Women

It’s no secret that the world is a rather unsafe place for women.  We’re basically walking targets.  I’m reminded of this fact every time I log onto Twitter.  I swear that place is Rape Apologist Central.  Or Facebook, where people seem to find any and every reason to justify violence against women. These are the voices and opinions of members of society. People we walk past everyday.

Whether in our homes or on the street, in a bar or a mosque, in a bikini or a suit a woman needs to constantly be vigilant.

See somewhere along the way we were dehumanized to the point where our mistreatment became the norm. It’s unfortunate but while we work on making the majority of people realize that women are in fact an important part of society, to be respected and treated well, the fact remains, a lot of us find ourselves in uncomfortable and potentially dangerous situations.

Understand that we have the right to protect ourselves in a world that constantly makes us targets. 

Protect yourself, by any means necessary.

Below is a list of everyday objects you can use to defend yourself should you need to.

I hope it’s helpful.

1. Pepper spray.

But if you don’t have it, body spray/hair spray could be sprayed in the attacker’s eyes.

2. A Nail file

Could be used to stab said assailant.

3. Pens 

This everyday writing tool can become a deadly weapon for self-defense moves when thrust into the soft tissue of the throat, under the jaw line or the eyes.

4. Your bag

Could be used as a shield should the attacker try to stab you.  If you have enough heavy shit in there, swing it.

5. Stick like implements: umbrellas,brooms, golf clubs etc

Thrust these into sensitive areas or powerfully strike areas such as the knees,head and neck.

6. Objects with weight/mass

This includes bricks, heavy vases etc.  You can’t merely toss it and hope for the best though. Aim, target. The head is always a great place to strike.

7. If you have the time, for example in a home invasion/attack situation, stuff a pillowcase and use it. (And for you campers, a nice rock-in-a-sock is one of several self-defense weapons available in the woods.)

8. Nearby bottles/glasses/large cups.  

Again, go for the face/head.

9. In the kitchen

Pots and pans.

Plates can be smashed over the assailant’s head.  Knives, obviously. Hell, aim that hot sauce in the attacker’s eyes.

Use ANYTHING you can if you’re in danger.

Youtube has a lot of videos on Women’s Self Defense.  Watch them, they might come in handy some day, unfortunately.

 

It’s been written that usually, in the case of women, we find it hard to defend ourselves, even when we can because we never want to be the violent ones in situations. I say if this in fact the case, it needs to end.

It’s only right to protect yourself.

Do so.

Becoming your Mother

We think intelligence shields us from emotion. Then Life proves us wrong.  As one prone to depression and mood swings I can tell you that when your mind sets upon an idea, no matter how harmful it may be to you, your intellect tends to contribute to your [emotional/internal] downfall. All mantras and affirmations are thrown out the window as phrases like “You are beautiful and you should love yourself” lose precedence to the more cynical “They lied. You know better than to trust in the words of people.”

 

I’m no stranger to body image issues. We can all relate to feelings of inadequacy and most of us have had and continue to have the 2 AM “I will change my Life in the morning” moments when everything seems attainable with a little effort and possibilities seem to lie in wait, to grow under the guidance of the soon to be rising Sun.  I however, have not paid attention to these issues for years.  The logical part of me took over and I decided, if I can walk, run when I need to [my smoker’s lungs don’t allow for random running] and fit into my clothes, I’m fine. 

Until recently. 

 

During one of my not so appealing bouts of Fuck My Life  someone said to me, “Why do you look such a mess? I mean I’d still fuck but, I don’t know you to be this way.” And as much as I laughed it off, it’s been on mind for probably over a month now.

Why? Maybe because he said it at a time when my mind was ready and willing to accept every unflattering thing one could say in order to justify it’s already despondent thoughts at the time.  Maybe because, being an emotional masochist, a part of me enjoys having something to add to the file marked “Reasons Why You Sometimes Really Ain’t Shit” in my mind. 

 

It’s a funny thing when you think about it. Really, when one’s going through a time when all they’d really like to do is die, why would they even bother with looking pretty for the outside world? I’m not worried about being hit on by you, I’m worried about how I’m going to be able to leave the house tomorrow, assuming I make it through tonight.  A “You don’t understand, things are rough” didn’t seem to quite make him understand why I was as I was and so I left it.

 

While discussing it with a certain Sir he said to me “I don’t even know why you’d pay attention to that, you’re so smart. Have you..Do you even see yourself though? Goddamn.” And he looked at me in a way I haven’t seen in a while. In awe. 

 

The whole experience made me realize, what you know doesn’t save you from making silly decisions, accepting less than you deserve and words of affirmation could be nothing more than pretty lies if you tell yourself so.

 

I know a  Lady, she’s beautiful, young, ambitious and tied down to a man who treats her like surplus meat.  Does she know she can do better? Yes.  Is she lacking options? No. So why is she staying?

 

I said yesterday that I realize we’re becoming Women. We’re growing and even though our private school education, feminism and all round privilege made us think we’d be far from the women our mothers became, at the end of the day, somehow, we end up there. 

 

We’ve grown to undermine our mothers’ experiences and really it seems, only age and our own parallel experiences will humble us. And I’m taking them as they come.  We’re taking them as they come. 

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I understand why you’re a slut, boo..

I wonder when the average woman realizes that she owns her vagina.

That her virginity isn’t something for her parents to brag about.

Nor her pussy grip something for her lover to tell his friends about.

That her body count, whether it be 4 or 90, won’t really change the World.

And her “purity” is not determined by her genitalia nor can it be measured by a priest and guarantee passage into Heaven.

There was a point in time [I’m lying, it’s still ongoing] when I was constantly referred to as a whore. See I didn’t  understand why though. I knew all the people I slept with, and I knew why I had, so I didn’t understand how an outside party could brand me such without sufficient information on why, how and when it happened.

While discussing this with a male friend, he asked me “Do you sleep with all the people you want to though?”, I responded in the affirmative, to which he said “Well then you’re good. Fuck ’em. You need to understand, most people are too afraid to do that cos they either think they’ll be rejected or they’re afraid of being judged. As long as you’re getting yours, they’ll stay mad. Accept it.”

It was food for thought. Are we considered whores for the sole reason that we feel free to do what we please with our vagina?

Are you a slut because you fucked the whole clique and actually enjoyed it?

Are you a skank because you cum, boo?

Now, men tend to put it this way “I can’t fuck with her cos everyone’s had a turn and I’m not about that.” But, why is it that even if a female is notorious for her sexual acts, she STILL continues to fuck whomever she wants? Including the self righteous men who want “Pure” women. Men naturally always wanna be conquerors and pioneers and shit..Is that why they want virgins? To be able to say “I broke her”? Then feel Big cos you think she’ll remember you forever and you would’ve changed her Life?

If no one had led you to believe an autonomous woman is undesirable, would you still deny yourself pleasure?

The arguments made are ridiculous really.

“Her pussy is probably loose..Besides what will my hommies say? Nah..What if that bitch has like..a disease or some shit? I ain’t bout it.”

Now..loose pussy. I personally don’t understand how this is still a thing since kegels exist. But if it still is..Well. *shrugs* But honey, have you yourself considered the fact that maybe you aren’t well endowed? I don’t know. Just maybe.

If one is still worried about what their friends will say when it comes to those they choose to lay with, maybe they shouldn’t be laying with anyone at all. Evidently mental maturity is lacking and you are unable to make decisions so, don’t. As for diseases. Why assume that she is reckless? Because in YOUR mind she ain’t shit, you believe SHE thinks she ain’t shit?Honey,no.

Women need to understand that a man who is ashamed of you doing as you please doesn’t really respect nor trust your ability to make your own decisions and trust yourself.

So why fuck [with] them though?

Your clitoris should be your best friend.

Sex shaming is unfortunately rife and people have no issue being closed minded, self righteous ad sometimes, just downright dumb.

To Quote Kid Cudi “In the end they’ll judge me anyway, so, whatever..”, So, to quote The Weeknd “Girl take pride in what you wanna do, even if that means a new man every night inside of you..”

Would you rather be sexually frustrated and sad because idiots judge you cos of what you do with YOUR body, or enjoying orgasms and comfortable with, proud of, the decisions you make regarding your Self?

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We DO love them Ho’s

I love women.

I love strippers, housewives, prostitutes, nuns and ho’s.  I want the best for them all, whether that means going to med school or being a porn star til you make enough to retire. I respect them, I adore them, I admire them.

But this does not stop me from screaming out “Bitches ain’t shit but ho’s and tricks” when the track comes on..Yes, I do want a big booty ho for my birthday and Juicy J gets me hype as hell.

Now anyone who listens to Hip Hop would understand why it’s considered ideal for misogynists.  The lyrics are mostly derogatory towards women, or rather, “bitches”.

“I just fuck her, let you love her.” -King Louie

“I don’t respect no brain unless we talkin’ that saliva spit,
Ho I got a lot of bread, lot of whips, lot of chicks,
You can be demolished then be gone without acknowledgement..” -Wale

“I never met a bitch that didn’t need a little guidance..” – Pusha T

“You see, me and my homies like to play this game
We call it Amtrak but some call it the train
We all would line up in a single-file line
And take our turns at waxing girls’ behinds..” – 2 Live Crew

Bitches are, mainly, sex objects, This is made apparent not only by the lyrics, but by the music videos too. Attractive women are recruited to play out the fantasies the lyrics sold in the first place. Lesbian scenes to excite the masses, scantily clad females shaking ass and looking like they enjoy it. They feed into our fantasies while still making us uncomfortable, because we know..That’s someone’s sister. Someone’s mother maybe. Definitely someone’s daughter. And these men saying these things, are of our ethnicity. They are of our tribe and this is not some random man from afar calling you a Nappy Headed Ho, it’s someone with equally nappy hair.

As my politically correct side and my ratchet side collided, I began to make up excuses in my head of why I should in fact continue listening to these men who tell me to “bus’ this pussy open” and how, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t really matter. My PC side reminded me that I am a Black woman and by being a part of this, I’m allowing them to continue the breakdown of Black women and spread misogyny and patriarchy.

It was a tough call.

As I sat I thought..

Black men can’t REALLY hate us. I mean, on the surface it looks like it, but do they really?

They verbally abuse and degrade these women on a grand scale. Granted, the women place themselves in these situations but as they themselves often say. “A bitch gotta eat.”

Looking at these men, most are married to or in relationships with Black women. Snoop Dogg, Ice Cube, Dr Luke, Wiz Khalifa.. Despite their “Bitches ain’t shit” crap, they have stable homes with the very women we’d expect them to be shunning.

On that note, we get to the ‘Ho’s.  Strippers are big right now. No rap video worth it’s salt doesn’t have at least 5 of them twerking, gyrating and doing splits. You’d think after the video shoots these women would be discarded,no? These are the ones society would consider the true Ho’s,I mean, they take off their clothes for money. Nope. Wrong.

Wiz Khalifa is currently expecting a child with Amber Rose, a former stripper who was previously with Kanye West and has been linked to Fabolous and Chris Brown among others. Kanye West himself is now expecting a baby with self made Millionaire Kim Kardashian who shot to fame after her sex tape with Ray J leaked. Tyga has a child with Blac Chyna, a former stripper. Drake doesn’t hide his adoration for them, and has been linked to Maliah Michel, Kyra Chaos and Bria Myles, a video vixen. Lil Wayne has been quoted as saying Karrine Steffans AKA SupaHead is the love of his life and supposedly wrote his song Prostitute about her.

These are the bitches and ho’s they supposedly don’t care about.  They are the women they’re looking after and loving. Rappers go to strip clubs and spend thousands and we think they’re treating these women like objects, which may be true but in the grand scheme of things, these women take home this money to feed their kids. They pay their bills and build lives by what they get from these men who supposedly hate them.

These Black men who, granted, on a public forum don’t really do much praising, are, in action helping out, providing for and supporting these Black women. Wale went and placed one of the female characters in Ambitious Girl as a stripper.

I had to look beyond the blatant bullshit and wonder, are these men really just doing this to eat? I mean, we all know, it’s hard for the darker race over there. You have to be a puppet to survive..Is that what’s up? And if so, maybe, as Wayne said, I can “pop my pussy for a real nigga” and it won’t be that much of an issue. Because he doesn’t REALLY think I’m nothing but a “big booty ho”. When the song’s done,I’ll go back to being an attractive, intelligent female. It could be pipe dreams. But at the same time, there’s always more than meets the eye.

[On that note, I suggest you check out this 4 part documentary on Strippers [Power of Pussy] here. It looks at the challenges they face and the misconceptions they seek to clear up. There’s lots of ass and beautiful women in there too. Enjoy]

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Strength of a Woman

It hit me this morning how resilient Women are. I think I forgot. Things happen to us and we still move on and take everything in stride. Not to say they don’t affect us..But, looking at certain experiences, it’s amazing how one could make it out alive, and still [somewhat] sane.

Women keep shit. In a bid to always keep everything calm and peaceful, we know that sometimes, we have to be silent. Sometimes, we have to be strong, on our own.

It’s the miscarriage you hide from your mom.

The make up you buy to cover up your bruises.

The not so good school results you keep to yourself.

The things you never say because once you start speaking..it’s real, and you’ll have to deal with it and answer the hard questions.

We carry shit.

Maybe it’s because I write about things that I’ve made it through a lot of shit. My thoughts never get the opportunity to break me down and honestly, I step outside of situations and as far as I’m concerned, my life is nothing but one long [interesting] story. Nothing more, nothing less.

I find looking at yourself as a character rather than your actual Self could get you through a lot.  Observing and learning yourself rather than constantly being yourself.

Because Life gets heavy you know…You don’t need to be a part of the [Your] World all the time. 

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“I’m Every Woman..”

For some unknown reason, people expect others to carry their Race, Sex and Age group on their backs. As much as we spew out cliche crap like “Everyone is different” and “Be your own person”, we meet people and either expect them to conform to stereotypes and misconceptions we personally have, or not.

While hanging out with a friend, a man who’d been trying to court me for a while happened to pass by and decided to chill with us. It wasn’t awkward, conversation flowed, things were calm, going well.

Then someone brought up the issue of Ex’s. I joked that out of all of us, I probably always pick the worst ones. Lord, I wasn’t ready for what came next. This man got mad. I swear you would’ve thought the comment was somehow directed at him. 

“What is it with you bitches? [What?] I mean..no, not you..but..Women. Y’all..You don’t know what you want..You say you want a nice guy, then you get him, then YOU start changing and WE’RE the bad guys. Fuck that. No. Your ex’s can’t possibly be bad people,maybe you’re the one with the problem. Maybe YOU fuck them up. But you women think you’re perfect so nothing is ever your fault akere?”

Insert awkward silence as my friend and I stared at one another, confused and slightly amused. I had to wonder, is this what women sound like when we go on our “Men ain’t shit” rants? Cos it was pathetic as hell.

I asked “Who hurt you boo?” And he clammed up. “No one..I’m just saying.” Now, I don’t like people’s unnecessary feelings, I’m not gonna sit there and have you channel your feelings for your ex and spew your BS onto me, I don’t know her. I don’t know what’s up. So I explained.. “Look, evidently you have issues, and that’s cool, that’s your shit, so keep it as such. We don’t know who ever did whatever they did to you and it’s dumb for you to generalize, just as you wouldn’t have me saying “All men are shit. They lie and cheat and are all secretly psychotic.” It would be annoying as fuck and you wouldn’t be trying to hear that. So please, spare us your heartbreak.” He looked a tad bit embarrassed and then,relaxed..conversation continued and we steered clear of the Relationships topic. 

An hour or so later his friend rocks up. He also happens to be friends with one of my ex’s and evidently no one had told him things between his friend and I hadn’t ended well because he asks me how he is. I reply “Fuck that nigga hey” and laugh. Lord, again. “Why would you say that? He’s my boy. I thought you guys were happy together. What is it with you girls?One minute you love a guy, the next it’s fuck him…” and his rant continued, with the other guy throwing in his 2 cents about how females are two faced and…Zzzzzzz. I zoned out. After a few minutes of this I look at my friend and she’s obviously over the whole thing so we part ways with the guys, evidently they have heartbreak to discuss.

As we’re walking away I think..Generalizing about the opposite sex and trashing their behaviour when it came to relationship issues used to be considered a female trait. “Bitches are always bitching” as I overheard someone say once. How is it that we got to a point that WE are now the ones taking things in stride and men are coming apart at the seams?

This was a while ago. I’ve met more men since then who put this nonsense on me and to them I’ll say this : Listen, shut up. We don’t care. If you want sympathy, tell your story, fine. But you’ll get no love from any female if your approach is “Fuck y’all, you’re all the same.” We are not each other. Remember that and  go cry it out.

I personally believe one shouldn’t talk about their issues with others unless they’ve already dealt with them themselves. It leaves you vulnerable, exposed to opinions and suggestions that might do more harm than good and there’s a good chance you’ll become dependent on people to help fix everything. 

So if at all you have any issues with the opposite sex remember this [And this goes for both men and women] : People did that to you. Specific people. Not their whole gender/race/church group or whatever. Individuals. Nobody wants to hear that ‘You’re all the same” crap. It makes you sound immature, butthurt and pathetic. Do you want to be immature? Butthurt and pathetic? If so, go ‘head with yo bad self. But go do it far away from the rest of us. We can’t care.  Not like this. 

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That Pink Matter

Something’s been on my mind for a while now..The Vagina.  I’ve watched mine change since I started having sex and realized,nobody ever discusses the fact that as you grow,and begin to have sex,it changes.

One would be prepared for the internal changes, they are expected,but when your labia begins to elongate,or you watch porn and begin to wonder whether your clit is the right size,these are issues we simply don’t know how to deal with. Who do you discuss this with? It’s one thing to feel fat and talk weight gain with your girls, or breast size, stretch marks, but our vagina is always a taboo topic,and uncomfortable to bring up no  matter how close you are with someone.

For a while I had to wonder,what does the average vagina look like?Is the porn vag [small clit,hairless, nonexistent inner labia] a true depiction of what IS?Or what should be? Is mine normal and if not,what to do about it. I took some time and did some research on the idea of “The Perfect Vagina” and thankfully stumbled upon a documentary that hit the spot,so to speak.

Women across the board are getting surgery just to feel like they have a “normal” vagina. This includes labiaplasty, vaginal muscle tightening, having fat transferred to or from the labia and reducing the size of one’s clit. Now,as insecure as I might be at any point about my Lady,I doubt I  would. I understand though.

Your vagina is the one thing you want to own and adore. That is what defines your womanhood, for many. It is your pride and glory and once you think that that one part of your body,the one that is really YOURS and not on display,may be imperfect,it could crush you. Insecurity ruins one’s sex life. Many women I know have sex in the dark to hide their bodies and even with the lights off,can’t enjoy it because they KNOW why the lights are off. Now with Vaginal Insecurity, even the basics become a chore, if not a little slice of Hell. You think “What if he fingers me and he doesn’t like it?He can’t go down on me, I’m ugly down there..” and eventually,once you’ve crushed yourself enough,sex becomes a threat more than a promise. You begin to resent your vagina because it is not pretty. The same way you might dislike your hips because they’re too wide or your hair because it’s too curly and your vagina becomes another bodily burden. This is the pressure to be perfect and I’m afraid it’s seeped down to our Holy Ground.

I have to wonder,who are we trying to obtain the Perfect Vagina for? Us? If there was nothing to compare it to,would we be all that bothered? Is it for men,for them to find us attractive? To please them and become their perfect porn star?

I asked my male friends and only three of them stated they did NOT, in fact, believe the Perfect Vag existed. The rest? Their description was basically that of a virginal vagina. Understandable I guess because Virgins are thought to be ‘Pure’ and women are always expected to be. But I fear if we DON’T in actual fact discuss this,we will turn against the one thing that the media hasn’t had of ours to drag through the mud yet.

Dr Matlock,a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon who is the Go To Guy when it comes to vaginal rejuvenation surgery was quoted in a magazine article as saying women should all aspire to have the perfect [virginal] vagina. This is a man,with a penis,telling US what we should feel and do with ourselves. I was outraged. But then I had to stop and think,they’ve made us believe what our breasts and asses should look like,what made me think our pussies weren’t up next on the list?

Since then I’ve had quite a few sit downs with female friends and have discovered,these are thoughts many women have,we just never discuss it. “I think I have an ugly vagina” is not easy to spew out and so many of us suffer in silence.

It’s a damn shame and I hope once women actually wake up and begin to actually bother loving themselves fiercely through all this bullshit,we’ll be okay. We’ll be happy.

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