone being “your own” means putting it out there for the world to see with labels and Facebook relationship statuses.

I think a lot of people miss out on affection becomes they assume they only have one soulmate.  That love only has to come from one place all the time and that’s the only Truth.

Me? I just have an issue with not giving affection how and when I want. I have an issue with being stifled.  I have an issue with being Someone’s Something and that meaning Nothing.  I have an issue with what’s simple to me and said lover being an issue to everyone else.

“He treats you like he just picked you cos you happened to be there.” 

Someone said that to me and I laughed and simply responded with a “Naaaah.” Because I’m learning that certain levels of intimacy don’t need to be explained, rather felt. 

I feel like who or what he does has nothing to do with me as long as he is happy. Because what’s the point in allowing someone their freedom and claiming to love them, if you won’t let them Be?

 

“I dunno..I just love people, who cares?” – SW

4 comments

  1. As long as you’re happy with the situation, that’s all that matters. I played on that side of the fence and can tell you that you may want more from the relationship. Which can cause problems. Like you, I don’t believe in the soulmate thing. As far as the shame goes, I agree as well. Just do you.

    1. I used to, now I don’t. And I actually DO believe in soulmates, it’s just not everyone has one and if you’re lucky, you have more than one.

  2. I’ve been reading ‘The Art of Loving a Travelling Man’ every few weeks, in equal measures for it’s truth and literary beauty. I decided to go through your blog this morning and came across this, while trying to make sense of a relationship in which I moved from being the girlfriend (for some months) to being the sidechick (now for a month). It sounds like a twisted joke sometimes, but this person and I both know we could never be that husband/wife to one another, that it would be unfair for either of us to expect the other to sacrifice their life goals or even play down certain expectations of the sort each wants from a long term relationship. But even in knowing that, that it wouldn’t work in the conventional sense, our feelings for one another didn’t change. It’s strange trying to find a way to ‘validate’ these feelings, mine and his, when they aren’t neatly packaged, the way the world (and sometimes I) think they ”should be”.
    There are boundaries now that tend to irk me, how often we communicate etc, but our face-to-face interactions haven’t changed, but I struggle to accept that affection for what it is simply because I don’t have a title, or I am not the ‘sterring” :). And there is always the fear that since yours is not the primary relationship in his life, yours is the one that is disposable. But in reality, it’s like that within the monogomous ”commited” set up too. The same promises can be made and broken, we just attach more meaning to them when they’re presented in that more ‘acceptable’ fashion.

    But, thank-you. Please don’t stop sharing, and sharing with such eloquence.

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