rape

We continue to say No:Why Akona Ndungane’s story still matters

The We Are The World days are long gone.  We’re currently smack in the middle of a culture that sees activism and story telling stripped from main art forms: music, literature, photography, painting etc.  I wouldn’t say stories aren’t still being told, of course they are, but not as honestly as they used to be.

And I guess I understand why.

As art becomes a business, image becomes [slightly more important than?] the craft itself.

For some. 

To those who continue to give us their truth, and teach, and inspire, and strengthen: Thank you.

 

 

I was going through my music collection when I found a gem.

The POWA  Mixtape. 

 

powa

 

 

 

Born from Akona Ndungane’s chilling account of her rape ordeal, POWA saw artists such as Tumi Molekane, Reason, Zaki Ibrahim, Zubz and Tuks, just to name a few, and Akona herself, collaborating to bring a project that will leave you emotionally wrecked, to say the least.

 

 

 

 

But it’s the truth.

It’s her truth.

And it’s the truth of many young women out there.

The reality of it is, we don’t talk about these things.

Society whispers to us to maybe, just maybe try and deal with the fact that this is our reality.  Few people have the lack of empathy and ingrained misogyny in them to say “Get the fuck over it. You’re walking targets and you will be preyed upon,”  but some do nonetheless and they really just verbally express what we’re shown.

It’s why sharing your rape story gets you stigma and shame, being shunned, instead of support.

It’s why people ask you what you did to deserve it before even considering that you aren’t the problem.

It’s why, when your partner rapes you, nobody calls it what it is, in their minds you signed over your rights to your body the moment you agreed to the relationship.

It’s why I’m writing this.

Because I can’t explain why I’m constantly crying at stories that other people tell me don’t affect me.

Because I’m constantly trying to explain to my male friends that at the very least, we live life constantly vigilant, if not terrified.

Because when I log on to Twitter it’s a shock to constantly see the number of women who share their stories of abuse.  It’s a bitter pill to swallow, that we’re all THIS connected… by trauma.  That we’ve formed a sisterhood because of all the things that’ve tried to break our spirits.

I’ve been an emotional wreck.

It’s not that it took me 5 years to realize that somebody violated me, it’s that there are countless other women who can either relate or never accept it, so never will.

It’s not that I know what I know, it’s that other women don’t.

It’s that I constantly have to find a new way to use everyday objects as a person.

I got excited when I found out that KEYS can be used for self defense.

 

Fucking. Keys.

 

That excited me.

And then it hit me how tragic that is.

 

 

Akona’s story, four years after it’s first telling, fourteen years after it happened, still needs to be told.

It needs to be repeated, felt, understood,for as long as is necessary.

Until our women aren’t being hunted anymore, until our men don’t think that’s a normal part of our lives, until the destruction of our society is halted.

But this is where we’re at now.

This is our reality, now.

 

Think about that.

Really think about it.

 

*Visit ISaidNo here

 

 

Tainted Love: Hell Is Empty And All The Devils Are Here

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Society hardly ever paints women as the aggressor or the manipulator in a relationship.  The  “Angry Black woman” is the main portrayal of a dissatisfied/uneasy woman in our circles, and so it’s all people have chosen to believe exists.  Evil, manipulation and destruction are kept for the males in a relationship.

And so the men who suffer at the hands of abusive women are often neglected.

Most of them don’t even know they’re being emotionally manipulated and scarred.  They are men who tried to love a restless woman and got caught up and dragged in her hurricane of a “love”.  The “good” men who met a woman who lost that part of her way before he came around and makes him suffer for it.  Men who are too “nice”, too hopeful to know when to leave.

Partners can be vindictive and try to package it as one of the things they do for love.  I’ll admit people love differently, but I’ve learned that certain forms of love leave you battered and bruised and some people never run out of apologies.

Excuses, excuses.

Abusive people never lack a sob story.  Reasons why they can’t help but hurt you. It’not them, it’s the fact that their father walked out on them.  It’s not that he’s a bad person, it’s that he constantly needs to “test” your love by doing things that emotionally cripple you.  She can’t help herself, the fact that you have female friends makes her do what she does.

It’s never them.

I dated a man for two years and watched him turn into someone I no longer recognized.  We were happy until we weren’t.  Until he started going through my phone and cussing me out for having male friends he didn’t know.  Until he started locking me in the house as he went about his ways because “If you leave the house you might meet another guy and leave me”.  Until he started kicking me out at odd hours of the night or in front of his friends.  Until I became something he wanted to keep around as a safety net and I realized his love meant taking out his frustrations and insecurities on the one thing he knew couldn’t leave him.

And don’t tell me I could have walked out.

It wasn’t easy when this was someone I’d invested that time into.  I believed I could love him better. I believed time would change everything and I believed every time he apologized, he meant it.  He really couldn’t help it.  I believed it really WAS because he was high or he treated me that way because he really WAS scared of losing me and he just COULDN’T be without me.

And who doesn’t want to feel needed?

Who doesn’t, deep down inside, want to be the saviour?

Who doesn’t want their relationship to overcome hurdles and survive?

Except abuse is not a hurdle to be overcome.  I learned that the day he tried to punch me and I moved as his fist connected with the wall.

That was it for me.  I realized like my father, like many men I know, he had reached the point of no return.  The point where he thought it was perfectly alright to strike me and his apology for that might heal my black eye.

It was time to go.  Time to walk out on the one person I had thought I was learning true love with.  Time to abandon what I knew because it was crippling me inside and trying to bruise me on the outside.

And fucking hell it wasn’t easy, but it was necessary.

Weeks later, while drinking with friends, my ex’s friend walked up to me, grinning like a Cheshire cat and said “Did you hear? Your ex updated his Facebook status and said he has HIV.  You should check that out.”

I’ve never sobered up that fast in my entire life.

I shook as I logged onto Facebook and read  what was there, plain as day:

“Hey guys. So I wanted to tell you that I have HIV but it’s cool. I’m still eating well and fucking these bitches raw, just as I’m supposed to.”

I was gutted.

Absolutely fucked.

His phone wouldn’t go through as I tried to reach him and nor did his sister’s.  My mind raced.  It must be true if I can’t reach him. He’s probably left town and gone to his parent’s to sort this out.  What the fuck am I going to do? How long has he known?

Everything within me seemed to stop.

I went to his house the next morning and there were new tenants there who informed me he’d left town, but he’d be back in a few days.

Those days dragged past.

When I finally saw him and asked him if it was true all he did was laugh and ask me if I wanted to fuck.

It amazed me how easily someone could turn on you when they have no claim to you anymore.

I spent the next week contemplating suicide and binge drinking, living in a friend’s dorm room.  I didn’t know how to explain to my mother that the man I’d treated my family like shit for might have knowingly given me the HI virus. I didn’t know what kind of future to plan, if at all.

I knew nothing.

The day when I finally decided I’d commit suicide, not having tested by the way because I was too scared to know, my friend came to me, looked at me, and told me “Bakang. You have to go talk to your mother about this. I can see you’re thinking some reckless shit and I’m not gonna let you fuck around and do some bullshit. Go see her. I’ll come with you if you want, if she kicks you out, come back here and we’ll figure something out. But go tell her.”

I walked into my mother’s office looking like I hadn’t had a proper meal in a week and I was having stress for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

I told her everything and for what wouldn’t be the last time, she looked at me dry eyed, hurt, shocked and tired.

We went for the test, discussed what we’d do if the results were positive and waited.

I was negative.

I called my ex immediately afterwards to tell him the results and his response floored me:

“Of course you’re negative. I was just fucking with you. I thought if I told you I had HIV you’d come back to me and we’d be together again.”

My mind stopped working.  This man, this man who’d treated me like shit and told me I was worthless had done ALL that, to spite me? To keep me? To break me then swoop in and save me?

How long was that gonna go on for?

Why would he even..?

But you know, I wasn’t mad. I couldn’t be. After all I’d gone through internally, I honestly couldn’t bring myself to get mad.

I went on with my shit.

I learned that desperate people will go to ANY length to keep those they’ve claimed as their own.  Some people are sick, internally.  They cover up their illness, their entitlement issues, insecurity and commitment issues, with excuses.  And “love” is always on that list.

I learned to avoid affection from people who bring me no peace.  And honestly, I can’t love people who honestly believe they don’t deserve affection, they will do ANYTHING to prove themselves right, including breaking your spirit to prove to themselves how fucked they are.  You will fail to love them and, if you don’t learn when to leave, die trying.

They always guilt trip you into staying.

They’ll emotionally abuse you and when you muster up the courage to leave guilt trip you.

My ex’s favourite was “Who’ll be here for me when you go? You’re all I have.”

“Fine, be like everyone else who leaves me…”

“You said you loved me..”

And you know, you really did. You did. But you really can’t anymore. Know when to go.

My friend’s ex girlfriend cheated on him then when he tried to leave her she said “Fine. Leave. Who’d love someone who’s been raped anyway?”

She hadn’t been raped, she’d willingly slept with this guy, this came out as her lie unraveled. But she’d said it.

And that’s how some people are.

She accused this random man of rape because she simply wanted to keep someone she KNEW she abused and manipulated.

Human beings rarely shock me because I’ve come to expect the unfathomable from them, especially when they claim to be in love.

Because most of these people have no idea what love feels like.

We’ve all been infatuated.  But most people never move past that stage.

They take infatuation, attraction, obsession and ownership and sell it as love.  They have no idea how to NOT destroy what they claim to care about.

They cripple in order to keep.

Shamelessly.

And those who haven’t known anything different stay.

They stay because someone cries.

Because they claim to love them.

Because their abuse is familiar.

 

I can say it all I want but some people have to learn that you cannot love these people better.  They will kill you internally and keep your corpse as a souvenir to remind themselves that maybe once they were worthy of love.

And you end up fucked.

You learn the hard lesson that human beings are selfish.  Some more than others.  Some would give you a  gun, ask you to shoot yourself if you love them then complain when you don’t die fast enough.

People are so fucked I could write a book about it.

But these are things everyone needs to learn on their own, including those I love.

I have seen it for myself.  I’ve watched my friends experience it for themselves, and I have learned, cautionary tales are fully believed when lived.

You just have to make sure you step away and live through it to learn from it.

Because like dream hampton said:

“That time you confused a lesson for a soulmate.”

That time needs to come and go or you will be stuck in the same redundant place, mold growing on your heart and mind and subsequently, your entire life.

People who nourish themselves by draining others will never let their sources go.

When it comes to most people, you tell them you love them and they will let you kill them as slowly as you want.  They take it because who wants to believe someone who says it so passionately could possibly harm them?

Who wants to believe human beings are really educated barbarians?

Anyone with the ability to speak has the ability to lie.

I never forget that.

I can’t afford to.

And that might be weird coming from a writer.  But I’m telling you the truth because I had to live through it to get it.

And not all of us are strong enough to live through these things.

I’m telling you so you don’t have to go through it and possibly lose yourself in the process.

This is life.

And it’s grimy.

These are people. With desires and ulterior motives.

And they’re just as grimy.

“Hell is empty and all the devils are here.” – William Shakespeare.

I hope you don’t encounter them .

And if you do, don’t let their human  appearance fool you.

The Help: Sex with the Maid

Today while dropping a friend’s nephews off at home, I met their maid. A simple woman,really. Bald, dark skinned, she was in a torn t-shirt and track pants. No one worth remembering. Or at least I thought so until she picked up the toddler and turned around to walk into the house. 

 

My first thought at seeing her behind was “Fuck. Hey! How does the husband of this household function?!” after which I reminded myself that not all men cheat, while still staring at her butt in disbelief and slight admiration. I watched her walk away and kind of understood why a man may get the desire to sleep with the maid.

On the other hand, I realized, not all men who sleep with the Help could sock it down to simple Lust.

Society usually blames the woman for her husband’s cheating. There’s always something she’s lacking that made the husband stray.

You could be the breadwinner, cooking everyday, bathing the kids, washing the dishes, paying school fees, sweating wine and feeding him chocolate from your cleavage, and when that man cheats, society will look at you and say “Sure, whatever, she did all that. But she didn’t help him put on his shoes that morning. It was her fault. She should be ashamed. What did all that hard work get her anyway? She should have known her place.”

And that’s what those deep in The Patriarchy think.

A woman’s place is in the kitchen and if not there, wherever her husband wants her to be. 

If you aren’t there, you probably deserve to be treated badly because you’re a disobedient slag. 

Working class women often get the worst of it, it seems. 

In a society that is still mostly misogynistic and patriarchal, the woman who steps out of the kitchen/bedroom and decides to be more than Somebody’s Something is a sell-out. To other women, women who don’t share her views/drive, she thinks she’s better than them. How dare she? Who does she think she is? Is she saying that THEY are slaves? Stupid? Fuck her.

 

And so when Working Woman’s husband strays, maybe even leaves her for the maid, in their eyes, she deserved it because she wasn’t “playing her role”.

I began to wonder, assuming, as a working class woman, you marry a man who appreciates the path you’ve chosen, and you end up with a rather hectic workload, is it possible for the man that you settled with, no matter how open minded he may have been in the beginning, to cheat with the maid, and if so, why?

Simple Attraction

We begin to get accustomed to those we spend time with. We expect our partners to not fraternize with the Help because they’re employees and should be treated as such. But frankly speaking, it’s quite possible for the two to develop feelings for one another, whether lustful or otherwise. And in such a situation, you, as the woman of the household, have nothing to do with that. It’s easy to assume it wouldn’t have happened if you’d spent every waking moment with your partner. But who knows?

 

Basic desire/appreciation for people who take care of us

We grow fond of people who make us comfortable. Many men, with a patriarchal mindset or otherwise, might gravitate towards the maid simply because they feel cared for by her. 

Power

On the other hand, assuming these don’t apply, we get what seems to be the typical scenario. It’s a power thing. This man has a servile woman at his beck and call who gets paid to attend to him and he may not know or care that there are lines in that relationship/situation. He’s attracted to the maid not because of her person, but simply because he has power over her and in his eyes, can control her. 

Some maids are receptive but more often than not, they aren’t and they end up getting raped and remaining silent. Or adding Sex With The Sir to their list of chores to receive just a bit more at month end. 

 

Your Maid’s a Vixen

Or, you were unlucky and hired a vixen. One who made it a point to know your husband’s underwear size and schedule before she knew where the washing machine was.  And in such a situation, I can only hope you have an honest husband who’ll tell you what’s happening and not one who views the situation and sees an opportunity to make his porn fantasies come true.

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Adieu.

Mama said

  1. Never show a man you love him too much. They will see this and take advantage of it knowing you won’t leave.
  2. Never love a man too much i.e more than yourself. He can never give you more than you can give yourself for as long as you can.
  3. When you cook maize meal, add a bit of salt and oil.
  4. Your marriage won’t be worth much if your partner isn’t worth much. If you insist on settling down, let your partner build you.
  5. Take care of your body. Especially your figure and your skin. Your whole appearance as a Woman shows how you feel about yourself and has the power to give you the confidence you need.
  6. Buy attractive lingerie for yourself, not to show it off to someone else.
  7. Family is everything. Friends come and go but if you find those worth keeping, do so. 
  8. Never let another person steal your joy. 
  9. Buy pretty bedding.
  10. Sometimes you need to pray. [Or as I call it, Talk to the Air.]

 

Sound advice, she’s tried.

 

But as I found myself thinking about my future children, especially my daughters, I grew distressed trying to figure out what to teach them and how.

See, I believe my mother didn’t teach me what I feel my daughter should know. And I understand why. For her, some of the greatest lessons have come about through trial and error and being reactive to certain situations which, probably could have been avoided had one of us been proactive, but I understand because she isn’t as vocal as I am and hope to be by the time I have kids. 

She didn’t tell me that boys would lie until I’d already been lied to and led down undesirable paths in the name of Love.

She didn’t prepare me for the emotional Beast I’d become once a month when my hormones kick in.  The Education system failed me here too. Y’all just made it seem like a bit of bleeding, not cramps that feel like a kick to the vagina resulting in what looks like a Spartan battlefield on a good/bad day. The anger, emotional texts to Ex’s [although that could just be me] none of that.

She didn’t tell me that as a female, you’re a walking target. I guess I understand why. My mother doesn’t really see things the way that I do. She still victim blames, I admit, but a lot of her generation does. Also, I doubt she would have wanted me to grow up looking over my shoulder expecting to have something happen but, I feel it’s something every girl should know. Rather rob them of their childhood with honesty than have them end up in a situation far worse because they were naive.

Pregnancy scares. We don’t discuss those obviously. I doubt we ever will, but I want to with my daughter. I guess we’ll squeeze it into the Sex Talk.  One of the few times we discussed pregnancy I brought up abortion and my mother was mortified. “We don’t kill what God creates” she said. I laughed and said those are her views and we’d need to be logical and consider whether bringing a child into the world would be the best thing. She said I was speaking like the Devil, which amused me. I know though that I don’t want my daughter feeling obligated to keep a child because of emotional blackmail. I want her, should she find herself in that position, to make an informed decision.

She never told me to know when to leave a man, I found that out the hard way.  

I learned that one should avoid patriarchal men like the plague out in the world too. My daughter will know the same. Although I guess the “Have a partner who builds you” part covered that.

Cook because you want to, not because you have to, for someone else. I hate that. Having to interrupt your time of doing Peaceful Nothing to fix a meal for someone who’ll probably decide it’s not worth it and sleep by the time you’re done. 

I believe Sundays are peaceful. For solitude and everything else you want. Sundays are Selfish days, to be worshiped. I’ll tell my daughter. 

Mama always wanted a happy family that bonds over dinner and cooks together and laughs all the time and such. We are the exact opposite. She knows her children love her but I always tell her, personally, I don’t feel the need to always be in my family’s presence. I spend a fair amount of time alone and there isn’t anything wrong. She says it’ll lead to me being in an unhappy household, I tell her I don’t want to raise kids  who are dependent on another person for comfort, it’s simply how I am. 

I drink quite a bit. I drink when I’m sad, when I’m happy and when I’m excited. No, it isn’t as often as you may think, but beer, wine, straights, they all get a pass with me. And no I don’t get sloppy drunk unless I’m home and with close friends, and even then, I never want to because I always want to know everyone is alright. My mother drinks a few glasses of wine every two months and thinks I’m an alcoholic. Dear Future Daughter, drink if you want to, just don’t be a fuck up.

Religion. If you haven’t figured it out by now, she’s religious. Christian. I was once, and then I read too many books and thought too much to continue believing in a White man in the Sky and virgins giving birth to Saviors. I hope my daughter isn’t religious, I won’t lie. Spiritual, yes please. But that’s her choice to make. 

Sexuality. I’m guessing you can figure out mother’s views on that. Marriage, monogamy, kids, the basics. I still have to explain to her how gay people have sex sometimes when she’s drunk and curious but thank god she’s not a homophobe. I want my daughter to do with her body as she pleases, to own herself.

I will stress the importance of an education. Not just degrees, they’re nice, but to be smart and know the world, understand people, understand yourself. Nothing’s more depressing than a person with a degree and an empty head, there’re too many running around.

I want her to know she’s always stronger than she knows and sometimes, than she wants to be, and her mother was too. 

I want her to know that Love is everything. And true Love, for anything or anyone, should never leave you feeling Less Than in anyway. 

And that mistakes happen and there is no shame in Living. 

I hope I raise a little Warrior. A beauty. An Amazonian Princess honestly. A woman who could have held her own had she been born in Sparta. Someone like Cleopatra. One who walks with pride and is firm in her knowledge of Self and depends on no none, needs no one, who isn’t worth it. I hope I raise a Queen who unfortunately, will know loneliness because those of her kind will be rare in society, but I know she will seek out and find comfort in like minded people.

I know a fair amount of the lessons will come about as me being reactive too. I realize that with parenting. I appreciate what my mother has taught me and what she kept from me, she was doing the best she could and I will do the same. Maybe one day my daughter too will point out what I could’ve taught her but didn’t. And that’s alright.

The whole point of relationships is to learn. My mother has taught me and I have taught her. Lessons I hope we both spread out into the world. 

Lessons of Love. 

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Hard Candy: Sex and Maturity

I lost my virginity when I was 12.

It was in a toilet cubicle at a mall, to a 17 year old boy I was dating at the time and I could tell you it was halfway between consensual and I was coaxed into doing it.

He used a government issued condom and it lasted all of 5 minutes before I had to go catch my cab, sore and slightly bothered. [I’m lying, I cried, don’t ask me why, I’m not sure yet. Maybe because I’d always imagined the first time would be memorable, maybe because it was in a fucking toilet cubicle. Maybe because I was certain I really didn’t want to. Not like that. Not then.]

Now, someone may think “The fuck was she doing even looking at boys at that age?”

I reached puberty when I was 10. My breasts ballooned out and I developed hips which came with a sassy walk and I had to rush into womanhood. I felt that if my body was ready, my mind was too and I could truly live as a woman.  I was intelligent too, already in high school, quite mature if I do say so myself and carried this as my reason for dating a 17 year old at the time.

When one of my cousins found out I was dating a 17 year old he told me “You need to understand, you guys may connect but that’s only because he comes down to your level. This boy doesn’t think  like you. Don’t be fooled and don’t be like one of these girls who fall for it.” I was outraged. What did he know? How dare he assume that just because he wanted sex from every girl he encountered my boyfriend did too?

Oh well, Life happened.

It began to make me uncomfortable that all of a sudden all he wanted from me was sex.  Frankly, not only was he unattractive, he was a bit overweight and I preferred his clothed body to him sweating on top of me. Conversation too became bland and it just seemed to go nowhere.  I wanted to stop it all but felt the best thing to do was to simply let him get it over with when he wanted to in order to keep him and ignore it.

When I went from Indifferent to Mad, I didn’t have the balls to leave him so I cheated.  At that point sex was still pretty sacred to me but I convinced myself that if my virginity was gone, there really was nothing left, so I gave it away.

Eventually I told him, we broke up and when I told him I’d cheated once, he told me he’d cheated with 12 girls. In the space of a month and a half. Understand that he claimed he was a virgin and I’d be his first and only. Then that.

I was confused. Hurt. Evidently I hadn’t been as smart as I’d thought.

It took me approximately a year and a half to get over it.  The first relationship I’d been in had gone to foam so quickly and you know when you think you’re in love, regardless of the fact that you don’t know what love truly is at the time, you see a future with someone. It crashed.

My little 13 year old self decided I was a Woman now. I knew heartbreak, I knew sex, I was ready for the world. I spent the next 2 years having sex with whoever was interested and I didn’t find disgusting. Honestly, that was how my mature teenage self picked ’em.

By the time I was actually legal to have sex I’d had so much I wasn’t even remotely interested in it all.

Now we could go into all the experiences I had during that point in time but now is not the time for that.  I can tell you the basics, the slut shaming, the one night stands, occasionally feeling worthless, being fucked and left, using your feminine wiles to get what you want, I covered all that.

Now all of that was a long time ago and thankfully I made it out in one piece. I learned what I learned and life kept going.

Some girls aren’t so lucky.

It’s sad that a lot of us think as soon as puberty is reached one is ready to tackle sex and all that comes with it. Sayings like “After 12 go a jewa” [After 12 you eat] don’t help and young girls are constantly preyed on because they are both physically mature and naive.

I don’t know about my ex. He could have been using me, what a 17 year old was doing with a 12 year old despite my maturity is the question. The fact remained I could be easily persuaded at that time because I lacked a sense of Self and that alone I feel should make any person uncomfortable. The fact that the person you’re with could be reduced to a mere object  if you so choose. That they are THAT easily manipulated.

Today Batswana men were up in arms about the fact that the age of defilement would possibly be moved up from 16 to 18.  I’ll be honest, the only time they’re ever this collectively mad is when alcohol prices go up.

“What about my little High School girlfriend?”

Nna I’m still going to screw these young girls, I don’t care I’ll tell them not to tell.”

“But the young ones are so easy, why are they trying to scare us to the older women?”

And those who saw this for what it was were said to be overreacting.

How can you, as a grown man, see nothing wrong with complaining about the fact that you won’t be getting young girls into bed anymore? What’s your Life like and how does your mind work?

The number of people who passed jokes about sleeping with children and those who were hellbent on the government not getting away with taking away their right to screw young girls shocked me. Frankly, I found it quite disgusting.

They did not see the pedophilic undertones associated with their words.

A friend said “I Personally Think It’s An Attack On Women’s Sexuality. If There’s A Super Mature 17 Year Old Who Wishes To Explore Her Sexuality, Why Shouldn’t She Be Allowed To?”

And I see his point but to be frank, the mature 17 year old will probably do what she wants to anyway. That’s not the focus of all this.  This is what they feel they need to do to combat the defilement and statutory rape cases they get and I’m going to wait to see if it makes a difference.

On the one hand I think, why should anything change? We’ve been doing what we’ve been doing as we’ve been doing it and really, when has the threat of going to jail for a round of sex ever stopped anyone? On the other hand I think, maybe it’ll instill fear in those who’ve been going along with all this and make a difference, ANY difference.

Another friend asked why I wasn’t addressing women sleeping with boys and I said didn’t see women being the ones who were up in arms about the fact that they wouldn’t be able to be intimate with young boys therefore I addressed what was put in front of me. I’m not blind to the fact that women also use young men and whatnot, not in the least, but to see so many men unhappy with the fact that they wouldn’t be able to troubled me as much as the fact that everyone thought it was either funny or not that serious.

As mature as girls like to think they are, we don’t know anything about male/female relations/our bodies, our Selves until we grow. Personal experience teaches some and  observation teaches others.

Some people don’t make it through certain life experiences and I think we should strive to keep them away from sure harm.

We probably can’t stop these kids from having sex, I’m not sure we could stop those older than them from using them, but maybe.. Possibly.

I just wish we could have as few of these as possible. I haven’t figured out how yet but I’ll take whatever comes my way at this point.

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Really.

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“A girl child ain’t safe..”

My cousin says he loves me “despite our differences”.  Our “differences” being he wants to sleep with me every time he gets drunk in my presence and I resist his advances and shun him.  He once asked me “Why do you give others and not me?” I still don’t know how to answer his questions.

He speaks to me and stares at my breasts, watches me walk out of the room and I feel his eyes on my thighs. When my male friends visit he wins them over by sharing alcohol with them and cracking jokes. They talk about the latest movies and attractive females, they spend so much time looking at him, paying attention to him that they don’t notice that every time I get up to get a drink I move further away. That he constantly tells them how much he “loves” me and I never say anything back. Not even smile. 

My mother constantly asks him to stay with us when they’re away. I wonder why because she knows. I wonder if  she thinks what I told her when I was thirteen has changed. And I’ve learned that sometimes it’s best to fight alone, quietly, than to win people over to your cause. 

I watch For Colored Girls and observe the dance teacher chat gaily to the man who will soon be her rapist. He walks her home and she twirls for him as she explains something or the other about the music she loves so much. I watch her and feel sorry.  Observing her enthusiasm, naivete, is like seeing a child run into the street after a ball with a speeding car on the road. Observing her is tragic. I think “But all women should know never to be so at ease.”

My body and I have an agreement. Never be comfortable around these men. We cannot afford to be.  We do not need to be. It simply is not advisable to be.  I sometimes glance at my closest male friends and wonder, what would it take for him to be like them? It can happen, but will it?

 

I think back to the time my boyfriend forced himself on me and my 12 year old self decided it couldn’t be rape because when I agreed to date him it obviously meant I knew he’d want my body and I had somehow agreed. I think of the time when my friend came back from a date no longer a virgin and no longer a believer n the Good in humans and I cannot see what it is about this Life that should make us calm,leave us at ease.

I hear men who think we should appreciate their grabbing us on the street and tell us that we modern day women don’t know how to take compliments and think, how are we wrong for not taking unwanted sexual advances and rape as flattering?

I think people who tell us we’re too wound up are the worst kind of Ignorant. How would you be if you knew smiling at a stranger on the street could be reason enough in his eyes to follow you home and have his way with you? That your uncle,father,brother could decide that you wearing shorts at home is a sign for him to come get it? That your drunk boyfriend could decide it’s funny to lock you up in a room and have his friends rape you as he watches?

Would you still be as carefree and giggle with men? Would you flirt so openly? Dress as you please and walk the streets with a guy you met last night? Would you find it as easy to go out and “socialize” and be as comfortable sitting in a room with your boyfriend? All things considered,would you?

I always say if the average man were to have a sex change tomorrow, he’d have a nervous breakdown in a week at the most. You don’t know what it’s like to be us. What it takes to be strong and appear normal when all you think about is how you might be a waiting statistic.

The human female is probably the most preyed upon creature on this Earth. And most of the time it seems we’re expected to watch while we’re devoured. Welcome it even.

Frankly,not only is a girl child not safe in a family full of men,she isn’t safe in a society that doesn’t understand nor respect,applaud, her will to survive.

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“I am a man, not a victim” : Males and Abuse

“But the problem with feminism is, if we say women are equal to men, then they’ll start raping men..”

 

You see there’s this great misconception that men cannot be victims of abuse.   Because they’re expected to be strong and invulnerable, a lot of men don’t admit to sexual abuse and a lot of women don’t acknowledge that it occurs.   

 

Possibly due to the fact too that women are only considered care givers and motherly, it would be difficult for a lot of people to realize that we could as easily perpetrate Evil as the next man. 

 

Gender roles and stereotypes that teach who can and can’t be dangerous mean that a lot of the time we let out guards down based on assumptions.  We’d keep our kids from the uncle who gets too tipsy at family gatherings  and usher them off to the maid when in fact she could be the one considering selling your kids. 

 

A few years ago I read an article about a maid who’d been sleeping with her employer’s 6 year old son. She gave him an STI and said she was doing it to “cleanse her blood”. The article I remember centered on the fact that she was a woman who’d done what’re considered  “male crimes”, child molestation, and statutory rape.  A few months after I read this I came home early from school to find our maid at the time in the living room asking my brother, who was 7 at the time, if he knew what a condom was because at some point he’ll need to use it, which was followed by a giggle from her.  There was so much for my mind to process at that point. First of all, wait, what? Second of all, What? Third, why? Fourth, Hold up.  See in that instant my mind was reeling. Why? Is this what she does when we aren’t home? What else does she do? 

 

It’s a difficult subject to broach with a child. “Did she touch you and make you uncomfortable?” Because as Oprah once stated, the problem with sexual abuse, sometimes when your body responds, it makes you wonder if it’s actually as bad as it is.  I had to do it because my mother would have broken down.  He replied with a “No” but then again, he was confused, there’s a question mark over the whole thing and I know that, should the day come when he remembers, he’d sooner say “She was teaching me” than, “I was abused.”

Because “abuse” is considered a feminine thing. Something that happens to vulnerable females who can’t protect themselves and when the roles are reversed, whereas the daughter of the family would go for counselling, the son will be told to man up and focus on “serious things”.

Someone I used to know lost his virginity at 9 to a woman who was 21.  See, he never spoke about it as what it was. To him, he was “mature”, they were in a “relationship” and they  “loved each other”, according to him, I just didn’t understand and I asked him, if  the roles were reversed, what would it be? Rape. Simple. But he said he appreciates that she taught him and that’s what he sees as “Real Love”. I don’t bring it up anymore. 

 

The need to portray themselves  a certain way means a lot of men never admit to and deal with the abuse they’ve suffered.  They carry it, swaying between feeling manly and pathetic, shameful. They hate themselves for not having been able to defend themselves, and for feeling like what happened was wrong. A “real man” should be proud. Should appreciate the lesson, isn’t it every man’s dream to be initiated that way?

 

Men are victims. Women are victims. People are victims and suffer at the hands of others. Suffering is not meant for any specific person and whatever doesn’t help/heal you is not for you. 

And to women; Our struggles are not unique. It’s wrong of us to think just because a select few men do not appreciate or relate to them, all men can’t. A lot of us will advocate against rape and yet laugh at a man who says he’s been a victim. We still carry misconceptions and exclude those who feel as we do sometimes based solely on the fact that they are different [male]. A lot of us are yet to learn that men hurt as we do, they just don’t always know what to do or how to do it. 

Things are only “different” when you haven’t left your Self and put yourself in the other’s situation. What happens to you/has happened to you, has happened to someone else and expecting healing through solitude can’t always be the way forward. 

Evil is a human trait. Some suppress it and some don’t. It is not Manly, it is not Feminine, it simply Is. 

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– Last image courtesy of PostSecret.com

 

Why some women tend to be stupid bitches

This post will contain a lot of swearing.

I will be rude.

I will vent.

I am frustrated.

I’m starting to believe more men hate women out there than we believe.  Have you been reading about these rape cases lately? No, it’s not that rape is bad enough, now they’re gang raping, mutilating, like it ain’t shit. What must happen? What?

I wanna understand. I wanna know WHY. I know the basics, the textbook version of things, but that can’t be it because I’ve been taught that what we can learn, we can fix, but this here is some shit I don’t think anyone was ready for.

See, I’m not scared. No not really. Not for me anyway. I’m scared for the women who walk around with their heads held high, oblivious to what’s going on around them. The ones who think rape is “sad” but, it doesn’t involve them. The ones who have better shit to do than think about that.

What I wanna know is, don’t they understand that what affects one woman really affects us all? Honey, if they begin to hate us, they hate us all. They don’t hate the Blacks, or the Fat ones, or the Rich ones, we are ALL at risk every time we step out the house.

It appalls me that a lot of women are so detached from other women. Who else do you have other than us? I’m not saying men are shit, I’m not saying you can’t depend on them, but ask any female, the biggest issue women have amongst themselves, is other women.

We do not trust each other. We do not care about each other. We do not relate to one another and we do not listen to each other.

The 17 year old that gets raped is not you so you can’t feel that. The 25 year old who’s kidnapped and abused in front of her son is not your sister so you can’t feel that. The 50 year old woman who gets abducted, raped and murdered is murdered is not your mother so you can’t feel that. The 75 year old woman who gets strangled and sodomized is not your grandmother so you can’t feel that.

“It’s sad but..”

I’m saying you SHOULD feel it because on some level, these women are JUST LIKE YOU.

You have different names, stories, beliefs but you are women and considering how SHIT things are lately, what would it hurt to support one another?

I got to thinking about protests after going through my Twitter TL, but their effectiveness is not what I’m here to discuss. It got me wondering… Out of all the women I know, I promise you, less than 10 would be willing to march against rape, or any other injustice women face. Less. Than. 10.

How do I feel about that? I’m pissed off. I’m saddened. Because those who wouldn’t, are those who subscribe to victim shaming, those who turn a blind eye, those who would rather run to the boyfriend who assaults her because she’s convinced herself HE is what she needs.

This is shit.

Fucking. Shit.

Charlize Theron once did a PSA on Rape and stated that every 26 seconds a woman is raped in South Africa. 26 seconds. That’s basically 4 women per minute. For all I know the statistics are worse now.

You are a potential walking statistic, and you still think it doesn’t have shit to do with you?  As much as I respect choice, I can’t respect that one. I won’t.

I suggest you download that and tell me if that didn’t scare the shit out of you. If it didn’t reach a place in you not many things can. I’d like to know if you still think it’s such a far away Evil now.

This right here is what I wish would happen.

Women need to get mad. We need to start to live and protect OURSELVES now, not the perpetrators. We need to stop trying to be Ladies and NOT cause a raucous because we don’t wanna be judged.

The fuck are we trying to act right when we’re being treated wrong for?

Fuck that.

Fuck it.

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“She’s an ugly bitch anyway..”

I do not associate with vain females. I’m unable to. All my female friends are attractive as well as intelligent. These are confident women who are secure in their sense of Self, yet flexible enough to learn about the World. They are wholesome individuals who you can still have wet dreams about.

Now,we all know society doesn’t really like women who “speak out of turn”. Patriarchy has conditioned people to believe women belong cloaked in insecurity, waiting on others, with no original thoughts, no voice and basically, no existence worth remembering. It’s like, if you aren’t somebody’s daughter, partner  or mother, you don’t really matter. You aren’t really seen.

But as the saying goes “Well behaved women seldom make history”, and really, none of us are trying to end up as Somebody’s Something.

As a Woman, when you start speaking, thinking, doing as you please, there will be issues.  You will scare and bother people. How dare you have an opinion?

A woman’s place is In the kitchen, didn’t you know? Spend your time on your back pleasing a man and only get up if what you’re gonna do is gonna make him even happier. If you insist on being a rebel and reading books and shit, keep it to yourself, you don’t NEED to think. You don’t NEED to have rights. You don’t need to have feelings about anything that happens that affects you. You are a mere woman. You came from a man’s rib,didn’t you know? You will eternally be Less Than.

That’s that shit though. Vocal females come under fire all the time over the tiniest of things. Society’s double standards are always ready to remind you that you are Female. Mention Feminism, you’re a Man Hater. Talk about Racism, You’re a Mad Black Woman.  Sex, you’re obviously a Slut. Hopes and dreams that don’t involve a family and servitude, you’re deranged, probably a lesbian.

In the event that you can take having this ignorance thrown your way and actually continue to explore all you are as a Woman, be ready for the personal attacks you’ll get.

I find it somewhat amusing that some men think intelligent women give a fuck about being called Ugly. Do you not understand that I know that I’m much more than my appearance? And also, in the event that I offended you,why do you find it easier to attempt to hurt me instead of simple stating that you are hurt? It’s cos you’re silly,that’s why.

I’ve seen countless situations where a male and female are having an intellectual debate,or simple disagree on something and the guy gets mad and starts hurling insults at her. “You’re an ugly bitch anyway..That’s why you’re mad. Who’ll marry you? You talk too much. Sies. Nowadays you bitches say you want equality and shit and now you wanna come up and disrespect us..”. Honey, who disrespected you and how? How is it her fault you couldn’t hold your own? Am I suddenly ugly because I disagree with you? So I would be more appealing if I was submissive and compliant..Got it.

You can tell a lot about a man and how he feels about women from the way he deals with women who think. In a “forward thinking/progressive/civilized” world, everyone is expected to move on and BE better except for women?

We say: Fuck that.

We say: Your opinion of us doesn’t matter because it’s one you’ve inherited anyway, not what you really Know and Feel.

We ask: Is it that you know our potential that lately you try so hard to break us?

We ask: What are you gonna do now that we KNOW our potential?

[And is that why rape cases are increasing lately and becoming more and more gruesome? We all know rape is about Power. Is it because they feel insecure in a world where more and more women are turning away from the Bitch role and actually Being? Are they trying to scare us into submission? Is this their panicked effort to restore their version of order? On that I will say this. Things between Men and Women are bout to get bad. Really bad.  A woman who feels threatened and KNOWS she has the potential to fight back,will.  And women already carry enough pain,anger and sometimes,hatred within. Remember that.This is the world we live in hey.]

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