Relationships

Just A Taste: On Sex, Sleazebag Cheating and Why Some Men Are Still Nice

“I’m a very faithful guy hey. I’m one of the most faithful guys around” he says to me as we lay in his bed at 4 in the morning.  Words that would please any girl and send her heart beating in her chest, attempting to jump out and hug him for being so amazing.  Except I’m not his girlfriend. My hands wrapped around a vodka bottle as I attempt to taste the citrus that’s supposed to be in it, I say “Yeah..I bet your girlfriend thinks so. Yep. That must be why I’M in your bed right now” and  he looks uneasy. I laugh and we discuss the beautiful things Life tends to hand us that we feel compelled to destroy.

“Why do men cheat?” has been used to sell magazines since before I was born, with jaded women and defensive men alike attempting to reveal the intricacies or simple truths behind the act.

“They all do. They’re dogs” they say.

“They just don’t know how to be with one woman. It’s not you. It’s not him either. It just IS.”

“It’s in a man’s nature to conquer and explore.”

Or sometimes.. probably more often than I’d care to admit “It’s not him. It’s you. What are YOU doing to drive him out?”

I know some very nice men. Decent. They respect their women. They adore them. Their partners are happy and when they’re together, they create images worthy of a thousand Tumblr reblogs. To quote the young ones, they’re “Perf.”

But these men cheat.

Their partners don’t know it. These men hardly ever acknowledge it, and even when they do, would never call it what it is. “Cheating” is sleazy. But they do.

It’s usually premeditated.  It starts off with playful flirting as he wonders whether he actually CAN do this, and possibly fights his feelings of guilt. Because you see, his Lady is lovely, she really is.  She understands him and motivates him to be a better man. She could possibly be the future mother of his kids. But right now, he just wants something new. Something different. This one time, he feels an overwhelming urge to satisfy his curiosity and man, it’ll just be once.  Once he decides, it’s on to the propositioning.

I find they feel more comfortable exploring infidelity with a close friend rather  than a random girl found at a party.  Possibly because said friend would respect their relationship and not slander the “Wifey” or make the act seem more than it actually is: sex.   A friend I guess would be much more comfortable for them, seeing as they could rationalize the guilt away or minimize it using the age old “It was just a friend helping out another friend.”

And wasn’t it though?

I understand.

It’s usually a once off thing.  He doesn’t want to leave her, not even close. He’s happy and so is she. He simply wants to satisfy his curiosity. Look at it this way, I adore Toni Morrison’s work. At some point I read 4 of her books straight simply because I wanted to take her in, all of her.  I then took a break, read Charles Bukowski and went back to Ms Morrison.  Is that an issue? Is it something to be ashamed of? No. I think not.

 

And yes, relationships are different, I know. But monotony is rather irksome.

The only issue I see here is the deceit, but that’s the way it has to be.

Because let’s be honest, how many of us would believe it if our partner said they wanted to have sex with someone else once a year? Just once. How many of us would accept it?

 

There’s a difference between a man who wanders once in a while, out of curiosity, and a serial cheater with an insatiable appetite who insists on settling into relationships and dragging his partners through his mess.  Are they both cheaters?  Yeah, sure, but they have different reasons  for and methods of cheating. One isn’t as messy, selfish and sleazy as the other, and I think that matters.

The way a man chooses to cheat says a lot about the kind of man that he is. Which is why when some people do what they do, I understand, and to me, that remorse, even if it’s shame for following your desires, means something.  The fact that that person cares about the consequences of their actions and weighs everything out.  The fact that, to him, it’s not just “Me, Me, Me” it’s “Me, Me, Me, but if I mess up, what about Her?”

I’m not trying to say “Cheating is okay if you’re sorry you did it to an extent”, not at all, the point I’m trying to make is, certain things, once understood, aren’t as evil as we could perceive them to be from face value.

 

Friends

You, Yourself and You

“Life’s all about progression and transformation” I said as I passed the beer bottle over to a friend, wondering whether in this very moment, I was progressing.   Which led me to wonder if one has to be progressing all the time, and if you weren’t, were you falling back?

 

If Life’s taught me anything, it’s that it goes hand in hand with Loss.  Sometimes you push things out of your Life, and other times, they just go.  Friends come and go, dreams come and go, thoughts come and go.  I always marvel at how, despite the fact that we know change is the only constant in Life, we can’t seem to embrace it and go with it.  We’re always looking for some sort of stability.  We keep clothes that will never fit us, buy brands we’re used to, regardless of whether or not they do what they’re supposed to, and keep relationships that no longer do anything for us.

 

Eliminate things that no longer evolve you. — Erykah badu

 

I’ve been observing my relationships with people in my Life and wondering whether I truly need them there, trying to figure out if I need what they bring to the table. Birds of a feather flock together and as I observe some of them I realize, they simply don’t know how to Live, how to take responsibility for their lives, how to stand alone. How to exist as a lone being, and for me, that’s a necessity.

I believe in the importance of individuality, independence. You need to know how to be alone, how to think for yourself, how to grow on your own, what to take in and put out to keep growing.  Stagnancy is a trap, it’s a cage you don’t even know you’re in sometimes.  I know.

I’ve spent close to a year, maybe slightly more, at home, terrified of growing up. Of making any decisions, of living, because I was afraid I’d mess up.  As each day passed, I seemed to find more and more reasons as to why I should simply wait to die.  The possible shame of making a “wrong” life decision [which in this case, was about my academic life] weighed on me before I even bothered to CONSIDER what I’d do.

To many, that was a year wasted. I could’ve done so much in that time, right?

Gotten an online diploma maybe.  Found a job. Hell, gotten married.

But no, none of that.

I cried, I read, I thought, and I repeated all of this. And to quote Anais Nin “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

I got sick of seeing my face in the morning with the same uncertain look. I spent hours upon hours arguing with myself about what We want to do, who we want to be, and eventually, I put myself together.  Now, I appreciate all the uncertainty, all the time I felt I was wasting. I grew.

 

For many of us, it takes a lot before we can let go.  We don’t know when to, nor how to. We don’t know when a situation has run it’s course and even when it begins to hurt, we tell ourselves it’s a test to see whether we’re truly committed. Sometimes, that’s simply Life showing you that it’s done now. Some things, I dare say, most things, aren’t worth fighting for, especially if you aren’t even sure you want them.

In Setswana, there’s a saying that goes “Se nkganang se nthola morwalo”, which basically means, whatever repels me only relieves me of a burden.  Words to live by, don’t you think?

 

Most people will never be too ashamed to pass their burdens on to you.  Nor to bring, or keep, you down. A lot of people wouldn’t care if your mental maturity never goes past this point.  But you know, that’s them. It’s up to you to see to it that you become More.  And that will be your responsibility to yourself for as long as you’re here.

 

Who are you? What do you want? Do the people in your Life want the same for you? Will they help you become who you want to be? Are they people you’d like to be like?

You need to ask yourself.

erykah_badu02

 

 

The Fall: On Greatness, Society and being a Sociopath

Last night I wondered, how much work do you have to put in til they [the public] consider you one of the Greats? This was prompted by seeing someone’s list of the current greatest rappers alive, with Kendrick Lamar on it.  Kendrick is fairly new to the scene as compared to the others on it, those considered veterans such as Nas, Eminem and Jay Z, but for someone, actually, a lot of people, he’s already there.

 

It got me thinking about his work.  He’s a decent rapper. He has the ability to be both ignorant and insightful, something many find difficult lately, or are simply too lazy to do.  But then, how can we consider him a Great?  I think it all boils down to the fact that we’ve grown accustomed to accepting what’s Less Than so when something’s mediocre, average and should be the bare necessity for any artist, to simple NOT be one-sided, we celebrate it like it’s the best thing ever. 

But that’s not the issue here.

One of the answers that I got to that question [I tweeted it] was “You have to die.”

 

You have to die for people to appreciate the true extent of your brilliance.

You have to no longer be able to create, for them to look back on your past work and see how amazing it is.

Isn’t that some shit?

People only see your excellence when they have to catch up and take all the time in the world analyzing it.

So, what I gathered from this is:

  • Most times, if you’re truly great, chances are, the majority won’t appreciate you, and if they do, it’s not immediate.
  • If you’re Great, you don’t create for the public. 
  • When you begin to create for the public, you have to sell out. Water it down. Come down to their level.

On death.

 

I understood the surface meaning, but then I thought of one of my favorite artists, The Weeknd.  He’s very much alive, well, in the physical sense, but what any fan can tell you is, Abel Tesfaye [The Weeknd] is far from alive internally.  

 

He is a man incapable of love, yet somewhat envious of those who can feel it.  We aren’t sure why he is as he is, we don’t know what happened to make the man switch off internally, but what we do know is, whereas he shuns the women who seek to love him romantically, he appreciates his fans, though he remains fully aware of the fact that they could leave at any moment.  It sounds like a sad existence doesn’t it? To most people it would. It’s easy to pity him because many of us feel our lives are only worth the love we receive.

I used to think so too. I understand why you may be shaking your hand as you “tsk tsk”, but let me tell you a little something about being an emotional person, and an artist..

Things hurt you in a deeper way than they would the average person.  Heartbreak stays with you, you force yourself to keep it on the surface, sometimes for inspiration, sometimes to feel like you have a colorful story, sometimes because you simply don’t know what to do with it.

I think to such people, every relationship, every interaction with a person, is a story in itself, and when it doesn’t end well, it’s a tragedy, not a simple end to a relationship.  

Everything is greater than it is. Nothing is ever what it is and to be honest, we don’t get over things.

You reach a point where you tire of constantly having to fix yourself and tell yourself this is simply Life. When you get tired of feeling like a mess who overreacts to everything. Of doubting your sanity, of wondering if there’s anything wrong with you because you can’t ever seem to find Peace.

And maybe, you decide to switch off. 

You decide your body can’t take the sleepless nights anymore.  Your heart can’t take the pressure and you can’t keep up with all this mess. You can’t constantly feel like you aren’t coping, and so you stop it.

Now, it’s not immediate.  It’s a gradual process. It’s constantly detaching yourself from anything that might take too much from you, anything you might feel the need to give yourself to.  It’s constantly saying “it doesn’t matter to me” until eventually, it doesn’t.  Until romance is just something to write about, but not feel.  Until intimacy is only for inspiration, not bonds.  Until you feel nothing more than what’s already within.  When things that used to make you want to help, or care, or intervene, are too far away for you to bother with.

 

I can’t tell you then you’ll feel “happy” or “fine”, but you’ll be within yourself and hopefully that’s a safer place than out here, for you. 

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Thoughts on Love

It’s when you have to explain unconditional love to people that you realize just how loveless the average person is. For many of us, it’s “I love her because she’s always been there for me/He cares” or some other mess. Which means when they stop all that, you won’t love them the same, if at all.

And that right there is what we have. I give you BECAUSE you give me.
I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with it. I, personally, can do without that though. 
When two people care about each other and someone says “You should be together”. What makes you think they aren’t already together?Of course what they mean is “You should parade your Love in front of everyone so we believe it’s authenticity.” And isn’t that a shame..That you need other people to see it and comment on it in order to believe it truly exists.
What I’ve learned is that the people you change for don’t love you the way they should. They never do. Nothing, nothing beats simply BEING with someone, as you are. Free to speak your mind, to laugh, hurt..do NOTHING, but Be. Comfortable. It doesn’t even need to be romantic. But you always fall in love with the people you truly love. You love them in all ways.
There’s a difference between belonging to each other by choice and being tied down to one another because you want to own what you “love”. You can never own a human being. Even the one that you create is not yours.A lot of us spend our time uncomfortable, answering silly questions, trying to care about people the way we think we’re “supposed” to.
What do you know about Comfortable love? No, I don’t mean, We’ve Known Each Other For A Long Time love.Intimacy. Something unaffected by time.
Have you ever met a person you just..fell into..? They feel like home from the very moment you stop pretending to be put together.We spend most of our time with other humans trying to be Less Than what we are to make them comfortable.
Who thinks you’re beautiful simply because you exist? Not because they like your face, or what you do for them, but because you Are…
The only thing a person who cares about you should “let” you do is be what you want to be. Understanding between two people is so precious. I can’t stress this enough. 
Everybody else is outside. And you can try to paint a picture for them but.. It’s never enough.. You can’t EXPLAIN beauty.
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[An]other Woman: The Sidechick’s POV

“I don’t know why you do that, you deserve so much better.”

And I wonder what “better” is.

 

It occurred to me a while ago that some women aren’t meant to be The Wife. 

It’s not simply that we don’t WANT to be. Nor that we’re unable to be, it’s just..If we won’t do it? Who will?

Live as we please, that is. 

I’ve been a girlfriend. I’ve been committed, I’ve loved and I’ve cheated, and for a while now, I’ve known my place as the Sidechick.  I am not ashamed nor do I feel robbed, and this is something many around me don’t understand. 

“No one believes that a woman can be truly happy in something that is not a roses-delivered-to-your-office kind of relationship.” – Jessica Tholmer

I’ve been wondering whether it’s better to be the Sidechick or the happily naive girlfriend/wife. I haven’t come up with a conclusion yet but I can give my point of view and this is it.

I am content with the situation. 

I personally would rather know where everything stands rather than be happy in oblivion, and for a lot of people, that’s selling myself short. To a lot of people, I could easily be labelled a ho or a home wrecker or be dismissed as someone seeking attention in unsavory ways, but I assure you, I’m not.

I feel like his relationship has nothing to do with me. It’s that simple. She has nothing to do with me and I with her, we simply share a man, who in turn honestly only belongs to himself. His deceit is his own and the lies he tells her come from his mouth. What they share is theirs and the same applies for us.

 

If you met someone who understands you, and who you understood could not be tied down, could not be made into what YOU want them to be for you, what would you do? Actually, if you met someone who was just right, why would you want to make them into something they’re not? See, I wrote about this before, and nothing’s changed. 

You cannot own a human being. Nor can you really be angry when they deceive you because you wanted so desperately for them to be something for you that you dragged them into your own world and forced them to stay there. 

It sounds odd even as I type it. For a man should be free, and strong enough to express his desires and not walk into situations he doesn’t want, but maybe some people are pleasers, or appeasers, I don’t know his point of view.

 

“When did you know you were meant to be the Sidechick?” I asked myself a week ago.  The answer has only just come. When the lovers who understood me best always belonged to their own bland lovers.  Why? Because they were people who are scared of being lonely, and finding someone to attach to yourself, even if they bore you, was good enough for them in a way.

 

“Aren’t you ashamed?”

What is there to be ashamed of? Adults making selfish decisions happens all the time. We are all self centered. 

While discussing a married close relative’s lover with a friend he said “You should go sort her out..Or ask her not to go out with him. Ask her to go.” And I didn’t understand why. She is living her life and basking in the adoration of a married man. That doesn’t bother me. What bothers me is how said married man seems to have lost his mind and is so infatuated with her that he no longer looks after his own family. And that too, is not her fault.

“Better”

Is “better” a monogamous relationship because from what I’ve heard it seems to be. It seems to be being with someone who’s “your own” and I don’t know why it has to be that someone being “your own” means putting it out there for the world to see with labels and Facebook relationship statuses.

I think a lot of people miss out on affection becomes they assume they only have one soulmate.  That love only has to come from one place all the time and that’s the only Truth.

Me? I just have an issue with not giving affection how and when I want. I have an issue with being stifled.  I have an issue with being Someone’s Something and that meaning Nothing.  I have an issue with what’s simple to me and said lover being an issue to everyone else.

“He treats you like he just picked you cos you happened to be there.” 

Someone said that to me and I laughed and simply responded with a “Naaaah.” Because I’m learning that certain levels of intimacy don’t need to be explained, rather felt. 

I feel like who or what he does has nothing to do with me as long as he is happy. Because what’s the point in allowing someone their freedom and claiming to love them, if you won’t let them Be?

 

“I dunno..I just love people, who cares?” – SW

“I can’t take back the words I never said.”

Let’s discuss the importance of words shall we?

The effects they have on people, emotions, situations.

Poetry. 

I cried last night trying to explain to a friend how hard it is to pour your truth out trying to explain, reach out somehow, for some kind of comfort, and getting nothing but “That’s beautiful”s in return. 

I read Warsan Shire’s poetry, see Alysia Harris cry constantly on stage and know they must feel the loneliness I feel sometimes. Because it honestly isn’t about teaching all the time. Sometimes you want to know that someone shares the same kind of passion, pain or indifference that you do. And I guess maybe they can but they can’t express it how you do.

 

Let’s think about how sometimes, words are useless.  You can talk yourself blue, use every language you know and still not get someone to understand you. Not be able to make the Love stay and not be able to show someone what you want them to see. 

My ex taught me that. It was a hard lesson to learn.

It made me wonder what the point was, if you can communicate and not be felt. I didn’t write for a while. I didn’t even speak anything that made sense for a while. He asked me why all I did was quote rap lyrics lately when he knew I had more to me than that and I was unable to  tell him that I was afraid that what I said wouldn’t matter.

 

“Speak your mind, even if your voice  shakes.” – Maggie Kuhn

I read that a year or more ago and my first thought was. “I can’t tell my father how I really feel though..I can’t tell my mother what I want to do. I simply can’t.” And I remembered, they’re just words.

I have since then. 

And being vocal will mean losing many people, I’ll tell you now.

Men get scared when you constantly tell them your truth and cry when you want to.

Friends don’t always want honesty.

Parents may think you’re crazy.

If you think being a writer is lonely, being honest is even worse. 

And I can’t decide yet whether it’s worth it but I can tell you my heart feels the strain of words that fall on deaf ears as much as it felt the weight of unsaid words and I don’t know what’s better/worse but I DO know I can’t go back to being silent. 

The same way you can’t unfeel heartbreak, you can’t unthink a thought, you simply can’t go back to being mute when you find that you have a voice.

I love the word “No” and I use it often. Some days it’s said lower than I’d like because I say it with fear in my heart, but I say it nonetheless and try to make the look in my eye mean it.

Every time I say it I know I should be ready to defend it/myself. Either verbally or if need arises, physically. And it’s new. Because at first, as a woman, a daughter, a girlfriend, a sister, a friend, I didn’t know I could, I didn’t know I had the right to, Women are taught to be selfless, but now as all of these things, I realize I am all I have and not everyone,  in fact, very few people, actually care about what becomes of Me, it’s about what they can get. This too has been a hard lesson to learn and I’m still going through the Test phase. I may be failing a little.

“Your silence will not protect you.” -Audre Lorde

Deception.  I am naive when it comes to those I love.  I don’t believe that they lie to me and when I care, rose coloured glasses are a part of my everyday attire. So I probably walk right into situations because I am not always on guard and I believe I don’t have to live that way. I don’t want to. I think I may have to grow up and be a cynic but I still want the beauty and honesty. 

I am becoming one of those people who speak without the help of liquor. It scares people when they are sober. Weirdly enough, I express myself, but never bond. People know the stories but not what the protagonist feels and has felt.  

I listen to Etta James, Ray Charles, Sam Cooke and think “If I said things so plainly right now, he’d run” and wish I could have lived then. Back when we could frankly speak about our devotion, our adoration for another being, our pain, without needing to make it look pretty. I wish we could still be blunt and it wouldn’t be too crude for people to handle. 

I was listening to the Miseducation of Lauryn Hill last night and as Ex Factor, When it hurts so Bad and I used to love him drifted out through the speakers I thought “This is all that needed to be said and it was. We loved it because it was simple and honest, pure, and yet we can never simply say that’s what it was.”.

 

I’m nostalgic for a time where honesty in Love, in Life, was the norm. And I’ve never even known such a time. 

Now is the time when you’re a part of the minority if you don’t keep people at arm’s length. A time when you’re odd if you feel, and think.

A time when you’re the odd one out if you still cry and show that you’re alive. 

And I’m not dealing well with that. 

“This is crazy.” – Lauryn Hill

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Who’s your Daddy?

What’s in a good Dom?

I’ve been asking myself lately and it seems I just got the bare essentials down.

  • Respectful
  • Assertive
  • Understanding
  • Open minded
  • Trustworthy

Everything for me really comes after or under these. 

Now I’ll admit I’m fairly new to D/s relationships.  Had we discussed this months ago the answer to “What makes a good Dom?” probably would have been “The ability to use your body to his satisfaction and push your sexual limits without ever being inconsiderate/disrespectful in the process” and as much as that may be true for the sexual aspect of things, I’ve learned it isn’t limited to that, as is a common misconception.

When one mentions that they’re submissive, people usually assume that it means s/he is into relationships where they can be used and abused.  That they enjoy being degraded and made to feel “less than”. As much as this is true for people unfamiliar with the lifestyle, I’ve discovered many potential Doms think this way too lately.  They don’t care to learn about You, your preferences, your limits, your character, to a lot of them, you’re merely someone to sexually dominate, a nymphomaniac acquiescent to his whims. 

 

And this is okay if one so wishes for it to be so, but really, not every man who can tell you what to do and express himself is Dominant.  Some only receive the title because we make the mistake of allowing ourselves to be deceived by the illusion and give them the title.

The best thing you can do as a sub is find an intelligent Dom.  Really, after a while, the “I want you”s and “You’re such a dirty sluts” become boring.  A man who’s able to express himself well and understands the importance and power of words will always keep you interested.  Plus a well read man can teach you plenty. 

As a sub you give yourself to someone and trust them to better you and help you better yourself.  This is something worth remembering.

Dominating is not about [just] using force.  If the only way he can get you to do things is by being in your presence and intimidating you with his, I don’t think he’s doing it right.  I’ve found it’s a combination of genuinely wanting to please your Sir and his ability to influence you verbally, especially in the case of long distance relationships.  You can always tell when a man is naturally dominant because of his ability to easily lead you to submit, it’s in his nature.  A command from him sounds different, his body language too, it’s the look in eye of certainty. Unmistakable.

Doms who make you dread  being intimate with them may possibly be abusive.  If you can’t open up to him because he makes you feel like a sissy or you dread lovemaking because he seems to completely disregard your comfort levels and safety, it would be best to leave. As I said, some men just want a sex slave and will take advantage of a sub simply for their own pleasure.

If your partner at any point makes you feel inadequate for having limits, he probably doesn’t respect you and as you know, respect is integral in such a set-up.  One who doesn’t appreciate you will never be good for you, this is key to remember as a new sub.  A lot of people might want to use your inexperience to their advantage and cheat, abuse and put you in dangerous situations and state that you just don’t understand how it all works.

 Your Dom should be the one person you feel safest with.  The intimacy shared, I’ve found, transcends that of an average boyfriend/girlfriend relationship because you bare yourself to them. You trust them to have your best interests at heart, more so than in an average relationship and if at any point you find your safety/peace may be compromised, it’s probably time to go.

Many men  prey on emotionally vulnerable women, convince them they’re submissive and use them.  I think a sub is much more vulnerable to meeting douchebags than the average woman.  Many assume we’re weak, so they patronize. Others, assuming the same thing, think they can easily walk into your life and immediately start bossing you around.  You meet those who will try their first attempt at choking on you and not realize that he needs to be attentive to your body too. Those quick to tie you up but with no patience to learn how. Those who don’t understand that you are not weak, but nor will you be strong all the time. 

Submissives are not unable to take care of themselves. No, we aren’t all messes who need a partner to tell us how to live. The fact that we’re perceived to be and portrayed as helpless is not only offensive, it probably keeps many from admitting that they are because of the shame associated with being considered one.  

We choose to give ourselves in such a way because it’s what feels right to us. I personally desire a level of intimacy that transcends what my peers are accustomed to. I want to know that my partner knows me, cares for and understands me and can stand on the days when I’m crawling.  

My Sir taught me the importance of friendship and understanding, and as his sub I was grateful for every single lesson. He set a very high standard  for the next one and I only wish that everyone could at least have had one such partner, it would save a lot of people from heartache and help others understand that no, it’s not just about spending time on your knees and being dragged around. 

Calling someone Daddy/Sir/Master is not to be taken lightly. You are giving parts of yourself, the most important bits, to someone and as romantic as it may sound, we live in a world where most people destroy rather than create. 

The kind of appreciation partners in a D/s relationship show for one another may be  foreign in this day and age.  It’s easier to assume that a sub is simply weak and worshiping the first Alpha that comes along, but I assure you there’s a certain strength that’s required to open up to someone as we do. A very real and beautiful strength coupled with honest vulnerability. 

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Becoming your Mother

We think intelligence shields us from emotion. Then Life proves us wrong.  As one prone to depression and mood swings I can tell you that when your mind sets upon an idea, no matter how harmful it may be to you, your intellect tends to contribute to your [emotional/internal] downfall. All mantras and affirmations are thrown out the window as phrases like “You are beautiful and you should love yourself” lose precedence to the more cynical “They lied. You know better than to trust in the words of people.”

 

I’m no stranger to body image issues. We can all relate to feelings of inadequacy and most of us have had and continue to have the 2 AM “I will change my Life in the morning” moments when everything seems attainable with a little effort and possibilities seem to lie in wait, to grow under the guidance of the soon to be rising Sun.  I however, have not paid attention to these issues for years.  The logical part of me took over and I decided, if I can walk, run when I need to [my smoker’s lungs don’t allow for random running] and fit into my clothes, I’m fine. 

Until recently. 

 

During one of my not so appealing bouts of Fuck My Life  someone said to me, “Why do you look such a mess? I mean I’d still fuck but, I don’t know you to be this way.” And as much as I laughed it off, it’s been on mind for probably over a month now.

Why? Maybe because he said it at a time when my mind was ready and willing to accept every unflattering thing one could say in order to justify it’s already despondent thoughts at the time.  Maybe because, being an emotional masochist, a part of me enjoys having something to add to the file marked “Reasons Why You Sometimes Really Ain’t Shit” in my mind. 

 

It’s a funny thing when you think about it. Really, when one’s going through a time when all they’d really like to do is die, why would they even bother with looking pretty for the outside world? I’m not worried about being hit on by you, I’m worried about how I’m going to be able to leave the house tomorrow, assuming I make it through tonight.  A “You don’t understand, things are rough” didn’t seem to quite make him understand why I was as I was and so I left it.

 

While discussing it with a certain Sir he said to me “I don’t even know why you’d pay attention to that, you’re so smart. Have you..Do you even see yourself though? Goddamn.” And he looked at me in a way I haven’t seen in a while. In awe. 

 

The whole experience made me realize, what you know doesn’t save you from making silly decisions, accepting less than you deserve and words of affirmation could be nothing more than pretty lies if you tell yourself so.

 

I know a  Lady, she’s beautiful, young, ambitious and tied down to a man who treats her like surplus meat.  Does she know she can do better? Yes.  Is she lacking options? No. So why is she staying?

 

I said yesterday that I realize we’re becoming Women. We’re growing and even though our private school education, feminism and all round privilege made us think we’d be far from the women our mothers became, at the end of the day, somehow, we end up there. 

 

We’ve grown to undermine our mothers’ experiences and really it seems, only age and our own parallel experiences will humble us. And I’m taking them as they come.  We’re taking them as they come. 

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The art of loving a travelling man

He said “There’s only one person I love. Myself, alone. I don’t want this other shit.” and I wondered why the girls who cry over him, do.

When you’ve heard a man express to you that he will always come first? Firstly, do you not hear him? Second, why burden yourself with the task of attempting to change him?

There are men who will never belong to you.   Men who do not take chances with affection and would sooner cut loose and forget about you than risk remembering your smile before he falls asleep. Men who will reach for you one moment and fold his arms up the next. And you have to remember that sometimes, it’s nothing personal. ‘

It’s not about him refusing to love You, it’s about him preserving His heart, in his eyes. You are merely a statistic, the faceless embodiment of possibilities that he is not willing to explore.

Often we assume that a man who will not cling to you, no matter how much he may seem to have an interest in you, is flawed. Why? Because we assume he’ll be back, he just needs time to “figure himself out”? We assume we will be the exception to the rule and we will change his Life by showing him the wonders of monogamy and the Beauty of faithful, committed love.

But have you ever once observed a man without expectation? Dated him, slept with him, and merely wanted to learn him as a human being that you interact with. Sometimes we get the most out of being a part of someone’s Life simply by being the observer.  The rocks on the shore that experience both the crashing waves and the water’s caress when at Peace, and still remain as they are, as it’s in their nature to be, stable. Sometimes the water’s turmoil is none of your business. Sometimes your mission is not to stop the crashing waves.

Which is why I listened when he said we were alright, and was only briefly annoyed when he left two days later.  I’d observed him long enough to know that what he’d said was a lie because he holds eye contact when he lies then breaks it quickly to hide the guilt. I wasn’t mad when he lashed out at me a week later because it had nothing to do with me, and so I laughed it off. I did not think of him for a month, he lived as he pleased, and when he saw it convenient, he called. We met. We argued. We drank. I went home. I felt my heart begin to get confused and my mind remind it that this was as it was. That we know him as he is and no, we will not be The One.

The One to teach him about Love, he has known it.

The One to tie him down, he has a mother to be committed to.

The One that got away, that spot’s taken.

We will not be The One to do anything but Be.

He said he loves it when girls get mad at him, and laughed. Why? Because he wants to know that he makes them feel what his Ex caused him to feel. I however, as I told him, am a narcissist who feels what she wants as she wants, and unlike the others, I do not stay mad.  I do not stay caring.

Like my friend.  She had similar experiences with him and continues to be angry, months later. She doesn’t understand why I can still speak to him, sit on his lap, share a cigarette with him and even look him in the eye, when she can’t.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with him. He’s twisted. Who does that?” she says, holding back tears that are months overdue.

I ask her if she didn’t see that he was self-centered from the beginning and she goes quiet.

Did she want to love him? I ask. She looks away.

I ask why, she says he was “nice”.

I ask why she didn’t just appreciate it and leave it at that.

You see, he may be self-centered but he remains respectful.  Apart from refusing to fall in love, there is nothing about him that would make a woman feel bad. Nothing that he says nor does in any way disrespects women, and yet many of us will choose to hate men like him simply because they can’t be tied down.

It doesn’t seem logical that we’re holding on to dreams we’ve been sold by The Notebook, controlled by a need to have a better half, to the point where we hate the people we can’t train and seduce into submission.

Do we even bother to get to know the people we so desperately want to be linked to? Do you  know what triggers him? Will you be able to accept that sometimes they will need to go? To be their own person? Will you trust them? Do you know that a relationship actually requires understanding and not just tagged Facebook pictures and Goodnight texts? Do you really?

Will you respect that person enough to let them Be? Even if that means not always Being with you.

Can you understand that sometimes being there for or with someone doesn’t always mean possessing them?

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“That Baby Don’t Look Like Me!”

Boy meets Girl. Boy tells his friends she’s a “Bad looking little bitch with a fat ass” and approaches.  Girl plays coy but exchanges numbers with him nonetheless.  Boy wakes up and sees an unknown number, remembers, and the flirting begins.

Two weeks later boy ends up at girl’s house. Boy and girl begin to do what grown folk do, except he doesn’t have a condom. He stops. She says her period ended two days ago so she’s on her “safe period”. Girl straddles him, kisses him softly, grinds on him, well aware of the fact that one often reaches a point of no return when Lust is involved, no matter how rational they may be otherwise. Boy stops her and says they can do this, but if she falls pregnant, he doesn’t care because he didn’t want to do this, she insisted. She says it’s fine.

Four rounds later, boy goes home.

Six months later, girl calls. She’s pregnant.

Boy hangs up.

What happened was, all of this. Except Boy is a Man in his late twenties and Girl her early twenties.

He told me his story proudly as we walked, on our way home.  With a crisp “No, fuck that bitch” at the end of it.

I was speechless.

He’s proudly saying that he wants nothing to do with a child that may be his because he told his mother he wouldn’t look after the child should she fall pregnant.  There’s a little boy out there with his genes, and he won’t acknowledge his existence because he simply doesn’t want to.

On the one hand, fine, let’s be honest, that Lady should have known better.  Whether or not she was on her “safe period”, she had sex with basically, a stranger, who outright told her he would not care about what happened afterward.  Why not get the morning after pill?

She called him hopeful. Thinking that knowing he had created a Life with her, he may care, may bother. He didn’t.

From what I gather, he once gave her a bit of money to take the boy to the clinic, other than that, he’s made no contribution towards the child’s well-being in any way. He proudly says “No, I don’t give a fuck, I told her” and continues to tell me how she recently called him to inform him she’s considering moving on to find a man to cater to her and her child’s needs, to which his response was…wait for it..Can you guess?

“I don’t give a fuck.”

I still don’t know how to feel about it. Two silly people met, had sex, and created a large mess they can’t be mature enough to resolve.

Why would a woman be that irresponsible?

Why would a man be that callous?

How could two parents be so  immature? So selfish? So.. Childish?

So Girl had a boy by the Boy and seems to be trying to be a Woman.

Boy remains a Boy.

A father to a boy who might just grow up to be just like him.

A little man who’ll grow up to relate a little too well to J.Ivy’s “Dear Father.”

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