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If we’re being honest: I want to be a half naked, hairy recluse

Like many of you, I feel cheated.

Deceived.

Robbed.

Bamboozled.

Misled.

 

When I was young I couldn’t wait to grow up.  When I was 8 I wanted to be 18 so I could finally change my name to Alicia [After Alicia Silverstone, I’d been watching Excess Baggage on repeat], bleach my skin and move to New York.  Where I was going to get the money wasn’t a problem, my father said we were rich [More disappointment would come in the future regarding this].  Becoming White wasn’t going to be an issue either, I was already light skinned. I could dye my hair blonde and get blue contact lenses.

In my young mind, it was all very plausible.

 

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But this is not a post about how The White Man influenced my self image, this is a post on the other lie I was fed: That you gain control of your Life when you get older.

I’m so disgusted, I’m hacked.

To think that I’ve waited all these years, only to have society continue to dictate to me what I should be and how I should act.

To think, I grew up for this.

1. I did not grow up to wear pants.

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I remind myself of this every time I look at the damn constrictors. I don’t like them.  Pants were created by The Man to keep us miserable. I also blame you society, for being unsafe, also hindering me from wearing an oversized t shirt to the tuckshop for a cigarette.

Can you imagine what a leisurely stroll that would be?

But no, I have to wear pants and ruin the whole thing.

2. I also did not grow up to shave. 

As I was engaging in this extreme sport [It really is, one wrong move and whoops! No clitoris] I wondered why.  Fine, at the end of the day, it really is my decision to, seeing as I am the only one who ever sees my Portal To Excellence anyway, but it got me thinking. Right now, we’re at a point in society where hair on a woman’s body is considered unfeminine.

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I consider the times when I let my pubes grow out my own internal rebellious act. A big “Fuck you!” to The Man.

In an ideal world though, I would let it grow out a bit longer, I won’t lie. And I know you might wanna pin this on me being lazy [TRUE!] But really, it’s a hassle.

I often wonder if the silky smooth [Yes, TV ads have brainwashed me] feeling I get is worth it.

 

3. I definitely did not grow up to have to interact with people.Image

I really did not.

When I was young I wanted to be famous. Not for the money, not really. But because I wanted two things:

1.To have people mourn me how I’ll mourn Oprah.

2. I wanted to be as far away from commoners as possible. And by commoners I mean most people who aren’t me.

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But NO!

You grow up and there’re family members you have to maintain relationships with, bosses [In my case, editors, but whatever] you have to constantly communicate with, new lovers, plenty of acquaintances, and just a shitload of human beings.

 

It is hell.

Sometimes I just turn off the network on my phone and  sit under a table because HUMANS, EVERYWHERE!

 

I feel so defeated.  Today, I have done things that go against who I want[ed] to be [circa 12 years old].

But I guess this makes me an adult, my ability to prosper [Kind of] in an environment that occasionally threatens to crush my [irrational] dreams.

 

*PS This post kind of has nothing to do with the fact that I recently watched The Hobbit 2.

I think.

 

 

It’s no secret that the world is a rather unsafe place for women.  We’re basically walking targets.  I’m reminded of this fact every time I log onto Twitter.  I swear that place is Rape Apologist Central.  Or Facebook, where people seem to find any and every reason to justify violence against women. These are the voices and opinions of members of society. People we walk past everyday.

Whether in our homes or on the street, in a bar or a mosque, in a bikini or a suit a woman needs to constantly be vigilant.

See somewhere along the way we were dehumanized to the point where our mistreatment became the norm. It’s unfortunate but while we work on making the majority of people realize that women are in fact an important part of society, to be respected and treated well, the fact remains, a lot of us find ourselves in uncomfortable and potentially dangerous situations.

Understand that we have the right to protect ourselves in a world that constantly makes us targets. 

Protect yourself, by any means necessary.

Below is a list of everyday objects you can use to defend yourself should you need to.

I hope it’s helpful.

1. Pepper spray.

But if you don’t have it, body spray/hair spray could be sprayed in the attacker’s eyes.

2. A Nail file

Could be used to stab said assailant.

3. Pens 

This everyday writing tool can become a deadly weapon for self-defense moves when thrust into the soft tissue of the throat, under the jaw line or the eyes.

4. Your bag

Could be used as a shield should the attacker try to stab you.  If you have enough heavy shit in there, swing it.

5. Stick like implements: umbrellas,brooms, golf clubs etc

Thrust these into sensitive areas or powerfully strike areas such as the knees,head and neck.

6. Objects with weight/mass

This includes bricks, heavy vases etc.  You can’t merely toss it and hope for the best though. Aim, target. The head is always a great place to strike.

7. If you have the time, for example in a home invasion/attack situation, stuff a pillowcase and use it. (And for you campers, a nice rock-in-a-sock is one of several self-defense weapons available in the woods.)

8. Nearby bottles/glasses/large cups.  

Again, go for the face/head.

9. In the kitchen

Pots and pans.

Plates can be smashed over the assailant’s head.  Knives, obviously. Hell, aim that hot sauce in the attacker’s eyes.

Use ANYTHING you can if you’re in danger.

Youtube has a lot of videos on Women’s Self Defense.  Watch them, they might come in handy some day, unfortunately.

 

It’s been written that usually, in the case of women, we find it hard to defend ourselves, even when we can because we never want to be the violent ones in situations. I say if this in fact the case, it needs to end.

It’s only right to protect yourself.

Do so.

20 Things To Do In The Dark

Or rather, 20 things I’ve done in the dark.  Because that’s all we’ve had lately: darkness and silence.

“But don’t you live in a fairly developed country?” You ask, dear Reader.

“Why?!” You wonder.

I don’t know, man.  We have theories and mum government officials.

So here’s something to do on those days when we have no electricity for hours.

Feel free to add suggestions in the comment section.

1. Wonder how long it’ll be out for.

2. Play cards until you either win enough times to think you can be a poker champion.  Or lose enough times to go back to 1.

3. Tweet your disappointment, like a commoner.

4. Tell your pets your life story.

5. Consider becoming a political activist.

6. Picture how your life would be as Jason Statham’s wife.

7. Make a list of all the things you’d have to give up to attain that position.

8. 1 again.

9. Think about how many bjs you’d have to give in order to make sure that power cuts never occur again. [We know that’s probably not the key but.. Who knows, maybe if you give one to the right person in power..]

10. Wonder where you’d be at the current moment in time, 100 years ago.  Hunting? Pounding yam? Being sold for half a goat and kola nut?

11. Wonder if you’re prepared for a zombie apocalypse.

12. Consider getting fit. [Half a sit up does’t cut it anymore.]

13. Wonder if you’re indirectly still the White man’s slave.

14. 1 and 9.

15. 5 and 9.

16. In the event of a zombie apocalypse, wonder if you’d eat your pets.

17. Realize you have no recipes to prepare said pets.

18. Read a book.

19. Masturbate under candlelight and pretend you actually feel like being romantic. On your own. With half a candle burning. And no battery life.

20. Visit Facebook.

*Yes, I know it got grim pretty fast.

But so did our “load shedding” situation.