success

“What,a man?”

“..So I figured out the key to success for a woman. I mean, do you know how hard it is to try and maintain a relationship while getting ahead in Life? One has to suffer man, I don’t know why. Shit’s stress man. Especially if you’re with someone who doesn’t care. You spend your time trying to work on things and slack on You. It doesn’t work, You slack on You still..”

“Yeah..and so..?”

“And so..to make it as a successful female in Life. You need a vibrator. It’s the only way..”

He laughed then. Like what I was telling him was a joke.

See, this is what’s been happening. I’ve been worrying about what I’ve decided, is nonsense. Why am I single? Is it me? Do I even want to be with someone though? Or am I just tired of fucking around? Could So and So be the one?For now anyway?

These questions are time consuming and tedious.

I’ve been single for 7 months now. This is the longest I’ve been alone since I started dating at 12. If anything I’d end a relationship and be in one a week later, at one point my best friend asked me why I seem to be afraid of being alone so when the time rolled around, when I lacked the energy to deal with anyone else, I took his advice and did Me.

However with the looming threat of a potential Love interest I realized, I cannot function this way. If my relationship isn’t going well, my productivity plummets. I worry, I put my whole life on hold til that one aspect of it is fine. And I know many women who’re that way.

I appreciate that in Life we would like to have a companion, some kind of support system that doesn’t need to be there but chooses to. It’s only normal to desire intimacy. It is also only normal to want to succeed in whatever your heart drives you to seek out. But let’s admit it Ladies, it’s hard.

We expect ourselves to be Superwoman, even if we know we don’t need to be that for anyone but ourselves. You want to be able to put out your best in every aspect of your life but sometimes you aren’t getting any help from the person that’s supposed to be your partner and you seem to have the world’s burdens on your shoulders.

When you succeed in the office and seem to “slack” at home you know you get the snide remarks. Nobody really takes a woman’s success seriously unless she’s linked to a man do they? Beyonce’s an amazing artist but when you ask most people why they think so it’s “Because  she does it all. She gets her own and takes care of her man.” If she didn’t have Sean would her success be such an extraordinary thing to them?

I wonder about these things man.

And I know when I mentioned the vibrator thing it may seem like I meant to objectify men,not at all. I’m saying maybe it’s best to be intimate with your own damn self and take care of yourself. If the people we’re letting in to try and build with only demolish, why keep them around? For company?

The women I know who’ve stayed with men who only let them go so far, or convinced them they only desire to go so far, are sad. Because you’re giving up who you could be for somebody else who isn’t even happy with who you are.

Is it sad that it’s looking like you actually can’t have your cake and eat it too? Quite so. But maybe that’s just how it is, or it isn’t the right time. Either way, that’s how it is. And I’m saying, sometimes you have to sacrifice. The question remains, “Would you give your all for you?” I’m trying.

choose-to-follow-men

Keep your Enemies close, and your Friends in the same category.

Privilege and prosperity will always bring contempt.  It’s not always a matter of people not liking you, you’re fine, you’re just a person like them. It’s the fact that you have what they don’t, are able to do what they can’t and experience what they are unable to. It’s a matter of you having/being more than them and that being a constant reminder that maybe their insecurities aren’t so baseless. Your success/ comfort in life is something they cannot relate to and therefore they will dislike you for that. For the mere fact that you are different from them in that respect.

Now I understand envy, it’s normal. You desire to have what you lack. What I don’t understand is the hatred that comes with envy lately.

 It used to be someone could look and say ” I want that..I really do. Let me see how to go about getting it.” Now it’s more “I want that. They have it. I don’t want them to, so let me find a way to take it away from them.”

If you’ve read enough of these, you know I’m from Botswana. Born and bred.  I’ve lived in Gaborone all my life. One thing people who’ve been here for long enough agree on is that this place is depressing as shit. But apparently, any other place always seems better than where you are. 

Getting genuine support here is a hassle. Damn near impossible unless you’re getting it from those who are trying to do some other shit and are also facing resistance.  A lot of people here hate to see others do better, and I don’t use that word lightly. They will stare at you in disgust as you walk by, sabotage, start rumours and befriend you just to know your weaknesses, to make sure you do not get the opportunity to be what you would like.  The energy that goes into their bullshit is amazing.

Your own family may not have your back.  And to a certain degree that’s alright because people are people before they’re your relatives/friends.  They have their own issues, desires and secrets. That’s fine. I just have an issue with the lack of respect lately, lack of trust and the fact that so many people just can’t be happy for/proud of another.. Fuck, really though, where is the love?

I thought about it. Do Black people hate to see other Black people because we feel like they sold out from the struggle? Being identified as Black has for a long time been synonymous with Struggle, Being Less Than.. Being ‘The Nigga That Made It’ pisses people off. Why you? Who the fuck are you and what do you have that they don’t? Never mind that you worked hard, we’re supposed to, it’s the Prospering bit that they don’t like.

I swear it’s the tiniest shit lately, a man smiles at you and your friend is checking for him. She will not tell you, but she will go the extra mile to be noticed by this man and in the event that they sleep together, she will feel THAT much better because she got what she thought you wanted, regardless of whether you even noticed the man or not.

When did friendly competition become an all out war? When did we stop respecting each other’s battles and hustles and decide it was easier to sabotage than work for our own? When did friendships become more like infiltrating enemy camps? Honey, when did we start being shitty? Was it around the time when ‘Fuck the world’ replaced ‘We are the world’? 

Things are all kinds of messy when you keep your truth to yourself and even those you consider close to you only get a fraction of You.

Right now, trust really is for the naive.

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