“Life’s all about progression and transformation” I said as I passed the beer bottle over to a friend, wondering whether in this very moment, I was progressing. Which led me to wonder if one has to be progressing all the time, and if you weren’t, were you falling back?
If Life’s taught me anything, it’s that it goes hand in hand with Loss. Sometimes you push things out of your Life, and other times, they just go. Friends come and go, dreams come and go, thoughts come and go. I always marvel at how, despite the fact that we know change is the only constant in Life, we can’t seem to embrace it and go with it. We’re always looking for some sort of stability. We keep clothes that will never fit us, buy brands we’re used to, regardless of whether or not they do what they’re supposed to, and keep relationships that no longer do anything for us.
Eliminate things that no longer evolve you. — Erykah badu
I’ve been observing my relationships with people in my Life and wondering whether I truly need them there, trying to figure out if I need what they bring to the table. Birds of a feather flock together and as I observe some of them I realize, they simply don’t know how to Live, how to take responsibility for their lives, how to stand alone. How to exist as a lone being, and for me, that’s a necessity.
I believe in the importance of individuality, independence. You need to know how to be alone, how to think for yourself, how to grow on your own, what to take in and put out to keep growing. Stagnancy is a trap, it’s a cage you don’t even know you’re in sometimes. I know.
I’ve spent close to a year, maybe slightly more, at home, terrified of growing up. Of making any decisions, of living, because I was afraid I’d mess up. As each day passed, I seemed to find more and more reasons as to why I should simply wait to die. The possible shame of making a “wrong” life decision [which in this case, was about my academic life] weighed on me before I even bothered to CONSIDER what I’d do.
To many, that was a year wasted. I could’ve done so much in that time, right?
Gotten an online diploma maybe. Found a job. Hell, gotten married.
But no, none of that.
I cried, I read, I thought, and I repeated all of this. And to quote Anais Nin “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
I got sick of seeing my face in the morning with the same uncertain look. I spent hours upon hours arguing with myself about what We want to do, who we want to be, and eventually, I put myself together. Now, I appreciate all the uncertainty, all the time I felt I was wasting. I grew.
For many of us, it takes a lot before we can let go. We don’t know when to, nor how to. We don’t know when a situation has run it’s course and even when it begins to hurt, we tell ourselves it’s a test to see whether we’re truly committed. Sometimes, that’s simply Life showing you that it’s done now. Some things, I dare say, most things, aren’t worth fighting for, especially if you aren’t even sure you want them.
In Setswana, there’s a saying that goes “Se nkganang se nthola morwalo”, which basically means, whatever repels me only relieves me of a burden. Words to live by, don’t you think?
Most people will never be too ashamed to pass their burdens on to you. Nor to bring, or keep, you down. A lot of people wouldn’t care if your mental maturity never goes past this point. But you know, that’s them. It’s up to you to see to it that you become More. And that will be your responsibility to yourself for as long as you’re here.
Who are you? What do you want? Do the people in your Life want the same for you? Will they help you become who you want to be? Are they people you’d like to be like?
You need to ask yourself.