Like many of you, I feel cheated.
When I was young I couldn’t wait to grow up. When I was 8 I wanted to be 18 so I could finally change my name to Alicia [After Alicia Silverstone, I’d been watching Excess Baggage on repeat], bleach my skin and move to New York. Where I was going to get the money wasn’t a problem, my father said we were rich [More disappointment would come in the future regarding this]. Becoming White wasn’t going to be an issue either, I was already light skinned. I could dye my hair blonde and get blue contact lenses.
In my young mind, it was all very plausible.
But this is not a post about how The White Man influenced my self image, this is a post on the other lie I was fed: That you gain control of your Life when you get older.
I’m so disgusted, I’m hacked.
To think that I’ve waited all these years, only to have society continue to dictate to me what I should be and how I should act.
To think, I grew up for this.
1. I did not grow up to wear pants.
I remind myself of this every time I look at the damn constrictors. I don’t like them. Pants were created by The Man to keep us miserable. I also blame you society, for being unsafe, also hindering me from wearing an oversized t shirt to the tuckshop for a cigarette.
Can you imagine what a leisurely stroll that would be?
But no, I have to wear pants and ruin the whole thing.
2. I also did not grow up to shave.
As I was engaging in this extreme sport [It really is, one wrong move and whoops! No clitoris] I wondered why. Fine, at the end of the day, it really is my decision to, seeing as I am the only one who ever sees my Portal To Excellence anyway, but it got me thinking. Right now, we’re at a point in society where hair on a woman’s body is considered unfeminine.
I consider the times when I let my pubes grow out my own internal rebellious act. A big “Fuck you!” to The Man.
In an ideal world though, I would let it grow out a bit longer, I won’t lie. And I know you might wanna pin this on me being lazy [TRUE!] But really, it’s a hassle.
I often wonder if the silky smooth [Yes, TV ads have brainwashed me] feeling I get is worth it.
3. I definitely did not grow up to have to interact with people.
I really did not.
When I was young I wanted to be famous. Not for the money, not really. But because I wanted two things:
1.To have people mourn me how I’ll mourn Oprah.
2. I wanted to be as far away from commoners as possible. And by commoners I mean most people who aren’t me.
You grow up and there’re family members you have to maintain relationships with, bosses [In my case, editors, but whatever] you have to constantly communicate with, new lovers, plenty of acquaintances, and just a shitload of human beings.
It is hell.
Sometimes I just turn off the network on my phone and sit under a table because HUMANS, EVERYWHERE!
I feel so defeated. Today, I have done things that go against who I want[ed] to be [circa 12 years old].
But I guess this makes me an adult, my ability to prosper [Kind of] in an environment that occasionally threatens to crush my [irrational] dreams.
*PS This post kind of has nothing to do with the fact that I recently watched The Hobbit 2.