satire

A Letter from Society, to you: How dare you have confidence?

Kids, let me tell you the key to getting along with a lot of people. A rather simple tweak to your current attitude towards Life that may have been hindering you from making friends who’re comfortable around you and keeping you from lovers who might adore you..

Have low self esteem. 

I know, I know..everyone’s telling you to have more confidence right? Believe in yourself and know your worth right? But let me tell you what happens when you do. 

 

Relationships

Everybody knows all strong, intelligent women die and end up as Madea characters in Heaven. And I don’t mean the lead. No, the odd looking sister who has a story but not enough of one for us to bother with the details. The one who ends up broken and finds love with a broke bus driver who only has poetry and Chinese take-out to offer. That one.

How do you avoid this?

Downplay all your talent and prowess.

The only things you should openly admit to being good at are keeping quiet and listening, cooking and cleaning. Don’t you know that it’s 2013 and the only time a woman should exercise her Freedom is when it’s appealing to a man? When you step out of your comfort zone [In the kitchen, on your knees] to have a threesome or, in a rather daring move, share a beer with him. 

People don’t like partners with opinions [contrary to theirs], I thought Steve Harvey already told you. Did you skip the “How to stop thinking and finally keep a man” chapter? Honestly. How will you ever fulfill yours and every other woman’s dream of settling down with a man who’ll stifle your ambition and mould you into a younger version of his mother that he can fuck with all that independence? 

It simply will not occur. 

Have you seen those women who prioritize, put themselves first and hold their heads high? Comfortable in their knowledge of Self and worth? 

Who wants them? I mean.. Assuming they want one, they usually end up with supportive, equally strong partners who’re on their wavelength but..Who’s willing to wait for that long right? 

Be a good little girl and think you’re nothing more than a servile creature, created from a part of a Man that he didn’t necessarily need, and go forth. 

Body Image 

No decent woman is comfortable with her body. Only sluts are, and you don’t wanna be that, do you? I thought not. Hate your body. Tell yourself you will always need more here and less there. Hide it. Have sex in the dark and ask your partner to keep their hands on your neck or in yours. If they can’t, to themselves. Cover up or show too much in a form of emotional torture only you feel the full impact of.

Never be content.

Never be happy. 

Hate parts of yourself passionately, with dedication, it’s what you’ve been taught to do, so do it.

Laugh it off in public as you discuss it with equally insecure friends, seeking reassurance and not finding it from those as broken as you. 

Tell yourself this is your Life. As it should be. 

Work and Passion

Don’t be a bitch. I know that Lady wrote that book about why men love bitches but I promise you, it’s a lie.  You’ll just be the assertive..I mean, angry..woman  bitch in the office earning more than the men, skipping between your e-mail tab and your vibrator order form.  

You don’t need success in the workplace. Come on, we leave that for Beyonce. You, dear honey, sweet thing, only need to do enough to get by. You might mess around and actually achieve all you want, which might in turn scare all your potential suitors, meaning you’ll be alone and shame your parents. Don’t do it.

When applying for a job, put the basics. “Works well with others..Can work for long periods of time without supervision” you know, that. Don’t appear spectacular. Don’t show the world you actually can do anything, and do it exceptionally well at that. That’s showing off, at the very least, being proud, and that, Lady considering speaking out of turn, is for men. Confidence and drive are for men.

They don’t call it having “balls” for no reason. 

Be modest.

Be chaste. 

Say you aren’t as amazing as you are.

Say your work isn’t all that good.

Say the world could do without what you contribute it. 

People will love you. 

– Signed with Love,

Society and The Patriarchy 

 

They will love that you’re a woman who “knows her place”.  One who they don’t deem threatening, one who won’t change anything. A safe place.

They will adore you.

They will love you so much they’ll all pile onto you at once, seeking to get a piece of you, ripping you apart and keeping souvenirs. 

Some will take your last bit of Confidence. Others your hope. Others your sense of Self. Everyone will have pieces of you and all you will have left is your reflection.

But hey, at least they’ll love you, right? 

Right?

 

 

How to be a Lady

To be frank and honest I find a man labeling me a “Lady” as offensive as the average woman finds the term “Bitch”.  

The idea of being a “Lady” was created by a group of men who wanted trophies to parade among  themselves and use for their every whim without hearing so much as a whimper from them.  It was then carried around by women who adopted it, possibly because they wanted to get chose and now the rest of us are plagued with this “Be a Lady” bullshit.

But since most women are convinced we all need to act a certain way, I’m here to help.  I’m probably single and masturbating while reading novels because I’m not a Lady, and as a good woman and sister to you all, I’d like to save you from the trauma of spending your time focusing on yourself and self pleasuring. God forbid you actually do what you want and enjoy it.

Don’t think.

You have no business doing that, only Lesbians and Feminists think and look at them? Do they seem happy? No. They can’t be if they don’t have the Almighty Males at the center of their lives.

Detach yourself from all females. 

These women are out here lately drinking beer, writing, smoking and even buying sex toys. Sinful heathens the lot of them.  No man will pick you if you associate with them.  And that’s what we live for isn’t it? To be loved by men? Let go. 

You know that face you pull when you’re trying really hard to push that last bit out..?

Give it all the time. The same “I’m really trying to drop this deuce” smile. Never laugh in public, if anything, giggle. Only whores laugh in public because they’re trying to clear the cum from their throats. Remember this. 

Pick out all your clothes with the intent to impress men.

From the neighborhood drunk to the man who collects the garbage. Wear lingerie to watch TV and text your boss with lipstick on. So what if they can’t see? The fact remains that the Universe realizes that you’re trying to make the effort and will reward you.

Never consume anything in public.

Not even water. Why? Are you a thirsty bitch? Just don’t do it.

Spend all your money on make up and slimming teas.

It’s in the Good Book. “Do whatever you can to please every man”. Let this be in your mind at all times.  Ladies are not worthy of love unless they make sure every man they encounter leaves with the desire to lock them up in their houses and make them do housework.

Don’t wear pants.

They are not meant for you. Are you an authoritative figure? Jeans are for home-wreckers and On The Go prostitutes. Never be caught dead in anything a nun wouldn’t wear.

 

Don’t read books. Don’t better yourself any way but physically.

Real ladies know what’s inside doesn’t matter. Be a vacuum, men love that shit and they’ll soon be knocking at your door.

Don’t listen to music.

It’ll give you ideas. And we do not want you to think. Let this be your motto.

Do not shave your pubes until you have a possible Husband.

Only sluts and whores have no pubic hair. Why? Because the demons living in their vaginas might get lonely and need company that’s why. No hair makes it easier to access their Hell Holes. Keep your pubic hair for as long as it takes you to get chose. He’ll appreciate the effort. 

Your anus is a dirty place

So only shit..defecate..when it’s ABSOLUTELY necessary. Can’t get too used to that hole being open right Ladies? Might fuck around..I mean..mess around..and get ideas.

Don’t get an education beyond High School.

I told you, those things are for lesbians and feminists. Carry a random book around with a cheerful cover to please people’s eyes. Make sure the cover is bright and has the wording in Italics. 

Never orgasm.

Ever. Do you want him to leave you and find someone purer because you fucked around.. I mean.. Mucked about and enjoyed sex? Don’t be dirty.

Never,ever have an opinion 

on anything. If you aren’t agreeing with a man or praising him, don’t speak. Ladies never have a say in anything and that is the REAL reason why the world keeps turning.  Don’t react to anything either. If you aren’t crying because you don’t understand how God blessed you with men and Taylor Swift, shut up. 

And never, ever, indulge in any worldly pleasures.

God did not create women to enjoy their lives. Don’t ruin this. 

I’ve tried. If you don’t get chose after sticking to these maybe your Vagina automatically gives you dirty Slut demons and you will never find Love. Unfortunately having brains and mouths makes it extra difficult for most of us as women to settle. Intelligence is such a burden and freedom of choice, the worst. 

I hope it goes well. It’s unfortunately too late for me because I’m already an alcohol drinking,   book reading smoker with dreams and ambitions, but maybe one day I’ll accept that I’m an educated Feminist Lesbian because of all the books I’ve read and just leave it be.

Adieu. 

Your Kind:

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Our Kind:

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