humour

If we’re being honest: I want to be a half naked, hairy recluse

Like many of you, I feel cheated.

Deceived.

Robbed.

Bamboozled.

Misled.

 

When I was young I couldn’t wait to grow up.  When I was 8 I wanted to be 18 so I could finally change my name to Alicia [After Alicia Silverstone, I’d been watching Excess Baggage on repeat], bleach my skin and move to New York.  Where I was going to get the money wasn’t a problem, my father said we were rich [More disappointment would come in the future regarding this].  Becoming White wasn’t going to be an issue either, I was already light skinned. I could dye my hair blonde and get blue contact lenses.

In my young mind, it was all very plausible.

 

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But this is not a post about how The White Man influenced my self image, this is a post on the other lie I was fed: That you gain control of your Life when you get older.

I’m so disgusted, I’m hacked.

To think that I’ve waited all these years, only to have society continue to dictate to me what I should be and how I should act.

To think, I grew up for this.

1. I did not grow up to wear pants.

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I remind myself of this every time I look at the damn constrictors. I don’t like them.  Pants were created by The Man to keep us miserable. I also blame you society, for being unsafe, also hindering me from wearing an oversized t shirt to the tuckshop for a cigarette.

Can you imagine what a leisurely stroll that would be?

But no, I have to wear pants and ruin the whole thing.

2. I also did not grow up to shave. 

As I was engaging in this extreme sport [It really is, one wrong move and whoops! No clitoris] I wondered why.  Fine, at the end of the day, it really is my decision to, seeing as I am the only one who ever sees my Portal To Excellence anyway, but it got me thinking. Right now, we’re at a point in society where hair on a woman’s body is considered unfeminine.

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I consider the times when I let my pubes grow out my own internal rebellious act. A big “Fuck you!” to The Man.

In an ideal world though, I would let it grow out a bit longer, I won’t lie. And I know you might wanna pin this on me being lazy [TRUE!] But really, it’s a hassle.

I often wonder if the silky smooth [Yes, TV ads have brainwashed me] feeling I get is worth it.

 

3. I definitely did not grow up to have to interact with people.Image

I really did not.

When I was young I wanted to be famous. Not for the money, not really. But because I wanted two things:

1.To have people mourn me how I’ll mourn Oprah.

2. I wanted to be as far away from commoners as possible. And by commoners I mean most people who aren’t me.

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But NO!

You grow up and there’re family members you have to maintain relationships with, bosses [In my case, editors, but whatever] you have to constantly communicate with, new lovers, plenty of acquaintances, and just a shitload of human beings.

 

It is hell.

Sometimes I just turn off the network on my phone and  sit under a table because HUMANS, EVERYWHERE!

 

I feel so defeated.  Today, I have done things that go against who I want[ed] to be [circa 12 years old].

But I guess this makes me an adult, my ability to prosper [Kind of] in an environment that occasionally threatens to crush my [irrational] dreams.

 

*PS This post kind of has nothing to do with the fact that I recently watched The Hobbit 2.

I think.

 

 

20 Things To Do In The Dark

Or rather, 20 things I’ve done in the dark.  Because that’s all we’ve had lately: darkness and silence.

“But don’t you live in a fairly developed country?” You ask, dear Reader.

“Why?!” You wonder.

I don’t know, man.  We have theories and mum government officials.

So here’s something to do on those days when we have no electricity for hours.

Feel free to add suggestions in the comment section.

1. Wonder how long it’ll be out for.

2. Play cards until you either win enough times to think you can be a poker champion.  Or lose enough times to go back to 1.

3. Tweet your disappointment, like a commoner.

4. Tell your pets your life story.

5. Consider becoming a political activist.

6. Picture how your life would be as Jason Statham’s wife.

7. Make a list of all the things you’d have to give up to attain that position.

8. 1 again.

9. Think about how many bjs you’d have to give in order to make sure that power cuts never occur again. [We know that’s probably not the key but.. Who knows, maybe if you give one to the right person in power..]

10. Wonder where you’d be at the current moment in time, 100 years ago.  Hunting? Pounding yam? Being sold for half a goat and kola nut?

11. Wonder if you’re prepared for a zombie apocalypse.

12. Consider getting fit. [Half a sit up does’t cut it anymore.]

13. Wonder if you’re indirectly still the White man’s slave.

14. 1 and 9.

15. 5 and 9.

16. In the event of a zombie apocalypse, wonder if you’d eat your pets.

17. Realize you have no recipes to prepare said pets.

18. Read a book.

19. Masturbate under candlelight and pretend you actually feel like being romantic. On your own. With half a candle burning. And no battery life.

20. Visit Facebook.

*Yes, I know it got grim pretty fast.

But so did our “load shedding” situation.