marriage

Marriage: I do, sometimes.

Everyone thinks they have shit figured out.  We all have opinions on situations we’ve never been in and a mental rule book on how to live that we never consult when issues involve us.

The one thing it seems all human beings are good at, is critiquing someone else’s decisions.

“So and so fell pregnant, she’s silly, why would she? She’s so young.”

“He’s engaged. But he’s only 22. Why? There’s so much to still experience.”

Basically: “So and so’s not doing what I’d do so their decisions are sketchy.”

Our generation has a jaded view on love and relationships.  Many are extremists on the matter. They either believe relationships are for the needy or single people are ill. We all question each other’s decisions with no knowledge on the intricate details of matters.

marriage

Somewhere on this journey of Life I decided I’m dying alone.

Well, not so much decided as accepted, maybe.

And this is the part where I roll my eyes as someone chimes in “Well, we all die alone.”  Yes, thank you for your input Sherlock Hipster.

Raised with the idea that everyone has a soulmate who’ll put up with their shit I went into dating with a certain certainty.  It was kind of like taking shots until you find the one that tastes good and gets you drunk the fastest.  You just knew you’d find it, you had to.

As time’s passed I’ve met my soulmates. [Yes, some people have more than one. I’ve met four so far.] None of which I’ve dated.

I’d gladly marry tomorrow provided the person knows when to leave me alone.  For me, that is the key to a peaceful union: individuality and acceptance.

I’ve dated people who are exactly like me and I’ve dated people who are nothing like me. I’ve been in love and I’ve been infatuated. I’ve discussed baby names and considered how long I’d wait after marrying someone before I’d divorce them.

See I don’t believe marriage is the inconvenience many believe it is, I believe it can be.

I go into relationships knowing things will change. My partner will, so will I, and for me, the main question is: Am I willing and able to grow with this person?

Many people don’t think about that. They don’t wonder if the person they’ll be in the future will be compatible with the person their partner will be.

For me, long term relationships mean committing to the person your partner will be in the future. If you can both agree on doing this, I don’t see why people can’t marry young.

Marriage for me doesn’t equate to “settling down”.

It is not putting your dreams on the back burner.

It is not leaving your dreams to focus on someone else’s.

It’s about finding someone to love you and encourage you as you grow.

My best friend taught me more about romance than any romantic relationship ever has.

In our 8 years together we’ve been many things and all kinds of people. We’ve shared experiences we’ll never disclose. We’ve fought, we’ve laughed and we’ve cried.

I realized a few years ago, the main thing that’s kept us together is respect, love and acceptance.

And here Sherlock Hipster chimes in again “Well relationships aren’t like friendships. There’s sacrifice and responsibility and..”

Yes, yes.

There’s all that, sure.

But the basis of every good relationship I believe, should be those three.

Decide if you’re going to give conditional or unconditional love.

Will you still be there if your partner decides to be a drag queen? Or quit school and move to another country to be a bar tender?

What is it you see in that person and is it enough for you in the long run?

american wedding

The Help: Sex with the Maid

Today while dropping a friend’s nephews off at home, I met their maid. A simple woman,really. Bald, dark skinned, she was in a torn t-shirt and track pants. No one worth remembering. Or at least I thought so until she picked up the toddler and turned around to walk into the house. 

 

My first thought at seeing her behind was “Fuck. Hey! How does the husband of this household function?!” after which I reminded myself that not all men cheat, while still staring at her butt in disbelief and slight admiration. I watched her walk away and kind of understood why a man may get the desire to sleep with the maid.

On the other hand, I realized, not all men who sleep with the Help could sock it down to simple Lust.

Society usually blames the woman for her husband’s cheating. There’s always something she’s lacking that made the husband stray.

You could be the breadwinner, cooking everyday, bathing the kids, washing the dishes, paying school fees, sweating wine and feeding him chocolate from your cleavage, and when that man cheats, society will look at you and say “Sure, whatever, she did all that. But she didn’t help him put on his shoes that morning. It was her fault. She should be ashamed. What did all that hard work get her anyway? She should have known her place.”

And that’s what those deep in The Patriarchy think.

A woman’s place is in the kitchen and if not there, wherever her husband wants her to be. 

If you aren’t there, you probably deserve to be treated badly because you’re a disobedient slag. 

Working class women often get the worst of it, it seems. 

In a society that is still mostly misogynistic and patriarchal, the woman who steps out of the kitchen/bedroom and decides to be more than Somebody’s Something is a sell-out. To other women, women who don’t share her views/drive, she thinks she’s better than them. How dare she? Who does she think she is? Is she saying that THEY are slaves? Stupid? Fuck her.

 

And so when Working Woman’s husband strays, maybe even leaves her for the maid, in their eyes, she deserved it because she wasn’t “playing her role”.

I began to wonder, assuming, as a working class woman, you marry a man who appreciates the path you’ve chosen, and you end up with a rather hectic workload, is it possible for the man that you settled with, no matter how open minded he may have been in the beginning, to cheat with the maid, and if so, why?

Simple Attraction

We begin to get accustomed to those we spend time with. We expect our partners to not fraternize with the Help because they’re employees and should be treated as such. But frankly speaking, it’s quite possible for the two to develop feelings for one another, whether lustful or otherwise. And in such a situation, you, as the woman of the household, have nothing to do with that. It’s easy to assume it wouldn’t have happened if you’d spent every waking moment with your partner. But who knows?

 

Basic desire/appreciation for people who take care of us

We grow fond of people who make us comfortable. Many men, with a patriarchal mindset or otherwise, might gravitate towards the maid simply because they feel cared for by her. 

Power

On the other hand, assuming these don’t apply, we get what seems to be the typical scenario. It’s a power thing. This man has a servile woman at his beck and call who gets paid to attend to him and he may not know or care that there are lines in that relationship/situation. He’s attracted to the maid not because of her person, but simply because he has power over her and in his eyes, can control her. 

Some maids are receptive but more often than not, they aren’t and they end up getting raped and remaining silent. Or adding Sex With The Sir to their list of chores to receive just a bit more at month end. 

 

Your Maid’s a Vixen

Or, you were unlucky and hired a vixen. One who made it a point to know your husband’s underwear size and schedule before she knew where the washing machine was.  And in such a situation, I can only hope you have an honest husband who’ll tell you what’s happening and not one who views the situation and sees an opportunity to make his porn fantasies come true.

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Adieu.