loss

Time, Birth and Death

It’s the end of the year and a part of me is truly shocked I made it this far. Frankly, I was shocked I made it to my birthday in July.

I often wonder if I’m just perfect at making horrible decisions or I’m one of those people who are meant to live a certain kind of Life and just figure out a way to get through it.  Is it destiny or a string of Fuck Ups?

The 14th of January 2013 I had a miscarriage.  When you hadn’t even known that you were fertile, no less pregnant and wake up to contractions and blood rushing down your legs, it’s a special kind of trauma. One of those experiences words can’t even begin to describe.

It was a bleak time.

I honestly don’t think I knew the meaning of depression until I went through the next couple of months after it happened.

There were days when I’d wake up and cry because I was still alive. I felt guilty and lonely. As if I’d somehow caused it and even though I knew I hadn’t, I felt like the blame needed to be passed somewhere and I was the only one to carry it.

I didn’t want to write about this.  The thing with sharing experiences with people is that not everyone will respect it.  We live in a society where everything turns into a joke, no matter how traumatic, and one never wants to be on the receiving end of being dismissed.

Friends often ask me if, in a sense, it wasn’t a blessing. If I would have kept the child and really, I don’t know. But I would have liked to have been the one to make the decision.  I felt [possibly still feel] like my body betrayed me.  For months afterwards I’d have panic attacks when my menstrual cycle came around and menstrual cramps would leave me terrified with flashbacks of that morning.

It’s been, by far, the most painful experience of my Life.

I still cry about it.

And I’ve learned that the real pain in certain experiences is that you go through it alone.  You can’t collectively grieve, even with people who understand.

It’s your loss and you have to come to terms with it.  You grieve as long as you want and you do your best to get by.

This is not a “Everything will be fine, just keep going” post.  Sometimes I have no guidance to provide.

What I CAN say is Life’s taught me that Time heals and creates all wounds.

And that’s that.

“…But then she has to be so transparent and so honest, and like, her secrets are completely – they belong to everybody. And it’s caused her problems in her personal life. That’s almost common knowledge.

So I think it’s this thing where you feel – it’s such a cliché, but like such an open book sometimes. It’s a struggle to try to figure out what to keep to yourself and what not to. Because writing, for me, is so important, and I need to do it. It’s a physical need. And so the more difficult a thing is I’m going through, the more I’ll write about it. Sometimes I feel like, “Should I be keeping that to myself, or is that not appropriate?” But then I think, “Fuck it. Whatever.” And write about it anyway, because I need to.

The purpose that it serves is greater than ego or pride or what people may think of you and all the rest of it. I spent a long time trying to make sure that I wasn’t worried about being embarrassed or stigma or people thinking that they know you, because they don’t. The more that you work on your craft, the more that you can find ways to write about the most terrifying things, things that you can’t even really say out loud to yourself, but write in a way that still feels very safe, and everybody takes something different away from it when they read it.” 
– Warsan Shire

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Stop being an Asshole

I detest being told how to feel, on anything.

I’m the kind of person to cry in the middle of the mall if I feel like it, or laugh like a carefree loose woman during a church service.

At any point in time, I am deep within my Self and feeling all of it.

I recently went through [Am currently going through] some shit and what I realized was people try their hardest to stifle their emotions and expect you to do the same.

“Don’t cry…Deal with it..It’ll pass..You should forgive yourself for this..” 

I’ve decided to detest all who’ve said these words to me.

I don’t believe people should comment on experiences they don’t understand. You don’t have shit to say.

When a woman loses her child, regardless of whether she knew she was expecting it or not, you have no right to tell her to “Just get over it and keep moving..It’ll pass.” Fuck you.

In fact, any traumatic experience should not be met with indifference.

I understand if people are uncomfortable with dealing with other people’s feelings. I do.  Personally when people cry in front of me or breakdown, it makes me extremely uncomfortable, but I would never stop them from doing it because of how I feel. It’s not my time. 

When someone attempts suicide and survives, the last thing they wanna hear is “You shouldn’t have done that..You’ll be fine. Why don’t you talk to us about it?” Do you understand that this person was on the brink of ending their lives? They went that far because they were fairly sure of it. Do you understand what it’s like to reach a point where nothing matters? Not even those you care about? And now you want them to “discuss” it? For them to bond with you? How do you expect them to verbalize it?  Suicide is not something  you decide on over night. It’s taken someone a while to get to that point and you think because YOU now noticed that there’s an issue things’ll change? Fuck you.

Nobody’s asking for sympathy. If it was desired, that would be stated. 

I’m saying : Stop being an asshole.

If you do not understand someone’s struggle and are unable to sympathize, say nothing.  Your 2 cents is worthless to someone in pain.

Your opinion on how things SHOULD be doesn’t mean shit.

People are hurting.  In ways that you couldn’t fathom.

Why must they deal with their pain AND your insensitivity coupled with your stupidity?

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