romance

My Milkshake, My Instinct and my Yard

I adore seduction. There’s a certain intensity when it comes to interacting with someone you want to sleep with and yet haven’t, that’s unparalleled. At that point in time, you’re your most alert, your most charming, and they are too. It’s an electric time where the simple lingering touch of another’s hand or a look with a coy smile could provide more satisfaction than an actual kiss at that moment. I love the suspense, the charm, the sheer brilliance of the simplest of moments.

The romance with the blatant sexuality. 

I always say I have no idea how to flirt. In actual fact, I’m not really sure HOW I attract people, I like to think I give off a certain Angelina Jolie-esque smoldering gaze but I could be wrong. For all I know, when I’m being truly honest with myself, my seduction process is basically me squinting a lot as I turn my head to look interested and drop a lot of sexual innuendo in conversation. Tell me that’s not brilliant..

I find I prefer to seduce rather than attain [in the relationship sense]. To be fairly honest, most of my sexual conquests are out of sheer curiosity. I meet people and wonder what they look like when they cum, how their hands may feel, what they might like or want to try, and based on that, I pursue them. It’s more about satisfying my curiosity than actual lust.

There are lovers who are wide eyed when they brush their fingers against your lower lip and you suck them. Those who are pleasantly surprised when you’re the one slipping their hands into your pants and those who simply want you to pretend to make love to them.  Lovers who tentatively traipse into bed with you, with hidden desires and fears, expecting the same routine only for you to show them that it’s okay to be free. To help them explore that side of themselves, even if it’s only for one night, as it usually is.

And sometimes, rarely, but sometimes, it worries me that I sample people in bed the way one might try exotic dishes. 

After one such encounter recently with a friend, he began to avoid me and when I confronted him about it, he said it’s because he thought I might expect more from him. Truth be told I got a healthy, hearty laugh from that one and had to sit him down to explain that no, in fact, I expect nothing more from him and as far as I’m concerned, it didn’t really happen and no, it isn’t such a big deal. Besides, he has a girlfriend who I consider beneath me so dating me, God forbid, would probably wreck his brain. 

He was confused, still is, and is currently convinced that there must be something wrong with someone who isn’t seeking anything from anyone else in that way.  It’s odd to him that no, I don’t want to be loved romantically, nor do I really need an orgasm most times. 

I could simply be looking for experiences and nothing more. This could just be a phase. 

And if it isn’t, I could be Sharon Stone’s character in  Basic Instinct, in the making.

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Thoughts on Love

It’s when you have to explain unconditional love to people that you realize just how loveless the average person is. For many of us, it’s “I love her because she’s always been there for me/He cares” or some other mess. Which means when they stop all that, you won’t love them the same, if at all.

And that right there is what we have. I give you BECAUSE you give me.
I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with it. I, personally, can do without that though. 
When two people care about each other and someone says “You should be together”. What makes you think they aren’t already together?Of course what they mean is “You should parade your Love in front of everyone so we believe it’s authenticity.” And isn’t that a shame..That you need other people to see it and comment on it in order to believe it truly exists.
What I’ve learned is that the people you change for don’t love you the way they should. They never do. Nothing, nothing beats simply BEING with someone, as you are. Free to speak your mind, to laugh, hurt..do NOTHING, but Be. Comfortable. It doesn’t even need to be romantic. But you always fall in love with the people you truly love. You love them in all ways.
There’s a difference between belonging to each other by choice and being tied down to one another because you want to own what you “love”. You can never own a human being. Even the one that you create is not yours.A lot of us spend our time uncomfortable, answering silly questions, trying to care about people the way we think we’re “supposed” to.
What do you know about Comfortable love? No, I don’t mean, We’ve Known Each Other For A Long Time love.Intimacy. Something unaffected by time.
Have you ever met a person you just..fell into..? They feel like home from the very moment you stop pretending to be put together.We spend most of our time with other humans trying to be Less Than what we are to make them comfortable.
Who thinks you’re beautiful simply because you exist? Not because they like your face, or what you do for them, but because you Are…
The only thing a person who cares about you should “let” you do is be what you want to be. Understanding between two people is so precious. I can’t stress this enough. 
Everybody else is outside. And you can try to paint a picture for them but.. It’s never enough.. You can’t EXPLAIN beauty.
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Make it Nasty: Sex And Violence

A hand squeezing tighter around her neck as she attempts to take shallower breaths.  She arches her back and feels the sting of a forming bruise on her backside. Nails dig into the back of her neck as teeth sink into her skin.  She’s roughly pushed further up and her legs shoved apart as the warm breath on her inner thigh signals a presence and as she breathes out “Wait, no..” and whimpers another set of teeth sink into her thigh and a hand reaches up to choke her again as another slaps her across the face. 

I wouldn’t be shocked  if that image turned you on.  Rough sex has become more and more appealing to us, leaking into everyday sex scenes and intimate moments on television and in books. The woman abruptly pushed up against a wall in an alley by her lover, roughly grabbed, then kissed.  Such images have made the majority of us crave that kind of raw passion, the lack of control that seems to accompany intense desire. And when you look at it like that, as merely passionate, it’s fine I guess.

But I’ve never really cared much for what’s going on on the surface.

At the height of my infatuation with being used, I felt I was losing control.  The bruises were darker and lasted longer, the bite marks would  draw blood, I’d get choked til I almost passed out and being hit didn’t bother me that much, in fact,  none of these things bothered me at all. I wanted to understand why.

Yes, I was into BDSM, sure, I liked rough sex, but why didn’t I have limits? Why wasn’t I scared to hurt myself by letting others take their frustrations out on me sexually?

On the surface I decided it could simply be Desire. I found it appealing, so I wanted it.

Underneath that, daddy issues. My father was a cold man and so I was intimate with men who could hurt me with my consent, thus creating a balance between their affection [sex] and rejection and pain.

Beneath that, society. When did we decide the abuse of women  is appealing? No, this has nothing to do with those who willingly walk into it and accept it, this is about those who are coaxed into believing it’s for any and every woman.

Two things happened last week that triggered this.

1) A lady on Twitter asked why we found violence appealing in the case of phone sex, or rather that was the example she used.  Things like “I want to destroy your pussy”, “I’m going to leave you a mess, unable to even move or speak”, “I wanna ravage your ass” are in actual fact, rather violent statements.  If you are so affectionate, why is it that you show it by seemingly “destroying” me? What, love is pain?

2)I came across a Tumblr post by a Lady who said she wanted to prove that we find women more appealing when bloodied and bruised, and dear God, I’m ashamed to say she was right.  She was pretty when she was plain, but her ragged picture afterwards was just so darn attractive. And that scared me.

There’s a certain yearning in the eyes of women who want to be hurt in any way possible.  Women who’ve accepted their reality as everyone else’s punching bag and have decided to roll with the punches, seek them out even.

We live in a society that’s saturated with images of violence and pain that it would be shocking if we hadn’t become desensitized to it and romanticized it.

It’s like Russian roulette every time you have that scarf around your throat, it could go either way and that’s part of the thrill. But do you know that?

Do you know that possibly, you aren’t satisfying your desires but being the cloth someone else leaves their frustrations on? And you helplessly yet willingly walk into these situations because it’s where you feel you need to be, what you need to have.

We’re led to believe we should want to be thrown about like rag dolls and we should think certain behaviours romantic but I call Bullshit.  I personally am extremely uncomfortable with it. Being pulled towards someone, having someone pin me up against a wall, anyone who I haven’t given prior consent doing things they think I’ll like .

Is it supposed to be non threatening because it’s someone that you know?  Because for me it’s all scary. Why would it be okay because it’s someone you have a platonic relationship with shoving you down and kissing you even though you didn’t want it? Because at least it wasn’t a stranger? It’s a stranger to your body,no?

The fact that we’ve romanticized being overpowered and imposed  this on people means many people don’t know where to draw the line between rapey behaviour and what they actually find sexy.

I’m saying we need to think sometimes about why we want certain things rather than just go with it. Especially if what you think you like constantly feels odd to you somehow.

Sometimes who/what we think we are is merely a product of our environment and not truly Us. And the sooner you know, the better.

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