polyamorous relationships

The Ladies Guide To Dating Multiple Men

Or should I say “How to get Society to label you a Ho?”

Let’s not pretend it’s not logical or even something some of us desire.  Sometimes, you simply want the company and attention of more than one man, and you have the right to get what you want, no? 

As women we aren’t all seeking to be wifed up and baking for The One. Life is like a box of chocolates, and so are men.  You never know what you might get, but it’s up to you which ones you taste and swallow. 

1. What Do You Want?

Do you want to “play the field” or are you seeking a partner to settle with? Do you simply enjoy feeling wanted? WHY do you want this? Knowing this is very important and will guide you when you reach a few snags along the way.  It’s kind of like, starting the gym and having that one picture that reminds you exactly why you do this everyday. Except a lot less, mechanical and calculated. 

2. How Do You Want It?

In the event that you’re in this for the fun of it, it’s quite important to remember that and never cross certain emotional boundaries.  If all you want out of someone is their company and possibly sex, avoid being the “I know we aren’t together but where were you last week I heard you were seen with a Lady” person.  Of course you may feel territorial, it happens, but with enough suitors you’ll find it happens less and less.

If you’re seeking a partner, it’s a different process.  Approach these men with the intent to learn about them before you’re ready to stick the “Boyfriend/Lover” label on them. Looks aren’t enough here, nor are basics manners. You can choose whomever you want , in no rush. Don’t feel the need to snag the prettiest man, or the funniest, even if you aren’t compatible. 

Take the time to weigh your options.

3. R.E.S.P.E.C.T

Avoid men who want to shame you or box you in, period.  These are decisions that you’re making about your Life based on your desires.  Seek companions who respect that, and you. 

You too should respect them and that they may be doing the same thing.

We’re all adults at this point and should feel free to lay expectations on the table. We don’t need to waste each other’s time nor drag people along who don’t understand nor feel comfortable on the ride. 

4. Discretion 

Is the first “D” you should get. No one needs to know your business. Oftentimes one finds themselves sharing every sexual experience, date and glance with friends, and really, we don’t need to do this. 

Granted, there are things you might want to share, and really feel free to. But not everything. It isn’t always necessary and it isn’t always advisable

5. Act like a Human Being, Think like a Human Being

This is not a mind game.  The plan isn’t to have minions and sex slaves clamoring for your time and adoration. 

I am not Steve Harvey and you are not stupid.

Rational, emotional human beings aren’t to be pulled into situations and treated like dirt.

6. Control

You are always in control. You decide what you want, what you can handle and what you’d rather not have. The people in your Life are those who you’ve sought out and accepted. Keep this in mind and treat them accordingly.

7. The sex

Due to society looking down on a woman who lets ANY penis into her, you might find it hard to get intimate with these partners. I say in that case, think of this as a dance rather than a gangbang. You waltz with one dick here, twerk on another there. 

A woman’s sexuality is only truly in her hands when she takes it back from society’s mold and reshapes it herself. 

You can fuck them all if you want to. 

At the same time, if they agree. 

And that’s all you.

It won’t change the world. 

It won’t bring back Jesus.

It simply will Be.

 

 

Who you choose to date, how and why is all up to you.  The fact that people have an opinion on it doesn’t mean that they have a say in it.  You have the right to know how many licks it takes to get to the center of the O, and what kind of different Licks exist, after sushi and wine.

And remember: Shame is an inherited emotion meant for ugly people. 

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[An]other Woman: The Sidechick’s POV

“I don’t know why you do that, you deserve so much better.”

And I wonder what “better” is.

 

It occurred to me a while ago that some women aren’t meant to be The Wife. 

It’s not simply that we don’t WANT to be. Nor that we’re unable to be, it’s just..If we won’t do it? Who will?

Live as we please, that is. 

I’ve been a girlfriend. I’ve been committed, I’ve loved and I’ve cheated, and for a while now, I’ve known my place as the Sidechick.  I am not ashamed nor do I feel robbed, and this is something many around me don’t understand. 

“No one believes that a woman can be truly happy in something that is not a roses-delivered-to-your-office kind of relationship.” – Jessica Tholmer

I’ve been wondering whether it’s better to be the Sidechick or the happily naive girlfriend/wife. I haven’t come up with a conclusion yet but I can give my point of view and this is it.

I am content with the situation. 

I personally would rather know where everything stands rather than be happy in oblivion, and for a lot of people, that’s selling myself short. To a lot of people, I could easily be labelled a ho or a home wrecker or be dismissed as someone seeking attention in unsavory ways, but I assure you, I’m not.

I feel like his relationship has nothing to do with me. It’s that simple. She has nothing to do with me and I with her, we simply share a man, who in turn honestly only belongs to himself. His deceit is his own and the lies he tells her come from his mouth. What they share is theirs and the same applies for us.

 

If you met someone who understands you, and who you understood could not be tied down, could not be made into what YOU want them to be for you, what would you do? Actually, if you met someone who was just right, why would you want to make them into something they’re not? See, I wrote about this before, and nothing’s changed. 

You cannot own a human being. Nor can you really be angry when they deceive you because you wanted so desperately for them to be something for you that you dragged them into your own world and forced them to stay there. 

It sounds odd even as I type it. For a man should be free, and strong enough to express his desires and not walk into situations he doesn’t want, but maybe some people are pleasers, or appeasers, I don’t know his point of view.

 

“When did you know you were meant to be the Sidechick?” I asked myself a week ago.  The answer has only just come. When the lovers who understood me best always belonged to their own bland lovers.  Why? Because they were people who are scared of being lonely, and finding someone to attach to yourself, even if they bore you, was good enough for them in a way.

 

“Aren’t you ashamed?”

What is there to be ashamed of? Adults making selfish decisions happens all the time. We are all self centered. 

While discussing a married close relative’s lover with a friend he said “You should go sort her out..Or ask her not to go out with him. Ask her to go.” And I didn’t understand why. She is living her life and basking in the adoration of a married man. That doesn’t bother me. What bothers me is how said married man seems to have lost his mind and is so infatuated with her that he no longer looks after his own family. And that too, is not her fault.

“Better”

Is “better” a monogamous relationship because from what I’ve heard it seems to be. It seems to be being with someone who’s “your own” and I don’t know why it has to be that someone being “your own” means putting it out there for the world to see with labels and Facebook relationship statuses.

I think a lot of people miss out on affection becomes they assume they only have one soulmate.  That love only has to come from one place all the time and that’s the only Truth.

Me? I just have an issue with not giving affection how and when I want. I have an issue with being stifled.  I have an issue with being Someone’s Something and that meaning Nothing.  I have an issue with what’s simple to me and said lover being an issue to everyone else.

“He treats you like he just picked you cos you happened to be there.” 

Someone said that to me and I laughed and simply responded with a “Naaaah.” Because I’m learning that certain levels of intimacy don’t need to be explained, rather felt. 

I feel like who or what he does has nothing to do with me as long as he is happy. Because what’s the point in allowing someone their freedom and claiming to love them, if you won’t let them Be?

 

“I dunno..I just love people, who cares?” – SW

The art of loving a travelling man

He said “There’s only one person I love. Myself, alone. I don’t want this other shit.” and I wondered why the girls who cry over him, do.

When you’ve heard a man express to you that he will always come first? Firstly, do you not hear him? Second, why burden yourself with the task of attempting to change him?

There are men who will never belong to you.   Men who do not take chances with affection and would sooner cut loose and forget about you than risk remembering your smile before he falls asleep. Men who will reach for you one moment and fold his arms up the next. And you have to remember that sometimes, it’s nothing personal. ‘

It’s not about him refusing to love You, it’s about him preserving His heart, in his eyes. You are merely a statistic, the faceless embodiment of possibilities that he is not willing to explore.

Often we assume that a man who will not cling to you, no matter how much he may seem to have an interest in you, is flawed. Why? Because we assume he’ll be back, he just needs time to “figure himself out”? We assume we will be the exception to the rule and we will change his Life by showing him the wonders of monogamy and the Beauty of faithful, committed love.

But have you ever once observed a man without expectation? Dated him, slept with him, and merely wanted to learn him as a human being that you interact with. Sometimes we get the most out of being a part of someone’s Life simply by being the observer.  The rocks on the shore that experience both the crashing waves and the water’s caress when at Peace, and still remain as they are, as it’s in their nature to be, stable. Sometimes the water’s turmoil is none of your business. Sometimes your mission is not to stop the crashing waves.

Which is why I listened when he said we were alright, and was only briefly annoyed when he left two days later.  I’d observed him long enough to know that what he’d said was a lie because he holds eye contact when he lies then breaks it quickly to hide the guilt. I wasn’t mad when he lashed out at me a week later because it had nothing to do with me, and so I laughed it off. I did not think of him for a month, he lived as he pleased, and when he saw it convenient, he called. We met. We argued. We drank. I went home. I felt my heart begin to get confused and my mind remind it that this was as it was. That we know him as he is and no, we will not be The One.

The One to teach him about Love, he has known it.

The One to tie him down, he has a mother to be committed to.

The One that got away, that spot’s taken.

We will not be The One to do anything but Be.

He said he loves it when girls get mad at him, and laughed. Why? Because he wants to know that he makes them feel what his Ex caused him to feel. I however, as I told him, am a narcissist who feels what she wants as she wants, and unlike the others, I do not stay mad.  I do not stay caring.

Like my friend.  She had similar experiences with him and continues to be angry, months later. She doesn’t understand why I can still speak to him, sit on his lap, share a cigarette with him and even look him in the eye, when she can’t.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with him. He’s twisted. Who does that?” she says, holding back tears that are months overdue.

I ask her if she didn’t see that he was self-centered from the beginning and she goes quiet.

Did she want to love him? I ask. She looks away.

I ask why, she says he was “nice”.

I ask why she didn’t just appreciate it and leave it at that.

You see, he may be self-centered but he remains respectful.  Apart from refusing to fall in love, there is nothing about him that would make a woman feel bad. Nothing that he says nor does in any way disrespects women, and yet many of us will choose to hate men like him simply because they can’t be tied down.

It doesn’t seem logical that we’re holding on to dreams we’ve been sold by The Notebook, controlled by a need to have a better half, to the point where we hate the people we can’t train and seduce into submission.

Do we even bother to get to know the people we so desperately want to be linked to? Do you  know what triggers him? Will you be able to accept that sometimes they will need to go? To be their own person? Will you trust them? Do you know that a relationship actually requires understanding and not just tagged Facebook pictures and Goodnight texts? Do you really?

Will you respect that person enough to let them Be? Even if that means not always Being with you.

Can you understand that sometimes being there for or with someone doesn’t always mean possessing them?

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What’s mine is mine, what’s yours is mine, and even YOU are mine

“The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it…” – Oscar Wilde

 

My friends think I’m anti monogamy.  This could be true. Just a little. I respect people enough to have them make their own decisions, I would just like them to know why they choose to live as they do.

I’ve only seen a handful of happy monogamous relationships. The people I know who are in them are either cheating, miserable or uninterested. It’s all a front. People stay together to be able to say “We’ve been together for 4 years” or because they look good together, sometimes for the simple fact that they don’t want to have to explain why the relationship didn’t work out.

They enter into relationships, but the relationship itself is never about them.

Do you really want to be with one person? Exclusively? 

Chances are,No. You don’t. How many people do you see in a day who you’re attracted to? How many people do you know who you wonder about? Plenty. And the more you realize you are, in a sense, locked up, the easier it will be to begin to resent your partner. Because  as far as you’re concerned, they’re keeping you from all the shit you could be experiencing, and nobody likes to feel stifled.

Most people consider open relationships taboo. Partly because we’ve been led to believe that Love means Ownership. We think that by being in a open/polyamorous relationship, we’re selling ourselves short and fear we in fact will not get the love and attention we deserve. The idea of having more than one partner is appealing when it comes to sexual matters, and even then, only in fantasies, but the idea of a romance is outlandish. Because a person can’t care about more than one person in that way now can they? Can they? And if so, should they?

Why are you in a monogamous relationship? Because you’ve been led to believe that’s the simplest, purest way to show affection for another human being? Self sacrifice? What makes you say “I’m going to ignore all my desires and settle down with you because that’s the right thing to do”?

Says who?

Polygamy and polyamory date back to ancient times. Before intimacy was shameful. Before people began wanting to “Live right” and be possessive. Before we were told God wants us to only have one partner.

Because people don’t communicate in fear of hurting other people, they end up miserable.  The very mention of other people will bring about feelings of inadequacy and tempers are likely to flare. It will be a case of “What? Aren’t I good enough?” as people forget they have their own desires they want to, and are being given the opportunity to explore.  “What will people say? It will look like I can’t handle my relationship”. Meh. 

Your relationship becomes jail and every anniversary a reminder of the sentence you’re serving as So and So’s partner.

I know a lot of people who cheat. It’s not that they don’t care about their partners. They love and respect them. They’re just unable to communicate the fact that they would like to not be exclusive, or  have stated this and got negative reactions.

People are miserable in their “Love”.  Because we’re out here policing other people’s genitals and being insecure and  misunderstanding. I find it amusing when you meet people who are open minded in every aspect of their lives but that one. It’s as if the World can be a part of, and alter, everything else in their lives, but that.

As far as I’m concerned, Love has no boundaries. Not when it comes to who you love, nor when, nor how.  But it took me a while to get to that way of thinking too, so maybe someday soon people will realize.

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