soulmates

Marriage: I do, sometimes.

Everyone thinks they have shit figured out.  We all have opinions on situations we’ve never been in and a mental rule book on how to live that we never consult when issues involve us.

The one thing it seems all human beings are good at, is critiquing someone else’s decisions.

“So and so fell pregnant, she’s silly, why would she? She’s so young.”

“He’s engaged. But he’s only 22. Why? There’s so much to still experience.”

Basically: “So and so’s not doing what I’d do so their decisions are sketchy.”

Our generation has a jaded view on love and relationships.  Many are extremists on the matter. They either believe relationships are for the needy or single people are ill. We all question each other’s decisions with no knowledge on the intricate details of matters.

marriage

Somewhere on this journey of Life I decided I’m dying alone.

Well, not so much decided as accepted, maybe.

And this is the part where I roll my eyes as someone chimes in “Well, we all die alone.”  Yes, thank you for your input Sherlock Hipster.

Raised with the idea that everyone has a soulmate who’ll put up with their shit I went into dating with a certain certainty.  It was kind of like taking shots until you find the one that tastes good and gets you drunk the fastest.  You just knew you’d find it, you had to.

As time’s passed I’ve met my soulmates. [Yes, some people have more than one. I’ve met four so far.] None of which I’ve dated.

I’d gladly marry tomorrow provided the person knows when to leave me alone.  For me, that is the key to a peaceful union: individuality and acceptance.

I’ve dated people who are exactly like me and I’ve dated people who are nothing like me. I’ve been in love and I’ve been infatuated. I’ve discussed baby names and considered how long I’d wait after marrying someone before I’d divorce them.

See I don’t believe marriage is the inconvenience many believe it is, I believe it can be.

I go into relationships knowing things will change. My partner will, so will I, and for me, the main question is: Am I willing and able to grow with this person?

Many people don’t think about that. They don’t wonder if the person they’ll be in the future will be compatible with the person their partner will be.

For me, long term relationships mean committing to the person your partner will be in the future. If you can both agree on doing this, I don’t see why people can’t marry young.

Marriage for me doesn’t equate to “settling down”.

It is not putting your dreams on the back burner.

It is not leaving your dreams to focus on someone else’s.

It’s about finding someone to love you and encourage you as you grow.

My best friend taught me more about romance than any romantic relationship ever has.

In our 8 years together we’ve been many things and all kinds of people. We’ve shared experiences we’ll never disclose. We’ve fought, we’ve laughed and we’ve cried.

I realized a few years ago, the main thing that’s kept us together is respect, love and acceptance.

And here Sherlock Hipster chimes in again “Well relationships aren’t like friendships. There’s sacrifice and responsibility and..”

Yes, yes.

There’s all that, sure.

But the basis of every good relationship I believe, should be those three.

Decide if you’re going to give conditional or unconditional love.

Will you still be there if your partner decides to be a drag queen? Or quit school and move to another country to be a bar tender?

What is it you see in that person and is it enough for you in the long run?

american wedding

[An]other Woman: The Sidechick’s POV

“I don’t know why you do that, you deserve so much better.”

And I wonder what “better” is.

 

It occurred to me a while ago that some women aren’t meant to be The Wife. 

It’s not simply that we don’t WANT to be. Nor that we’re unable to be, it’s just..If we won’t do it? Who will?

Live as we please, that is. 

I’ve been a girlfriend. I’ve been committed, I’ve loved and I’ve cheated, and for a while now, I’ve known my place as the Sidechick.  I am not ashamed nor do I feel robbed, and this is something many around me don’t understand. 

“No one believes that a woman can be truly happy in something that is not a roses-delivered-to-your-office kind of relationship.” – Jessica Tholmer

I’ve been wondering whether it’s better to be the Sidechick or the happily naive girlfriend/wife. I haven’t come up with a conclusion yet but I can give my point of view and this is it.

I am content with the situation. 

I personally would rather know where everything stands rather than be happy in oblivion, and for a lot of people, that’s selling myself short. To a lot of people, I could easily be labelled a ho or a home wrecker or be dismissed as someone seeking attention in unsavory ways, but I assure you, I’m not.

I feel like his relationship has nothing to do with me. It’s that simple. She has nothing to do with me and I with her, we simply share a man, who in turn honestly only belongs to himself. His deceit is his own and the lies he tells her come from his mouth. What they share is theirs and the same applies for us.

 

If you met someone who understands you, and who you understood could not be tied down, could not be made into what YOU want them to be for you, what would you do? Actually, if you met someone who was just right, why would you want to make them into something they’re not? See, I wrote about this before, and nothing’s changed. 

You cannot own a human being. Nor can you really be angry when they deceive you because you wanted so desperately for them to be something for you that you dragged them into your own world and forced them to stay there. 

It sounds odd even as I type it. For a man should be free, and strong enough to express his desires and not walk into situations he doesn’t want, but maybe some people are pleasers, or appeasers, I don’t know his point of view.

 

“When did you know you were meant to be the Sidechick?” I asked myself a week ago.  The answer has only just come. When the lovers who understood me best always belonged to their own bland lovers.  Why? Because they were people who are scared of being lonely, and finding someone to attach to yourself, even if they bore you, was good enough for them in a way.

 

“Aren’t you ashamed?”

What is there to be ashamed of? Adults making selfish decisions happens all the time. We are all self centered. 

While discussing a married close relative’s lover with a friend he said “You should go sort her out..Or ask her not to go out with him. Ask her to go.” And I didn’t understand why. She is living her life and basking in the adoration of a married man. That doesn’t bother me. What bothers me is how said married man seems to have lost his mind and is so infatuated with her that he no longer looks after his own family. And that too, is not her fault.

“Better”

Is “better” a monogamous relationship because from what I’ve heard it seems to be. It seems to be being with someone who’s “your own” and I don’t know why it has to be that someone being “your own” means putting it out there for the world to see with labels and Facebook relationship statuses.

I think a lot of people miss out on affection becomes they assume they only have one soulmate.  That love only has to come from one place all the time and that’s the only Truth.

Me? I just have an issue with not giving affection how and when I want. I have an issue with being stifled.  I have an issue with being Someone’s Something and that meaning Nothing.  I have an issue with what’s simple to me and said lover being an issue to everyone else.

“He treats you like he just picked you cos you happened to be there.” 

Someone said that to me and I laughed and simply responded with a “Naaaah.” Because I’m learning that certain levels of intimacy don’t need to be explained, rather felt. 

I feel like who or what he does has nothing to do with me as long as he is happy. Because what’s the point in allowing someone their freedom and claiming to love them, if you won’t let them Be?

 

“I dunno..I just love people, who cares?” – SW