sex shaming

Nymphomaniac I: Part 1, The Lessons and Formative Years

Nympho

“As a young nymph, it was imperative for me to get rid of my virginity,”  These are the words of Joe, the protagonist in Lars Von Trier’s oddly controversial Nymphomaniac.   

Nymphomaniac: Vol I and II tell the story of Joe, a self proclaimed nympho/sex addict.  Far from being the seedy low budget smut, one would expect it to be based on the title, it is in fact a rather honest, eye opening depiction of Life through the eyes of an insatiable woman, and the experiences one goes through.

Nymphomaniac I:Joe’s story begins.

She’s found beaten half to death close  to an alley by an elderly man, Seligman.

Already?” I think. “Shit’s gone bad for her already? Jesus, is this one of those movies that depict the downfall of promiscuous women? Cos I’m not here for that.”

She refuses medical attention and instead  goes to his apartment to lay down and have a cup of tea with milk. [No, really.]

Here, her story unfolds.

 

She is not “just another girl with daddy issues”.  On the contrary, Joe has a rather close and warm relationship with her father, they bond as he tells her stories about trees. Her mother, however, is described as “cold” and often, a “cunt” [You’ll come to find, it’s not a dirty word in the movie] .   She “discovers” her vagina when she’s 2, and as she grows with a female companion known only as B, they discover the different ways in which the female genitalia can provide and feel pleasure.

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“Perhaps the only difference between me and other people is that I’ve always wanted more from the sunset. More spectacular colors when the sun hits the horizon. That’s perhaps my only sin,” she muses.  Giving the impression that there is no real shame to the life that she has lived.  She is not burdened by society and religion’s  view of the “Unholy” woman.

“Are you insisting that children are sinful?” asks Seligman.  To which she responds in a childlike voice “Not children, me.” So maybe things aren’t exactly what they seem, for her.  It is not shame that cripples her internally, not at all, but she is fully aware of her own misgivings.

She grows and is drawn to her vagina.

Curious.

Understand that  when you really start taking note of your vagina and it’s workings, appearance, feelings, it’s amazing.  As a child I personally was intrigued by it.  How simply complex it was.  Why it was a secret.  So Joe’s desire to know more, and experience more regarding it resonated with me.

She loses her virginity in a rather inelegant manner, as  most of us have, methinks, but will never admit.  A young Joe considers her target sophisticated because he as a Moped and quite bluntly asks him “If I asked you to take my virginity would that be a problem?”

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He doesn’t turn her down, and proceeds to penetrate both her vagina and anus [NO LUBE! Christ, the savagery].  Now, I wouldn’t go so far as agreeing with Asa Akira’s sentiments that it’s really practical to just lose them both at the same time since the first time for both is always rather uncomfortable. But It would make sense to lose them.. close together.  Not on the same day though, unless if you can take both your holes being sore.

He’s clumsy, swift and really, a terrible lover.

He is Shia LaBeouf, playing Jerome.

“It hurt like hell. I swore I’d never sleep with anyone again. But of course that only lasted a short while.” Oh honey, don’t we know it?

Years later, with her friend B, again, she really cums into her own regarding her sexuality, so to speak.  Young, dizzy and eager, they go out dressed provocatively on a quest.  To fuck as many men on a train as possible, winner gets a packet of sweets. No, really.

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It’s not shocking, really. Not in the least. When you’re young and sexually active, stuck in that weird place where you think you’re an adult yet still have the urge to act young and stupid, things happen.

Everything up to this point had passed without so much as an eyebrow raise from me.  But when you watch the movie, you note that Joe looks rather young.  Skinny, lanky, simply childlike.  She could be a model if she were taller.  But it’s still evident that she’s a girl. This however, doesn’t hinder the men she manages to “seduce”.  Men twice her age still  fuck her, and this is not an issue for them, in the least.

The fact is a girl who thinks she can act like a woman will be treated as such by those who know better.

“I discovered my power as a woman and used it  to my advantage without any concern for anyone else.”  It’s funny that she would have guilt over this, yet understandable.  Society doesn’t condition us to do so and therefore doesn’t condone it. With that in mind, whether we know it or not, many of us internalize society’s perceptions and opinions and use them to gauge whether or not we are “good” people.

This is a recurring theme  throughout her telling of her story and the subsequent conversations with Seligman.

Joe

Is she a good person? 

What IS a good person? 

She’s adamant that she’s a horrible being, but he constantly has a counter argument that suggests that possibly, she is too harsh on herself.  They represent both sides of the conversation when it usually comes to issues dealing with promiscuity, and life really.

Are you bad? Or simply a person who’s reacted to circumstances as your Spirit saw fit?

B and Joe start a club: “The Little Flock”.   A group of sexually emancipated/promiscuous girls who’re seemingly, anti love.

The Little Flock

“It was rebellious,” she says. “We were committed to combating the love fixated society”.

But B lets the girls down when she falls in love. It’s a betrayal to the Flock. A betrayal to the inner vixen who vows never to experience true intimacy.

This is the first time that affection, love, attachment taints sex for her.

“You think you know everything about sex.

The secret ingredient to sex, is love.” says B.

“For me love was just lust, with jealousy added,” muses an older Joe.

And this is all before Varsity.

It’s amazing the lessons one learns when they jump headfirst into “maturity” and “adulthood”, blindly.  Having personally lost my virginity at 12, I completely related to Joe’s experiences.  By the time you get to Varsity, you’re weirdly both naive and relatively mature.  I loved how the story was told in a purely matter of fact manner.

She was not a “victim”.

She had no “daddy issues”.

She chose to do as she pleased with her body and faced the consequences and lessons as they played out.

There was no shame to being promiscuous, she simply was.

 

*This is the first in a series of posts to follow.

**Also, something I noted. B and Joe’s initials together is : BJ. Ha.

 

 

Oh so Slutty

Somewhere along the line we decided only women who had experienced some sort of trauma or difficulty in Life could enjoy sex.  Daddy issues, molestation, underlying hatred for their mothers and a need for attention were all reasons why a woman may choose to “act out” sexually [and by “act out” I mean own her sexuality].  The idea was sold and bought by many. 

I used to run to “Daddy issues” when asked about my rather colourful sexual history. It wasn’t enough to say “I have sex with people because I want to”, it didn’t sit well with me either, at a time when I was afraid to be shamed and was only accepting of myself when alone. I had the confidence to have sex but not enough to wear my sexual freedom proudly. At the end of the day, when questioned about it, it always seemed easier and less shameful to play the victim. To seem helpless instead of admitting that I had simply done what I wanted to do.

As I’ve grown I’ve met a lot of women just like me. 

Women I’d share glasses of wine and sob stories with.

“My father was never home so that’s why I have sex with a lot of men. I need acceptance from a male figure. Any male figure.”

“My father cheated on my mother so I could never be faithful.  I’m doing to men what he did to her.”

“I don’t have a father so fuck men.. I’ll treat them how I want.”

And it all makes sense on some level, but for how long?

 

Eventually I had to realize that I couldn’t continue to blame my father for my actions/desires. I was too old and too intelligent for that. After a while playing the victim became redundant and I could not claim to be strong, responsible and in control if I couldn’t even own and admit to the things I did/wanted to do. 

The process of truly owning your sexuality isn’t a flawless one. It isn’t swift either. It involves dispelling myths and unlearning a lot of shame that has been instilled in us as we grow and that is hardly ever easy.  You have to know WHY you think as you do, what it means for your actions and behaviour and how to proceed from there. 

We can’t all be Samantha Jones, and I doubt even she was Samantha Jones from the very moment she became sexually active. It takes a lot for the average woman to say “I fuck because I want to and fuck you if you have an issue.” The society we find ourselves in isn’t often accepting of that. You’ll be called all sorts of names, often. You’ll be disrespected often. You’ll get “Who touched you?” more than you’d like to and a lot of people will look at you as an anomaly. 

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To be a proud, sexually emancipated woman often leaves one lonely.

Other women may not want to interact with you because they, in their repressed state, believe you’re a Sex Demon from Hell sent forth to test their relationships. 

Men will treat you like an accessible porn star.

And both groups will, to a certain degree, shun you.

Because in this society, a woman who enjoys her sexuality is defined by it. She becomes it in people’s eyes. 

She is a walking, talking vagina.

A creature that does more fucking than living.

Jezebel.

A nymph. 

And knowing this, I understand why many choose to be seen as weak individuals who’re ran by their insecurities and fears instead of simply a woman who likes to have sex.

When they think you can’t help it, society is a tad bit more forgiving. The insults less creative. They’ll call you a silly slut but maybe, in your mind, the “silly” before the “slut” shows some kind of compassion. 

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Understand that the same people making you feel ashamed of your desires really add nothing to your Life, so why let them take?

I can tell you this, I’ve never been broken or truly hurt in any way by the name calling.  

They are words.

Words spoken by people who lack the emotional maturity and intelligence to understand “choice” and “desire”.

Words by people who don’t respect you.

So why is their opinion relevant?

Why  are you letting their tiny brains dictate and keep you from your joy?

Fuck them. 

Fuck them all, honey. 

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Love For Sale

“You overlooking every nigga that ain’t quite ready,
To make it rain on you like about to break a levee,
Hold up, that pussy petty.
Yeah, your nails did, your hair did,
Your cell phone is selfish,It only got numbers that come with a Hummer..” – Kendrick Lamar, Memories Back Then

 

Is it really though?  And if so, what’s wrong with that?

See, you can use your mind to get ahead in Life, that’s expected.  You can use your name, it’s sometimes frowned upon but really, go ahead.  You can use who you know, what you’ve seen or what you can do. But using your body, that’s downright sleazy.  

A woman who only associates with wealthy men is considered a gold digger. Called a Ho, shallow, considered unintelligent, she disgusts many, is looked down upon and might as well be a prostitute according to them, she IS in their eyes, save for the street walking. 

And I think that has got to be the silliest way of looking at it. The worst. 

 

Why do people think these women are unintelligent/uneducated?

Possibly because back in the days when women were thought to not need an education,  she “needed” a wealthy man  for support.  Maybe, to shame them for their choice, to make them appear as nothing but bodies, mindless, starving vixens. Obviously to make them appear as ones not deserving of respect because people would think they have nothing to offer.  

 

These women are some of the strongest, smartest women in our society today.  Who else can realize that they can use what they have to get what they want and actually follow through to live as they want despite the judgement and backlash? 

 

Why should I be ashamed to use my body but proud to use my mind?  I mean, other people can know what I know, but if I have the kind of body that draws attention and admirers, are you telling me that I should ignore that, and not couple it with my intellect, because you’ll judge me? It’s not happening. 

 

“Say No to Struggle” A friend reminds me every time we’re together.  Honey, does it make sense to capitalize on everything that you have except the one thing you always possess, that comes naturally?

No,  this is not me telling women to actively seek out wealthy men, or to be escorts or sex workers, this is me telling them they have the right to, if they want to. 

Asa Akira’s a porn star who absolutely adores her job.  She gets paid to fuck and can take on as many men as she wants.  You can tell she happily comes to work. Pun intended. I’ve never seen her even the least bit uncomfortable in her scenes.

“For as long as I can remember, I’ve been called a slut, a whore..All I know is, I’m insatiable.” -Asa

Skin Diamond too. Everyone she works with from actors and actresses to photographers say she’s a breeze to work with because she’s passionate about it. Isn’t that lovely?

Would you do it? I mean, we all love sex. Okay, most of us do. But if you have a passion for it, as a woman, would you? Other than the obvious, explaining to parents…blah blah blah..what else would hold you back? I know “What would people think?” is on that mental list. How does that make you feel? That you’d let something as trivial as opinions that would have nothing to do with your actual job keep you from pursuing it? Logic says that fear makes sense. What does Love say?

It’s your body.

Your image.

Your Life.

Your conscience.

You are your responsibility.

I tend to tell people that Shame is an inherited emotion. We feel ashamed because people tell us we should be and that’s not fair.  If you insist, you have the right to tell me what’s appropriate in society, but you can’t tell me what’s appropriate for Me. 

People still do though. Often. Passionately. I’ve found their voices aren’t as loud as my feelings and my conscience. I wish it was the same for others.  

There’s no shame in doing what you want with what’s yours. It’s yours. Other people’s opinions are theirs. Don’t let them dictate what you do, they don’t know what you want nor need. 

Live. 

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White women do it better..

Sucking dick that is, from what I heard.

See according to many a Black man and woman, Black women just don’t like giving head. It’s labeled dirty, unnecessary and downright nasty, and most women would rather receive than give. Now I’m not sure how true this is but I’d like to quietly call Bullshit here.

I know a lot of Black women who appreciate and enjoy oral sex, both giving and receiving. No, we don’t all think it’s dirty, or nasty, and even if we do, who said nasty is a bad thing?

Now I’ve heard girls say “I won’t suck dick cos he urinates from there and I don’t know where he’s been” but why are you sleeping with someone you don’t trust to be hygienic in the first place?  And usually the same women who’re anti blowjobs will sing the praises of cunnilingus, which I find rather senseless. It’s like if your man said “I don’t want your vagina cos you bleed from there once a month so I’ll have your ass instead for the duration of this relationship.”

Now I’m not saying all women should suck dick. My issue is with those who knock it before they try it and those who look down upon those who do. [No pun intended.]

I find oral sex to be a beautiful thing. Should I decide you deserve it, I promise you you won’t forget it. Because oral sex is really still sex. Why would you ride him with a passion, and expect him to do the same, then lick his penis like it’s a chore?

I don’t believe that there are any tips to give someone on how to have amazing sex.  As I said at some point yesterday, from those tips, one can be decent, but never mind-blowing. How, when half the time you’re trying to remember what you read off Cosmo?

Sex tips have never been relevant to my Life. To be honest it’s been more about the appreciation of sex and sensuality more than anything else. I’ve found, among my female friends, the ones who are the best in bed are those who genuinely enjoy it. The women who understand that getting naked with a partner is about pleasure and not something you need to do because you’ve clocked 6 weeks and you don’t want him to leave.  They love the act of making love and all that comes with it. And maybe that’s it. 

I’ve always said, when it comes to porn, the White women seem to enjoy their job way more than the WOC [Women of Colour]. Maybe it is just acting, but the whole point of it IS to sell us dreams and no matter how uncomfortable something might look on screen, the White woman will probably hop on all those 6 dicks while smiling and hardly ever flinching, the WOC usually somehow betrays her true feelings facially, flinching, a look in her eye, something. 

To be frank, a lot of us [WOC]  find sex to still be shameful.  Which is why words such as “dirty” and “nasty” are associated with certain acts instead of simply saying you don’t prefer it.  Anal is still taboo to many, as is menstrual sex, even with people who’ve been together for years. I wouldn’t say we’re still as backward as to assume that sex is still mainly for procreation but there is still a long way to go when it comes to accepting preferences and exploring the act.

There is also the fear of being labelled. It’s bad enough to risk being called a Ho, but a Dick Sucking Ho, well, that’s even worse. Honestly we know that as much as men want a sexually emancipated woman, the moment that she doesn’t fit their mold, she’ll be judged and not many women can deal with that.

Maybe that’s why many choose to play it safe and lay there. Maybe that’s why the most daring thing most women can think of doing is reverse cowgirl. I don’t know because I can’t relate.

What I’m saying dear Ladies is do yourself a favour and forget all that shit.  Society isn’t in the room when you’re seeking pleasure and if there’s any chance that the man might sex shame you afterwards: don’t fuck him. Other people should not be allowed to dictate how you cum. They have no right to. 

And sucking dick is a beautiful thing. I know many agree, granted there are those who don’t get/feel the hype but this is my point of view. It’s like..making love with your mouth. In that moment it’s not really as much about you and him as it is about you and his member..and that is how you communicate with it. By kissing it, stroking it, licking it. But you know..that’s just how I feel. So..

In conclusion, women who try, and love it, do it better. It’s that simple. A bit of effort has always made a difference. There. Open your mouth up..I mean.. Your mind up..to new things.

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You wanna Minaj?

I have rather different role models from the average female, or similar ones with some, depending on where you’re looking.

Amber Rose, I love her. Nicki Minaj, I feel her. Kim Kardashian, I’m on that.  Beyonce’s nice. Condoleza Rice too. Corrine Bailey Rae, a wonderful female..but I cannot relate.

Now a lot of people would look at these women and think Whore,Sell Out, Slut in that order. Understandable considering the way they’re portrayed/the way they’ve lived.  Amber was a stripper at 15, later labelled a gold-digger and really under normal circumstances wouldn’t be the girl you introduce to your mother. Nicki Minaj is raunchy as hell. She burst on the scene with lyrical content shouting out her sex game and was a mere sex object for many. Still is. Despite the fact that she said she fought for women and little girls to have a voice and such, it was hard to believe when all she did was prance around in lingerie and dropped lyrics such as “..and when he spank this, I make my pussy fart..” and “pussy open, it’s nothing..”. Kardashian became a household name when her sex tape with former relevant musician Ray J leaked. For the fact that you can type in her name into a search engine and see her doing the deed, she’s been labelled a skank for life. Her 72 day marriage didn’t do much to help her image either.

All in all given what we know about these women, the last thing you’d want would be for anyone with some sense to look up to them. A whore, a Sellout and a slut? God no. But here’s why I feel as I do. 

Amber went from a basic stripper to Kanye West’s boo. Now I don’t know whether it was her body or her mind that attracted the man, nor whether she actively pursued him or Lady Luck just happened to smile her way but she made it out of her circumstances. I doubt the girl was trying to strip forever, whether she enjoyed it or not.  She happened to get a man who wanted to take care of her. I’m not saying you should go and look for a man to “save” you, if you want to, sure, but that’s what happened here and it was not a bad thing.  Being in her circumstances, as a woman, would you have let the millionaire walk by?

But fast forward to when they were secure in their relationship, Amber didn’t lay around and bask in Ye’s glory. She posed for Louis Vuitton, she walked the runway at New York Fashion Week, appeared in reality shows and went on to work on her own eye wear line.  She was smart. She didn’t sit and watch shit happen.  Life happened and she got smart and rolled with the punches while making moves. How can you not respect that?

Now? She’s happily engaged to a millionaire with a baby on the way and a comfortable life. What is there to be mad at?

 

Nicki was born in Trinidad and Tobago to an accounting clerk and an airline employee.  Her father was a drug addict and apparently tried to kill their mother once.  She came to America, later went to LaGuardia, the same institution Lady Gaga went to, and struggled to be an artist. Eventually she was discovered by Wayne and signed to Young Money. Here she is today, wealthy beyond even her wildest dreams and successful. She made it. Now as I said, a lot of people could view her as a Sellout but I must ask, does the truth make you rich/successful lately?Is anyone being honest? No. People don’t accept that. That’s why songs about ass and guns are making people millionaires. We are the generation that seeks to numb everything and forget. How are we gonna get mad at a woman for fitting into the mold society has for her in order to live comfortably?

Is it a shame that she has to be portrayed as a toy in order to get some attention,yes definitely.  But it is what it is and the woman got smart about it. Honey, we’re out here trying to survive. If that means being a puppet sometimes, go ‘head. 

 In an interview with Vibe magzine she discussed her sexed up image and said “When I grew up I saw females doing certain things, and I thought I had to do that exactly. The female rappers of my day spoke about sex a lot… and I thought that to have the success they got, I would have to represent the same thing. When in fact I didn’t have to represent the same thing,” later adding, “I made a conscious decision to try to tone down the sexiness, I want people—especially young girls—to know that in life, nothing is going to be based on sex appeal. You got to have something else to go with that.”  As I said, it’s a sad reality that things are like that sometimes, but look at the fact that she got her foot in the door and got to work. Now, she’s an American Idol judge, has her own fragrance, Awards, endorsement deals..I mean, you notice her body but you acknowledge and appreciate Her and her work. What is there to not respect there?

 

Kim was just a random Armenian girl, Robert Kardashian‘s daughter, who became Ray J’s  girlfriend who’s now a millionaire, a brand, and all this from a sex tape. How many of us would have been able to drag ourselves out of the shame that comes with millions of strangers seeing you as “that girl who fucked Ray J” to having a dollar for every stranger who saw you naked? With the help of her mother, Kris, who’s also her manager, Kim worked her ass off and made all the right moves and now here she is with a reality show, dozens of magazine covers and a life many of us would kill for. The “slut” was smart enough to turn that all around.  Isn’t that lovely?

Looking at their respective lives/struggles, I personally find theirs more inspiring because they’re way more realistic. They are things I could relate to, situations I may end up in.  And the bottom line being: Shit happens. What are you gonna do about it?

As the saying goes “It’s not what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”  Are you still being exactly what people say you are?

AMBER THEN:

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AMBER NOW:

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NICKI:

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KIM:

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I understand why you’re a slut, boo..

I wonder when the average woman realizes that she owns her vagina.

That her virginity isn’t something for her parents to brag about.

Nor her pussy grip something for her lover to tell his friends about.

That her body count, whether it be 4 or 90, won’t really change the World.

And her “purity” is not determined by her genitalia nor can it be measured by a priest and guarantee passage into Heaven.

There was a point in time [I’m lying, it’s still ongoing] when I was constantly referred to as a whore. See I didn’t  understand why though. I knew all the people I slept with, and I knew why I had, so I didn’t understand how an outside party could brand me such without sufficient information on why, how and when it happened.

While discussing this with a male friend, he asked me “Do you sleep with all the people you want to though?”, I responded in the affirmative, to which he said “Well then you’re good. Fuck ’em. You need to understand, most people are too afraid to do that cos they either think they’ll be rejected or they’re afraid of being judged. As long as you’re getting yours, they’ll stay mad. Accept it.”

It was food for thought. Are we considered whores for the sole reason that we feel free to do what we please with our vagina?

Are you a slut because you fucked the whole clique and actually enjoyed it?

Are you a skank because you cum, boo?

Now, men tend to put it this way “I can’t fuck with her cos everyone’s had a turn and I’m not about that.” But, why is it that even if a female is notorious for her sexual acts, she STILL continues to fuck whomever she wants? Including the self righteous men who want “Pure” women. Men naturally always wanna be conquerors and pioneers and shit..Is that why they want virgins? To be able to say “I broke her”? Then feel Big cos you think she’ll remember you forever and you would’ve changed her Life?

If no one had led you to believe an autonomous woman is undesirable, would you still deny yourself pleasure?

The arguments made are ridiculous really.

“Her pussy is probably loose..Besides what will my hommies say? Nah..What if that bitch has like..a disease or some shit? I ain’t bout it.”

Now..loose pussy. I personally don’t understand how this is still a thing since kegels exist. But if it still is..Well. *shrugs* But honey, have you yourself considered the fact that maybe you aren’t well endowed? I don’t know. Just maybe.

If one is still worried about what their friends will say when it comes to those they choose to lay with, maybe they shouldn’t be laying with anyone at all. Evidently mental maturity is lacking and you are unable to make decisions so, don’t. As for diseases. Why assume that she is reckless? Because in YOUR mind she ain’t shit, you believe SHE thinks she ain’t shit?Honey,no.

Women need to understand that a man who is ashamed of you doing as you please doesn’t really respect nor trust your ability to make your own decisions and trust yourself.

So why fuck [with] them though?

Your clitoris should be your best friend.

Sex shaming is unfortunately rife and people have no issue being closed minded, self righteous ad sometimes, just downright dumb.

To Quote Kid Cudi “In the end they’ll judge me anyway, so, whatever..”, So, to quote The Weeknd “Girl take pride in what you wanna do, even if that means a new man every night inside of you..”

Would you rather be sexually frustrated and sad because idiots judge you cos of what you do with YOUR body, or enjoying orgasms and comfortable with, proud of, the decisions you make regarding your Self?

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