intimacy

Just A Taste: On Sex, Sleazebag Cheating and Why Some Men Are Still Nice

“I’m a very faithful guy hey. I’m one of the most faithful guys around” he says to me as we lay in his bed at 4 in the morning.  Words that would please any girl and send her heart beating in her chest, attempting to jump out and hug him for being so amazing.  Except I’m not his girlfriend. My hands wrapped around a vodka bottle as I attempt to taste the citrus that’s supposed to be in it, I say “Yeah..I bet your girlfriend thinks so. Yep. That must be why I’M in your bed right now” and  he looks uneasy. I laugh and we discuss the beautiful things Life tends to hand us that we feel compelled to destroy.

“Why do men cheat?” has been used to sell magazines since before I was born, with jaded women and defensive men alike attempting to reveal the intricacies or simple truths behind the act.

“They all do. They’re dogs” they say.

“They just don’t know how to be with one woman. It’s not you. It’s not him either. It just IS.”

“It’s in a man’s nature to conquer and explore.”

Or sometimes.. probably more often than I’d care to admit “It’s not him. It’s you. What are YOU doing to drive him out?”

I know some very nice men. Decent. They respect their women. They adore them. Their partners are happy and when they’re together, they create images worthy of a thousand Tumblr reblogs. To quote the young ones, they’re “Perf.”

But these men cheat.

Their partners don’t know it. These men hardly ever acknowledge it, and even when they do, would never call it what it is. “Cheating” is sleazy. But they do.

It’s usually premeditated.  It starts off with playful flirting as he wonders whether he actually CAN do this, and possibly fights his feelings of guilt. Because you see, his Lady is lovely, she really is.  She understands him and motivates him to be a better man. She could possibly be the future mother of his kids. But right now, he just wants something new. Something different. This one time, he feels an overwhelming urge to satisfy his curiosity and man, it’ll just be once.  Once he decides, it’s on to the propositioning.

I find they feel more comfortable exploring infidelity with a close friend rather  than a random girl found at a party.  Possibly because said friend would respect their relationship and not slander the “Wifey” or make the act seem more than it actually is: sex.   A friend I guess would be much more comfortable for them, seeing as they could rationalize the guilt away or minimize it using the age old “It was just a friend helping out another friend.”

And wasn’t it though?

I understand.

It’s usually a once off thing.  He doesn’t want to leave her, not even close. He’s happy and so is she. He simply wants to satisfy his curiosity. Look at it this way, I adore Toni Morrison’s work. At some point I read 4 of her books straight simply because I wanted to take her in, all of her.  I then took a break, read Charles Bukowski and went back to Ms Morrison.  Is that an issue? Is it something to be ashamed of? No. I think not.

 

And yes, relationships are different, I know. But monotony is rather irksome.

The only issue I see here is the deceit, but that’s the way it has to be.

Because let’s be honest, how many of us would believe it if our partner said they wanted to have sex with someone else once a year? Just once. How many of us would accept it?

 

There’s a difference between a man who wanders once in a while, out of curiosity, and a serial cheater with an insatiable appetite who insists on settling into relationships and dragging his partners through his mess.  Are they both cheaters?  Yeah, sure, but they have different reasons  for and methods of cheating. One isn’t as messy, selfish and sleazy as the other, and I think that matters.

The way a man chooses to cheat says a lot about the kind of man that he is. Which is why when some people do what they do, I understand, and to me, that remorse, even if it’s shame for following your desires, means something.  The fact that that person cares about the consequences of their actions and weighs everything out.  The fact that, to him, it’s not just “Me, Me, Me” it’s “Me, Me, Me, but if I mess up, what about Her?”

I’m not trying to say “Cheating is okay if you’re sorry you did it to an extent”, not at all, the point I’m trying to make is, certain things, once understood, aren’t as evil as we could perceive them to be from face value.

 

Friends

The art of loving a travelling man

He said “There’s only one person I love. Myself, alone. I don’t want this other shit.” and I wondered why the girls who cry over him, do.

When you’ve heard a man express to you that he will always come first? Firstly, do you not hear him? Second, why burden yourself with the task of attempting to change him?

There are men who will never belong to you.   Men who do not take chances with affection and would sooner cut loose and forget about you than risk remembering your smile before he falls asleep. Men who will reach for you one moment and fold his arms up the next. And you have to remember that sometimes, it’s nothing personal. ‘

It’s not about him refusing to love You, it’s about him preserving His heart, in his eyes. You are merely a statistic, the faceless embodiment of possibilities that he is not willing to explore.

Often we assume that a man who will not cling to you, no matter how much he may seem to have an interest in you, is flawed. Why? Because we assume he’ll be back, he just needs time to “figure himself out”? We assume we will be the exception to the rule and we will change his Life by showing him the wonders of monogamy and the Beauty of faithful, committed love.

But have you ever once observed a man without expectation? Dated him, slept with him, and merely wanted to learn him as a human being that you interact with. Sometimes we get the most out of being a part of someone’s Life simply by being the observer.  The rocks on the shore that experience both the crashing waves and the water’s caress when at Peace, and still remain as they are, as it’s in their nature to be, stable. Sometimes the water’s turmoil is none of your business. Sometimes your mission is not to stop the crashing waves.

Which is why I listened when he said we were alright, and was only briefly annoyed when he left two days later.  I’d observed him long enough to know that what he’d said was a lie because he holds eye contact when he lies then breaks it quickly to hide the guilt. I wasn’t mad when he lashed out at me a week later because it had nothing to do with me, and so I laughed it off. I did not think of him for a month, he lived as he pleased, and when he saw it convenient, he called. We met. We argued. We drank. I went home. I felt my heart begin to get confused and my mind remind it that this was as it was. That we know him as he is and no, we will not be The One.

The One to teach him about Love, he has known it.

The One to tie him down, he has a mother to be committed to.

The One that got away, that spot’s taken.

We will not be The One to do anything but Be.

He said he loves it when girls get mad at him, and laughed. Why? Because he wants to know that he makes them feel what his Ex caused him to feel. I however, as I told him, am a narcissist who feels what she wants as she wants, and unlike the others, I do not stay mad.  I do not stay caring.

Like my friend.  She had similar experiences with him and continues to be angry, months later. She doesn’t understand why I can still speak to him, sit on his lap, share a cigarette with him and even look him in the eye, when she can’t.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with him. He’s twisted. Who does that?” she says, holding back tears that are months overdue.

I ask her if she didn’t see that he was self-centered from the beginning and she goes quiet.

Did she want to love him? I ask. She looks away.

I ask why, she says he was “nice”.

I ask why she didn’t just appreciate it and leave it at that.

You see, he may be self-centered but he remains respectful.  Apart from refusing to fall in love, there is nothing about him that would make a woman feel bad. Nothing that he says nor does in any way disrespects women, and yet many of us will choose to hate men like him simply because they can’t be tied down.

It doesn’t seem logical that we’re holding on to dreams we’ve been sold by The Notebook, controlled by a need to have a better half, to the point where we hate the people we can’t train and seduce into submission.

Do we even bother to get to know the people we so desperately want to be linked to? Do you  know what triggers him? Will you be able to accept that sometimes they will need to go? To be their own person? Will you trust them? Do you know that a relationship actually requires understanding and not just tagged Facebook pictures and Goodnight texts? Do you really?

Will you respect that person enough to let them Be? Even if that means not always Being with you.

Can you understand that sometimes being there for or with someone doesn’t always mean possessing them?

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Think Like A Bitch And Get A Man

The dating scene’s gotten weird since I was out there. To be honest over the past couple of months I’ve been watching Think Like A Man, Going The Distance and trying to understand Why Men Love Bitches so I haven’t really seen firsthand what’s going on til recently. And frankly, I’d rather crawl back into my little hole and cuddle up with my intimacy issues and favourite porn site. 

I see while I was gone we decided communication is too mainstream for us and ignoring each other is the best way to keep the other around. All these rules were created by those who realized that no, in actual fact, grown people can’t do something as simple as date. Interact. Maintain romantic relationships. Communicate. Verbalize their desires. 

Nope. 

Selfless souls such as Steve Harvey and Sherry Argov sought to help us by telling us the best ways to manipulate, I mean, obtain and keep members of the opposite sex. And boy, did we listen. 

I’ll be honest right here and right now. I can’t do this. 

No M’am.

I cannot pretend, I cannot play the mind games and no, I cannot take dating advice that really sounds, for lack of a more eloquent phrase, stupid as shit.

“Don’t fix anything in the house. You’ll make him feel like less of a man.”

“Don’t nag him, he’ll cheat and leave and it’ll be your fault.”

“Don’t text him first, you’ll look like a stalker then he’ll go for your best friend.”

“If he calls, answer before the first ring is done, he’ll know you’re interested.”

Fuck. 

I’ve never been able to pretend. Especially when I like someone. I’ll simply tell you I do and what you do with that is on you.

No Sir, I do not have the time nor the energy to act coy. I don’t ignore calls to make you think I’m busy so you want me more. I won’t not text you because you might think I like you. Honey, I just might. So the fuck what?

I cannot jump back to primary school where we send each other subliminal “I like you. Do you like me as more than a friend?” messages. I refuse to and I think we’re pushing a  load of crap.

I think a lot of this nonsense could just be solved with respect.

If I respect you and your intelligence and maturity enough to lay my expectations on the table without treating you like a guinea pig and using tactics to try and obtain whatever I want from you, we’d be alright. Disappointed often maybe, but really in such situations, sooner rather than later, no?

If I respected you enough to answer your calls instead of ignoring you in order to “keep you interested”, there’d be less of this noise.

We’ve become cowards when it comes to love and we’d rather try and put it in a box, create  plans and missions like falling in love is going to war then we wonder why things don’t go smoothly?

Can we just not lie to each other?

Maybe others are okay with it but personally, I ask that you not lie to me.

I do not have the kind of heart that deals well with deception and betrayal. I have enough trust issues as is and I don’t know nor understand why people still say one thing and hide the fact that they’re doing another except for simply, they are cowards.

How can we honestly complain about the lack of honest relationships when we spend so much time trying to perfect the art of deception?

We cannot talk about being grown men and women and still not be able to verbalize what we want. Are we that scared of rejection?Is that it?

Dating’s become a chore. 

I dread meeting new men in my life who ALWAYS come with the “You’re so mature for your age, tell me your hopes and dreams and since you’re open minded and a feminist and whatever organize a threesome with your other feminist writer friend because you’re both beautiful and you don’t know that.”

My god. 

Listen, If I’m a bitch it’s because I’m like that naturally, not because a book told me to be so.

No, I will not act like you. I have no desire to.

I will not do anything I don’t want to in order to be chosen by you as worthy.

Can’t we see when people are just plain beautiful anymore? 

I think I still can but to be honest the pretense gets in the way and it never lasts.

I’ll say it right now I want something that lasts. I don’t mean the relationship should go on forever but let me see You all the time.

I still want to feel free to send needy texts when I’m down and not be ashamed. I want to be able to call if I’m happy at midnight and tell you I just wanted to hear your voice.

I want to be free with a partner with no advice nor interference from the media or friends because we both trust each other’s opinions and judgement. No? Too much?

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“My man comes before the children.”

I battle with the fact that there are mothers who will pick their husbands over their children. I don’t know how it works. I know wealthy, successful women who treat their children like trash and will do anything, anything for their abusive husbands.  I guess things never go well when people mistake emotional dependency for love.

 

See the thing is, I think women by now should know that romantic relationships can end. How many people have you dated that you thought would be The Last?  How many friends have you had that you lost over nonsense? Now, when it comes to family, especially extended family members but this counts for nuclear family members too..I think we love each other because we should. We don’t have a choice. We’re confined together and happen to be related so we feel the need to get along, and due to the fact that we interact so often, we grow to like each other, then love I guess. Sometimes.

But that’s with people who didn’t come out of you. People you didn’t nurse. Didn’t carry. Only have a somewhat superficial relationship with. When a woman clings to her man more than her children..I’m both saddened and disgusted.  

 

I had this friend who was born to her mother out of wedlock before her mother met and married another man. The two succeeded in their respective career paths and are now quite wealthy, with two children who came after her first daughter.  From the outside honestly things look lovely and I personally wouldn’t believe some of the things that went on in that household had I not seen some of it. 

This young Lady’s mother would pounce on her at any given time and choke her daughter. She was convinced she was trying to “take her man” and would constantly tell her daughter “If anything ever happened I’m choosing my husband and children over you.”  Now this girl was beautiful, intelligent too and yet she never got the opportunity to shine because whenever she did anything good, her mother would take the opportunity to strike her down, either verbally of physically.  She was constantly told she wasn’t worth anything and would constantly break down at school. Frankly some of us were convinced she was a tad bit crazy but looking back now, what seemed surreal back then is probably a common occurrence.

Noticing her mother’s obvious distaste for her child her step father took to molesting her and would constantly remind her that if she told, her mother would never believe her. And the painful thing is, we all knew it to be true.

It’s very hard to extract yourself from painful situations when you live in that environment. Nobody is raised to believe a family is meant to be anything but Happy, but experience teaches you otherwise. I’m not sure if it’s easier to accept these things when you’re younger or older but..It is what it is.

Maybe I don’t understand. I am not a mother. Maybe there are circumstances I can’t relate to and I’m being a judgmental being. But this is my opinion. This is how I feel.

My father and I don’t have much of a relationship. Despite the fact that we live together, we haven’t said anything more than “Dumelang” to each other since before Christmas. I’m not about to tell you why, it’s not relevant, but I will tell you what I learned about “Love”,marriage and respect from one experience.

 

When I was in High School I came home tipsy one evening. It wasn’t that late, but it was later than usual.  I was probably 15 and according to my parents I had already started a downward spiral into whatever Hell they thought a little Black girl could end up in.  

My father called me into their room and my mother was there. He proceeded to tell me why he didn’t like my behaviour and everything was fine, I understood where he was coming from, til he got mad. At some point during his tirade he said to me “You’re never going to be anything. I can tell. You’re going to grow up to be a prostitute selling your body for alcohol and I’m ashamed I even have to share my name with you. I should’ve let you die when I had the opportunity to tell the doctors to.” [I was a breech baby.  And my mother had a particularly hard time during my birth. At some point the doctors believed neither of us would survive] Anyway,at this point I begin to cry, bawl really. I wasn’t ready for that. Not in the least. A teenager had come home slightly tipsy to that. But at that point what really ripped me apart was the fact that my mother never once defended me or told him he was out of order. I was young, I did not have a voice then and could do nothing but cry. She, was closer to his equal than I was. Instead she turned away and waited for him to finish. I sat there well after he was done, waiting..and she still said nothing. I walked to my room with the realization that I was not the one. In the end, my tears had done nothing and she had let him say what he did. I was second to a man she didn’t even need in her Life.  And I’m not sure how I feel about that to this day.

I spoke to her about it much later and she said she “couldn’t” say anything because he had to discipline me and it was not her place to go against anything he said. That time, that moment there, was probably when I started giving a fuck less about marriage and obedience.

I don’t think obedience is an excuse. I don’t think one can hide behind “respect”.  I think it’s pathetic and sad. And no good can come from mistaking emotional dependency for Love. None. 

I also wonder if it’s ever worth it.. Because in the end you know you’re merely grovelling for affection from someone who has no time for you,and you’re turning away from what really HAS a connection to you, to beg. I don’t know if it could ever be easy, nor if it’s ever necessary. I think not. 

Saving This Ho

A few weeks ago I felt like the ugly girl in the group [Sorry if that’s you right now.. Or ever.] Life was shit. I was tired and I was lonely. So I decided to find a man..which in actual fact proved more difficult than I thought.

As I told my friend, it’s one thing for people to be attracted to you. Its another for them to actually See you. I am not lacking when it comes to admirers, although granted I hardly give them the time of day.. I always have a reason why not.. But with loneliness came compromise and.. Well.. Nah hey.

There was this one guy who’s BEEN trying to holler. So I was like ‘Fuck it, why not? He’d look pretty on my arm and I don’t find his company draining so.. Hey boo..”.  We spend a lot of time talking.. We do the time “Boo,Love,Hun..” thing and eventually I end up at his house. Everything was flowing and I actually kinda liked him.. [And his face.. Figured it would look quite pretty between my legs].. Til  we started talking. Actually speaking and exchanging thoughts.

He was a tad bit homophobic [Tad bit? I don’t know.. Just…listen], quite bland in fact and by the end of the first hour I found myself questioning if I should have stayed in bed and kept up the illusion instead. It was as if with every new topic, I found a new reason not to like him.

Then came the icing on the cake.. The “I think you’re an amazing woman.. But.. You just aren’t… A Lady. Men need women who say Yes. You don’t.”
Now.. I know this, but I still marvel at the amount of attention I get from men who think I’m “too much”.

If in actual fact that is how you feel boo, where are you going?  I had one guy tell me I don’t seem “Pure” and yet he sat there for hours on end listening to stories about my “impure” life.. I swear this is all some bullshit.

I’m not bothered though because if what they say they don’t like is what they keep coming back to.. Well.. Hey. Maybe I don’t feel any kind of way about it because I don’t give then anything more than good conversation. If all I give you is my words and thoughts, there’s nothing to miss should you go. It’s not as if there’s ever really any intimate bond formed.

I have this other “friend” who gets defensive at the very sight of any indication that I might be a female with feelings. It’s actually quite amusing. If I speak to him too often he feels the need to have the “Girls tend to fall in love with me but I can’t love” conversation. I humour him, it’s cute. If I tell him more than he feels he should know he reassures me that he cares, but really.. I should be strong, on my own. It’s hilarious. Sometimes I tell him a string of random nonsense just to watch him panic and find a way to squirm out of the conversation. He keeps missing one thing though. It’s as if when I tell him that in actual fact I speak to him as I do everyone else, he can’t hear me. He nods and agrees and throws in the “I hope so.. You’re so open..it’s cool.” but he’s so convinced that I’m just WAITING to love him that he doesn’t really acknowledge my words.  I’ve actually never seen someone avoid and be repelled by the idea of intimacy as he does.  He’s interesting to observe.

I was lonely til I realized I don’t even WANT a romantic relationship, rather, a certain level of intimacy. Someone to talk to whenever about whatever who’d remember my words and understand some shit y’know. That was it.

A while ago I got a phone call from a guy who told me that he was quite interested in me and was determined to make me “His” no matter what. That’s when it hit home. The idea of “belonging” to someone now terrifies me. I don’t want it. I don’t want to be the one you introduce to your friends as “Her”. I don’t want to be the one cooking for your friends and playing House with. I just want to Be.

But maybe my “impurity” makes certain men believe I’m trying to get “saved”. Never that boo. Well.. Not now anyway.

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