men

Mama said

  1. Never show a man you love him too much. They will see this and take advantage of it knowing you won’t leave.
  2. Never love a man too much i.e more than yourself. He can never give you more than you can give yourself for as long as you can.
  3. When you cook maize meal, add a bit of salt and oil.
  4. Your marriage won’t be worth much if your partner isn’t worth much. If you insist on settling down, let your partner build you.
  5. Take care of your body. Especially your figure and your skin. Your whole appearance as a Woman shows how you feel about yourself and has the power to give you the confidence you need.
  6. Buy attractive lingerie for yourself, not to show it off to someone else.
  7. Family is everything. Friends come and go but if you find those worth keeping, do so. 
  8. Never let another person steal your joy. 
  9. Buy pretty bedding.
  10. Sometimes you need to pray. [Or as I call it, Talk to the Air.]

 

Sound advice, she’s tried.

 

But as I found myself thinking about my future children, especially my daughters, I grew distressed trying to figure out what to teach them and how.

See, I believe my mother didn’t teach me what I feel my daughter should know. And I understand why. For her, some of the greatest lessons have come about through trial and error and being reactive to certain situations which, probably could have been avoided had one of us been proactive, but I understand because she isn’t as vocal as I am and hope to be by the time I have kids. 

She didn’t tell me that boys would lie until I’d already been lied to and led down undesirable paths in the name of Love.

She didn’t prepare me for the emotional Beast I’d become once a month when my hormones kick in.  The Education system failed me here too. Y’all just made it seem like a bit of bleeding, not cramps that feel like a kick to the vagina resulting in what looks like a Spartan battlefield on a good/bad day. The anger, emotional texts to Ex’s [although that could just be me] none of that.

She didn’t tell me that as a female, you’re a walking target. I guess I understand why. My mother doesn’t really see things the way that I do. She still victim blames, I admit, but a lot of her generation does. Also, I doubt she would have wanted me to grow up looking over my shoulder expecting to have something happen but, I feel it’s something every girl should know. Rather rob them of their childhood with honesty than have them end up in a situation far worse because they were naive.

Pregnancy scares. We don’t discuss those obviously. I doubt we ever will, but I want to with my daughter. I guess we’ll squeeze it into the Sex Talk.  One of the few times we discussed pregnancy I brought up abortion and my mother was mortified. “We don’t kill what God creates” she said. I laughed and said those are her views and we’d need to be logical and consider whether bringing a child into the world would be the best thing. She said I was speaking like the Devil, which amused me. I know though that I don’t want my daughter feeling obligated to keep a child because of emotional blackmail. I want her, should she find herself in that position, to make an informed decision.

She never told me to know when to leave a man, I found that out the hard way.  

I learned that one should avoid patriarchal men like the plague out in the world too. My daughter will know the same. Although I guess the “Have a partner who builds you” part covered that.

Cook because you want to, not because you have to, for someone else. I hate that. Having to interrupt your time of doing Peaceful Nothing to fix a meal for someone who’ll probably decide it’s not worth it and sleep by the time you’re done. 

I believe Sundays are peaceful. For solitude and everything else you want. Sundays are Selfish days, to be worshiped. I’ll tell my daughter. 

Mama always wanted a happy family that bonds over dinner and cooks together and laughs all the time and such. We are the exact opposite. She knows her children love her but I always tell her, personally, I don’t feel the need to always be in my family’s presence. I spend a fair amount of time alone and there isn’t anything wrong. She says it’ll lead to me being in an unhappy household, I tell her I don’t want to raise kids  who are dependent on another person for comfort, it’s simply how I am. 

I drink quite a bit. I drink when I’m sad, when I’m happy and when I’m excited. No, it isn’t as often as you may think, but beer, wine, straights, they all get a pass with me. And no I don’t get sloppy drunk unless I’m home and with close friends, and even then, I never want to because I always want to know everyone is alright. My mother drinks a few glasses of wine every two months and thinks I’m an alcoholic. Dear Future Daughter, drink if you want to, just don’t be a fuck up.

Religion. If you haven’t figured it out by now, she’s religious. Christian. I was once, and then I read too many books and thought too much to continue believing in a White man in the Sky and virgins giving birth to Saviors. I hope my daughter isn’t religious, I won’t lie. Spiritual, yes please. But that’s her choice to make. 

Sexuality. I’m guessing you can figure out mother’s views on that. Marriage, monogamy, kids, the basics. I still have to explain to her how gay people have sex sometimes when she’s drunk and curious but thank god she’s not a homophobe. I want my daughter to do with her body as she pleases, to own herself.

I will stress the importance of an education. Not just degrees, they’re nice, but to be smart and know the world, understand people, understand yourself. Nothing’s more depressing than a person with a degree and an empty head, there’re too many running around.

I want her to know she’s always stronger than she knows and sometimes, than she wants to be, and her mother was too. 

I want her to know that Love is everything. And true Love, for anything or anyone, should never leave you feeling Less Than in anyway. 

And that mistakes happen and there is no shame in Living. 

I hope I raise a little Warrior. A beauty. An Amazonian Princess honestly. A woman who could have held her own had she been born in Sparta. Someone like Cleopatra. One who walks with pride and is firm in her knowledge of Self and depends on no none, needs no one, who isn’t worth it. I hope I raise a Queen who unfortunately, will know loneliness because those of her kind will be rare in society, but I know she will seek out and find comfort in like minded people.

I know a fair amount of the lessons will come about as me being reactive too. I realize that with parenting. I appreciate what my mother has taught me and what she kept from me, she was doing the best she could and I will do the same. Maybe one day my daughter too will point out what I could’ve taught her but didn’t. And that’s alright.

The whole point of relationships is to learn. My mother has taught me and I have taught her. Lessons I hope we both spread out into the world. 

Lessons of Love. 

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I understand why you’re a slut, boo..

I wonder when the average woman realizes that she owns her vagina.

That her virginity isn’t something for her parents to brag about.

Nor her pussy grip something for her lover to tell his friends about.

That her body count, whether it be 4 or 90, won’t really change the World.

And her “purity” is not determined by her genitalia nor can it be measured by a priest and guarantee passage into Heaven.

There was a point in time [I’m lying, it’s still ongoing] when I was constantly referred to as a whore. See I didn’t  understand why though. I knew all the people I slept with, and I knew why I had, so I didn’t understand how an outside party could brand me such without sufficient information on why, how and when it happened.

While discussing this with a male friend, he asked me “Do you sleep with all the people you want to though?”, I responded in the affirmative, to which he said “Well then you’re good. Fuck ’em. You need to understand, most people are too afraid to do that cos they either think they’ll be rejected or they’re afraid of being judged. As long as you’re getting yours, they’ll stay mad. Accept it.”

It was food for thought. Are we considered whores for the sole reason that we feel free to do what we please with our vagina?

Are you a slut because you fucked the whole clique and actually enjoyed it?

Are you a skank because you cum, boo?

Now, men tend to put it this way “I can’t fuck with her cos everyone’s had a turn and I’m not about that.” But, why is it that even if a female is notorious for her sexual acts, she STILL continues to fuck whomever she wants? Including the self righteous men who want “Pure” women. Men naturally always wanna be conquerors and pioneers and shit..Is that why they want virgins? To be able to say “I broke her”? Then feel Big cos you think she’ll remember you forever and you would’ve changed her Life?

If no one had led you to believe an autonomous woman is undesirable, would you still deny yourself pleasure?

The arguments made are ridiculous really.

“Her pussy is probably loose..Besides what will my hommies say? Nah..What if that bitch has like..a disease or some shit? I ain’t bout it.”

Now..loose pussy. I personally don’t understand how this is still a thing since kegels exist. But if it still is..Well. *shrugs* But honey, have you yourself considered the fact that maybe you aren’t well endowed? I don’t know. Just maybe.

If one is still worried about what their friends will say when it comes to those they choose to lay with, maybe they shouldn’t be laying with anyone at all. Evidently mental maturity is lacking and you are unable to make decisions so, don’t. As for diseases. Why assume that she is reckless? Because in YOUR mind she ain’t shit, you believe SHE thinks she ain’t shit?Honey,no.

Women need to understand that a man who is ashamed of you doing as you please doesn’t really respect nor trust your ability to make your own decisions and trust yourself.

So why fuck [with] them though?

Your clitoris should be your best friend.

Sex shaming is unfortunately rife and people have no issue being closed minded, self righteous ad sometimes, just downright dumb.

To Quote Kid Cudi “In the end they’ll judge me anyway, so, whatever..”, So, to quote The Weeknd “Girl take pride in what you wanna do, even if that means a new man every night inside of you..”

Would you rather be sexually frustrated and sad because idiots judge you cos of what you do with YOUR body, or enjoying orgasms and comfortable with, proud of, the decisions you make regarding your Self?

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