attraction

The Help: Sex with the Maid

Today while dropping a friend’s nephews off at home, I met their maid. A simple woman,really. Bald, dark skinned, she was in a torn t-shirt and track pants. No one worth remembering. Or at least I thought so until she picked up the toddler and turned around to walk into the house. 

 

My first thought at seeing her behind was “Fuck. Hey! How does the husband of this household function?!” after which I reminded myself that not all men cheat, while still staring at her butt in disbelief and slight admiration. I watched her walk away and kind of understood why a man may get the desire to sleep with the maid.

On the other hand, I realized, not all men who sleep with the Help could sock it down to simple Lust.

Society usually blames the woman for her husband’s cheating. There’s always something she’s lacking that made the husband stray.

You could be the breadwinner, cooking everyday, bathing the kids, washing the dishes, paying school fees, sweating wine and feeding him chocolate from your cleavage, and when that man cheats, society will look at you and say “Sure, whatever, she did all that. But she didn’t help him put on his shoes that morning. It was her fault. She should be ashamed. What did all that hard work get her anyway? She should have known her place.”

And that’s what those deep in The Patriarchy think.

A woman’s place is in the kitchen and if not there, wherever her husband wants her to be. 

If you aren’t there, you probably deserve to be treated badly because you’re a disobedient slag. 

Working class women often get the worst of it, it seems. 

In a society that is still mostly misogynistic and patriarchal, the woman who steps out of the kitchen/bedroom and decides to be more than Somebody’s Something is a sell-out. To other women, women who don’t share her views/drive, she thinks she’s better than them. How dare she? Who does she think she is? Is she saying that THEY are slaves? Stupid? Fuck her.

 

And so when Working Woman’s husband strays, maybe even leaves her for the maid, in their eyes, she deserved it because she wasn’t “playing her role”.

I began to wonder, assuming, as a working class woman, you marry a man who appreciates the path you’ve chosen, and you end up with a rather hectic workload, is it possible for the man that you settled with, no matter how open minded he may have been in the beginning, to cheat with the maid, and if so, why?

Simple Attraction

We begin to get accustomed to those we spend time with. We expect our partners to not fraternize with the Help because they’re employees and should be treated as such. But frankly speaking, it’s quite possible for the two to develop feelings for one another, whether lustful or otherwise. And in such a situation, you, as the woman of the household, have nothing to do with that. It’s easy to assume it wouldn’t have happened if you’d spent every waking moment with your partner. But who knows?

 

Basic desire/appreciation for people who take care of us

We grow fond of people who make us comfortable. Many men, with a patriarchal mindset or otherwise, might gravitate towards the maid simply because they feel cared for by her. 

Power

On the other hand, assuming these don’t apply, we get what seems to be the typical scenario. It’s a power thing. This man has a servile woman at his beck and call who gets paid to attend to him and he may not know or care that there are lines in that relationship/situation. He’s attracted to the maid not because of her person, but simply because he has power over her and in his eyes, can control her. 

Some maids are receptive but more often than not, they aren’t and they end up getting raped and remaining silent. Or adding Sex With The Sir to their list of chores to receive just a bit more at month end. 

 

Your Maid’s a Vixen

Or, you were unlucky and hired a vixen. One who made it a point to know your husband’s underwear size and schedule before she knew where the washing machine was.  And in such a situation, I can only hope you have an honest husband who’ll tell you what’s happening and not one who views the situation and sees an opportunity to make his porn fantasies come true.

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Adieu.

Hide and don’t Peep

Growing up I always thought respectable women were supposed to be undesirable.  They were  the ones who reminded you of your mother’s strength and determination, your Sunday School teacher’s chaste nature, your grandmother’s wisdom, so finding them attractive would really honestly just be creepy.

I didn’t fully realize I still thought this way until I saw a picture of Lauryn Hill that slightly aroused me. I was confused. Would I do Lauryn Hill? I’d like to think not. But why? And my first response was “Because I respect her.”  I sat and thought “This is some bullshit.”

See one thing you need to know about me in order to understand this is, when I think, I seem to have a slight case of split personality disorder.  We argue, we exchange different opinions and whoever wins, does.

So I had to have a little counselling session with myself to figure out why, as a person who thinks they’re fairly progressive, I still have these thoughts stuck in the crevices of my mind.

I realized I hadn’t covered all bases when it came to unlearning what I’ve been taught about women’s sexuality and their freedom to make choices and live as they please. I had to ask myself, “What bullshit it this? It needs to go. You have sex, does that make you any less respectable? You know it doesn’t, so forget this mess.”

I was ashamed. Confused too. I understood that this was as a result of what I’d been raised to believe, that women who enjoy sex/the company of men don’t deserve any form of respect, nor could they possibly be intelligent because all intelligent women were chaste and had better things to do.

I won’t lie, it’s something I’m still working on internally.  I didn’t think it would be this difficult but sometimes I slip up and have to remind myself that it’s the wrong way to think, and that I know better.  We’re a few months into the struggle.

While passing a group of Muslim women I told my friend how I find women in Niqabs and Burqas beautiful, which may be odd since you can’t really see their features, but I still feel that way.  He said “Of course you do, you wanna know what’s under there, it’s the mystery.” And I had to explain to him that it really had nothing to do with that.  I’m attracted to them as I’m attracted to women clad in modern day clothing : jeans, miniskirts etc.  Their attire, if at all it plays any part in it, has next to nothing to do with how I view them.  It could be her eyes, her walk, the way she sits, really, it’s her presence.  As it could be for any other girl on the street.

Of course many people are of the mind that these women are attractive BECAUSE they cover up and that makes them “different” and there’s a certain thrill associated with tainting the “purity” associated with them. Simply, they are fetishized, and a lot of people seem to not see anything wrong with it.

On that topic, I feel we should see beauty where it is simply because it’s there. Not because we want to conquer new territory or “try something different”.  Being fetishized has to be one of the most painful things actually because you’re in a sense dehumanized.  It’s not about you, as a person, it’s about that tiny part of you that someone chooses to fixate on, and you then lose your identity and become just that.

But of course this will possibly fall on deaf ears. It’s a process to locate and uproot the foundation of the wrong thoughts that you have.

For many of us lately it’s hard to realize that human beings are so much more than bodies.  That we have the capacity to be both sexual and spiritual, focused and open minded. That we aren’t boxed in by labels until we choose to be and create our Selves around them.

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