Who’s your Daddy?

What’s in a good Dom?

I’ve been asking myself lately and it seems I just got the bare essentials down.

  • Respectful
  • Assertive
  • Understanding
  • Open minded
  • Trustworthy

Everything for me really comes after or under these. 

Now I’ll admit I’m fairly new to D/s relationships.  Had we discussed this months ago the answer to “What makes a good Dom?” probably would have been “The ability to use your body to his satisfaction and push your sexual limits without ever being inconsiderate/disrespectful in the process” and as much as that may be true for the sexual aspect of things, I’ve learned it isn’t limited to that, as is a common misconception.

When one mentions that they’re submissive, people usually assume that it means s/he is into relationships where they can be used and abused.  That they enjoy being degraded and made to feel “less than”. As much as this is true for people unfamiliar with the lifestyle, I’ve discovered many potential Doms think this way too lately.  They don’t care to learn about You, your preferences, your limits, your character, to a lot of them, you’re merely someone to sexually dominate, a nymphomaniac acquiescent to his whims. 


And this is okay if one so wishes for it to be so, but really, not every man who can tell you what to do and express himself is Dominant.  Some only receive the title because we make the mistake of allowing ourselves to be deceived by the illusion and give them the title.

The best thing you can do as a sub is find an intelligent Dom.  Really, after a while, the “I want you”s and “You’re such a dirty sluts” become boring.  A man who’s able to express himself well and understands the importance and power of words will always keep you interested.  Plus a well read man can teach you plenty. 

As a sub you give yourself to someone and trust them to better you and help you better yourself.  This is something worth remembering.

Dominating is not about [just] using force.  If the only way he can get you to do things is by being in your presence and intimidating you with his, I don’t think he’s doing it right.  I’ve found it’s a combination of genuinely wanting to please your Sir and his ability to influence you verbally, especially in the case of long distance relationships.  You can always tell when a man is naturally dominant because of his ability to easily lead you to submit, it’s in his nature.  A command from him sounds different, his body language too, it’s the look in eye of certainty. Unmistakable.

Doms who make you dread  being intimate with them may possibly be abusive.  If you can’t open up to him because he makes you feel like a sissy or you dread lovemaking because he seems to completely disregard your comfort levels and safety, it would be best to leave. As I said, some men just want a sex slave and will take advantage of a sub simply for their own pleasure.

If your partner at any point makes you feel inadequate for having limits, he probably doesn’t respect you and as you know, respect is integral in such a set-up.  One who doesn’t appreciate you will never be good for you, this is key to remember as a new sub.  A lot of people might want to use your inexperience to their advantage and cheat, abuse and put you in dangerous situations and state that you just don’t understand how it all works.

 Your Dom should be the one person you feel safest with.  The intimacy shared, I’ve found, transcends that of an average boyfriend/girlfriend relationship because you bare yourself to them. You trust them to have your best interests at heart, more so than in an average relationship and if at any point you find your safety/peace may be compromised, it’s probably time to go.

Many men  prey on emotionally vulnerable women, convince them they’re submissive and use them.  I think a sub is much more vulnerable to meeting douchebags than the average woman.  Many assume we’re weak, so they patronize. Others, assuming the same thing, think they can easily walk into your life and immediately start bossing you around.  You meet those who will try their first attempt at choking on you and not realize that he needs to be attentive to your body too. Those quick to tie you up but with no patience to learn how. Those who don’t understand that you are not weak, but nor will you be strong all the time. 

Submissives are not unable to take care of themselves. No, we aren’t all messes who need a partner to tell us how to live. The fact that we’re perceived to be and portrayed as helpless is not only offensive, it probably keeps many from admitting that they are because of the shame associated with being considered one.  

We choose to give ourselves in such a way because it’s what feels right to us. I personally desire a level of intimacy that transcends what my peers are accustomed to. I want to know that my partner knows me, cares for and understands me and can stand on the days when I’m crawling.  

My Sir taught me the importance of friendship and understanding, and as his sub I was grateful for every single lesson. He set a very high standard  for the next one and I only wish that everyone could at least have had one such partner, it would save a lot of people from heartache and help others understand that no, it’s not just about spending time on your knees and being dragged around. 

Calling someone Daddy/Sir/Master is not to be taken lightly. You are giving parts of yourself, the most important bits, to someone and as romantic as it may sound, we live in a world where most people destroy rather than create. 

The kind of appreciation partners in a D/s relationship show for one another may be  foreign in this day and age.  It’s easier to assume that a sub is simply weak and worshiping the first Alpha that comes along, but I assure you there’s a certain strength that’s required to open up to someone as we do. A very real and beautiful strength coupled with honest vulnerability. 


How Hard 2: The Seduction Of Submission

Some women feel the need to provide for the men in their lives.
To cater to his every need and ensure his content, joy.. To please.
I have always been this kind of woman.

If you are the man I consider special,the one I value and hold  in high esteem, I will always see to it that you’re satisfied in every way and I will seek to fulfill all your desires. I do whatever is in my realm of capabilities to make sure you are happy.
It’s how I’ve always been in relationships and it is how I think I will always be.

When it comes to my interactions with the men I’m with, I am rather traditional. I believe the man I’m with should be a pillar of strength. A provider. My safe place, my stability, my joy and my comfort. If he is all of this to me,  I’ll be all I am for him. I’ll be his.

Submission was a foreign concept to me, as BDSM was at some point. Honestly, a part of me felt I was a tad bit backward for feeling the need to provide for and belong to a man as I did.

While doing research for an article I was working on about the BDSM world and the  misconceptions people have of it, I stumbled upon accounts and diary entries of submissives. While reading them I realized, this was the kind of Woman I was drawn to being.

Submission had been a threatening idea because I felt I’d be relinquishing my rights to myself. Was I selling out? Would I be his slave? Why did I feel the need to be in such a set up? There were more questions than answers and the only answer that kept coming up was “It just IS what I want. It’s what feels right.”

I thought about it, kept on reading and came to the conclusion that in actual fact, this was another step to discovering who I am as a lover, partner and a woman.

There was no shame in the fact that I wanted to be owned by my partner. Therein lay my comfort. Knowing that there was someone who could be strong for you, who knew you in ways none other did and who you trusted enough to give all of yourself to.

I understand why some people think submissive women are weak. I used to. But,this is the life we feel comfortable living.

The relationship between a Dom [Dominant] and his sub [submissive] is not one that could be easily explained to an outsider. The level of intimacy shared is one I honestly think most relationships lack. You trust someone with all of you and trust them to have your best interests at hearts, without fail.

Thankfully while I was learning and accepting this side of myself I had a partner who was understanding and accepting. He was open to this and had his fair share of kinks and pleasures he liked to indulge [in].

He became my Sir. It wasn’t awkward. It wasnt forced.  We already had such a relationship to begin with but discussing it made it easier for both of us and our relationship [and sex life]  became better because of it.

When it comes to BDSM sex and being a sub, honey, the pleasures are both thrilling and occasionally terrifying. The right Dom will
push you out of your comfort zone and push into you in ways no other will be able to top. For me, its been one long enlightening and enriching experience.

Provided your Dom treats you as the Queen you are,[as some people will pretend to be such only to prey on and use females] as his sub, even if the relationship ends, there will always be a level of intimacy, a bond.

Your Dom/Sir/Master will know you in ways no other person will,and that’s one thing I appreciate and probably eternally will. The trust, the intimacy, knowing you have someone who really knows you.

Submission however, is kept for those who understand it, and who I can see a future with. So far, there’s only been one such man. And to this day those around me still don’t understand how we work.

Its been a rough,bumpy ride [the only kind I prefer really] but I can honestly say I know what kind of Lady/Freak I am. And you,love?


Why I’ll never tell my kids to Obey..

“The Bible says you must honour, respect and obey your parents..and also, all old people are your parents so just do as you’re told and God will bless you with many more years..”

Evidently this Lady had gone temporarily deaf when I told her that I am not Christian and did not choose the Bible as a manual on How To Live. No, she hadn’t heard that so I repeated it and she told me one day I’d find God. Like I needed him and my Life is a complete mess. 

But that’s not what got me in a frenzy..

It was the “…obey your parents..and also, all old people are your parents so just do as you’re told and God will bless you..”.

My immediate thought was “Do you know how much damage obeying has done to people? Kids? Society?” I understood why she said what she did. Obeying and following are all she herself knows..But how she could say that with a straight face knowing full and well that we live in the kind of society where people constantly take advantage of the malleable was beyond me.I thought she was ignorant for that. How can you still be telling kids to blindly follow knowing full and well there are more than enough people seeking to harm them?

I made a choice a while ago to never teach my kids that they have to obey anything that doesn’t resonate with their Spirit. To trust their gut instinct whether that means not getting in a car with an aunt or not writing that composition piece in the class with a bullshit title.

I decided I’d rather have a child that makes others uncomfortable because they aren’t easily influenced, and know themselves, are confident within themselves, than another one of the picture perfect kids. 

This was some time after I got tired of hearing the kids with the tragic stories and their reason for ending up in these situations being “He was older and I was scared” or “..Because I was told to.”

The servile walk into Misery and don’t even KNOW they’re there. Why bring my child into the world only to prepare them to be a victim?

I’m saying this with no child to hold..So maybe it’ll be different when I do..

But I doubt it.

Do you understand you’re teaching your child “You have no say in anything and don’t think you do because you are small..There will always be someone better than, bigger than, smarter than you..and you should remain beneath them because there is where your place lies?”

How is that even okay?

I can’t.

Anything that teaches you to NOT be proud of yourself, NOT take responsibility and NOT do as you feel, I’m against.