How To Hate Your Life And Die Miserable

Change is terrifying, add that to the List Of Things The Adults Never Taught Me.  It gets harder to accept the older you get because nobody wants to play guessing games with their life.  If at all one believes in Destiny, and possibly finds comfort in the idea, it still isn’t enough to believe what is meant to be will simply be. There’s always a possibility that one might be veering off course, and that’s what keeps most people up at night.

I’m certain of three things in Life:

1. I have a talent.

2. I’ll die alone.

3. Shit gets fucked easily.

Whether one believes in them or not, sometimes, we get signs in Life.  Signs to show us what we need to be doing, who we need to be. Guidance.

I tend to feel a lot of things are repetitive in my life.  Like I know what to do, I just lack the courage.  I fear both abandoning this Life to create a new one and staying in this Life and hating every moment. And so, with things like that, I tend to feel I go nowhere.

And time passes.

It’s easy to lose your Life to grey areas. To stagnancy. To hopes and fears. 

It’s easy to die unfulfilled, all you need to do is nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Spend your time thinking and not doing.

Watch opportunities pass because you don’t know why you should even bother trying.

Feel guilty because you didn’t take that one, and wallow, resulting in you missing the rest.

 

I know nothing of destinies, but I know the feeling you get when you walk out on what you know is right for you.  I know what it feels like to waste time because you’re scared.

I know what it feels like for the safe option to be the one that kills you inside.

And they say “better the Devil you know” but I really think that’s bullshit. At the same time, I don’t think I’m one to talk.

Like everyone else, I’m scared.

Scared I don’t deserve what I want.

Scared I won’t get it because I don’t deserve it and all the trying in the world won’t do shit.

Scared to die nameless. 

Scared to die nameless and alone. 

Scared to die nameless and alone having tried at both making a difference and love. 

Scared to die disappointed, possibly. 

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