male issues

Things I’ll probably never fully understand: Men, Race and Gender

  1. What it’s like to be  a Man

It’s easy to complain about men’s behaviour isn’t it? So many of them mess up so effortlessly when interacting with women.  If one isn’t calling you a bitch he’s groping you or one of the straight ones is going on about how “homos” are an abomination. They’re quick to point out how they don’t do certain things because they’re “not bitches”, think feminists “are just angry lesbians” and when out, it’s shocking to find one who isn’t getting sloppy drunk, sexually harassing a woman or looking for a fight.

Now no, I’m not saying that ALL men do this, I’m saying a lot do. Too many.

And some genuinely have no remorse. Some think this is what it means to be a Man.  Some are unwilling to grow.

Why? Because this  is what they’ve been taught it means to be a Real Man. These are the thoughts that’ve been ingrained into their minds.

A man doesn’t cry.

A man doesn’t read books that aren’t about nude women, sex or money.  Wondering about the World and feelings is for women and homosexuals.

Nobody’s opinion matters more than a heterosexual man’s.

You need to be your own man, but only as long as your father and society approves.

Do not feel. Do not think anything you haven’t been told to think. Do not be anything other than what you’ve been told to be.

And a lot of men refuse to acknowledge that they aren’t living for themselves. That they live with a chronic fear of being considered feminine because, whether they’ll admit it or not they believe a woman is a horrible thing to be.  That it gets heavy sometimes, having to always be on your toes because someone may catch you slipping and wearing pink, only to question your sexuality.

That they’re often confused and feel confined by the word “Man.”

With the help of one, I have little difficulty understanding their experiences and their behaviour. I encourage my male friends to explore their feelings. To be honest about their desires, their fears and their dreams. To draw the line between What Society Wants and their Wants.  And there, I’ve found a lot of pain. A lot of confusion.

A lot of women are guilty of stripping males of their humanity too. Girlfriends who laugh when their partners cry or confide in them, mothers who tell their sons to “man up”, there’s always someone ready to continue the process of dehumanizing the Man, and yet who complains when said Man begins to act like the animal he’s been led to believe he is.

Men need healing too. They need acceptance too and for us to acknowledge their struggles with identity etc. They need to be taught.

I know some of you, especially women, are reading this and saying “Well they don’t do that for us” and I know, they don’t. Some of them are lost causes. But some men really do want to be better. They know there’s more to Life than being “Real”. If you come across one, nurture them. Is all I’m saying.

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2.  What it’s like to be Black, In America

“Diaspora”. I first heard the word in High School as my History teacher discussed “the African diaspora”. The conversation led to how hard life must be for Black people  in America. We all rolled our eyes.

What was he on? Evidently someone didn’t listen to Hip Hop. Hadn’t he seen all the sexy women with long weaves chilling outsides their yards, hanging out with their high yella lovers as kids played on the streets and expensive cars passed by with drug dealers behind the seat? Hadn’t he ever witnessed that Utopia? Well..yeah..random shoot outs would occur and that was sad..Yes, Tupac said it was rough over there but..It couldn’t be THAT bad, right? Right?

We thought for a long time that because America was “civilized”, because everything that we knew to symbolize success came from there or was somehow connected to it and the American Dream, it wasn’t possible for anyone to be unhappy there.

We thought Black Americans were ungrateful.

You need to understand, we got to see them through the eyes of the privileged White people who create the shows and the videos.

So we thought: Thugs. Prostitutes. Crackheads. Drug dealers. A few trying to make it out of the hood. Black on Black violence.  Unappreciative. Lazy.

We were led to believe the circumstances that many live under were of their own doing. That America, the land of Milk and Honey, provided equal opportunities to everyone. Everything was there, the Blacks just wouldn’t get up and take it because they still believed they were victims, that they were still being oppressed.

Delusional Blacks, living in the past. Tut tut.

It wasn’t until I stopped paying attention to the media that I began to somewhat understand the effects of oppression, the difference between what Is and What’s Shown etc. Social networking sites began my growth as a person, as a person of colour, as a woman, and for that, I’m eternally grateful. Meeting and interacting with not just African Americans but Black South Africans and hearing their stories made me appreciate my country and experiences that much more, as I understood theirs.

Botswana’s never really had any hostile experiences. Our country’s filled with Batswana and to be honest, most of us are shocked to see White people among us walking.  They’re an addition to our society, we aren’t an addition to theirs. We don’t know what it’s like to be Othered.  To be treated as Less Than. To be viewed as parasites in our own Land.

When the Trayvon Martin case began, some ignored it because they felt many more kids had been murdered, why focus on one? But I remember someone saying it would be an iconic case and we all waited to see whether that would be true.

Zimmerman was acquitted.

The case was simple. We all knew.

He saw a young Black man walking, he stalked him, confronted him and murdered him.

And he was let go.

It’s not that we didn’t know chances were this would occur, it’s that many were hoping it wouldn’t.

Now?

The racists are coming out to play.

Black boys are scared.

The Black community is outraged.

Simply, the facade is falling apart.

I cried.

I still do.

It’s heavy. It’s heavy on the heart and it’s heavy on the Soul.

I continue to watch this all unravel.

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3. What it’s like to feel like a stranger in your own body

Growing up I thought you were either a man or a woman. It was that simple to many. If you’re a woman, act like one, is you’re a man, act like one.

I didn’t acknowledge the Trans community til later on in Life, and even then, even now, it’s still something I’m learning about. Someone explained it to me simply “I just don’t feel comfortable this way. It doesn’t feel like who I am. Who I should be” and it’s something I still think about.

To a lot of people, the fact that they can’t relate means they should  reject something.  I thinks it’s silly.  I don’t relate to your struggle but that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t understand it.

One of my closest friends is undergoing hormone treatment. When she told me she intended to go along with it, she was cautious. I could shun her. I could tell her it was a waste. I could tell her anything that would dismiss her feelings and crush her spirit. I understood why she tiptoed around it.

My main concern? Was she sure? Would it make her happy? Then sure.

We already live in a society that’s dismissive, you don’t need to be one more person who’s a total asshole to  people because they aren’t like/don’t feel like you.

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I’ve had my own experiences as an African Cisgender Woman, and I am always aware of what and who I am. I appreciate it. But I’m always fully aware of the fact that there are so many more stories out there. An endless array of feelings and experiences that I’ll never fully feel, and I appreciate that too.

The World is larger and more diverse than your existence and your experiences, I’ve learned.

Hard Candy: Sex and Maturity

I lost my virginity when I was 12.

It was in a toilet cubicle at a mall, to a 17 year old boy I was dating at the time and I could tell you it was halfway between consensual and I was coaxed into doing it.

He used a government issued condom and it lasted all of 5 minutes before I had to go catch my cab, sore and slightly bothered. [I’m lying, I cried, don’t ask me why, I’m not sure yet. Maybe because I’d always imagined the first time would be memorable, maybe because it was in a fucking toilet cubicle. Maybe because I was certain I really didn’t want to. Not like that. Not then.]

Now, someone may think “The fuck was she doing even looking at boys at that age?”

I reached puberty when I was 10. My breasts ballooned out and I developed hips which came with a sassy walk and I had to rush into womanhood. I felt that if my body was ready, my mind was too and I could truly live as a woman.  I was intelligent too, already in high school, quite mature if I do say so myself and carried this as my reason for dating a 17 year old at the time.

When one of my cousins found out I was dating a 17 year old he told me “You need to understand, you guys may connect but that’s only because he comes down to your level. This boy doesn’t think  like you. Don’t be fooled and don’t be like one of these girls who fall for it.” I was outraged. What did he know? How dare he assume that just because he wanted sex from every girl he encountered my boyfriend did too?

Oh well, Life happened.

It began to make me uncomfortable that all of a sudden all he wanted from me was sex.  Frankly, not only was he unattractive, he was a bit overweight and I preferred his clothed body to him sweating on top of me. Conversation too became bland and it just seemed to go nowhere.  I wanted to stop it all but felt the best thing to do was to simply let him get it over with when he wanted to in order to keep him and ignore it.

When I went from Indifferent to Mad, I didn’t have the balls to leave him so I cheated.  At that point sex was still pretty sacred to me but I convinced myself that if my virginity was gone, there really was nothing left, so I gave it away.

Eventually I told him, we broke up and when I told him I’d cheated once, he told me he’d cheated with 12 girls. In the space of a month and a half. Understand that he claimed he was a virgin and I’d be his first and only. Then that.

I was confused. Hurt. Evidently I hadn’t been as smart as I’d thought.

It took me approximately a year and a half to get over it.  The first relationship I’d been in had gone to foam so quickly and you know when you think you’re in love, regardless of the fact that you don’t know what love truly is at the time, you see a future with someone. It crashed.

My little 13 year old self decided I was a Woman now. I knew heartbreak, I knew sex, I was ready for the world. I spent the next 2 years having sex with whoever was interested and I didn’t find disgusting. Honestly, that was how my mature teenage self picked ’em.

By the time I was actually legal to have sex I’d had so much I wasn’t even remotely interested in it all.

Now we could go into all the experiences I had during that point in time but now is not the time for that.  I can tell you the basics, the slut shaming, the one night stands, occasionally feeling worthless, being fucked and left, using your feminine wiles to get what you want, I covered all that.

Now all of that was a long time ago and thankfully I made it out in one piece. I learned what I learned and life kept going.

Some girls aren’t so lucky.

It’s sad that a lot of us think as soon as puberty is reached one is ready to tackle sex and all that comes with it. Sayings like “After 12 go a jewa” [After 12 you eat] don’t help and young girls are constantly preyed on because they are both physically mature and naive.

I don’t know about my ex. He could have been using me, what a 17 year old was doing with a 12 year old despite my maturity is the question. The fact remained I could be easily persuaded at that time because I lacked a sense of Self and that alone I feel should make any person uncomfortable. The fact that the person you’re with could be reduced to a mere object  if you so choose. That they are THAT easily manipulated.

Today Batswana men were up in arms about the fact that the age of defilement would possibly be moved up from 16 to 18.  I’ll be honest, the only time they’re ever this collectively mad is when alcohol prices go up.

“What about my little High School girlfriend?”

Nna I’m still going to screw these young girls, I don’t care I’ll tell them not to tell.”

“But the young ones are so easy, why are they trying to scare us to the older women?”

And those who saw this for what it was were said to be overreacting.

How can you, as a grown man, see nothing wrong with complaining about the fact that you won’t be getting young girls into bed anymore? What’s your Life like and how does your mind work?

The number of people who passed jokes about sleeping with children and those who were hellbent on the government not getting away with taking away their right to screw young girls shocked me. Frankly, I found it quite disgusting.

They did not see the pedophilic undertones associated with their words.

A friend said “I Personally Think It’s An Attack On Women’s Sexuality. If There’s A Super Mature 17 Year Old Who Wishes To Explore Her Sexuality, Why Shouldn’t She Be Allowed To?”

And I see his point but to be frank, the mature 17 year old will probably do what she wants to anyway. That’s not the focus of all this.  This is what they feel they need to do to combat the defilement and statutory rape cases they get and I’m going to wait to see if it makes a difference.

On the one hand I think, why should anything change? We’ve been doing what we’ve been doing as we’ve been doing it and really, when has the threat of going to jail for a round of sex ever stopped anyone? On the other hand I think, maybe it’ll instill fear in those who’ve been going along with all this and make a difference, ANY difference.

Another friend asked why I wasn’t addressing women sleeping with boys and I said didn’t see women being the ones who were up in arms about the fact that they wouldn’t be able to be intimate with young boys therefore I addressed what was put in front of me. I’m not blind to the fact that women also use young men and whatnot, not in the least, but to see so many men unhappy with the fact that they wouldn’t be able to troubled me as much as the fact that everyone thought it was either funny or not that serious.

As mature as girls like to think they are, we don’t know anything about male/female relations/our bodies, our Selves until we grow. Personal experience teaches some and  observation teaches others.

Some people don’t make it through certain life experiences and I think we should strive to keep them away from sure harm.

We probably can’t stop these kids from having sex, I’m not sure we could stop those older than them from using them, but maybe.. Possibly.

I just wish we could have as few of these as possible. I haven’t figured out how yet but I’ll take whatever comes my way at this point.

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Really.

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“That Baby Don’t Look Like Me!”

Boy meets Girl. Boy tells his friends she’s a “Bad looking little bitch with a fat ass” and approaches.  Girl plays coy but exchanges numbers with him nonetheless.  Boy wakes up and sees an unknown number, remembers, and the flirting begins.

Two weeks later boy ends up at girl’s house. Boy and girl begin to do what grown folk do, except he doesn’t have a condom. He stops. She says her period ended two days ago so she’s on her “safe period”. Girl straddles him, kisses him softly, grinds on him, well aware of the fact that one often reaches a point of no return when Lust is involved, no matter how rational they may be otherwise. Boy stops her and says they can do this, but if she falls pregnant, he doesn’t care because he didn’t want to do this, she insisted. She says it’s fine.

Four rounds later, boy goes home.

Six months later, girl calls. She’s pregnant.

Boy hangs up.

What happened was, all of this. Except Boy is a Man in his late twenties and Girl her early twenties.

He told me his story proudly as we walked, on our way home.  With a crisp “No, fuck that bitch” at the end of it.

I was speechless.

He’s proudly saying that he wants nothing to do with a child that may be his because he told his mother he wouldn’t look after the child should she fall pregnant.  There’s a little boy out there with his genes, and he won’t acknowledge his existence because he simply doesn’t want to.

On the one hand, fine, let’s be honest, that Lady should have known better.  Whether or not she was on her “safe period”, she had sex with basically, a stranger, who outright told her he would not care about what happened afterward.  Why not get the morning after pill?

She called him hopeful. Thinking that knowing he had created a Life with her, he may care, may bother. He didn’t.

From what I gather, he once gave her a bit of money to take the boy to the clinic, other than that, he’s made no contribution towards the child’s well-being in any way. He proudly says “No, I don’t give a fuck, I told her” and continues to tell me how she recently called him to inform him she’s considering moving on to find a man to cater to her and her child’s needs, to which his response was…wait for it..Can you guess?

“I don’t give a fuck.”

I still don’t know how to feel about it. Two silly people met, had sex, and created a large mess they can’t be mature enough to resolve.

Why would a woman be that irresponsible?

Why would a man be that callous?

How could two parents be so  immature? So selfish? So.. Childish?

So Girl had a boy by the Boy and seems to be trying to be a Woman.

Boy remains a Boy.

A father to a boy who might just grow up to be just like him.

A little man who’ll grow up to relate a little too well to J.Ivy’s “Dear Father.”

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“I am a man, not a victim” : Males and Abuse

“But the problem with feminism is, if we say women are equal to men, then they’ll start raping men..”

 

You see there’s this great misconception that men cannot be victims of abuse.   Because they’re expected to be strong and invulnerable, a lot of men don’t admit to sexual abuse and a lot of women don’t acknowledge that it occurs.   

 

Possibly due to the fact too that women are only considered care givers and motherly, it would be difficult for a lot of people to realize that we could as easily perpetrate Evil as the next man. 

 

Gender roles and stereotypes that teach who can and can’t be dangerous mean that a lot of the time we let out guards down based on assumptions.  We’d keep our kids from the uncle who gets too tipsy at family gatherings  and usher them off to the maid when in fact she could be the one considering selling your kids. 

 

A few years ago I read an article about a maid who’d been sleeping with her employer’s 6 year old son. She gave him an STI and said she was doing it to “cleanse her blood”. The article I remember centered on the fact that she was a woman who’d done what’re considered  “male crimes”, child molestation, and statutory rape.  A few months after I read this I came home early from school to find our maid at the time in the living room asking my brother, who was 7 at the time, if he knew what a condom was because at some point he’ll need to use it, which was followed by a giggle from her.  There was so much for my mind to process at that point. First of all, wait, what? Second of all, What? Third, why? Fourth, Hold up.  See in that instant my mind was reeling. Why? Is this what she does when we aren’t home? What else does she do? 

 

It’s a difficult subject to broach with a child. “Did she touch you and make you uncomfortable?” Because as Oprah once stated, the problem with sexual abuse, sometimes when your body responds, it makes you wonder if it’s actually as bad as it is.  I had to do it because my mother would have broken down.  He replied with a “No” but then again, he was confused, there’s a question mark over the whole thing and I know that, should the day come when he remembers, he’d sooner say “She was teaching me” than, “I was abused.”

Because “abuse” is considered a feminine thing. Something that happens to vulnerable females who can’t protect themselves and when the roles are reversed, whereas the daughter of the family would go for counselling, the son will be told to man up and focus on “serious things”.

Someone I used to know lost his virginity at 9 to a woman who was 21.  See, he never spoke about it as what it was. To him, he was “mature”, they were in a “relationship” and they  “loved each other”, according to him, I just didn’t understand and I asked him, if  the roles were reversed, what would it be? Rape. Simple. But he said he appreciates that she taught him and that’s what he sees as “Real Love”. I don’t bring it up anymore. 

 

The need to portray themselves  a certain way means a lot of men never admit to and deal with the abuse they’ve suffered.  They carry it, swaying between feeling manly and pathetic, shameful. They hate themselves for not having been able to defend themselves, and for feeling like what happened was wrong. A “real man” should be proud. Should appreciate the lesson, isn’t it every man’s dream to be initiated that way?

 

Men are victims. Women are victims. People are victims and suffer at the hands of others. Suffering is not meant for any specific person and whatever doesn’t help/heal you is not for you. 

And to women; Our struggles are not unique. It’s wrong of us to think just because a select few men do not appreciate or relate to them, all men can’t. A lot of us will advocate against rape and yet laugh at a man who says he’s been a victim. We still carry misconceptions and exclude those who feel as we do sometimes based solely on the fact that they are different [male]. A lot of us are yet to learn that men hurt as we do, they just don’t always know what to do or how to do it. 

Things are only “different” when you haven’t left your Self and put yourself in the other’s situation. What happens to you/has happened to you, has happened to someone else and expecting healing through solitude can’t always be the way forward. 

Evil is a human trait. Some suppress it and some don’t. It is not Manly, it is not Feminine, it simply Is. 

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– Last image courtesy of PostSecret.com

 

How to be a Lady

To be frank and honest I find a man labeling me a “Lady” as offensive as the average woman finds the term “Bitch”.  

The idea of being a “Lady” was created by a group of men who wanted trophies to parade among  themselves and use for their every whim without hearing so much as a whimper from them.  It was then carried around by women who adopted it, possibly because they wanted to get chose and now the rest of us are plagued with this “Be a Lady” bullshit.

But since most women are convinced we all need to act a certain way, I’m here to help.  I’m probably single and masturbating while reading novels because I’m not a Lady, and as a good woman and sister to you all, I’d like to save you from the trauma of spending your time focusing on yourself and self pleasuring. God forbid you actually do what you want and enjoy it.

Don’t think.

You have no business doing that, only Lesbians and Feminists think and look at them? Do they seem happy? No. They can’t be if they don’t have the Almighty Males at the center of their lives.

Detach yourself from all females. 

These women are out here lately drinking beer, writing, smoking and even buying sex toys. Sinful heathens the lot of them.  No man will pick you if you associate with them.  And that’s what we live for isn’t it? To be loved by men? Let go. 

You know that face you pull when you’re trying really hard to push that last bit out..?

Give it all the time. The same “I’m really trying to drop this deuce” smile. Never laugh in public, if anything, giggle. Only whores laugh in public because they’re trying to clear the cum from their throats. Remember this. 

Pick out all your clothes with the intent to impress men.

From the neighborhood drunk to the man who collects the garbage. Wear lingerie to watch TV and text your boss with lipstick on. So what if they can’t see? The fact remains that the Universe realizes that you’re trying to make the effort and will reward you.

Never consume anything in public.

Not even water. Why? Are you a thirsty bitch? Just don’t do it.

Spend all your money on make up and slimming teas.

It’s in the Good Book. “Do whatever you can to please every man”. Let this be in your mind at all times.  Ladies are not worthy of love unless they make sure every man they encounter leaves with the desire to lock them up in their houses and make them do housework.

Don’t wear pants.

They are not meant for you. Are you an authoritative figure? Jeans are for home-wreckers and On The Go prostitutes. Never be caught dead in anything a nun wouldn’t wear.

 

Don’t read books. Don’t better yourself any way but physically.

Real ladies know what’s inside doesn’t matter. Be a vacuum, men love that shit and they’ll soon be knocking at your door.

Don’t listen to music.

It’ll give you ideas. And we do not want you to think. Let this be your motto.

Do not shave your pubes until you have a possible Husband.

Only sluts and whores have no pubic hair. Why? Because the demons living in their vaginas might get lonely and need company that’s why. No hair makes it easier to access their Hell Holes. Keep your pubic hair for as long as it takes you to get chose. He’ll appreciate the effort. 

Your anus is a dirty place

So only shit..defecate..when it’s ABSOLUTELY necessary. Can’t get too used to that hole being open right Ladies? Might fuck around..I mean..mess around..and get ideas.

Don’t get an education beyond High School.

I told you, those things are for lesbians and feminists. Carry a random book around with a cheerful cover to please people’s eyes. Make sure the cover is bright and has the wording in Italics. 

Never orgasm.

Ever. Do you want him to leave you and find someone purer because you fucked around.. I mean.. Mucked about and enjoyed sex? Don’t be dirty.

Never,ever have an opinion 

on anything. If you aren’t agreeing with a man or praising him, don’t speak. Ladies never have a say in anything and that is the REAL reason why the world keeps turning.  Don’t react to anything either. If you aren’t crying because you don’t understand how God blessed you with men and Taylor Swift, shut up. 

And never, ever, indulge in any worldly pleasures.

God did not create women to enjoy their lives. Don’t ruin this. 

I’ve tried. If you don’t get chose after sticking to these maybe your Vagina automatically gives you dirty Slut demons and you will never find Love. Unfortunately having brains and mouths makes it extra difficult for most of us as women to settle. Intelligence is such a burden and freedom of choice, the worst. 

I hope it goes well. It’s unfortunately too late for me because I’m already an alcohol drinking,   book reading smoker with dreams and ambitions, but maybe one day I’ll accept that I’m an educated Feminist Lesbian because of all the books I’ve read and just leave it be.

Adieu. 

Your Kind:

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Our Kind:

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It’s my Life, so how do I feel about You?

I’ve found that even among friends, females find it extremely difficult to communicate, especially about their desires, insecurities and issues. 

How easy is it to go up to a friend and really share yourself? Your crude business idea? Your insecurities about that one thing you  feel you lack in your relationship? The fact that you think said friend may not like you that much.. The fact that you think you’re a bad daughter or you might have a crush on someone? How freely are you able to express yourself with those you seem to be connected to?

 

This is what I’ve learned, as women we keep each other at arm’s length. 

And it’s understandable.

Now I’m not one of those females who say things like “I don’t have female friends because they aren’t trustworthy and they’re full of drama”, if experience has taught me anything it’s to take people as individuals because I know men who gossip more than a  lot of women I know and women who’re more hardworking and loyal than a lot of the men I know. Gender roles are a waste of time but that’s an issue for another day.

 

As I like to say, trust is for the naive.  You can never really know how one feels about you because with the ability to communicate and think comes the ability to deceive.  It’s the norm now. I won’t tell you I don’t like you/have issues with you but I will drop hints, snide remarks, smirks, sabotage at every opportunity. Such.

I’ve said it before that I cannot have any sort of relationship with people who don’t communicate. I’m a very vocal being, I over-share with those I choose to speak to and it would be easier if other people were like that to be honest, for me anyway.

I’ve lost friends over very petty things that I honestly feel could’ve been avoided.  Your friend will listen to you go on and on about being interested in a guy, and never make it known that she is too. The moment he shows interest in you, she disappears from your Life.   This is some unnecessary shit. If we’re that close why would it be possible to let something as simple and easy to find as Dick [because that’s usually the case] get in between us? [No pun intended].  I’ve observed that not many males I  know have this issue. With them, they make their interest known and proceed, assuming it’s nothing serious, whoever gets in first, does, and that’s it. Life goes on. They’re still friends. They’re fine. Why? Because they spoke about it. 

 

While looking for someone to share an idea with I realized I only felt comfortable with going to one of my friends. She was the one I was certain would relate, expand on, support and understand my idea. And so what does that say for my other friends? Because I know different sides to their personalities, who some of them really are, I don’t trust them with  things I treasure. And with that having been said, I guess the fact is, some of them aren’t even friends, just people who’ve been around for a while that I can tolerate and relate to when I’m drunk.  And this doesn’t bother me because they are not an actual part of my life. But sometimes I wonder if it makes me two faced. I am not malicious when it comes to interacting with them but I find myself questioning the reason why I keep around people I don’t need. Which leads me to wonder if really Life is all about using: people, experiences, knowledge, to your advantage. Is that it? 

“People need things, and if you don’t provide what they need, they don’t need you.”

I’m learning this applies for empathy, intimacy, money, sex, basically, everything.

So it’s quite simple isn’t it? No?

We’re all self-centered to a certain degree, even the most selfless among us. We don’t walk into situations we don’t want knowingly, we don’t deal with people we don’t want around and at the end of the say, the questions “What do I want? How do I feel about it?” always comes up. 

I will come before You and it can’t be anything to feel bad about, we’re all trying to survive. And if you feel the same, I’ll never fault you.

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The reality of being a woman in a “forward thinking, free” society.

So I’ve been reading on the Oscar Pistorius case and I’m genuinely shocked at how brutal the murder was. My heart breaks with every new detail because I wonder, what was this girl going through that she hid so well? Can you imagine what it must have been like to be with someone and have to put on that brave face and grin and take it because you’re in the public eye?

I can relate, but I doubt if what I think even comes close to what was. 

It’s just that..Reeva now is acknowledged as The Victim..But a part of me believes society only acknowledges this because of the fact that she is dead. Had she made it through, had this not occurred and had she gone forward and told people he abused her, she would have been the bitch who sought to tarnish the reputation of a Star, a National Treasure even. She would not have gotten sympathy and we know it.

It’s not that people don’t know others get abused, they do, but because they think it’s nothing but a slap, one punch, nothing too tragic, nothing to cause a confrontation over, they don’t get involved. 

It’s not possible for people around them to not have known. Especially people who knew him. But of course it’s easier to attempt to keep his image clean than admit you knew and say you stood by and watched.

He crushed her skull. He chased her around and shot at her. He shot her. He killed her. 

They had been in bed together and whatever had happened, he did that to her. 

Articles cover his accomplishments. “What could have caused this? Oh my. Who knew? We’re so sad..” Her? She gets about 3 lines talking about her life. Because I don’t even think they view her as an actual PERSON. They try to make it seem so..But they fail dismally. She is nothing but another victim, but before that she is The Woman Who Caused Pistorius’ Downfall, to many.

Frankly I never really gave a fuck about who he is. I think viewing him as a celebrity/icon means we think his circumstances were special and some shit we couldn’t understand. Thus he won’t be judged as a mere Man.  People wanna cry but overlook the man who burns his family in a house in Soweto or the one who stabs his wife to death in Francistown over bread..The one in India who pours boiling water on his wife for bringing his food cold. Why? Because they remain nameless to society. Who are they and what did they do other than ruin [another] woman’s life?

We’re so used to women being victims that we only really notice when something incredibly heinous happens, and even then, it gets our attention for a minute.  Women cry, complain, march..And then? Something else happens and we have to switch up to the new victim. 

This is the reality of being a woman in a “forward thinking, free” society. 

Patriarchal men and their way of thinking still owns most of us and our mothers.  Because at the end of the day we’re viewed as expendable, replaceable, we still really don’t matter until it’s convenient for us to. 

 

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Why some women tend to be stupid bitches

This post will contain a lot of swearing.

I will be rude.

I will vent.

I am frustrated.

I’m starting to believe more men hate women out there than we believe.  Have you been reading about these rape cases lately? No, it’s not that rape is bad enough, now they’re gang raping, mutilating, like it ain’t shit. What must happen? What?

I wanna understand. I wanna know WHY. I know the basics, the textbook version of things, but that can’t be it because I’ve been taught that what we can learn, we can fix, but this here is some shit I don’t think anyone was ready for.

See, I’m not scared. No not really. Not for me anyway. I’m scared for the women who walk around with their heads held high, oblivious to what’s going on around them. The ones who think rape is “sad” but, it doesn’t involve them. The ones who have better shit to do than think about that.

What I wanna know is, don’t they understand that what affects one woman really affects us all? Honey, if they begin to hate us, they hate us all. They don’t hate the Blacks, or the Fat ones, or the Rich ones, we are ALL at risk every time we step out the house.

It appalls me that a lot of women are so detached from other women. Who else do you have other than us? I’m not saying men are shit, I’m not saying you can’t depend on them, but ask any female, the biggest issue women have amongst themselves, is other women.

We do not trust each other. We do not care about each other. We do not relate to one another and we do not listen to each other.

The 17 year old that gets raped is not you so you can’t feel that. The 25 year old who’s kidnapped and abused in front of her son is not your sister so you can’t feel that. The 50 year old woman who gets abducted, raped and murdered is murdered is not your mother so you can’t feel that. The 75 year old woman who gets strangled and sodomized is not your grandmother so you can’t feel that.

“It’s sad but..”

I’m saying you SHOULD feel it because on some level, these women are JUST LIKE YOU.

You have different names, stories, beliefs but you are women and considering how SHIT things are lately, what would it hurt to support one another?

I got to thinking about protests after going through my Twitter TL, but their effectiveness is not what I’m here to discuss. It got me wondering… Out of all the women I know, I promise you, less than 10 would be willing to march against rape, or any other injustice women face. Less. Than. 10.

How do I feel about that? I’m pissed off. I’m saddened. Because those who wouldn’t, are those who subscribe to victim shaming, those who turn a blind eye, those who would rather run to the boyfriend who assaults her because she’s convinced herself HE is what she needs.

This is shit.

Fucking. Shit.

Charlize Theron once did a PSA on Rape and stated that every 26 seconds a woman is raped in South Africa. 26 seconds. That’s basically 4 women per minute. For all I know the statistics are worse now.

You are a potential walking statistic, and you still think it doesn’t have shit to do with you?  As much as I respect choice, I can’t respect that one. I won’t.

I suggest you download that and tell me if that didn’t scare the shit out of you. If it didn’t reach a place in you not many things can. I’d like to know if you still think it’s such a far away Evil now.

This right here is what I wish would happen.

Women need to get mad. We need to start to live and protect OURSELVES now, not the perpetrators. We need to stop trying to be Ladies and NOT cause a raucous because we don’t wanna be judged.

The fuck are we trying to act right when we’re being treated wrong for?

Fuck that.

Fuck it.

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Minute Men

“Women lie. Men lie. Numbers don’t lie.” This may have been thought up with Business in mind but if experience has taught me anything, it’s that the same rule applies when it comes to sex.

We lie. Whether it’s about penis measurements, cup sizes or how long we can last in the sack, we lie.

I understand. You don’t want to seem inadequate. You want her to think you’re the best package there is out there, make her want, need, to be with you, to have you just once, so you add a bit here,omit a bit there and Voila, she’s down to fuck. Like a Peacock you fluff out your feathers and prance about like you’re the biggest cock there is, [Pun intended], giving her sleepless nights as she spends hours experiencing every move she hopes you’ll deliver, in her head. You’re her Mandingo,her James Deen,her Prince Charming from the Nasty side of the tracks.

And then the time comes. You get her slightly tipsy,hoping this will shield the blow that you’re about to deliver, or rather attempt to, and fail at. There’s kissing, there’s groping, breathless moans and tugging at clothes, you SHOULD be turned on, and maybe you are, but nothing stirs, and all too familiar feeling that doesn’t get any easier to handle. Her hands on you do nothing,and you kind of forgot to mention that you really aren’t THAT well endowed actually. You’re just an average guy. The guilt, mixed with the anger at the constant disappointment Little Man shoves your way and the desire that won’t show become all too much and as you try to push it all aside, she discovers your naked secret.
Her face registers a mixture of shock and disappointment that you’ve seen enough times that you’d catch it from a Mile away, flashing for a nano second. The fact that It’s flaccid doesn’t help. And then you start fumbling through an excuse about how this doesn’t happen all the time and you’re probably just too drunk and you’re Sorry. She could try and get it up if she wants to, or you could postpone..The same old routine.

Some men are Minute Men,and some men just can’t maintain an erection. They don’t speak about it. They probably can’t even admit it to themselves, but that’s how things are. This is not a once every six months Whiskey Dick situation.  He cannot get it up,and Ladies, if you find yourself in such a situation, there really is one way I prefer to diffuse the awkwardness. Be compassionate.

It’s quite easy to be an asshole in such a situation. You haven’t had your orgasm yet, it doesn’t seem like you will. He was dishonest, he led you on. You go from shocked, to angry. But I tend to look at it this way, yes, he may have lied, but Sex is one of those we all wanna be good at. You would lie too.

Given the situation,if you had issues with getting aroused and ready, I doubt you would be willing to put that out there. Denial would be your best Defense. Try and be understanding, and leave the rest for later.

Now I’ve come to find of the men who have this issue,there are two kinds: The Angry Macho types, and the Soft, understanding ones.

The angry,macho types are mad at their penises. How dare it not represent him to his satisfaction? He is a Man. He should be getting ass. He deserves it. How dare it? Also, his guilt and self consciousness kick in and he gets angry at all the other men out there. Thrusting to their hearts content. He cannot believe that it’s him. It can’t be. It’s probably you. Yes, every female he meets sucks. And then he might muster enough of an erection to thrust thrice into you,subsequently relieving his anger and all that he felt, and convincing himself he showed you who’s actually Boss.

The soft understanding ones know how things are,have accepted it,and are saddened by the situation. He feels as if he’s not man enough to deliver. His sex life is shrouded in Shame and therefore, he cannot enjoy it. He bares himself to females, hopeful and careful. He would like to please you, but he can’t, so he lets go of things and hopes. For it to go away,for someone to understand,for SOMETHING to happen that’ll make it all better.

I’ve encountered both types of men and will state this. He who seeks understanding will get it. Those who insist on crushing you with their rib cage for about the same amount of time as an interlude lasts, then act like you ain’t shit, get no love.

As someone who has a few sexual insecurities herself I understand the importance of sex being an enriching experience. It’s scary enough baring your Self to someone, baring yourself to someone and having it be a complete disaster is some BS.

So on the matter of Minute Men,I say we try. Communication goes a long way. One might just be nervous, or have issues of inadequacy. Often times you’ll find talking about why things are that they are will get someone to loosen up around you, trust you, and try harder to give.

I figure a bit of time spent cultivating a relationship,[even if it’s one that’ll bloom for a short while and then die],building trust and intimacy,thus leading to better sex,is worth it.

People WILL lie. But as long as we understand Why,we’re free to make the most out of situations despite how things began. Hey,all men can’t be [Insert Favourite Male porn star here] and we can’t all be Jada Fire or Skin Diamond or Rihanna. We don’t always ooze Sex Appeal and shit either ladies. So if we want to experience the Beauty that comes with sex,after the lies and and the self consciousness,we work on it. It’s simple as that. You don’t have to marry him, you don’t even have to see him again, but the whole idea is to make every sexual experience as awesome as possible.

So screw it,the next time you’re faced with a not so enthusiastic member, rather think of it as an opportunity to play and discover new things. Your one minute man who’s been nervous and a tad bit ashamed could end up giving you the best bedding of your life.

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We DO love them Ho’s

I love women.

I love strippers, housewives, prostitutes, nuns and ho’s.  I want the best for them all, whether that means going to med school or being a porn star til you make enough to retire. I respect them, I adore them, I admire them.

But this does not stop me from screaming out “Bitches ain’t shit but ho’s and tricks” when the track comes on..Yes, I do want a big booty ho for my birthday and Juicy J gets me hype as hell.

Now anyone who listens to Hip Hop would understand why it’s considered ideal for misogynists.  The lyrics are mostly derogatory towards women, or rather, “bitches”.

“I just fuck her, let you love her.” -King Louie

“I don’t respect no brain unless we talkin’ that saliva spit,
Ho I got a lot of bread, lot of whips, lot of chicks,
You can be demolished then be gone without acknowledgement..” -Wale

“I never met a bitch that didn’t need a little guidance..” – Pusha T

“You see, me and my homies like to play this game
We call it Amtrak but some call it the train
We all would line up in a single-file line
And take our turns at waxing girls’ behinds..” – 2 Live Crew

Bitches are, mainly, sex objects, This is made apparent not only by the lyrics, but by the music videos too. Attractive women are recruited to play out the fantasies the lyrics sold in the first place. Lesbian scenes to excite the masses, scantily clad females shaking ass and looking like they enjoy it. They feed into our fantasies while still making us uncomfortable, because we know..That’s someone’s sister. Someone’s mother maybe. Definitely someone’s daughter. And these men saying these things, are of our ethnicity. They are of our tribe and this is not some random man from afar calling you a Nappy Headed Ho, it’s someone with equally nappy hair.

As my politically correct side and my ratchet side collided, I began to make up excuses in my head of why I should in fact continue listening to these men who tell me to “bus’ this pussy open” and how, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t really matter. My PC side reminded me that I am a Black woman and by being a part of this, I’m allowing them to continue the breakdown of Black women and spread misogyny and patriarchy.

It was a tough call.

As I sat I thought..

Black men can’t REALLY hate us. I mean, on the surface it looks like it, but do they really?

They verbally abuse and degrade these women on a grand scale. Granted, the women place themselves in these situations but as they themselves often say. “A bitch gotta eat.”

Looking at these men, most are married to or in relationships with Black women. Snoop Dogg, Ice Cube, Dr Luke, Wiz Khalifa.. Despite their “Bitches ain’t shit” crap, they have stable homes with the very women we’d expect them to be shunning.

On that note, we get to the ‘Ho’s.  Strippers are big right now. No rap video worth it’s salt doesn’t have at least 5 of them twerking, gyrating and doing splits. You’d think after the video shoots these women would be discarded,no? These are the ones society would consider the true Ho’s,I mean, they take off their clothes for money. Nope. Wrong.

Wiz Khalifa is currently expecting a child with Amber Rose, a former stripper who was previously with Kanye West and has been linked to Fabolous and Chris Brown among others. Kanye West himself is now expecting a baby with self made Millionaire Kim Kardashian who shot to fame after her sex tape with Ray J leaked. Tyga has a child with Blac Chyna, a former stripper. Drake doesn’t hide his adoration for them, and has been linked to Maliah Michel, Kyra Chaos and Bria Myles, a video vixen. Lil Wayne has been quoted as saying Karrine Steffans AKA SupaHead is the love of his life and supposedly wrote his song Prostitute about her.

These are the bitches and ho’s they supposedly don’t care about.  They are the women they’re looking after and loving. Rappers go to strip clubs and spend thousands and we think they’re treating these women like objects, which may be true but in the grand scheme of things, these women take home this money to feed their kids. They pay their bills and build lives by what they get from these men who supposedly hate them.

These Black men who, granted, on a public forum don’t really do much praising, are, in action helping out, providing for and supporting these Black women. Wale went and placed one of the female characters in Ambitious Girl as a stripper.

I had to look beyond the blatant bullshit and wonder, are these men really just doing this to eat? I mean, we all know, it’s hard for the darker race over there. You have to be a puppet to survive..Is that what’s up? And if so, maybe, as Wayne said, I can “pop my pussy for a real nigga” and it won’t be that much of an issue. Because he doesn’t REALLY think I’m nothing but a “big booty ho”. When the song’s done,I’ll go back to being an attractive, intelligent female. It could be pipe dreams. But at the same time, there’s always more than meets the eye.

[On that note, I suggest you check out this 4 part documentary on Strippers [Power of Pussy] here. It looks at the challenges they face and the misconceptions they seek to clear up. There’s lots of ass and beautiful women in there too. Enjoy]

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