patriarchy

The Help: Sex with the Maid

Today while dropping a friend’s nephews off at home, I met their maid. A simple woman,really. Bald, dark skinned, she was in a torn t-shirt and track pants. No one worth remembering. Or at least I thought so until she picked up the toddler and turned around to walk into the house. 

 

My first thought at seeing her behind was “Fuck. Hey! How does the husband of this household function?!” after which I reminded myself that not all men cheat, while still staring at her butt in disbelief and slight admiration. I watched her walk away and kind of understood why a man may get the desire to sleep with the maid.

On the other hand, I realized, not all men who sleep with the Help could sock it down to simple Lust.

Society usually blames the woman for her husband’s cheating. There’s always something she’s lacking that made the husband stray.

You could be the breadwinner, cooking everyday, bathing the kids, washing the dishes, paying school fees, sweating wine and feeding him chocolate from your cleavage, and when that man cheats, society will look at you and say “Sure, whatever, she did all that. But she didn’t help him put on his shoes that morning. It was her fault. She should be ashamed. What did all that hard work get her anyway? She should have known her place.”

And that’s what those deep in The Patriarchy think.

A woman’s place is in the kitchen and if not there, wherever her husband wants her to be. 

If you aren’t there, you probably deserve to be treated badly because you’re a disobedient slag. 

Working class women often get the worst of it, it seems. 

In a society that is still mostly misogynistic and patriarchal, the woman who steps out of the kitchen/bedroom and decides to be more than Somebody’s Something is a sell-out. To other women, women who don’t share her views/drive, she thinks she’s better than them. How dare she? Who does she think she is? Is she saying that THEY are slaves? Stupid? Fuck her.

 

And so when Working Woman’s husband strays, maybe even leaves her for the maid, in their eyes, she deserved it because she wasn’t “playing her role”.

I began to wonder, assuming, as a working class woman, you marry a man who appreciates the path you’ve chosen, and you end up with a rather hectic workload, is it possible for the man that you settled with, no matter how open minded he may have been in the beginning, to cheat with the maid, and if so, why?

Simple Attraction

We begin to get accustomed to those we spend time with. We expect our partners to not fraternize with the Help because they’re employees and should be treated as such. But frankly speaking, it’s quite possible for the two to develop feelings for one another, whether lustful or otherwise. And in such a situation, you, as the woman of the household, have nothing to do with that. It’s easy to assume it wouldn’t have happened if you’d spent every waking moment with your partner. But who knows?

 

Basic desire/appreciation for people who take care of us

We grow fond of people who make us comfortable. Many men, with a patriarchal mindset or otherwise, might gravitate towards the maid simply because they feel cared for by her. 

Power

On the other hand, assuming these don’t apply, we get what seems to be the typical scenario. It’s a power thing. This man has a servile woman at his beck and call who gets paid to attend to him and he may not know or care that there are lines in that relationship/situation. He’s attracted to the maid not because of her person, but simply because he has power over her and in his eyes, can control her. 

Some maids are receptive but more often than not, they aren’t and they end up getting raped and remaining silent. Or adding Sex With The Sir to their list of chores to receive just a bit more at month end. 

 

Your Maid’s a Vixen

Or, you were unlucky and hired a vixen. One who made it a point to know your husband’s underwear size and schedule before she knew where the washing machine was.  And in such a situation, I can only hope you have an honest husband who’ll tell you what’s happening and not one who views the situation and sees an opportunity to make his porn fantasies come true.

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Adieu.

A Battered Basketball Wife:On Evelyn Lozada and Society’s view on women and abuse

I personally don’t believe that a man has to hit me to know that he shouldn’t. Nor do I believe that love is pain and everything about affection and human bonds needs to hurt. You either have to be a certain kind of broken person or an irrational romantic/masochist to be able to confidently say you would tell your own daughter to go back to a man who’s hit her because now he’s “learned his lesson”. Why does him learning his lesson have to involve ME getting bruised and stitched? Why does it have to take countless tears and counselling on my part for HIM to grow as a person?

Why does he have to disrespect me and hurt me to learn the meaning of respect, and even if it does, why should I go back to someone who can’t grasp the basic concepts of respect, communication and boundaries?

[more]

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A Letter from Society, to you: How dare you have confidence?

Kids, let me tell you the key to getting along with a lot of people. A rather simple tweak to your current attitude towards Life that may have been hindering you from making friends who’re comfortable around you and keeping you from lovers who might adore you..

Have low self esteem. 

I know, I know..everyone’s telling you to have more confidence right? Believe in yourself and know your worth right? But let me tell you what happens when you do. 

 

Relationships

Everybody knows all strong, intelligent women die and end up as Madea characters in Heaven. And I don’t mean the lead. No, the odd looking sister who has a story but not enough of one for us to bother with the details. The one who ends up broken and finds love with a broke bus driver who only has poetry and Chinese take-out to offer. That one.

How do you avoid this?

Downplay all your talent and prowess.

The only things you should openly admit to being good at are keeping quiet and listening, cooking and cleaning. Don’t you know that it’s 2013 and the only time a woman should exercise her Freedom is when it’s appealing to a man? When you step out of your comfort zone [In the kitchen, on your knees] to have a threesome or, in a rather daring move, share a beer with him. 

People don’t like partners with opinions [contrary to theirs], I thought Steve Harvey already told you. Did you skip the “How to stop thinking and finally keep a man” chapter? Honestly. How will you ever fulfill yours and every other woman’s dream of settling down with a man who’ll stifle your ambition and mould you into a younger version of his mother that he can fuck with all that independence? 

It simply will not occur. 

Have you seen those women who prioritize, put themselves first and hold their heads high? Comfortable in their knowledge of Self and worth? 

Who wants them? I mean.. Assuming they want one, they usually end up with supportive, equally strong partners who’re on their wavelength but..Who’s willing to wait for that long right? 

Be a good little girl and think you’re nothing more than a servile creature, created from a part of a Man that he didn’t necessarily need, and go forth. 

Body Image 

No decent woman is comfortable with her body. Only sluts are, and you don’t wanna be that, do you? I thought not. Hate your body. Tell yourself you will always need more here and less there. Hide it. Have sex in the dark and ask your partner to keep their hands on your neck or in yours. If they can’t, to themselves. Cover up or show too much in a form of emotional torture only you feel the full impact of.

Never be content.

Never be happy. 

Hate parts of yourself passionately, with dedication, it’s what you’ve been taught to do, so do it.

Laugh it off in public as you discuss it with equally insecure friends, seeking reassurance and not finding it from those as broken as you. 

Tell yourself this is your Life. As it should be. 

Work and Passion

Don’t be a bitch. I know that Lady wrote that book about why men love bitches but I promise you, it’s a lie.  You’ll just be the assertive..I mean, angry..woman  bitch in the office earning more than the men, skipping between your e-mail tab and your vibrator order form.  

You don’t need success in the workplace. Come on, we leave that for Beyonce. You, dear honey, sweet thing, only need to do enough to get by. You might mess around and actually achieve all you want, which might in turn scare all your potential suitors, meaning you’ll be alone and shame your parents. Don’t do it.

When applying for a job, put the basics. “Works well with others..Can work for long periods of time without supervision” you know, that. Don’t appear spectacular. Don’t show the world you actually can do anything, and do it exceptionally well at that. That’s showing off, at the very least, being proud, and that, Lady considering speaking out of turn, is for men. Confidence and drive are for men.

They don’t call it having “balls” for no reason. 

Be modest.

Be chaste. 

Say you aren’t as amazing as you are.

Say your work isn’t all that good.

Say the world could do without what you contribute it. 

People will love you. 

– Signed with Love,

Society and The Patriarchy 

 

They will love that you’re a woman who “knows her place”.  One who they don’t deem threatening, one who won’t change anything. A safe place.

They will adore you.

They will love you so much they’ll all pile onto you at once, seeking to get a piece of you, ripping you apart and keeping souvenirs. 

Some will take your last bit of Confidence. Others your hope. Others your sense of Self. Everyone will have pieces of you and all you will have left is your reflection.

But hey, at least they’ll love you, right? 

Right?

 

 

Things I’ll probably never fully understand: Men, Race and Gender

  1. What it’s like to be  a Man

It’s easy to complain about men’s behaviour isn’t it? So many of them mess up so effortlessly when interacting with women.  If one isn’t calling you a bitch he’s groping you or one of the straight ones is going on about how “homos” are an abomination. They’re quick to point out how they don’t do certain things because they’re “not bitches”, think feminists “are just angry lesbians” and when out, it’s shocking to find one who isn’t getting sloppy drunk, sexually harassing a woman or looking for a fight.

Now no, I’m not saying that ALL men do this, I’m saying a lot do. Too many.

And some genuinely have no remorse. Some think this is what it means to be a Man.  Some are unwilling to grow.

Why? Because this  is what they’ve been taught it means to be a Real Man. These are the thoughts that’ve been ingrained into their minds.

A man doesn’t cry.

A man doesn’t read books that aren’t about nude women, sex or money.  Wondering about the World and feelings is for women and homosexuals.

Nobody’s opinion matters more than a heterosexual man’s.

You need to be your own man, but only as long as your father and society approves.

Do not feel. Do not think anything you haven’t been told to think. Do not be anything other than what you’ve been told to be.

And a lot of men refuse to acknowledge that they aren’t living for themselves. That they live with a chronic fear of being considered feminine because, whether they’ll admit it or not they believe a woman is a horrible thing to be.  That it gets heavy sometimes, having to always be on your toes because someone may catch you slipping and wearing pink, only to question your sexuality.

That they’re often confused and feel confined by the word “Man.”

With the help of one, I have little difficulty understanding their experiences and their behaviour. I encourage my male friends to explore their feelings. To be honest about their desires, their fears and their dreams. To draw the line between What Society Wants and their Wants.  And there, I’ve found a lot of pain. A lot of confusion.

A lot of women are guilty of stripping males of their humanity too. Girlfriends who laugh when their partners cry or confide in them, mothers who tell their sons to “man up”, there’s always someone ready to continue the process of dehumanizing the Man, and yet who complains when said Man begins to act like the animal he’s been led to believe he is.

Men need healing too. They need acceptance too and for us to acknowledge their struggles with identity etc. They need to be taught.

I know some of you, especially women, are reading this and saying “Well they don’t do that for us” and I know, they don’t. Some of them are lost causes. But some men really do want to be better. They know there’s more to Life than being “Real”. If you come across one, nurture them. Is all I’m saying.

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2.  What it’s like to be Black, In America

“Diaspora”. I first heard the word in High School as my History teacher discussed “the African diaspora”. The conversation led to how hard life must be for Black people  in America. We all rolled our eyes.

What was he on? Evidently someone didn’t listen to Hip Hop. Hadn’t he seen all the sexy women with long weaves chilling outsides their yards, hanging out with their high yella lovers as kids played on the streets and expensive cars passed by with drug dealers behind the seat? Hadn’t he ever witnessed that Utopia? Well..yeah..random shoot outs would occur and that was sad..Yes, Tupac said it was rough over there but..It couldn’t be THAT bad, right? Right?

We thought for a long time that because America was “civilized”, because everything that we knew to symbolize success came from there or was somehow connected to it and the American Dream, it wasn’t possible for anyone to be unhappy there.

We thought Black Americans were ungrateful.

You need to understand, we got to see them through the eyes of the privileged White people who create the shows and the videos.

So we thought: Thugs. Prostitutes. Crackheads. Drug dealers. A few trying to make it out of the hood. Black on Black violence.  Unappreciative. Lazy.

We were led to believe the circumstances that many live under were of their own doing. That America, the land of Milk and Honey, provided equal opportunities to everyone. Everything was there, the Blacks just wouldn’t get up and take it because they still believed they were victims, that they were still being oppressed.

Delusional Blacks, living in the past. Tut tut.

It wasn’t until I stopped paying attention to the media that I began to somewhat understand the effects of oppression, the difference between what Is and What’s Shown etc. Social networking sites began my growth as a person, as a person of colour, as a woman, and for that, I’m eternally grateful. Meeting and interacting with not just African Americans but Black South Africans and hearing their stories made me appreciate my country and experiences that much more, as I understood theirs.

Botswana’s never really had any hostile experiences. Our country’s filled with Batswana and to be honest, most of us are shocked to see White people among us walking.  They’re an addition to our society, we aren’t an addition to theirs. We don’t know what it’s like to be Othered.  To be treated as Less Than. To be viewed as parasites in our own Land.

When the Trayvon Martin case began, some ignored it because they felt many more kids had been murdered, why focus on one? But I remember someone saying it would be an iconic case and we all waited to see whether that would be true.

Zimmerman was acquitted.

The case was simple. We all knew.

He saw a young Black man walking, he stalked him, confronted him and murdered him.

And he was let go.

It’s not that we didn’t know chances were this would occur, it’s that many were hoping it wouldn’t.

Now?

The racists are coming out to play.

Black boys are scared.

The Black community is outraged.

Simply, the facade is falling apart.

I cried.

I still do.

It’s heavy. It’s heavy on the heart and it’s heavy on the Soul.

I continue to watch this all unravel.

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3. What it’s like to feel like a stranger in your own body

Growing up I thought you were either a man or a woman. It was that simple to many. If you’re a woman, act like one, is you’re a man, act like one.

I didn’t acknowledge the Trans community til later on in Life, and even then, even now, it’s still something I’m learning about. Someone explained it to me simply “I just don’t feel comfortable this way. It doesn’t feel like who I am. Who I should be” and it’s something I still think about.

To a lot of people, the fact that they can’t relate means they should  reject something.  I thinks it’s silly.  I don’t relate to your struggle but that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t understand it.

One of my closest friends is undergoing hormone treatment. When she told me she intended to go along with it, she was cautious. I could shun her. I could tell her it was a waste. I could tell her anything that would dismiss her feelings and crush her spirit. I understood why she tiptoed around it.

My main concern? Was she sure? Would it make her happy? Then sure.

We already live in a society that’s dismissive, you don’t need to be one more person who’s a total asshole to  people because they aren’t like/don’t feel like you.

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I’ve had my own experiences as an African Cisgender Woman, and I am always aware of what and who I am. I appreciate it. But I’m always fully aware of the fact that there are so many more stories out there. An endless array of feelings and experiences that I’ll never fully feel, and I appreciate that too.

The World is larger and more diverse than your existence and your experiences, I’ve learned.

On bad parenting. [Excuse my French.]

As a child, you learn, maybe, to accept the fact that your parents are people too, in order to shield yourself from all the disappointment.  By telling yourself “They’re people too, they’ll fuck up” the things they do don’t hurt so bad.  Sometimes however, they just don’t give a fuck.  They take your maturity for granted and use it as an excuse to shrug off parental obligations.

 People tend to think kids are the needy, deceitful, manipulative ones.. You haven’t met some of these parents hey.  Some parents will shamelessly rob their kids of the beauty of youth. Teach them to hate, to belittle..pass their venom onto them.  Use them for their own selfish bullshit.

 

Oh but let the child attempt to get out of it..To stop being a pawn..To no longer carry them.. The child is “ungrateful”, “doesn’t understand”, is getting involved in things that “aren’t their business”.

 There’re a few things that I hate about this family shit, and I hardly ever use the word “hate”.  

I don’t like that these people feel like you owe them your time, energy..And that they think they can take it and it’s whatever. That you’re somehow indebted to them simply because of a surname/DNA/your gender etc

I don’t like the expectation.

I don’t like the forced bonds.

I don’t like that sometimes, you can’t do anything about anything, for whatever reason.

I don’t want it. I don’t want to have relationships forced on to me.

I don’t like cooking when I’m not hungry. You’re hungry, fix that.

The “has your father eaten?” question like he isn’t able bodied. I don’t know.

The fact that the men will sit, the whole day on a couch, waiting. For food, for attention..anything..Just waiting. And it’s fine.

The “You can’t do that/act that way, you’re a woman” shit.

But most of all..

That everyone, everyone wants to create you for their own personal, selfish reasons.

Man, I hate this shit.

They also don’t know how to leave people alone. They smother you with their mess and call it love.

I hate always having to tell people where I am or where I’m going..It doesn’t matter. I’m gonna lie anyway.

“Where were you?” Does it matter? Am I dead?

These people that you’re born with aren’t always your “family”. Fuck around and end up trying to learn to love toxic people.

They don’t go away, they don’t leave you alone, they don’t let you grow [into what you wanna be].

I am mad as shit at shit I never discuss. Seething.

 

– Courtesy of my Twitter timeline. A bit crude, I know. But I was rather bothered. 

Mama said

  1. Never show a man you love him too much. They will see this and take advantage of it knowing you won’t leave.
  2. Never love a man too much i.e more than yourself. He can never give you more than you can give yourself for as long as you can.
  3. When you cook maize meal, add a bit of salt and oil.
  4. Your marriage won’t be worth much if your partner isn’t worth much. If you insist on settling down, let your partner build you.
  5. Take care of your body. Especially your figure and your skin. Your whole appearance as a Woman shows how you feel about yourself and has the power to give you the confidence you need.
  6. Buy attractive lingerie for yourself, not to show it off to someone else.
  7. Family is everything. Friends come and go but if you find those worth keeping, do so. 
  8. Never let another person steal your joy. 
  9. Buy pretty bedding.
  10. Sometimes you need to pray. [Or as I call it, Talk to the Air.]

 

Sound advice, she’s tried.

 

But as I found myself thinking about my future children, especially my daughters, I grew distressed trying to figure out what to teach them and how.

See, I believe my mother didn’t teach me what I feel my daughter should know. And I understand why. For her, some of the greatest lessons have come about through trial and error and being reactive to certain situations which, probably could have been avoided had one of us been proactive, but I understand because she isn’t as vocal as I am and hope to be by the time I have kids. 

She didn’t tell me that boys would lie until I’d already been lied to and led down undesirable paths in the name of Love.

She didn’t prepare me for the emotional Beast I’d become once a month when my hormones kick in.  The Education system failed me here too. Y’all just made it seem like a bit of bleeding, not cramps that feel like a kick to the vagina resulting in what looks like a Spartan battlefield on a good/bad day. The anger, emotional texts to Ex’s [although that could just be me] none of that.

She didn’t tell me that as a female, you’re a walking target. I guess I understand why. My mother doesn’t really see things the way that I do. She still victim blames, I admit, but a lot of her generation does. Also, I doubt she would have wanted me to grow up looking over my shoulder expecting to have something happen but, I feel it’s something every girl should know. Rather rob them of their childhood with honesty than have them end up in a situation far worse because they were naive.

Pregnancy scares. We don’t discuss those obviously. I doubt we ever will, but I want to with my daughter. I guess we’ll squeeze it into the Sex Talk.  One of the few times we discussed pregnancy I brought up abortion and my mother was mortified. “We don’t kill what God creates” she said. I laughed and said those are her views and we’d need to be logical and consider whether bringing a child into the world would be the best thing. She said I was speaking like the Devil, which amused me. I know though that I don’t want my daughter feeling obligated to keep a child because of emotional blackmail. I want her, should she find herself in that position, to make an informed decision.

She never told me to know when to leave a man, I found that out the hard way.  

I learned that one should avoid patriarchal men like the plague out in the world too. My daughter will know the same. Although I guess the “Have a partner who builds you” part covered that.

Cook because you want to, not because you have to, for someone else. I hate that. Having to interrupt your time of doing Peaceful Nothing to fix a meal for someone who’ll probably decide it’s not worth it and sleep by the time you’re done. 

I believe Sundays are peaceful. For solitude and everything else you want. Sundays are Selfish days, to be worshiped. I’ll tell my daughter. 

Mama always wanted a happy family that bonds over dinner and cooks together and laughs all the time and such. We are the exact opposite. She knows her children love her but I always tell her, personally, I don’t feel the need to always be in my family’s presence. I spend a fair amount of time alone and there isn’t anything wrong. She says it’ll lead to me being in an unhappy household, I tell her I don’t want to raise kids  who are dependent on another person for comfort, it’s simply how I am. 

I drink quite a bit. I drink when I’m sad, when I’m happy and when I’m excited. No, it isn’t as often as you may think, but beer, wine, straights, they all get a pass with me. And no I don’t get sloppy drunk unless I’m home and with close friends, and even then, I never want to because I always want to know everyone is alright. My mother drinks a few glasses of wine every two months and thinks I’m an alcoholic. Dear Future Daughter, drink if you want to, just don’t be a fuck up.

Religion. If you haven’t figured it out by now, she’s religious. Christian. I was once, and then I read too many books and thought too much to continue believing in a White man in the Sky and virgins giving birth to Saviors. I hope my daughter isn’t religious, I won’t lie. Spiritual, yes please. But that’s her choice to make. 

Sexuality. I’m guessing you can figure out mother’s views on that. Marriage, monogamy, kids, the basics. I still have to explain to her how gay people have sex sometimes when she’s drunk and curious but thank god she’s not a homophobe. I want my daughter to do with her body as she pleases, to own herself.

I will stress the importance of an education. Not just degrees, they’re nice, but to be smart and know the world, understand people, understand yourself. Nothing’s more depressing than a person with a degree and an empty head, there’re too many running around.

I want her to know she’s always stronger than she knows and sometimes, than she wants to be, and her mother was too. 

I want her to know that Love is everything. And true Love, for anything or anyone, should never leave you feeling Less Than in anyway. 

And that mistakes happen and there is no shame in Living. 

I hope I raise a little Warrior. A beauty. An Amazonian Princess honestly. A woman who could have held her own had she been born in Sparta. Someone like Cleopatra. One who walks with pride and is firm in her knowledge of Self and depends on no none, needs no one, who isn’t worth it. I hope I raise a Queen who unfortunately, will know loneliness because those of her kind will be rare in society, but I know she will seek out and find comfort in like minded people.

I know a fair amount of the lessons will come about as me being reactive too. I realize that with parenting. I appreciate what my mother has taught me and what she kept from me, she was doing the best she could and I will do the same. Maybe one day my daughter too will point out what I could’ve taught her but didn’t. And that’s alright.

The whole point of relationships is to learn. My mother has taught me and I have taught her. Lessons I hope we both spread out into the world. 

Lessons of Love. 

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Getting Bi

“I don’t understand bisexual people. They’re greedy. Unnatural too. How can you be attracted to both sexes? No. It’s just wrong.”

Every morning I wake up and wish people wouldn’t speak unless they had something worth listening to to say. Every morning I realize people cling on to their ignorance with all they have.

Is it wrong for me to think there’s a slight case of homophobia coming from those who are against bisexual people? Because the issue isn’t that you’re a woman attracted to men, it’s that you’re a woman attracted to men, AND women, or vice versa in the case of bisexual males. 

Personally I’ve always known I was attracted to both sexes. It’s never been taboo to me because growing up I just was, what society told me was right/wrong only really became a factor later on in life and even then, as I reached my teens, I found myself quite resistant to having my desires  placed in a box by people I considered bland.

As I’ve grown I’ve encountered all kinds of people. The “You can’t be bisexual, you’re Black, that’s a White thing” people. The “You probably just want an excuse to be a whore” people.  The “Oh..That’s dope. Call your other friends who’re like you and let’s have a threesome” men, there’s never a shortage of those. And mostly the “No, you’re confused. You just need the right man” people. 

How hard is it to understand that as you love a man, another man loves another man? As you love a woman, another woman loves another woman? What you see in their sex, another of the same sex does too. What is so mind blowing about affection? What about attraction can’t be explained?

I’ve found that it’s harder to be a bisexual male than a female though.  Bisexual females are considered freaks, nymphs. Very few people have an issue with them. Due to the fact that masculinity is basically placed next to Godliness by most people, the moment a male even exhibits any sign of comfort with his desires/habits other men are quick to label him effeminate, and bash him because of his “bitch like” behaviour. I mean, we’re the generation that decided we could determine a person’s sexual orientation by what colour shoes he wears. 

I have very few straight friends. Most of them are either bisexual, gay or lesbian. It’s not that I went and handpicked them based on their sexual orientation, it’s just that they have a better understanding of things, tolerance, they are way more open minded than a lot of the straight people I know and when it comes to the growth process, I’d prefer to have people around me who will understand and reassure when it’s necessary rather than those who will tell me how I “should” be.

I had someone at some point come to me and tell me “You have too many gay friends” to which I responded “You have too many straight friends.” He was rather hostile to all the people I brought around and I figured out why but waited for him to tell me. Eventually he got drunk and tearfully told me he was bisexual, although his attraction to males was stronger than his attraction to females, but was forced to act straight because he feared rejection from his friends, family and fan base [He’s a rapper]. I understood why and I promise you after we discussed it and he realized I was rather uninterested in judging him for the man he is, he was, and still is, noticeably happier. 

I wish a lot of people understood from an early age that most people are simpletons. They do not think because they think it’s not their place to. They do not accept what’s new unless everyone else does and nobody’s ever willing to be the pioneer when they know they will face resistance. People are quick to live by a book written thousands of years ago but will never look into the history of those who actually LIVED thousands of years ago. They don’t want to believe homosexuality predates their religious doctrines. That there were other civilizations other than the ones they write about. It’s too much for them to consider.

There’s nothing unnatural about how you are. Ignorance is unnatural as far as I’m concerned. There is no reason to feel shame for who you are. None. There is no deity who will detest you for being as you are if you believe you’re it’s creation and were made in it’s image. There is no “tolerant, loving” religion that will not let you be. There is nothing new nor different nor unacceptable about you. 

As the saying goes though “there’s nothing new under the sun”. We should accept that there will always be people who will not be willing to let others live as they please, even if it harms no one. There will always be those who will refuse logic and want to live as they’ve been told to. But they have nothing to do with you. Be. Just be. As I like to say, shame is for the ugly. 

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The reality of being a woman in a “forward thinking, free” society.

So I’ve been reading on the Oscar Pistorius case and I’m genuinely shocked at how brutal the murder was. My heart breaks with every new detail because I wonder, what was this girl going through that she hid so well? Can you imagine what it must have been like to be with someone and have to put on that brave face and grin and take it because you’re in the public eye?

I can relate, but I doubt if what I think even comes close to what was. 

It’s just that..Reeva now is acknowledged as The Victim..But a part of me believes society only acknowledges this because of the fact that she is dead. Had she made it through, had this not occurred and had she gone forward and told people he abused her, she would have been the bitch who sought to tarnish the reputation of a Star, a National Treasure even. She would not have gotten sympathy and we know it.

It’s not that people don’t know others get abused, they do, but because they think it’s nothing but a slap, one punch, nothing too tragic, nothing to cause a confrontation over, they don’t get involved. 

It’s not possible for people around them to not have known. Especially people who knew him. But of course it’s easier to attempt to keep his image clean than admit you knew and say you stood by and watched.

He crushed her skull. He chased her around and shot at her. He shot her. He killed her. 

They had been in bed together and whatever had happened, he did that to her. 

Articles cover his accomplishments. “What could have caused this? Oh my. Who knew? We’re so sad..” Her? She gets about 3 lines talking about her life. Because I don’t even think they view her as an actual PERSON. They try to make it seem so..But they fail dismally. She is nothing but another victim, but before that she is The Woman Who Caused Pistorius’ Downfall, to many.

Frankly I never really gave a fuck about who he is. I think viewing him as a celebrity/icon means we think his circumstances were special and some shit we couldn’t understand. Thus he won’t be judged as a mere Man.  People wanna cry but overlook the man who burns his family in a house in Soweto or the one who stabs his wife to death in Francistown over bread..The one in India who pours boiling water on his wife for bringing his food cold. Why? Because they remain nameless to society. Who are they and what did they do other than ruin [another] woman’s life?

We’re so used to women being victims that we only really notice when something incredibly heinous happens, and even then, it gets our attention for a minute.  Women cry, complain, march..And then? Something else happens and we have to switch up to the new victim. 

This is the reality of being a woman in a “forward thinking, free” society. 

Patriarchal men and their way of thinking still owns most of us and our mothers.  Because at the end of the day we’re viewed as expendable, replaceable, we still really don’t matter until it’s convenient for us to. 

 

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“My man comes before the children.”

I battle with the fact that there are mothers who will pick their husbands over their children. I don’t know how it works. I know wealthy, successful women who treat their children like trash and will do anything, anything for their abusive husbands.  I guess things never go well when people mistake emotional dependency for love.

 

See the thing is, I think women by now should know that romantic relationships can end. How many people have you dated that you thought would be The Last?  How many friends have you had that you lost over nonsense? Now, when it comes to family, especially extended family members but this counts for nuclear family members too..I think we love each other because we should. We don’t have a choice. We’re confined together and happen to be related so we feel the need to get along, and due to the fact that we interact so often, we grow to like each other, then love I guess. Sometimes.

But that’s with people who didn’t come out of you. People you didn’t nurse. Didn’t carry. Only have a somewhat superficial relationship with. When a woman clings to her man more than her children..I’m both saddened and disgusted.  

 

I had this friend who was born to her mother out of wedlock before her mother met and married another man. The two succeeded in their respective career paths and are now quite wealthy, with two children who came after her first daughter.  From the outside honestly things look lovely and I personally wouldn’t believe some of the things that went on in that household had I not seen some of it. 

This young Lady’s mother would pounce on her at any given time and choke her daughter. She was convinced she was trying to “take her man” and would constantly tell her daughter “If anything ever happened I’m choosing my husband and children over you.”  Now this girl was beautiful, intelligent too and yet she never got the opportunity to shine because whenever she did anything good, her mother would take the opportunity to strike her down, either verbally of physically.  She was constantly told she wasn’t worth anything and would constantly break down at school. Frankly some of us were convinced she was a tad bit crazy but looking back now, what seemed surreal back then is probably a common occurrence.

Noticing her mother’s obvious distaste for her child her step father took to molesting her and would constantly remind her that if she told, her mother would never believe her. And the painful thing is, we all knew it to be true.

It’s very hard to extract yourself from painful situations when you live in that environment. Nobody is raised to believe a family is meant to be anything but Happy, but experience teaches you otherwise. I’m not sure if it’s easier to accept these things when you’re younger or older but..It is what it is.

Maybe I don’t understand. I am not a mother. Maybe there are circumstances I can’t relate to and I’m being a judgmental being. But this is my opinion. This is how I feel.

My father and I don’t have much of a relationship. Despite the fact that we live together, we haven’t said anything more than “Dumelang” to each other since before Christmas. I’m not about to tell you why, it’s not relevant, but I will tell you what I learned about “Love”,marriage and respect from one experience.

 

When I was in High School I came home tipsy one evening. It wasn’t that late, but it was later than usual.  I was probably 15 and according to my parents I had already started a downward spiral into whatever Hell they thought a little Black girl could end up in.  

My father called me into their room and my mother was there. He proceeded to tell me why he didn’t like my behaviour and everything was fine, I understood where he was coming from, til he got mad. At some point during his tirade he said to me “You’re never going to be anything. I can tell. You’re going to grow up to be a prostitute selling your body for alcohol and I’m ashamed I even have to share my name with you. I should’ve let you die when I had the opportunity to tell the doctors to.” [I was a breech baby.  And my mother had a particularly hard time during my birth. At some point the doctors believed neither of us would survive] Anyway,at this point I begin to cry, bawl really. I wasn’t ready for that. Not in the least. A teenager had come home slightly tipsy to that. But at that point what really ripped me apart was the fact that my mother never once defended me or told him he was out of order. I was young, I did not have a voice then and could do nothing but cry. She, was closer to his equal than I was. Instead she turned away and waited for him to finish. I sat there well after he was done, waiting..and she still said nothing. I walked to my room with the realization that I was not the one. In the end, my tears had done nothing and she had let him say what he did. I was second to a man she didn’t even need in her Life.  And I’m not sure how I feel about that to this day.

I spoke to her about it much later and she said she “couldn’t” say anything because he had to discipline me and it was not her place to go against anything he said. That time, that moment there, was probably when I started giving a fuck less about marriage and obedience.

I don’t think obedience is an excuse. I don’t think one can hide behind “respect”.  I think it’s pathetic and sad. And no good can come from mistaking emotional dependency for Love. None. 

I also wonder if it’s ever worth it.. Because in the end you know you’re merely grovelling for affection from someone who has no time for you,and you’re turning away from what really HAS a connection to you, to beg. I don’t know if it could ever be easy, nor if it’s ever necessary. I think not. 

We DO love them Ho’s

I love women.

I love strippers, housewives, prostitutes, nuns and ho’s.  I want the best for them all, whether that means going to med school or being a porn star til you make enough to retire. I respect them, I adore them, I admire them.

But this does not stop me from screaming out “Bitches ain’t shit but ho’s and tricks” when the track comes on..Yes, I do want a big booty ho for my birthday and Juicy J gets me hype as hell.

Now anyone who listens to Hip Hop would understand why it’s considered ideal for misogynists.  The lyrics are mostly derogatory towards women, or rather, “bitches”.

“I just fuck her, let you love her.” -King Louie

“I don’t respect no brain unless we talkin’ that saliva spit,
Ho I got a lot of bread, lot of whips, lot of chicks,
You can be demolished then be gone without acknowledgement..” -Wale

“I never met a bitch that didn’t need a little guidance..” – Pusha T

“You see, me and my homies like to play this game
We call it Amtrak but some call it the train
We all would line up in a single-file line
And take our turns at waxing girls’ behinds..” – 2 Live Crew

Bitches are, mainly, sex objects, This is made apparent not only by the lyrics, but by the music videos too. Attractive women are recruited to play out the fantasies the lyrics sold in the first place. Lesbian scenes to excite the masses, scantily clad females shaking ass and looking like they enjoy it. They feed into our fantasies while still making us uncomfortable, because we know..That’s someone’s sister. Someone’s mother maybe. Definitely someone’s daughter. And these men saying these things, are of our ethnicity. They are of our tribe and this is not some random man from afar calling you a Nappy Headed Ho, it’s someone with equally nappy hair.

As my politically correct side and my ratchet side collided, I began to make up excuses in my head of why I should in fact continue listening to these men who tell me to “bus’ this pussy open” and how, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t really matter. My PC side reminded me that I am a Black woman and by being a part of this, I’m allowing them to continue the breakdown of Black women and spread misogyny and patriarchy.

It was a tough call.

As I sat I thought..

Black men can’t REALLY hate us. I mean, on the surface it looks like it, but do they really?

They verbally abuse and degrade these women on a grand scale. Granted, the women place themselves in these situations but as they themselves often say. “A bitch gotta eat.”

Looking at these men, most are married to or in relationships with Black women. Snoop Dogg, Ice Cube, Dr Luke, Wiz Khalifa.. Despite their “Bitches ain’t shit” crap, they have stable homes with the very women we’d expect them to be shunning.

On that note, we get to the ‘Ho’s.  Strippers are big right now. No rap video worth it’s salt doesn’t have at least 5 of them twerking, gyrating and doing splits. You’d think after the video shoots these women would be discarded,no? These are the ones society would consider the true Ho’s,I mean, they take off their clothes for money. Nope. Wrong.

Wiz Khalifa is currently expecting a child with Amber Rose, a former stripper who was previously with Kanye West and has been linked to Fabolous and Chris Brown among others. Kanye West himself is now expecting a baby with self made Millionaire Kim Kardashian who shot to fame after her sex tape with Ray J leaked. Tyga has a child with Blac Chyna, a former stripper. Drake doesn’t hide his adoration for them, and has been linked to Maliah Michel, Kyra Chaos and Bria Myles, a video vixen. Lil Wayne has been quoted as saying Karrine Steffans AKA SupaHead is the love of his life and supposedly wrote his song Prostitute about her.

These are the bitches and ho’s they supposedly don’t care about.  They are the women they’re looking after and loving. Rappers go to strip clubs and spend thousands and we think they’re treating these women like objects, which may be true but in the grand scheme of things, these women take home this money to feed their kids. They pay their bills and build lives by what they get from these men who supposedly hate them.

These Black men who, granted, on a public forum don’t really do much praising, are, in action helping out, providing for and supporting these Black women. Wale went and placed one of the female characters in Ambitious Girl as a stripper.

I had to look beyond the blatant bullshit and wonder, are these men really just doing this to eat? I mean, we all know, it’s hard for the darker race over there. You have to be a puppet to survive..Is that what’s up? And if so, maybe, as Wayne said, I can “pop my pussy for a real nigga” and it won’t be that much of an issue. Because he doesn’t REALLY think I’m nothing but a “big booty ho”. When the song’s done,I’ll go back to being an attractive, intelligent female. It could be pipe dreams. But at the same time, there’s always more than meets the eye.

[On that note, I suggest you check out this 4 part documentary on Strippers [Power of Pussy] here. It looks at the challenges they face and the misconceptions they seek to clear up. There’s lots of ass and beautiful women in there too. Enjoy]

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