self actualization

How To Hate Your Life And Die Miserable

Change is terrifying, add that to the List Of Things The Adults Never Taught Me.  It gets harder to accept the older you get because nobody wants to play guessing games with their life.  If at all one believes in Destiny, and possibly finds comfort in the idea, it still isn’t enough to believe what is meant to be will simply be. There’s always a possibility that one might be veering off course, and that’s what keeps most people up at night.

I’m certain of three things in Life:

1. I have a talent.

2. I’ll die alone.

3. Shit gets fucked easily.

Whether one believes in them or not, sometimes, we get signs in Life.  Signs to show us what we need to be doing, who we need to be. Guidance.

I tend to feel a lot of things are repetitive in my life.  Like I know what to do, I just lack the courage.  I fear both abandoning this Life to create a new one and staying in this Life and hating every moment. And so, with things like that, I tend to feel I go nowhere.

And time passes.

It’s easy to lose your Life to grey areas. To stagnancy. To hopes and fears. 

It’s easy to die unfulfilled, all you need to do is nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Spend your time thinking and not doing.

Watch opportunities pass because you don’t know why you should even bother trying.

Feel guilty because you didn’t take that one, and wallow, resulting in you missing the rest.

 

I know nothing of destinies, but I know the feeling you get when you walk out on what you know is right for you.  I know what it feels like to waste time because you’re scared.

I know what it feels like for the safe option to be the one that kills you inside.

And they say “better the Devil you know” but I really think that’s bullshit. At the same time, I don’t think I’m one to talk.

Like everyone else, I’m scared.

Scared I don’t deserve what I want.

Scared I won’t get it because I don’t deserve it and all the trying in the world won’t do shit.

Scared to die nameless. 

Scared to die nameless and alone. 

Scared to die nameless and alone having tried at both making a difference and love. 

Scared to die disappointed, possibly. 

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Who are you living for?

I’m yet to meet a person who announces to the world that they’re going to change their life and actually does.  From drug addicts to layabouts, people pleasers to assholes, they all at some point proclaim “I’m done. From now on, there’s a new me” and I don’t know whether this New version of them malfunctions or it’s simply never created, but I’ve never encountered it.

Why people feel the need to proclaim their personal, internal changes to the world is beyond me. I guess in a society where we feel the need to share pictures of our food, the fact that we’re going to urinate and even that one is considering shaving, it was bound to come.

If eye rolling were an exercise, I’d have the fittest eyes around.  I probably do it too often  as I read these proclamations and promises to Future Selves, passive aggressive words heavy with urgency and defeat.

“From now on I no longer care what anyone else has to say. It’s about me now. I want to better myself and change into the person I’m meant to be.”

And that’s all good and well. Lovely.

But why tell the world what you won’t tell yourself?

I find more often than not, such people want affirmation and acknowledgement from others. Sometimes, simply, attention.

The “I quit drinking” every Sunday morning people.

The “I no longer want to have meaningless sex” and yet still having one night stands on the sly people.

The “From now on I’m gonna be confident” but I’m only saying that so you people acknowledge I said it people.

“You don’t get cookies for doing what you’re supposed to do.”

I don’t think people understand this.

You aren’t entitled to a standing ovation for bettering yourself as a person. Not for doing what’s best for yourself, no, you don’t.

I understand that for most people, they want some sort of reward for going through distress but honestly, even when it comes to doing something for yourself that you feel you’ll benefit from?

Why should your relationship with your Self include other people? See, this is where people get it wrong. We’re so busy being out of ourselves and in the world, whether on the internet or otherwise, that we forget that We are all we have.

That’s why we have people who can’t make a decision without someone else’s input, even if it’s a stranger.

That’s why we have those “Wanna dye my hair. Red or purple?” people.

Those “I want to sleep but I’m hungry. What do you think I should do guys?” people.

I feel these kinds of people are exactly like those who want to tell the world about their decision to do something that affects no one but themselves.

People who constantly ask for advice irk me. I feel like they make you responsible for their life and that, in my eyes, is not only disrespectful, it’s a lot of pressure that the next person doesn’t need. No one needs to be living someone else’s life on their behalf.

If you are one of these people I ask you, why?

How difficult is it to ask yourself about things that are only your business and see how you feel about it?

How difficult is it to be responsible to and for yourself?

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Martin Taught Me

No, not Luther King, Lawrence.

He was Madea before Tyler Perry.

Sans the perpetuating of all Black stereotypes and monotonous story-lines.

Here’s a list of things Martin taught me with a wig, press-on nails and lots of sass.

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1. When it comes to trans people, refer to them as they’d like to be referred to.

We all knew Martin was Sheneneh. Sure. It was evident. But I love how no one, at any point in time made any negative remarks or questioned her authenticity as a woman.

That was a valuable lesson I think he was trying to get across.

Gina: Maybe I can give you some advice on girl stuff or something like that..

Sheneneh: …You thinking like your friend huh? That I ain’t ladylike and stuff huh?

Gina: No, that is not true. Look at your hair, your nails and your jewelry, I think you’re very ladylike.

Sheneneh: Because Sheneneh is a round the way fillet.

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Respect it.

2. “If a man don’t like you for you then he can just step off, aiiiite?”

3. When it comes to drinking 40s.. Or if you’re down here, Black Label quarts, you don’t drink it outta the glass, you got to take it to the head. 

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4.  Sometimes 

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5.  “Don’t be trying to trip, if you ain’t rich. Sheneneh ain’t no trick. Better have a grip. And if you ain’t got no rims on your hooptie, don’t be tryna scoop me.”

If you don’t understand..the message is similar to Destiny Child’s “Independent women”. Basically.

6. Never be afraid to tell someone you’ll buss their ass. Even if you never actually do.

7. You better work. 

Sheneneh was a focused woman.  A weave technician with her own salon and designer weaves, including the “My man just got paid” weave. She also had numerous awards from hair shows.

Work.

8. Know you’re Fine, don’t need anyone to tell you. Know you’re Fine.

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9. Don’t be that person

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Very valid message actually, just overlook the threat at the end.

10. Evaluate everything.

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You, Yourself and You

“Life’s all about progression and transformation” I said as I passed the beer bottle over to a friend, wondering whether in this very moment, I was progressing.   Which led me to wonder if one has to be progressing all the time, and if you weren’t, were you falling back?

 

If Life’s taught me anything, it’s that it goes hand in hand with Loss.  Sometimes you push things out of your Life, and other times, they just go.  Friends come and go, dreams come and go, thoughts come and go.  I always marvel at how, despite the fact that we know change is the only constant in Life, we can’t seem to embrace it and go with it.  We’re always looking for some sort of stability.  We keep clothes that will never fit us, buy brands we’re used to, regardless of whether or not they do what they’re supposed to, and keep relationships that no longer do anything for us.

 

Eliminate things that no longer evolve you. — Erykah badu

 

I’ve been observing my relationships with people in my Life and wondering whether I truly need them there, trying to figure out if I need what they bring to the table. Birds of a feather flock together and as I observe some of them I realize, they simply don’t know how to Live, how to take responsibility for their lives, how to stand alone. How to exist as a lone being, and for me, that’s a necessity.

I believe in the importance of individuality, independence. You need to know how to be alone, how to think for yourself, how to grow on your own, what to take in and put out to keep growing.  Stagnancy is a trap, it’s a cage you don’t even know you’re in sometimes.  I know.

I’ve spent close to a year, maybe slightly more, at home, terrified of growing up. Of making any decisions, of living, because I was afraid I’d mess up.  As each day passed, I seemed to find more and more reasons as to why I should simply wait to die.  The possible shame of making a “wrong” life decision [which in this case, was about my academic life] weighed on me before I even bothered to CONSIDER what I’d do.

To many, that was a year wasted. I could’ve done so much in that time, right?

Gotten an online diploma maybe.  Found a job. Hell, gotten married.

But no, none of that.

I cried, I read, I thought, and I repeated all of this. And to quote Anais Nin “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

I got sick of seeing my face in the morning with the same uncertain look. I spent hours upon hours arguing with myself about what We want to do, who we want to be, and eventually, I put myself together.  Now, I appreciate all the uncertainty, all the time I felt I was wasting. I grew.

 

For many of us, it takes a lot before we can let go.  We don’t know when to, nor how to. We don’t know when a situation has run it’s course and even when it begins to hurt, we tell ourselves it’s a test to see whether we’re truly committed. Sometimes, that’s simply Life showing you that it’s done now. Some things, I dare say, most things, aren’t worth fighting for, especially if you aren’t even sure you want them.

In Setswana, there’s a saying that goes “Se nkganang se nthola morwalo”, which basically means, whatever repels me only relieves me of a burden.  Words to live by, don’t you think?

 

Most people will never be too ashamed to pass their burdens on to you.  Nor to bring, or keep, you down. A lot of people wouldn’t care if your mental maturity never goes past this point.  But you know, that’s them. It’s up to you to see to it that you become More.  And that will be your responsibility to yourself for as long as you’re here.

 

Who are you? What do you want? Do the people in your Life want the same for you? Will they help you become who you want to be? Are they people you’d like to be like?

You need to ask yourself.

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Mama said

  1. Never show a man you love him too much. They will see this and take advantage of it knowing you won’t leave.
  2. Never love a man too much i.e more than yourself. He can never give you more than you can give yourself for as long as you can.
  3. When you cook maize meal, add a bit of salt and oil.
  4. Your marriage won’t be worth much if your partner isn’t worth much. If you insist on settling down, let your partner build you.
  5. Take care of your body. Especially your figure and your skin. Your whole appearance as a Woman shows how you feel about yourself and has the power to give you the confidence you need.
  6. Buy attractive lingerie for yourself, not to show it off to someone else.
  7. Family is everything. Friends come and go but if you find those worth keeping, do so. 
  8. Never let another person steal your joy. 
  9. Buy pretty bedding.
  10. Sometimes you need to pray. [Or as I call it, Talk to the Air.]

 

Sound advice, she’s tried.

 

But as I found myself thinking about my future children, especially my daughters, I grew distressed trying to figure out what to teach them and how.

See, I believe my mother didn’t teach me what I feel my daughter should know. And I understand why. For her, some of the greatest lessons have come about through trial and error and being reactive to certain situations which, probably could have been avoided had one of us been proactive, but I understand because she isn’t as vocal as I am and hope to be by the time I have kids. 

She didn’t tell me that boys would lie until I’d already been lied to and led down undesirable paths in the name of Love.

She didn’t prepare me for the emotional Beast I’d become once a month when my hormones kick in.  The Education system failed me here too. Y’all just made it seem like a bit of bleeding, not cramps that feel like a kick to the vagina resulting in what looks like a Spartan battlefield on a good/bad day. The anger, emotional texts to Ex’s [although that could just be me] none of that.

She didn’t tell me that as a female, you’re a walking target. I guess I understand why. My mother doesn’t really see things the way that I do. She still victim blames, I admit, but a lot of her generation does. Also, I doubt she would have wanted me to grow up looking over my shoulder expecting to have something happen but, I feel it’s something every girl should know. Rather rob them of their childhood with honesty than have them end up in a situation far worse because they were naive.

Pregnancy scares. We don’t discuss those obviously. I doubt we ever will, but I want to with my daughter. I guess we’ll squeeze it into the Sex Talk.  One of the few times we discussed pregnancy I brought up abortion and my mother was mortified. “We don’t kill what God creates” she said. I laughed and said those are her views and we’d need to be logical and consider whether bringing a child into the world would be the best thing. She said I was speaking like the Devil, which amused me. I know though that I don’t want my daughter feeling obligated to keep a child because of emotional blackmail. I want her, should she find herself in that position, to make an informed decision.

She never told me to know when to leave a man, I found that out the hard way.  

I learned that one should avoid patriarchal men like the plague out in the world too. My daughter will know the same. Although I guess the “Have a partner who builds you” part covered that.

Cook because you want to, not because you have to, for someone else. I hate that. Having to interrupt your time of doing Peaceful Nothing to fix a meal for someone who’ll probably decide it’s not worth it and sleep by the time you’re done. 

I believe Sundays are peaceful. For solitude and everything else you want. Sundays are Selfish days, to be worshiped. I’ll tell my daughter. 

Mama always wanted a happy family that bonds over dinner and cooks together and laughs all the time and such. We are the exact opposite. She knows her children love her but I always tell her, personally, I don’t feel the need to always be in my family’s presence. I spend a fair amount of time alone and there isn’t anything wrong. She says it’ll lead to me being in an unhappy household, I tell her I don’t want to raise kids  who are dependent on another person for comfort, it’s simply how I am. 

I drink quite a bit. I drink when I’m sad, when I’m happy and when I’m excited. No, it isn’t as often as you may think, but beer, wine, straights, they all get a pass with me. And no I don’t get sloppy drunk unless I’m home and with close friends, and even then, I never want to because I always want to know everyone is alright. My mother drinks a few glasses of wine every two months and thinks I’m an alcoholic. Dear Future Daughter, drink if you want to, just don’t be a fuck up.

Religion. If you haven’t figured it out by now, she’s religious. Christian. I was once, and then I read too many books and thought too much to continue believing in a White man in the Sky and virgins giving birth to Saviors. I hope my daughter isn’t religious, I won’t lie. Spiritual, yes please. But that’s her choice to make. 

Sexuality. I’m guessing you can figure out mother’s views on that. Marriage, monogamy, kids, the basics. I still have to explain to her how gay people have sex sometimes when she’s drunk and curious but thank god she’s not a homophobe. I want my daughter to do with her body as she pleases, to own herself.

I will stress the importance of an education. Not just degrees, they’re nice, but to be smart and know the world, understand people, understand yourself. Nothing’s more depressing than a person with a degree and an empty head, there’re too many running around.

I want her to know she’s always stronger than she knows and sometimes, than she wants to be, and her mother was too. 

I want her to know that Love is everything. And true Love, for anything or anyone, should never leave you feeling Less Than in anyway. 

And that mistakes happen and there is no shame in Living. 

I hope I raise a little Warrior. A beauty. An Amazonian Princess honestly. A woman who could have held her own had she been born in Sparta. Someone like Cleopatra. One who walks with pride and is firm in her knowledge of Self and depends on no none, needs no one, who isn’t worth it. I hope I raise a Queen who unfortunately, will know loneliness because those of her kind will be rare in society, but I know she will seek out and find comfort in like minded people.

I know a fair amount of the lessons will come about as me being reactive too. I realize that with parenting. I appreciate what my mother has taught me and what she kept from me, she was doing the best she could and I will do the same. Maybe one day my daughter too will point out what I could’ve taught her but didn’t. And that’s alright.

The whole point of relationships is to learn. My mother has taught me and I have taught her. Lessons I hope we both spread out into the world. 

Lessons of Love. 

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All Falls Down

The first decision I ever made as an adult was to drop out of school.

As my mother stared at me in disbelief, tears in her eyes, she asked me why and I said “I want to be happy. I’m not happy.” and started crying. She looked at me like I’d gone mad as my father rolled his eyes.

Ware [You say] happy? Get your degree and that will make you happy.”

I didn’t budge and neither did they.

My aunts came wondering what had gone wrong. My father stopped speaking to me and my mother seemed to wither away.

One of my aunts asked me why I wouldn’t go back and when I told her it’s because I didn’t want to, she said “Life is not about what you want” to which I responded “Then what is the point in living?” She didn’t have an answer for me.

I stayed home for close to a year. Wallowing mostly. In self pity, shame.

Was I wrong? Why couldn’t I be miserable and yet focused like the other kids? Had I shamed my family because I didn’t want to be one of those people who wake up at 36 and think “Fuck. I wasted it all.”

The worst part was, I didn’t know what exactly I wanted to do. I had simply jumped off a cliff with no parachute and I felt silly.

My father would lie to people as I stood next to him and tell them I was still a Business student. My mother would look away, smile her sad smile and sigh. Me? I became annoyed with society. It was then that I realized just how expectations can steal your joy if you let them.

I wasn’t doing what I was expected to do and so I was considered a failure.

I had to choose between going back and soldiering on, hating every moment, and getting through where I was now.

I couldn’t go back.

Things had already gotten bad, how much worse could it get?

A few months later I applied and got accepted to a school in SA. Everything looked good, My mother was happy for me and we were excited. Until my father, being the one with the finances needed to pay for my fees said “I’m not paying for her to do anything that doesn’t make sense” and walked away.

10 days before I was set to leave.

Again, I wondered if I’d made the right decision.

After a few more months of self loathing and doubt I was finally accepted to study Journalism here.

I can’t say I was happy, I try to avoid that, but I can tell you it felt right.

Were my parents pleased now?

No, not really.

Because Journalism wasn’t a “real course” and they wanted me to go back and try Business again.

What I learned from that is as  much as parents claim to have good intentions, a lot of them need to tell us outright “I will only be happy with your Life if it goes how I want it to.”

Now, when people ask me what I do with my Life I have a very proud “Nothing” ready. For the next month or so. Then I explain why and I get the “You’ll be starting first year again?” question like that’s the worse thing to ever happen to someone.

And I proudly say “Yes, doing a course I love.”

The sooner you decide what you need to do, the better.

A lot of people don’t even realize that in a few years, they’ll be miserable. They think they’re in a bad space now, but when you look back and see all the time you wasted and none of it was because you wanted to do it, you didn’t enjoy any of it, there’s a certain kind of sadness and shame that creeps in.

Realizing you had all that time and all you did was give it to someone else to live for and through you.

We tend to look at people who think about their lives before deciding to live as idiots. As if they’re wasting their time and they’re weak but what’s so strong about following a routine everyone else has?

Some people are content doing what they’re supposed to.

Others only know how to live how they want to.

But I get it though.

“The concept of school seemed so secure.” – Kanye West

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Back to Black

Oppressor: Well I’m not harming you directly anymore, why are you still mad?

Oppressed: Because I want you to apologize.

Oppressor: But it’s done.

Oppressed: Not for me it isn’t, which is why I can’t move on.

Oppressor: I can’t do anything about how you are now. It’s your fault you’re still sad, let go. Look at you, you’re pathetic.

Oppressed: But….

And this is how it goes.  I never understand why as people we put so much weight on apologies, especially in today’s society where a person with a true conscience is hard to find.

In an ideal world, empathy would be normal, we wouldn’t need to remind people to sympathize.  Remorse would be a rare yet powerful thing to feel, as would shame.  We would not know the confusion that comes with being a victim, we wouldn’t know what it means to put yourself in another’s shoes just to try and figure out why they act a certain way.

In an ideal world, equality would not be something to fight for, freedom wouldn’t be an illusion, we would not be fighting our own thoughts everyday to remind ourselves that we are worthy of respect, or that respecting another human being is necessary, right.

I have never seen, and still don’t, the point in expecting oppressors to all of a sudden feel remorse because you can finally show the pain that they’ve caused you.  Do you not understand that the whole time they hurt you, they knew they were causing you pain? It was intentional. They chose to ignore their conscience,  their “humanity”, therefore there’s truly nothing to appeal to anymore.

As I thought about some Black people’s need to see some sort of genuine remorse, a sign of the accepted equality from those who have hurt them over the years, The Whites, The Boers, basically, the colonizers, I said to myself, Really, it’s kind of like a woman who was abused for years on end going back to her husband, scars still visible, confidence shattered and heart still bruised, and saying ” I don’t care what you think of me anymore, but I need you to say Sorry for what you did.” Does it make sense? How do you think he’ll react?

Can people accept that they may never get an apology for what has happened? That there may never be any real change between our relationship with them and, to quote Janelle Monae “… [they’ll] add us to equations but they’ll never make us equal”? Can we accept that they may not even think they were wrong?

I read once somewhere that the whole Black  community needs counselling. I was young at the time and remember immediately being offended. What did they mean? I understand if they mean Black Americans but we’re fine. Besides how dare they make it seem like we aren’t able to get up off the ground? Don’t they know that black don’t crack? We shall overcome, always. Fuck their counselling.

As I’ve grown I’ve picked up on the subtle and apparent things I missed out on growing up.

Firstly, media.  I remember in High School when Obama got elected for the first term.  People were walking around campus with “GO OBAMA!” signs and I remember thinking “Man, the hell? We’re in Botswana though.” It all seemed disconnected to me and yet I marveled at how the American media could get us all into a frenzy over what was seemingly none of our business. “He’s Black, he’ll help” was the general feeling and I agreed for a bit until I remembered that even back in Slave times, there was always a House Nigger. The one who stayed close to Massa and made sure things ran smoothly. There was always the villager who learned the White man’s tongue in order to easily communicate when and how the people  planned to fight back. What was stopping him from being one such? The fact that he has sat by and watched what’s happening to the image and life of Assata Shakur happen, has been a sure sign for me.

I was pleased at Black people’s excitement over another’s advancement, and yet saddened by their naivete and how years of wearing “The Mask” as Maya Angelou put it, had actually made them forget that there is a bigger picture.

I’ve learned that we are not unrelated. People of Colour in the diaspora, and us, we feel a certain way that others cannot.  We understand pain, the Blues, we understand another’s behaviour not on a scientific level, but through feelings. We watch a news clip where an exasperated Black man jumped of a building and we don’t try and figure out why through interviews and behavioural analysis, we know that sometimes, things just get heavy on the heart. We aren’t bewildered when a starving mother who lives in the slums murders herself and her kids, we are saddened because it happens, and we know.

A lot of people are unaware of the fact that the media plays a huge role in the lack of drive and peace People of Colour seem to be susceptible to.  We look at the surface of it, yes they show us as unintelligent, rowdy neanderthals. Pawns in schemes. Loose, talent-less individuals. Sheep. Nothing worth being respected and a lot of people think “Oh no, I’m unaffected by it.” But do you consider just how much you take in on the daily? Commercials, the internet, news, shows, cartoons, magazines, advertisements, almost all of them have a hidden agenda that they’re pushing and a lot of us take them in.

I flipped through a magazine the other day and was furious.  Why were the women portrayed as airhead chefs whose main mission in life is to ooze sex appeal? Teen magazines that teach young girls to get their degree, but always remember to look pretty while doing so because a guy may be watching.  Married women who’re being emotionally abused being told to pray about it because God doesn’t like divorce and I decided, the media isn’t here for your benefit. You, in the grand scheme of things, are just a customer and a guinea pig. A part of a system that one can never really escape, but one doesn’t really need to be an active part of either.

Young Batswana men wearing fake Trukfit and calling us bitches as we cross the streets.  12 year olds with barely noticeable breasts trying their hardest to walk with their asses out. Parents who are too busy making money and keeping up appearances to bother with their children. Who are unable to discipline their kids because Dr Phil said not to, and a generation, a people, who’s convinced that bettering yourself makes one pretentious, and we still think we’re unaffected because we’re in Africa and some of us have never really had any real political struggles.

Raised knowing Botho means that for a lot of us, being treated badly comes as a shock. We don’t know how to act and that could possibly explain why we wait around, attempting to appeal to others’ humanity, but to quote Assata ““Nobody in the world, nobody in history, has ever gotten their freedom by appealing to the moral sense of the people who were oppressing them”.

You cannot go to your rapist and ask him to return your dignity/joy, it is something that you have to gather for yourself and force to thrive.

As people, we cannot continue to separate ourselves based on trivialities like we don’t have better things to do like repair our own Spirits and learn.   We’ve gotten comfortable with the abuse and the feeling of being Less Than and we don’t even know it.  We walk around with inflated egos based on the fact that one is lighter/ thinner than the other and raise kids who are willing to act mentally deficient by choice because that’s what we teach them and we’re shocked at the fact that we’re still treated like shit?

That we still get the “You speak so well, not like the others” mess. The way certain White people look at you like the owner of a proud puppy when you can use a smartphone and how the moment racial issues come up, they’re quick to play the victim too and attempt to relate.

Because a lot of us are still happy to be servants and lapdogs.

It’s true.

It’s the way ten Black people will squeeze on a bench to give the White foreign exchange student space for 3 people to sit comfortably.  How we can pronounce their names but they can’t pronounce ours because they’re “too hard” and we giggle it along with them and allow it. How we laugh at the “deep” ones of our race and our men are trying so damn hard to be “real niggas” and abandon as many kids as they can while drinking themselves into a stupor. How we as women try to hard to be Ass Out, Airhead Bad Bitches and we still think we’ve somehow earned Respect from the world at large? Do we respect ourselves?

Listen.

You can be a Real Nigga if you understand that the only reason that they came to get us, truly, was because we could do what they couldn’t. Niggers were strong, intelligent. That’s why even in the modern day they try to pin Aliens on the pyramids because they can’t wrap their heads around how years ago Coloured people were able to do what they did. Niggers were strong, intelligent and hardworking. If you could be that, then by all means, be a Real Nigga.

If by being a Bad Bitch you meant you focused on yourself, worked hard to better yourself by any means necessary and were strong, intelligent and assertive, I’d respect that.

But do you?

We fight so hard internally it seems for freedom and what have we done with the little we have?

A lot of us don’t even know how far we have to go, what we need, who we are.

A lot of us are earning the title of Modern Day Coons.

What are we doing?

Evidently we aren’t surviving anymore, it seems to me we’re rushing towards destruction willingly and trying to pretend to enjoy it.

You, as a person of Colour, whether male or female, what are you doing for your Life?

What do you know?

The meek will not inherit the Earth, they will die. They told your ancestors that because it’s one thing to enslave the body, and another to enslave the mind.

And so I ask you again, what are you doing and what do you know?

“‘Bend over. Touch your toes. Lift her titties. Examine his balls.’ It damn near sounds like a hip-hop song, but it’s slavery at its peak.. A circus for all the freaks,they’ll warn you “Caution when you speak, can’t afford the truth to leak”..”

Sunni Patterson, We Made It
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“What,a man?”

“..So I figured out the key to success for a woman. I mean, do you know how hard it is to try and maintain a relationship while getting ahead in Life? One has to suffer man, I don’t know why. Shit’s stress man. Especially if you’re with someone who doesn’t care. You spend your time trying to work on things and slack on You. It doesn’t work, You slack on You still..”

“Yeah..and so..?”

“And so..to make it as a successful female in Life. You need a vibrator. It’s the only way..”

He laughed then. Like what I was telling him was a joke.

See, this is what’s been happening. I’ve been worrying about what I’ve decided, is nonsense. Why am I single? Is it me? Do I even want to be with someone though? Or am I just tired of fucking around? Could So and So be the one?For now anyway?

These questions are time consuming and tedious.

I’ve been single for 7 months now. This is the longest I’ve been alone since I started dating at 12. If anything I’d end a relationship and be in one a week later, at one point my best friend asked me why I seem to be afraid of being alone so when the time rolled around, when I lacked the energy to deal with anyone else, I took his advice and did Me.

However with the looming threat of a potential Love interest I realized, I cannot function this way. If my relationship isn’t going well, my productivity plummets. I worry, I put my whole life on hold til that one aspect of it is fine. And I know many women who’re that way.

I appreciate that in Life we would like to have a companion, some kind of support system that doesn’t need to be there but chooses to. It’s only normal to desire intimacy. It is also only normal to want to succeed in whatever your heart drives you to seek out. But let’s admit it Ladies, it’s hard.

We expect ourselves to be Superwoman, even if we know we don’t need to be that for anyone but ourselves. You want to be able to put out your best in every aspect of your life but sometimes you aren’t getting any help from the person that’s supposed to be your partner and you seem to have the world’s burdens on your shoulders.

When you succeed in the office and seem to “slack” at home you know you get the snide remarks. Nobody really takes a woman’s success seriously unless she’s linked to a man do they? Beyonce’s an amazing artist but when you ask most people why they think so it’s “Because  she does it all. She gets her own and takes care of her man.” If she didn’t have Sean would her success be such an extraordinary thing to them?

I wonder about these things man.

And I know when I mentioned the vibrator thing it may seem like I meant to objectify men,not at all. I’m saying maybe it’s best to be intimate with your own damn self and take care of yourself. If the people we’re letting in to try and build with only demolish, why keep them around? For company?

The women I know who’ve stayed with men who only let them go so far, or convinced them they only desire to go so far, are sad. Because you’re giving up who you could be for somebody else who isn’t even happy with who you are.

Is it sad that it’s looking like you actually can’t have your cake and eat it too? Quite so. But maybe that’s just how it is, or it isn’t the right time. Either way, that’s how it is. And I’m saying, sometimes you have to sacrifice. The question remains, “Would you give your all for you?” I’m trying.

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“She’s an ugly bitch anyway..”

I do not associate with vain females. I’m unable to. All my female friends are attractive as well as intelligent. These are confident women who are secure in their sense of Self, yet flexible enough to learn about the World. They are wholesome individuals who you can still have wet dreams about.

Now,we all know society doesn’t really like women who “speak out of turn”. Patriarchy has conditioned people to believe women belong cloaked in insecurity, waiting on others, with no original thoughts, no voice and basically, no existence worth remembering. It’s like, if you aren’t somebody’s daughter, partner  or mother, you don’t really matter. You aren’t really seen.

But as the saying goes “Well behaved women seldom make history”, and really, none of us are trying to end up as Somebody’s Something.

As a Woman, when you start speaking, thinking, doing as you please, there will be issues.  You will scare and bother people. How dare you have an opinion?

A woman’s place is In the kitchen, didn’t you know? Spend your time on your back pleasing a man and only get up if what you’re gonna do is gonna make him even happier. If you insist on being a rebel and reading books and shit, keep it to yourself, you don’t NEED to think. You don’t NEED to have rights. You don’t need to have feelings about anything that happens that affects you. You are a mere woman. You came from a man’s rib,didn’t you know? You will eternally be Less Than.

That’s that shit though. Vocal females come under fire all the time over the tiniest of things. Society’s double standards are always ready to remind you that you are Female. Mention Feminism, you’re a Man Hater. Talk about Racism, You’re a Mad Black Woman.  Sex, you’re obviously a Slut. Hopes and dreams that don’t involve a family and servitude, you’re deranged, probably a lesbian.

In the event that you can take having this ignorance thrown your way and actually continue to explore all you are as a Woman, be ready for the personal attacks you’ll get.

I find it somewhat amusing that some men think intelligent women give a fuck about being called Ugly. Do you not understand that I know that I’m much more than my appearance? And also, in the event that I offended you,why do you find it easier to attempt to hurt me instead of simple stating that you are hurt? It’s cos you’re silly,that’s why.

I’ve seen countless situations where a male and female are having an intellectual debate,or simple disagree on something and the guy gets mad and starts hurling insults at her. “You’re an ugly bitch anyway..That’s why you’re mad. Who’ll marry you? You talk too much. Sies. Nowadays you bitches say you want equality and shit and now you wanna come up and disrespect us..”. Honey, who disrespected you and how? How is it her fault you couldn’t hold your own? Am I suddenly ugly because I disagree with you? So I would be more appealing if I was submissive and compliant..Got it.

You can tell a lot about a man and how he feels about women from the way he deals with women who think. In a “forward thinking/progressive/civilized” world, everyone is expected to move on and BE better except for women?

We say: Fuck that.

We say: Your opinion of us doesn’t matter because it’s one you’ve inherited anyway, not what you really Know and Feel.

We ask: Is it that you know our potential that lately you try so hard to break us?

We ask: What are you gonna do now that we KNOW our potential?

[And is that why rape cases are increasing lately and becoming more and more gruesome? We all know rape is about Power. Is it because they feel insecure in a world where more and more women are turning away from the Bitch role and actually Being? Are they trying to scare us into submission? Is this their panicked effort to restore their version of order? On that I will say this. Things between Men and Women are bout to get bad. Really bad.  A woman who feels threatened and KNOWS she has the potential to fight back,will.  And women already carry enough pain,anger and sometimes,hatred within. Remember that.This is the world we live in hey.]

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