Minute Men

“Women lie. Men lie. Numbers don’t lie.” This may have been thought up with Business in mind but if experience has taught me anything, it’s that the same rule applies when it comes to sex.

We lie. Whether it’s about penis measurements, cup sizes or how long we can last in the sack, we lie.

I understand. You don’t want to seem inadequate. You want her to think you’re the best package there is out there, make her want, need, to be with you, to have you just once, so you add a bit here,omit a bit there and Voila, she’s down to fuck. Like a Peacock you fluff out your feathers and prance about like you’re the biggest cock there is, [Pun intended], giving her sleepless nights as she spends hours experiencing every move she hopes you’ll deliver, in her head. You’re her Mandingo,her James Deen,her Prince Charming from the Nasty side of the tracks.

And then the time comes. You get her slightly tipsy,hoping this will shield the blow that you’re about to deliver, or rather attempt to, and fail at. There’s kissing, there’s groping, breathless moans and tugging at clothes, you SHOULD be turned on, and maybe you are, but nothing stirs, and all too familiar feeling that doesn’t get any easier to handle. Her hands on you do nothing,and you kind of forgot to mention that you really aren’t THAT well endowed actually. You’re just an average guy. The guilt, mixed with the anger at the constant disappointment Little Man shoves your way and the desire that won’t show become all too much and as you try to push it all aside, she discovers your naked secret.
Her face registers a mixture of shock and disappointment that you’ve seen enough times that you’d catch it from a Mile away, flashing for a nano second. The fact that It’s flaccid doesn’t help. And then you start fumbling through an excuse about how this doesn’t happen all the time and you’re probably just too drunk and you’re Sorry. She could try and get it up if she wants to, or you could postpone..The same old routine.

Some men are Minute Men,and some men just can’t maintain an erection. They don’t speak about it. They probably can’t even admit it to themselves, but that’s how things are. This is not a once every six months Whiskey Dick situation.  He cannot get it up,and Ladies, if you find yourself in such a situation, there really is one way I prefer to diffuse the awkwardness. Be compassionate.

It’s quite easy to be an asshole in such a situation. You haven’t had your orgasm yet, it doesn’t seem like you will. He was dishonest, he led you on. You go from shocked, to angry. But I tend to look at it this way, yes, he may have lied, but Sex is one of those we all wanna be good at. You would lie too.

Given the situation,if you had issues with getting aroused and ready, I doubt you would be willing to put that out there. Denial would be your best Defense. Try and be understanding, and leave the rest for later.

Now I’ve come to find of the men who have this issue,there are two kinds: The Angry Macho types, and the Soft, understanding ones.

The angry,macho types are mad at their penises. How dare it not represent him to his satisfaction? He is a Man. He should be getting ass. He deserves it. How dare it? Also, his guilt and self consciousness kick in and he gets angry at all the other men out there. Thrusting to their hearts content. He cannot believe that it’s him. It can’t be. It’s probably you. Yes, every female he meets sucks. And then he might muster enough of an erection to thrust thrice into you,subsequently relieving his anger and all that he felt, and convincing himself he showed you who’s actually Boss.

The soft understanding ones know how things are,have accepted it,and are saddened by the situation. He feels as if he’s not man enough to deliver. His sex life is shrouded in Shame and therefore, he cannot enjoy it. He bares himself to females, hopeful and careful. He would like to please you, but he can’t, so he lets go of things and hopes. For it to go away,for someone to understand,for SOMETHING to happen that’ll make it all better.

I’ve encountered both types of men and will state this. He who seeks understanding will get it. Those who insist on crushing you with their rib cage for about the same amount of time as an interlude lasts, then act like you ain’t shit, get no love.

As someone who has a few sexual insecurities herself I understand the importance of sex being an enriching experience. It’s scary enough baring your Self to someone, baring yourself to someone and having it be a complete disaster is some BS.

So on the matter of Minute Men,I say we try. Communication goes a long way. One might just be nervous, or have issues of inadequacy. Often times you’ll find talking about why things are that they are will get someone to loosen up around you, trust you, and try harder to give.

I figure a bit of time spent cultivating a relationship,[even if it’s one that’ll bloom for a short while and then die],building trust and intimacy,thus leading to better sex,is worth it.

People WILL lie. But as long as we understand Why,we’re free to make the most out of situations despite how things began. Hey,all men can’t be [Insert Favourite Male porn star here] and we can’t all be Jada Fire or Skin Diamond or Rihanna. We don’t always ooze Sex Appeal and shit either ladies. So if we want to experience the Beauty that comes with sex,after the lies and and the self consciousness,we work on it. It’s simple as that. You don’t have to marry him, you don’t even have to see him again, but the whole idea is to make every sexual experience as awesome as possible.

So screw it,the next time you’re faced with a not so enthusiastic member, rather think of it as an opportunity to play and discover new things. Your one minute man who’s been nervous and a tad bit ashamed could end up giving you the best bedding of your life.

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Stop being an Asshole

I detest being told how to feel, on anything.

I’m the kind of person to cry in the middle of the mall if I feel like it, or laugh like a carefree loose woman during a church service.

At any point in time, I am deep within my Self and feeling all of it.

I recently went through [Am currently going through] some shit and what I realized was people try their hardest to stifle their emotions and expect you to do the same.

“Don’t cry…Deal with it..It’ll pass..You should forgive yourself for this..” 

I’ve decided to detest all who’ve said these words to me.

I don’t believe people should comment on experiences they don’t understand. You don’t have shit to say.

When a woman loses her child, regardless of whether she knew she was expecting it or not, you have no right to tell her to “Just get over it and keep moving..It’ll pass.” Fuck you.

In fact, any traumatic experience should not be met with indifference.

I understand if people are uncomfortable with dealing with other people’s feelings. I do.  Personally when people cry in front of me or breakdown, it makes me extremely uncomfortable, but I would never stop them from doing it because of how I feel. It’s not my time. 

When someone attempts suicide and survives, the last thing they wanna hear is “You shouldn’t have done that..You’ll be fine. Why don’t you talk to us about it?” Do you understand that this person was on the brink of ending their lives? They went that far because they were fairly sure of it. Do you understand what it’s like to reach a point where nothing matters? Not even those you care about? And now you want them to “discuss” it? For them to bond with you? How do you expect them to verbalize it?  Suicide is not something  you decide on over night. It’s taken someone a while to get to that point and you think because YOU now noticed that there’s an issue things’ll change? Fuck you.

Nobody’s asking for sympathy. If it was desired, that would be stated. 

I’m saying : Stop being an asshole.

If you do not understand someone’s struggle and are unable to sympathize, say nothing.  Your 2 cents is worthless to someone in pain.

Your opinion on how things SHOULD be doesn’t mean shit.

People are hurting.  In ways that you couldn’t fathom.

Why must they deal with their pain AND your insensitivity coupled with your stupidity?


“I’m Every Woman..”

For some unknown reason, people expect others to carry their Race, Sex and Age group on their backs. As much as we spew out cliche crap like “Everyone is different” and “Be your own person”, we meet people and either expect them to conform to stereotypes and misconceptions we personally have, or not.

While hanging out with a friend, a man who’d been trying to court me for a while happened to pass by and decided to chill with us. It wasn’t awkward, conversation flowed, things were calm, going well.

Then someone brought up the issue of Ex’s. I joked that out of all of us, I probably always pick the worst ones. Lord, I wasn’t ready for what came next. This man got mad. I swear you would’ve thought the comment was somehow directed at him. 

“What is it with you bitches? [What?] I mean..no, not you..but..Women. Y’all..You don’t know what you want..You say you want a nice guy, then you get him, then YOU start changing and WE’RE the bad guys. Fuck that. No. Your ex’s can’t possibly be bad people,maybe you’re the one with the problem. Maybe YOU fuck them up. But you women think you’re perfect so nothing is ever your fault akere?”

Insert awkward silence as my friend and I stared at one another, confused and slightly amused. I had to wonder, is this what women sound like when we go on our “Men ain’t shit” rants? Cos it was pathetic as hell.

I asked “Who hurt you boo?” And he clammed up. “No one..I’m just saying.” Now, I don’t like people’s unnecessary feelings, I’m not gonna sit there and have you channel your feelings for your ex and spew your BS onto me, I don’t know her. I don’t know what’s up. So I explained.. “Look, evidently you have issues, and that’s cool, that’s your shit, so keep it as such. We don’t know who ever did whatever they did to you and it’s dumb for you to generalize, just as you wouldn’t have me saying “All men are shit. They lie and cheat and are all secretly psychotic.” It would be annoying as fuck and you wouldn’t be trying to hear that. So please, spare us your heartbreak.” He looked a tad bit embarrassed and then,relaxed..conversation continued and we steered clear of the Relationships topic. 

An hour or so later his friend rocks up. He also happens to be friends with one of my ex’s and evidently no one had told him things between his friend and I hadn’t ended well because he asks me how he is. I reply “Fuck that nigga hey” and laugh. Lord, again. “Why would you say that? He’s my boy. I thought you guys were happy together. What is it with you girls?One minute you love a guy, the next it’s fuck him…” and his rant continued, with the other guy throwing in his 2 cents about how females are two faced and…Zzzzzzz. I zoned out. After a few minutes of this I look at my friend and she’s obviously over the whole thing so we part ways with the guys, evidently they have heartbreak to discuss.

As we’re walking away I think..Generalizing about the opposite sex and trashing their behaviour when it came to relationship issues used to be considered a female trait. “Bitches are always bitching” as I overheard someone say once. How is it that we got to a point that WE are now the ones taking things in stride and men are coming apart at the seams?

This was a while ago. I’ve met more men since then who put this nonsense on me and to them I’ll say this : Listen, shut up. We don’t care. If you want sympathy, tell your story, fine. But you’ll get no love from any female if your approach is “Fuck y’all, you’re all the same.” We are not each other. Remember that and  go cry it out.

I personally believe one shouldn’t talk about their issues with others unless they’ve already dealt with them themselves. It leaves you vulnerable, exposed to opinions and suggestions that might do more harm than good and there’s a good chance you’ll become dependent on people to help fix everything. 

So if at all you have any issues with the opposite sex remember this [And this goes for both men and women] : People did that to you. Specific people. Not their whole gender/race/church group or whatever. Individuals. Nobody wants to hear that ‘You’re all the same” crap. It makes you sound immature, butthurt and pathetic. Do you want to be immature? Butthurt and pathetic? If so, go ‘head with yo bad self. But go do it far away from the rest of us. We can’t care.  Not like this.