Kosher Nights and Better Days: Kosher turns 2

Kosher’s been the scene for many a debaucherous night for me.  I have vivid memories of shot glasses and massive bouncers.  Conversations with strangers in the bathroom and the effect dancehall has on People of Colour playing out in front of me on the dancefloor.

Shit, I even know the old lady who works at the bar and I honestly think she’s seen me so often I’d buy her a Coke if I saw her during the daylight.

If an event can be a home away from home, that’s what it’s been.

So when DJ Fauz asked me to come through and see what goes on behind the scenes, the groupie in me was ecstatic. [The writer in me.. uhh.. too. Yeah. Totally.]

The Twitter hashtag put itself together really: #hookahsandhoesatkosher.

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[As the night wore on, it proved rather..accurate.]

It was drizzling as I walked into the Cresta lobby.  Something I knew would still not deter party goers because we just live in that kind of city.  I found  set up in full swing.  The place was barren with tangled chords on the floor, the setup crew and hotel staff milling about with DJ Fauz, Ozzy the Great and Petula [Fauz’s gorgeous wife].  It felt a bit like how it must feel to wake up next to the person you might be in love with for the first time.  Here, naked, exposed and simple, you have to wonder if you’ll ever see them as flawless again.


As I tried not to panic and remember that after all this, she’d look as gorgeous as she usually does, the Marked Men crew walked in.  Chub Heightz, VH, Mak and TT looked rather domineering until they started talking.  From a Beyonce impersonation by Chub to a rather heated argument about which is better, tea or coffee, the morning was filled with laughter as speakers, lights and sets went up around us.


Tension was in the air though because this wasn’t just any random Kosher night.

Kosher was turning two.

Imagine. It’s been around as long as Blue Ivy.

By lunch time we figured it was time to calm our nerves, or start celebrating, depending on why you were there.

A Guarana and tequila shot later I was drawn out of the bar by the sound of Biggie blaring from speakers.

Ozzy The Great was going through his set and I could not wait to see how the crowd would react.  Pac, Shaggy, Biggie, a splash of old school reggae and some Busta Rhymes?!


It was pure ecstasy.

Or at least I thought so.  The patrons of the Hotel strolled about nonchalantly as I fought the urge to jump in front of one and in a scene reminiscent of something out of High School Musical, get everyone grinding and swaying.

I was ready for a 90s dance battle and all the hotel staff wanted to do was ask me if I wanted tea or coffee.


The hours passed and so did the liquor.  By 5PM I was ready to party and people, wherever in the world they were, probably weren’t even close to getting ready.  Door’s opened at 8PM and I felt hype enough to be in a Pitbull video. As people disappeared to get ready and the drinks continued to disappear within me to get me ready, the sun set. A quick dash upstairs into the hotel to freshen up and we were set.




As usual there were a few people littered about, dancing awkwardly and sipping slow.  All three rooms, the two Turn Up rooms and VIP had a visible social hierarchy set up.  The Cool Kids, the Thirsty Men, The Pseudo Celebrities, The Occasional Bad Bitches and the Rest.

A lot of men gravitated towards the game station, drunk and eager to prove their dominance over the characters and whomsoever challenged them.

The place looked gorgeous. My lover had remained her youthful vigor and now revelers marveled and spilled drinks all over her as she filled up.  She got full fast.

A few hours into the event Kosher was so full people were crowded around the stairs contemplating what to do.

Me? My camera abandoned, because I just knew my mind couldn’t pay attention to more than two objects [My phone and cup], I was dodging photos and playing a hospitable Stepford wife [albeit one in short shorts and a beanie].

Eventually I found myself seated with DJ Fauz, Mak, TT and the strikingly beautiful DJ Cupid taking vodka shots because..

Did I mention Kosher was turning two?

Because that’s like 13 in the entertainment industry.

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It turned out to be an amazing night.  From the crowd going insane when Drunk In Love dropped to me being thoroughly convinced life was meant to be lived under strobe lights, it was filled with memorable moments.  I watched like a proud mother as patrons danced in what just a few hours before was an empty, unattractive room.  I knew something they didn’t: She isn’t this gorgeous all the time.

And the appreciation I had for the team afterwards!  Who knew so much tedious work goes into bringing us a few hours of pleasure?

Two lucky attendees won P1000 apiece and I’m sure a lot of people went home having acquired something priceless too. [No, not herpes.]



Laone, one of the winners

The next morning, I woke up feeling like Ke$ha.  If a week filled with “Yo dude. Are you alright?” messages from friends and strangers alike is anything to go by, there are memories of that night that should be left in the recesses of people’s cameras.

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And did I mention the kidney infection that followed?

THAT was like contracting chlamydiae from your main chick due to your own irresponsibility.

But oh, what a wonderful ride it was, at the time.

To mark the journey that has been, I got in touch with a few people to share their Kosher memories.  Get into it below:

“The first time I went to Kosher I had no idea where I was gonna spend the night and I ended up drinking with my friends on a bench with a girl from Amsterdam.  I got so drunk I actually danced. If you know me, you’ll know why that’s horrific.  Lol. It’s my go to place in Gabs to party now.” – A White girl named Neo, Gantsi.

No, really.

“I met my girlfriend at Kosher a year ago.  S/O to Fauz for dropping the set that had her grinding on me!” – Gorata, London. 

“Kosher’s saved our night life scene, man.  I’ve been going for over a year now. That place is like home.” – Dee

“I have a love/hate relationship with that place. I always do the vilest things there. Lol. *covers face*” – Tshepo, Joburg. 

To say it’s love from us to Marked Men, Fauz, Cresta and everyone who continues to make  Kosher Sessions a possibility is an understatement.

Here’s to more years and more debauchery!

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Christmas is over, you can stop pretending to like spending time with your family now.
This year’s done and what better way to say “Fuck you then, mate” than getting drunk in a dome in the middle of a mall on a Tuesday?

On the 31st of December come party with us as we aim to do something different this year at the Main Mall Square – Cresta President Hotel. Yes we will be outside in the Main mall partying it up in a dome for this Year’s #NoiretNeon (Black and Neon) themed New Years Eve Party.

And special Guest DJs


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Doors opens at 8 PM Sharp
DRINKS WILL BE SOLD AT PUB PRICES ON THE NIGHT!!!!!!! [See Ian, we shall overcome!]

★Top 40 – Hip Hop – Dancehall & RNB – Dance – House – Electro – Soulful house – Kwaito ★

18 + EVENT

For more info click on the image above.