expectations

On Love, Fear and Courage

The thing about falling in love is just that..You fall. Truly loving someone is not a calculated procedure that can be stopped with a thought or ignored when it suits you. Whether you let yourself or not, you drift into a situation that is, often, more than you think you can handle. 

The older you get, the harder it may be to love, or LET yourself love. We all have stories and vivid memories of heartbreaks. Songs we skip, names we avoid and numbers possibly yet to be deleted. Break ups are more than unfriending and blocking, no more texts and phone calls. You have to remove a person from your Life. Stash away the memories, pretend you no longer care until it’s true, and do it all gracefully. You drink and run the risk of drunk texting, you cry and chastise yourself for not being over it yet, 

And after all that, you remember it all.

The empty promises, the disappointment. That eventually, the Good was followed by a shitload of Bad and Embarrassing. 

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And then? 

We clam up. It’s easier to be jaded than care and risk it like that. 

While discussing the possibility of falling in love, a friend said “No. You can’t. That’s not you. You think it’s stupid. You don’t believe in love.” And the thing is, I do. Probably a bit too much.

I have a Love/Hate relationship with Love. It’s a weird “I love you so much I need to leave you because if not you’ll kill me” kind of vibe. Love engulfs me and I lose sense of reality. I love recklessly and passionately and because I know this, and know that not a lot of people can deal with it, I try not to do it. 

Here’s the thing about Love: Most of us have no bloody idea what’s going on. We don’t know what we really want, most of us know what we THINK we should want. We don’t accept people as they are, we don’t accept ourselves as we are. Relationships have become closets where we go to feel safe and have company and have sex, maybe occasionally be vulnerable, and most of us disappear as easily as we appear. 

We lack stability. 

We lack commitment. 

We lack certainty.

We lack comfort, and know not the meaning of the word “honesty”.

We avoid vulnerability.

And I know this. I also know that I am absolutely terrified of being vulnerable. 

And with that revelation comes the truth that I cannot expect a certain level of intimacy without vulnerability. 

And I wonder if Life is constantly about being strong and overcoming fears and insecurities. I know Life, Living, involves action, but nobody tells you how appealing it is to be stagnant because you’re terrified of messing up, the older you get. 

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On bad parenting. [Excuse my French.]

As a child, you learn, maybe, to accept the fact that your parents are people too, in order to shield yourself from all the disappointment.  By telling yourself “They’re people too, they’ll fuck up” the things they do don’t hurt so bad.  Sometimes however, they just don’t give a fuck.  They take your maturity for granted and use it as an excuse to shrug off parental obligations.

 People tend to think kids are the needy, deceitful, manipulative ones.. You haven’t met some of these parents hey.  Some parents will shamelessly rob their kids of the beauty of youth. Teach them to hate, to belittle..pass their venom onto them.  Use them for their own selfish bullshit.

 

Oh but let the child attempt to get out of it..To stop being a pawn..To no longer carry them.. The child is “ungrateful”, “doesn’t understand”, is getting involved in things that “aren’t their business”.

 There’re a few things that I hate about this family shit, and I hardly ever use the word “hate”.  

I don’t like that these people feel like you owe them your time, energy..And that they think they can take it and it’s whatever. That you’re somehow indebted to them simply because of a surname/DNA/your gender etc

I don’t like the expectation.

I don’t like the forced bonds.

I don’t like that sometimes, you can’t do anything about anything, for whatever reason.

I don’t want it. I don’t want to have relationships forced on to me.

I don’t like cooking when I’m not hungry. You’re hungry, fix that.

The “has your father eaten?” question like he isn’t able bodied. I don’t know.

The fact that the men will sit, the whole day on a couch, waiting. For food, for attention..anything..Just waiting. And it’s fine.

The “You can’t do that/act that way, you’re a woman” shit.

But most of all..

That everyone, everyone wants to create you for their own personal, selfish reasons.

Man, I hate this shit.

They also don’t know how to leave people alone. They smother you with their mess and call it love.

I hate always having to tell people where I am or where I’m going..It doesn’t matter. I’m gonna lie anyway.

“Where were you?” Does it matter? Am I dead?

These people that you’re born with aren’t always your “family”. Fuck around and end up trying to learn to love toxic people.

They don’t go away, they don’t leave you alone, they don’t let you grow [into what you wanna be].

I am mad as shit at shit I never discuss. Seething.

 

– Courtesy of my Twitter timeline. A bit crude, I know. But I was rather bothered.