BDSM

Novacane

“I no longer need you to fuck me as hard as I hated myself.” – Buddy Wakefield

I remembered this as I lay underneath someone recently, my body being dragged and used any which way. And I felt old and worn down by the whole thing.

I used to adore rough,aggressive sex. I would like to believe I still do and that time, it just wasn’t done right, or it wasn’t with the right person, or I wasn’t in the right mood.

Something.

Something simply wasn’t right.

The next morning, the bruises that I used to look at with pride were an annoyance. As were the bite marks and any sign, really, that the act had occurred.

I realized, there’s an art to rough sex.

You can feel the difference between a lover who ravages you, while still being mindful and making sure that you’re both satisfied and comfortable, and one who simply wants to use you like a rag doll.

And possibly, when I first realized that I was a sub, before I knew what I know now, I let some lovers release their frustrations and use me as a stress ball because I felt that was how affection and appreciation was shown. Maybe because I thought one could FIND affection in the one who brings them peace, whatever the reason, I can no longer recall it and so see no reason to let it continue.

My views on sexual performance are pretty simple:

If I’m getting naked for you, appreciate it and treat my body well. 

If you get naked for me, I appreciate it and will treat your body well.

Experience has taught me that we don’t all view it the same way.  Possibly due to the fact that sex is so easily attainable and people seem to value exclusivity, most feel no need to make it a memorable experience for their partner, even if it’s just for one night.

Sex is usually really a trial run for me anyway, but even during that trial run, one gives their all. I don’t believe in the “It’s only once so it doesn’t REALLY have to be good” excuse.

If you want to be bad in bed, go fuck yourself.

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And Still I Rise: The Queer Version

After reading this.

And a heated Twitter rant here.

Came the following:

And Still I Rise: The Queer Version

You may write me down in history

With your bitter, twisted lies,

You may trod me in the very dirt

But still, like sluts, I fuck.

Does my sassiness upset you?

Why are you beset with gloom?

‘Cause I walk like I’ve got Beyonce chilling in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,

With the certainty of tides,

Just like Rihanna gets high,

Still I’ll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?

Bowed head and lowered eyes?

Shoulders falling down like teardrops, Weakened by my soulful cries?

Are you into BDSM?

Does my haughtiness offend you?

Are you seeking a sub?

Don’t you take it awful hard,

‘Cause I laugh like I’ve got Gaga sashaying in my own backyard.

You may shoot me with your words,

You may cut me with your eyes,

You may kill me with your hatefulness,

You may try to read me,

But still, like Lindsay Lohan, I’ll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?

Does it come as a surprise

That I dance like I’ve got the fountain of Youth at the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history’s shame

I rise Up from a past that’s rooted in pain

I rise I’m a vast ocean, leaping and wide, Welling and swelling

Leyomi dropping and sashaying,

I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear I rise

Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear I rise

So don’t be a bitch, dear

Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave, I am the dream and the hope of the closeted and queer.

I rise

I rise

I rise

 queer

I’m disappointed.

I’m ashamed.

And I can’t say I’m shocked but sometimes, I still marvel at society’s ignorance.

This is one of those times.

Make it Nasty: Sex And Violence

A hand squeezing tighter around her neck as she attempts to take shallower breaths.  She arches her back and feels the sting of a forming bruise on her backside. Nails dig into the back of her neck as teeth sink into her skin.  She’s roughly pushed further up and her legs shoved apart as the warm breath on her inner thigh signals a presence and as she breathes out “Wait, no..” and whimpers another set of teeth sink into her thigh and a hand reaches up to choke her again as another slaps her across the face. 

I wouldn’t be shocked  if that image turned you on.  Rough sex has become more and more appealing to us, leaking into everyday sex scenes and intimate moments on television and in books. The woman abruptly pushed up against a wall in an alley by her lover, roughly grabbed, then kissed.  Such images have made the majority of us crave that kind of raw passion, the lack of control that seems to accompany intense desire. And when you look at it like that, as merely passionate, it’s fine I guess.

But I’ve never really cared much for what’s going on on the surface.

At the height of my infatuation with being used, I felt I was losing control.  The bruises were darker and lasted longer, the bite marks would  draw blood, I’d get choked til I almost passed out and being hit didn’t bother me that much, in fact,  none of these things bothered me at all. I wanted to understand why.

Yes, I was into BDSM, sure, I liked rough sex, but why didn’t I have limits? Why wasn’t I scared to hurt myself by letting others take their frustrations out on me sexually?

On the surface I decided it could simply be Desire. I found it appealing, so I wanted it.

Underneath that, daddy issues. My father was a cold man and so I was intimate with men who could hurt me with my consent, thus creating a balance between their affection [sex] and rejection and pain.

Beneath that, society. When did we decide the abuse of women  is appealing? No, this has nothing to do with those who willingly walk into it and accept it, this is about those who are coaxed into believing it’s for any and every woman.

Two things happened last week that triggered this.

1) A lady on Twitter asked why we found violence appealing in the case of phone sex, or rather that was the example she used.  Things like “I want to destroy your pussy”, “I’m going to leave you a mess, unable to even move or speak”, “I wanna ravage your ass” are in actual fact, rather violent statements.  If you are so affectionate, why is it that you show it by seemingly “destroying” me? What, love is pain?

2)I came across a Tumblr post by a Lady who said she wanted to prove that we find women more appealing when bloodied and bruised, and dear God, I’m ashamed to say she was right.  She was pretty when she was plain, but her ragged picture afterwards was just so darn attractive. And that scared me.

There’s a certain yearning in the eyes of women who want to be hurt in any way possible.  Women who’ve accepted their reality as everyone else’s punching bag and have decided to roll with the punches, seek them out even.

We live in a society that’s saturated with images of violence and pain that it would be shocking if we hadn’t become desensitized to it and romanticized it.

It’s like Russian roulette every time you have that scarf around your throat, it could go either way and that’s part of the thrill. But do you know that?

Do you know that possibly, you aren’t satisfying your desires but being the cloth someone else leaves their frustrations on? And you helplessly yet willingly walk into these situations because it’s where you feel you need to be, what you need to have.

We’re led to believe we should want to be thrown about like rag dolls and we should think certain behaviours romantic but I call Bullshit.  I personally am extremely uncomfortable with it. Being pulled towards someone, having someone pin me up against a wall, anyone who I haven’t given prior consent doing things they think I’ll like .

Is it supposed to be non threatening because it’s someone that you know?  Because for me it’s all scary. Why would it be okay because it’s someone you have a platonic relationship with shoving you down and kissing you even though you didn’t want it? Because at least it wasn’t a stranger? It’s a stranger to your body,no?

The fact that we’ve romanticized being overpowered and imposed  this on people means many people don’t know where to draw the line between rapey behaviour and what they actually find sexy.

I’m saying we need to think sometimes about why we want certain things rather than just go with it. Especially if what you think you like constantly feels odd to you somehow.

Sometimes who/what we think we are is merely a product of our environment and not truly Us. And the sooner you know, the better.

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Who’s your Daddy?

What’s in a good Dom?

I’ve been asking myself lately and it seems I just got the bare essentials down.

  • Respectful
  • Assertive
  • Understanding
  • Open minded
  • Trustworthy

Everything for me really comes after or under these. 

Now I’ll admit I’m fairly new to D/s relationships.  Had we discussed this months ago the answer to “What makes a good Dom?” probably would have been “The ability to use your body to his satisfaction and push your sexual limits without ever being inconsiderate/disrespectful in the process” and as much as that may be true for the sexual aspect of things, I’ve learned it isn’t limited to that, as is a common misconception.

When one mentions that they’re submissive, people usually assume that it means s/he is into relationships where they can be used and abused.  That they enjoy being degraded and made to feel “less than”. As much as this is true for people unfamiliar with the lifestyle, I’ve discovered many potential Doms think this way too lately.  They don’t care to learn about You, your preferences, your limits, your character, to a lot of them, you’re merely someone to sexually dominate, a nymphomaniac acquiescent to his whims. 

 

And this is okay if one so wishes for it to be so, but really, not every man who can tell you what to do and express himself is Dominant.  Some only receive the title because we make the mistake of allowing ourselves to be deceived by the illusion and give them the title.

The best thing you can do as a sub is find an intelligent Dom.  Really, after a while, the “I want you”s and “You’re such a dirty sluts” become boring.  A man who’s able to express himself well and understands the importance and power of words will always keep you interested.  Plus a well read man can teach you plenty. 

As a sub you give yourself to someone and trust them to better you and help you better yourself.  This is something worth remembering.

Dominating is not about [just] using force.  If the only way he can get you to do things is by being in your presence and intimidating you with his, I don’t think he’s doing it right.  I’ve found it’s a combination of genuinely wanting to please your Sir and his ability to influence you verbally, especially in the case of long distance relationships.  You can always tell when a man is naturally dominant because of his ability to easily lead you to submit, it’s in his nature.  A command from him sounds different, his body language too, it’s the look in eye of certainty. Unmistakable.

Doms who make you dread  being intimate with them may possibly be abusive.  If you can’t open up to him because he makes you feel like a sissy or you dread lovemaking because he seems to completely disregard your comfort levels and safety, it would be best to leave. As I said, some men just want a sex slave and will take advantage of a sub simply for their own pleasure.

If your partner at any point makes you feel inadequate for having limits, he probably doesn’t respect you and as you know, respect is integral in such a set-up.  One who doesn’t appreciate you will never be good for you, this is key to remember as a new sub.  A lot of people might want to use your inexperience to their advantage and cheat, abuse and put you in dangerous situations and state that you just don’t understand how it all works.

 Your Dom should be the one person you feel safest with.  The intimacy shared, I’ve found, transcends that of an average boyfriend/girlfriend relationship because you bare yourself to them. You trust them to have your best interests at heart, more so than in an average relationship and if at any point you find your safety/peace may be compromised, it’s probably time to go.

Many men  prey on emotionally vulnerable women, convince them they’re submissive and use them.  I think a sub is much more vulnerable to meeting douchebags than the average woman.  Many assume we’re weak, so they patronize. Others, assuming the same thing, think they can easily walk into your life and immediately start bossing you around.  You meet those who will try their first attempt at choking on you and not realize that he needs to be attentive to your body too. Those quick to tie you up but with no patience to learn how. Those who don’t understand that you are not weak, but nor will you be strong all the time. 

Submissives are not unable to take care of themselves. No, we aren’t all messes who need a partner to tell us how to live. The fact that we’re perceived to be and portrayed as helpless is not only offensive, it probably keeps many from admitting that they are because of the shame associated with being considered one.  

We choose to give ourselves in such a way because it’s what feels right to us. I personally desire a level of intimacy that transcends what my peers are accustomed to. I want to know that my partner knows me, cares for and understands me and can stand on the days when I’m crawling.  

My Sir taught me the importance of friendship and understanding, and as his sub I was grateful for every single lesson. He set a very high standard  for the next one and I only wish that everyone could at least have had one such partner, it would save a lot of people from heartache and help others understand that no, it’s not just about spending time on your knees and being dragged around. 

Calling someone Daddy/Sir/Master is not to be taken lightly. You are giving parts of yourself, the most important bits, to someone and as romantic as it may sound, we live in a world where most people destroy rather than create. 

The kind of appreciation partners in a D/s relationship show for one another may be  foreign in this day and age.  It’s easier to assume that a sub is simply weak and worshiping the first Alpha that comes along, but I assure you there’s a certain strength that’s required to open up to someone as we do. A very real and beautiful strength coupled with honest vulnerability. 

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How Hard 2: The Seduction Of Submission

Some women feel the need to provide for the men in their lives.
To cater to his every need and ensure his content, joy.. To please.
I have always been this kind of woman.

If you are the man I consider special,the one I value and hold  in high esteem, I will always see to it that you’re satisfied in every way and I will seek to fulfill all your desires. I do whatever is in my realm of capabilities to make sure you are happy.
It’s how I’ve always been in relationships and it is how I think I will always be.

When it comes to my interactions with the men I’m with, I am rather traditional. I believe the man I’m with should be a pillar of strength. A provider. My safe place, my stability, my joy and my comfort. If he is all of this to me,  I’ll be all I am for him. I’ll be his.

Submission was a foreign concept to me, as BDSM was at some point. Honestly, a part of me felt I was a tad bit backward for feeling the need to provide for and belong to a man as I did.

While doing research for an article I was working on about the BDSM world and the  misconceptions people have of it, I stumbled upon accounts and diary entries of submissives. While reading them I realized, this was the kind of Woman I was drawn to being.

Submission had been a threatening idea because I felt I’d be relinquishing my rights to myself. Was I selling out? Would I be his slave? Why did I feel the need to be in such a set up? There were more questions than answers and the only answer that kept coming up was “It just IS what I want. It’s what feels right.”

I thought about it, kept on reading and came to the conclusion that in actual fact, this was another step to discovering who I am as a lover, partner and a woman.

There was no shame in the fact that I wanted to be owned by my partner. Therein lay my comfort. Knowing that there was someone who could be strong for you, who knew you in ways none other did and who you trusted enough to give all of yourself to.

I understand why some people think submissive women are weak. I used to. But,this is the life we feel comfortable living.

The relationship between a Dom [Dominant] and his sub [submissive] is not one that could be easily explained to an outsider. The level of intimacy shared is one I honestly think most relationships lack. You trust someone with all of you and trust them to have your best interests at hearts, without fail.

Thankfully while I was learning and accepting this side of myself I had a partner who was understanding and accepting. He was open to this and had his fair share of kinks and pleasures he liked to indulge [in].

He became my Sir. It wasn’t awkward. It wasnt forced.  We already had such a relationship to begin with but discussing it made it easier for both of us and our relationship [and sex life]  became better because of it.

When it comes to BDSM sex and being a sub, honey, the pleasures are both thrilling and occasionally terrifying. The right Dom will
push you out of your comfort zone and push into you in ways no other will be able to top. For me, its been one long enlightening and enriching experience.

Provided your Dom treats you as the Queen you are,[as some people will pretend to be such only to prey on and use females] as his sub, even if the relationship ends, there will always be a level of intimacy, a bond.

Your Dom/Sir/Master will know you in ways no other person will,and that’s one thing I appreciate and probably eternally will. The trust, the intimacy, knowing you have someone who really knows you.

Submission however, is kept for those who understand it, and who I can see a future with. So far, there’s only been one such man. And to this day those around me still don’t understand how we work.

Its been a rough,bumpy ride [the only kind I prefer really] but I can honestly say I know what kind of Lady/Freak I am. And you,love?
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