intelligent women

A Letter from Society, to you: How dare you have confidence?

Kids, let me tell you the key to getting along with a lot of people. A rather simple tweak to your current attitude towards Life that may have been hindering you from making friends who’re comfortable around you and keeping you from lovers who might adore you..

Have low self esteem. 

I know, I know..everyone’s telling you to have more confidence right? Believe in yourself and know your worth right? But let me tell you what happens when you do. 



Everybody knows all strong, intelligent women die and end up as Madea characters in Heaven. And I don’t mean the lead. No, the odd looking sister who has a story but not enough of one for us to bother with the details. The one who ends up broken and finds love with a broke bus driver who only has poetry and Chinese take-out to offer. That one.

How do you avoid this?

Downplay all your talent and prowess.

The only things you should openly admit to being good at are keeping quiet and listening, cooking and cleaning. Don’t you know that it’s 2013 and the only time a woman should exercise her Freedom is when it’s appealing to a man? When you step out of your comfort zone [In the kitchen, on your knees] to have a threesome or, in a rather daring move, share a beer with him. 

People don’t like partners with opinions [contrary to theirs], I thought Steve Harvey already told you. Did you skip the “How to stop thinking and finally keep a man” chapter? Honestly. How will you ever fulfill yours and every other woman’s dream of settling down with a man who’ll stifle your ambition and mould you into a younger version of his mother that he can fuck with all that independence? 

It simply will not occur. 

Have you seen those women who prioritize, put themselves first and hold their heads high? Comfortable in their knowledge of Self and worth? 

Who wants them? I mean.. Assuming they want one, they usually end up with supportive, equally strong partners who’re on their wavelength but..Who’s willing to wait for that long right? 

Be a good little girl and think you’re nothing more than a servile creature, created from a part of a Man that he didn’t necessarily need, and go forth. 

Body Image 

No decent woman is comfortable with her body. Only sluts are, and you don’t wanna be that, do you? I thought not. Hate your body. Tell yourself you will always need more here and less there. Hide it. Have sex in the dark and ask your partner to keep their hands on your neck or in yours. If they can’t, to themselves. Cover up or show too much in a form of emotional torture only you feel the full impact of.

Never be content.

Never be happy. 

Hate parts of yourself passionately, with dedication, it’s what you’ve been taught to do, so do it.

Laugh it off in public as you discuss it with equally insecure friends, seeking reassurance and not finding it from those as broken as you. 

Tell yourself this is your Life. As it should be. 

Work and Passion

Don’t be a bitch. I know that Lady wrote that book about why men love bitches but I promise you, it’s a lie.  You’ll just be the assertive..I mean, angry..woman  bitch in the office earning more than the men, skipping between your e-mail tab and your vibrator order form.  

You don’t need success in the workplace. Come on, we leave that for Beyonce. You, dear honey, sweet thing, only need to do enough to get by. You might mess around and actually achieve all you want, which might in turn scare all your potential suitors, meaning you’ll be alone and shame your parents. Don’t do it.

When applying for a job, put the basics. “Works well with others..Can work for long periods of time without supervision” you know, that. Don’t appear spectacular. Don’t show the world you actually can do anything, and do it exceptionally well at that. That’s showing off, at the very least, being proud, and that, Lady considering speaking out of turn, is for men. Confidence and drive are for men.

They don’t call it having “balls” for no reason. 

Be modest.

Be chaste. 

Say you aren’t as amazing as you are.

Say your work isn’t all that good.

Say the world could do without what you contribute it. 

People will love you. 

– Signed with Love,

Society and The Patriarchy 


They will love that you’re a woman who “knows her place”.  One who they don’t deem threatening, one who won’t change anything. A safe place.

They will adore you.

They will love you so much they’ll all pile onto you at once, seeking to get a piece of you, ripping you apart and keeping souvenirs. 

Some will take your last bit of Confidence. Others your hope. Others your sense of Self. Everyone will have pieces of you and all you will have left is your reflection.

But hey, at least they’ll love you, right? 




Hide and don’t Peep

Growing up I always thought respectable women were supposed to be undesirable.  They were  the ones who reminded you of your mother’s strength and determination, your Sunday School teacher’s chaste nature, your grandmother’s wisdom, so finding them attractive would really honestly just be creepy.

I didn’t fully realize I still thought this way until I saw a picture of Lauryn Hill that slightly aroused me. I was confused. Would I do Lauryn Hill? I’d like to think not. But why? And my first response was “Because I respect her.”  I sat and thought “This is some bullshit.”

See one thing you need to know about me in order to understand this is, when I think, I seem to have a slight case of split personality disorder.  We argue, we exchange different opinions and whoever wins, does.

So I had to have a little counselling session with myself to figure out why, as a person who thinks they’re fairly progressive, I still have these thoughts stuck in the crevices of my mind.

I realized I hadn’t covered all bases when it came to unlearning what I’ve been taught about women’s sexuality and their freedom to make choices and live as they please. I had to ask myself, “What bullshit it this? It needs to go. You have sex, does that make you any less respectable? You know it doesn’t, so forget this mess.”

I was ashamed. Confused too. I understood that this was as a result of what I’d been raised to believe, that women who enjoy sex/the company of men don’t deserve any form of respect, nor could they possibly be intelligent because all intelligent women were chaste and had better things to do.

I won’t lie, it’s something I’m still working on internally.  I didn’t think it would be this difficult but sometimes I slip up and have to remind myself that it’s the wrong way to think, and that I know better.  We’re a few months into the struggle.

While passing a group of Muslim women I told my friend how I find women in Niqabs and Burqas beautiful, which may be odd since you can’t really see their features, but I still feel that way.  He said “Of course you do, you wanna know what’s under there, it’s the mystery.” And I had to explain to him that it really had nothing to do with that.  I’m attracted to them as I’m attracted to women clad in modern day clothing : jeans, miniskirts etc.  Their attire, if at all it plays any part in it, has next to nothing to do with how I view them.  It could be her eyes, her walk, the way she sits, really, it’s her presence.  As it could be for any other girl on the street.

Of course many people are of the mind that these women are attractive BECAUSE they cover up and that makes them “different” and there’s a certain thrill associated with tainting the “purity” associated with them. Simply, they are fetishized, and a lot of people seem to not see anything wrong with it.

On that topic, I feel we should see beauty where it is simply because it’s there. Not because we want to conquer new territory or “try something different”.  Being fetishized has to be one of the most painful things actually because you’re in a sense dehumanized.  It’s not about you, as a person, it’s about that tiny part of you that someone chooses to fixate on, and you then lose your identity and become just that.

But of course this will possibly fall on deaf ears. It’s a process to locate and uproot the foundation of the wrong thoughts that you have.

For many of us lately it’s hard to realize that human beings are so much more than bodies.  That we have the capacity to be both sexual and spiritual, focused and open minded. That we aren’t boxed in by labels until we choose to be and create our Selves around them.

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