Kids, let me tell you the key to getting along with a lot of people. A rather simple tweak to your current attitude towards Life that may have been hindering you from making friends who’re comfortable around you and keeping you from lovers who might adore you..
Have low self esteem.
I know, I know..everyone’s telling you to have more confidence right? Believe in yourself and know your worth right? But let me tell you what happens when you do.
Everybody knows all strong, intelligent women die and end up as Madea characters in Heaven. And I don’t mean the lead. No, the odd looking sister who has a story but not enough of one for us to bother with the details. The one who ends up broken and finds love with a broke bus driver who only has poetry and Chinese take-out to offer. That one.
How do you avoid this?
Downplay all your talent and prowess.
The only things you should openly admit to being good at are keeping quiet and listening, cooking and cleaning. Don’t you know that it’s 2013 and the only time a woman should exercise her Freedom is when it’s appealing to a man? When you step out of your comfort zone [In the kitchen, on your knees] to have a threesome or, in a rather daring move, share a beer with him.
People don’t like partners with opinions [contrary to theirs], I thought Steve Harvey already told you. Did you skip the “How to stop thinking and finally keep a man” chapter? Honestly. How will you ever fulfill yours and every other woman’s dream of settling down with a man who’ll stifle your ambition and mould you into a younger version of his mother that he can fuck with all that independence?
It simply will not occur.
Have you seen those women who prioritize, put themselves first and hold their heads high? Comfortable in their knowledge of Self and worth?
Who wants them? I mean.. Assuming they want one, they usually end up with supportive, equally strong partners who’re on their wavelength but..Who’s willing to wait for that long right?
Be a good little girl and think you’re nothing more than a servile creature, created from a part of a Man that he didn’t necessarily need, and go forth.
No decent woman is comfortable with her body. Only sluts are, and you don’t wanna be that, do you? I thought not. Hate your body. Tell yourself you will always need more here and less there. Hide it. Have sex in the dark and ask your partner to keep their hands on your neck or in yours. If they can’t, to themselves. Cover up or show too much in a form of emotional torture only you feel the full impact of.
Never be content.
Never be happy.
Hate parts of yourself passionately, with dedication, it’s what you’ve been taught to do, so do it.
Laugh it off in public as you discuss it with equally insecure friends, seeking reassurance and not finding it from those as broken as you.
Tell yourself this is your Life. As it should be.
Work and Passion
Don’t be a bitch. I know that Lady wrote that book about why men love bitches but I promise you, it’s a lie. You’ll just be the assertive..I mean, angry..
woman bitch in the office earning more than the men, skipping between your e-mail tab and your vibrator order form.
You don’t need success in the workplace. Come on, we leave that for Beyonce. You, dear honey, sweet thing, only need to do enough to get by. You might mess around and actually achieve all you want, which might in turn scare all your potential suitors, meaning you’ll be alone and shame your parents. Don’t do it.
When applying for a job, put the basics. “Works well with others..Can work for long periods of time without supervision” you know, that. Don’t appear spectacular. Don’t show the world you actually can do anything, and do it exceptionally well at that. That’s showing off, at the very least, being proud, and that, Lady considering speaking out of turn, is for men. Confidence and drive are for men.
They don’t call it having “balls” for no reason.
Say you aren’t as amazing as you are.
Say your work isn’t all that good.
Say the world could do without what you contribute it.
People will love you.
– Signed with Love,
Society and The Patriarchy
They will love that you’re a woman who “knows her place”. One who they don’t deem threatening, one who won’t change anything. A safe place.
They will adore you.
They will love you so much they’ll all pile onto you at once, seeking to get a piece of you, ripping you apart and keeping souvenirs.
Some will take your last bit of Confidence. Others your hope. Others your sense of Self. Everyone will have pieces of you and all you will have left is your reflection.
But hey, at least they’ll love you, right?